Beyonce, Baby Bumps, and Doing It the Right Way
Well, well, well. Looks like the most fabulous kid to ever strut down the birth canal is on its way after Queen B’s announcement amidst the glitz and glamour of the VMA’s red carpet: She and Jigga are expecting their first bundle of joy together. After years of questioning the power couple about their plans to birth a power tot, the paparazzi finally has their wish and will probably spend the next nine months or so inviting us into the every bubble and bounce of Beyonce’s womb. Hold on to your Twitter feed, folks. It’s about to be a gossip and teeny-tiny-minute-detail filled pregnancy.
Even as Bey stood there drenched in her typical brand of flawless gorgeousness, cupping her cute little baby bump beneath a flowy Lanvin gown, something bigger than her obvious joy was in the works. Another Black couple is making marriage stylish, cool, obviously happy, and now they’re having a baby. Even as the brouhaha from the Will and Jada divorce dust-up tentatively settles, Beyonce and Jay-Z and Lala and Carmelo are making jumping the broom and raising babies palatable to a generation that has grown up listening to their choice of baby mama anthems while using “baby daddy” as a term of endearment.
When Keyshia Cole married her man, NBA baller Daniel Gibson, back in the spring, my first thought was ‘go ‘head, y’all!’ Because even though I’m smack dab in what will apparently be eternal singledom, I’m genuinely happy for any couple who finds each other, from celebrity mash-ups to Pookie and Clandetta down the block. Even with all the bells and whistles of the new millennium, there’s nothing like a good ol’ fashioned love story.
My second reaction was a bit more reflective: I wonder if Keyshia and her bestie Monica, who got married herself back in the beginning of the year, will inspire their fans, maybe even their fellow single mothers, to believe in the institution of marriage? Even reach for it? It would’ve been nothing for either one of them to take the new-age route and shack up instead of making it official. Seems like everybody and their sister’s cousin is either living together or creeping up on common law these days. It’s the modern way of getting to happily ever after. Times have changed and getting hitched isn’t even necessary anymore in order for a man and woman to be content, functional and socially accepted.
And that may work for some folks. To them and others who just don’t think it’s that deep, first comes love, second comes marriage, then comes the lady with the baby carriage is a rhyme that didn’t mean much more beyond the playground in elementary school. But to me, it’s the natural order of things, the way the good Lord intended them to be, the modus operandi that makes the most logical sense. I had to find this out the hard way, though. I read all of the comments in the blog posts that I write and one poignant (albeit a bit ig’nant) observer pointed out that my desire to one day have more kids with a hubby must mean that I had a baby with a brother who chose not to marry me in the first place. Ouch. But it’s true: I consciously made the choice to lie down as a teenager with my good, common sense floating somewhere between good sex and first love.
So now, after besting 12 years of single motherhood and nine more months on top of that of being a baby mama, I see now that there is a reason why you should wait to be married before you have little ones. This ish ain’t easy solo. Not that having a husband makes life a cakewalk, but if you’ve picked the right dude, you’ve got a partner to help shoulder and share the responsibilities that come with being a parent, a homeowner—heck, an adult in general.
I don’t know what any of these relationships look like from the inside, whether they’re genuinely happy, whether they’re actually, factually in love or whether they keep their distance and come together only for photo ops and public appearances. What goes on in their homes is privy only to them and the close companions that may or may not someday write tell-all books. I’m talking about what these couples represent.
Despite the dismal statistics about Black love, all this recent vow exchanging is a good look for the little 12 and 14 and 16 year-old girls all wrapped up in their celebrity worship. Maybe they’ll wait until they’re married with a hot-to-death career before they have a baby, just like Beyonce. Hey, if that’s what inspires them to wait, then I’m all for it. I know I for one would be much more hype about going to a married woman’s baby shower than force a smile to sit through one for another single mother.
Celebrities wield such heavy influence over what so many folks do, say and believe—including adults, so let’s not front—that Mrs. Carter’s decision to do it the right way (yep, I intentionally left the quotation marks off) just might spark a positive trend. Now that’s a story I’d be ready and eager to read about.
I may be the only one but I think its a difference between being a baby mama and a single mother. Single mothers are divorced. Baby mamas were never married. Big difference imo.
Not a difference at all, single means you are not married period, widowed or divorced mom would be the categories for women that were married when they had kids if someone feels the need to get technical.
Nope I agree. There is a different between getting pregnant in marriage and then divorcing because you can’t work things out vs you getting knocked up outside of wedlock.
You see I even use different terminology. You are “pregnant” if you are married and you got “knocked up” if you aren’t. And I say this as someone who doesn’t want kids and does know if she wants to marry, but trust if I do change my mind about kids (which I doubt will ever happen) they would ONLY come once I was married and not before.
agree with Isis and Lemonnlime
Is it weird that I reacted to her announcement as if she were my own sister…? lol
I honestly can’t imagine why anyone is debating this issue. Anyone objectively speaking would agree that its wiser to have a baby once married first.
lol me too! I am so excited for her. My husband and I are go over the idea of having a baby and it is so exciting.
What, exactly, makes single-motherhood “dysfunction”? *Why* is being brought up by two married parents “better” for the child? Better according to whom, exactly? I, my mother, my aunt, my cousin, my college roommate, and my grandmother were all born to single mothers. None of us have ever been on welfare, all of the adult women in my family have good jobs, and my cousin, my roommate and I are all in good colleges. I never wanted for anything growing up, and I still don’t. I don’t *need* a father to make me “happy.” I have the love and support of the rest of my family. What difference does the presence of someone extra in my life make? None, whatsoever. If a man doesn’t want to be there, then a child doesn’t need him.
Yes, there is a difference between women like my mother and chickenheads who run around popping out babies b/c they know they can get money from welfare and child support and everywhere else they can, but don’t ever make the mistake of lumping all single mothers into that second group. Every woman should be able to CHOOSE whether or not she wants to have a baby, and who are we to tell her she needs a man in her life for that to happen?
Statistics say that single-motherhood is dysfunction. Statistics say it so much that crime dropped 25 years after Roe v. Wade. This is not an endorsement just a fact.
You asked what exactly makes single motherhood dysfunctional? You can look at your own statements to find the answers…
“What difference does the presence of someone extra in my life make?”
A father isn’t someone extra sweetie and chicks who have a good productive father know this! You see the man who contributed to your creation as insignificant–behold dysfunction.
“I, my mother, my aunt, my cousin, my college roommate, and my grandmother were all born to single mothers. None of us have ever been on welfare, all of the adult women in my family have good jobs, and my cousin, my roommate and I are all in good colleges.”
And notice you didn’t say a thing about the MALES in your matriarchal family. I highly doubt this is a family full of women. Where are the boys now? How did their lives turn out? The fact that you left them out of your comment is telling…again behold the dysfunction.
“Every woman should be able to CHOOSE whether or not she wants to have a baby, and who are we to tell her she needs a man in her life for that to happen?”
I think the taxpayers and general society would disagree. When you expect someone else to come in and pick up the tab–whether through money or simply mentoring your bastard children–you also invite criticism of your behavior. When these bastard children grow up to terrorize their surrounding environment you also invite criticism of your behavior. The reality is healthy functional productive children more often than not are NOT coming out of these homes and study after study has shown this.
@Kennedy Statistics have also shown time and time again that African-Americans and other people of African descent to be less intelligent than Caucasians. I bet you’re gung-ho about that too huh. Statistics can mean whatever someone wants them to mean.
@JustSayin Not everyone has a “good, productive father”, whether born in a marriage or not. Single-motherhood is not a dysfunction, irresponsible fathers are. People like you act like marriage has been around forever. It hasn’t. And in cultures past and present, there have been fathers whose responsibility was to provide for the family but were constantly outside of the home. In essence, children were raised by one parent or a group of maternal figures. Are those cultures or children dysfunctional too? Under your lens right?
I agree with WordUp to the extent that “better” differs person by person. I don’t have to tell my life story in order to support that. Marriage is not the epitomy of parenthood, and single mother families do not spell absolute doom. If everyone’s marriage worked out or every husband was a good father, then these silly arguments would have some substance (emphasis on the word every). Otherwise its all just opinions.
@Nic
Miss with this nonsense…
“Not everyone has a “good, productive father”, whether born in a marriage or not. Single-motherhood is not a dysfunction, irresponsible fathers are.”
We all know that MANY and probably most black single mothers aren’t having just ONE child out of wedlock by a deadbeat man. These women are repeating the SAME mistake with DIFFERENT men over and over again. So we know irresponsible fathers aren’t the ONLY problem.
Chances are those men were irresponsible when the women met them and laid down with them. So expecting an irresponsible man to suddenly wake up and smell the coffee because you find yourself knocked up is STUPID on the part of the women.
Everyone would have a “good productive father” if women would stop letting irresponsible men in between their legs. At the end of the day that is what it comes down to and what women need to recognize. It’s easy enough to tell if a man or woman is irresponsible. The way they manage their own lives is a good indication of how responsible they will be with their children. If a man tries to slide between your legs without a condom that dude is irresponsible. If a chick is having sex without protecting herself from pregnancy (i.e. birth control) that chick is irresponsible. These are the people who need to be avoided.
“I think the taxpayers and general society would disagree. When you expect someone else to come in and pick up the tab–whether through money or simply mentoring your bastard children–you also invite criticism of your behavior.”
Oh, really? So I guess there’s no such thing as a married couple on welfare then, right? That’s just stupid.
“And notice you didn’t say a thing about the MALES in your matriarchal family. I highly doubt this is a family full of women. Where are the boys now? How did their lives turn out?”
Hmm, maybe I didn’t mention them because they don’t exist. Everyone in my family has had girls, although I don’t see what that has to do with anything.
“Oh, really? So I guess there’s no such thing as a married couple on welfare then, right? That’s just stupid.”
I’m just going to shake my head at this ish. You clearly need to do your research on what welfare has historically meant for men in the home.
“Hmm, maybe I didn’t mention them because they don’t exist. Everyone in my family has had girls, although I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”
I highly doubt this is true. The odds are against every female in your family having girls…no boys.
Don’t even. There are plenty of married people out there getting food stamps and other things from TANF.
I think you just proved folks’ point when you detailed how single motherhood is a multi-generational pattern in your family. Everyone just keeps repeating the cycle…
You know what I’ve never heard though? A person who grew up with a functional, decent father in their lives saying he was just an “extra” person or that they didn’t need him.
The only people saying that are the ones who don’t know what it’s like to have a good one in their lives… or even a halfway acceptable one.
When I start hearing “daddy’s girls” talk about how they didn’t need their fathers and didn’t care if he was around, then I might buy into this single motherhood talk… but until then, I think I’ll go call my father now and thank him once again for reversing the cycle in our family and being there for his children.
@Lisa
Thank you! WordUp’s dysfunction is staring her dumb arse in the face and she can’t even see it. Sad. What well-adjusted person calls their father “extra?”
@Lisa
Thank you! WordUp’s dysfunction is staring her right in the face and she can’t even see it. Sad. What well-adjusted person refers to their father as “extra”????
@ Nic, yes statistics can say whatever you want to say when you skew them or they can just tell the truth. At the time those numbers came out cities across the country wanted to believe it was their good ole police work, crack usage going down, etc. Truth was the more readily available abortion was to single mothers not ready for children, the more crime went down in that area. You see you have to go beyond what the numbers initially say to get the real story.
But that just proves a point, in discussing this wedding before, womb thing delaying pregnancy is better for the child in every case. If you already have children or are a product of that, cool. That’s your life, you can’t change it now. The article is just a hope that young women will see this highly visible woman and take notes that following your dreams, then getting married, then having a child is the way to go. If you want to argue that it’s not fine. Too bad it’s true.
Also saying single motherhood should be anyone’s first option is silly. And shame on you for wanting single motherhood as an option for any woman, especially not the young girls the author was hoping to influence. Because remember that is what this article is about influencing young girls not harping on the damage already done.
I don’t know how I feel about this article.
How about we stop looking to celebrities to spark any kind of trend.
I applaud any one who does it “the right way”. However, I have no idea what goes on in any of these celebrities marriages, and thus won’t hold up as any example, or standard.
Janelle, I’m not disagreeing with you. The natural order of marriage first is wonderful, but not a fail safe. My parents were married for 4 years before I was conceived, and my father still walked out when my mom was 3 months. So, even marriage can lend itself to you being a single momma.