For the past couple of days I’ve had “Chante’s Got A Man” by Chante Moore on heavy rotation. No special reason behind it other than I was reintroduced to the song recently when news of her divorce from Kenny Lattimore became public. During the intro Chante’s pager goes off and she tells her girlfriend that she has to go because her man is calling and she’s not trying to lose her man simply because her girlfriend’s man isn’t acting right. I imagined what her friend’s face must of looked like when she heard that statement, how screwed up and angry looking it must have been and it got me to thinking, is it really wrong for women to focus their attention on their relationship and not their complaining girlfriends?

Now I’m not talking about those women who have all the time in the world for you when there’s no man in sight, but as soon as they get one they are incognegro until she walks in on him receiving medulla from her upstairs neighbor in her bedroom on top of her new sheets. I’m talking about those women who successfully juggle both relationships, but instead of sitting around participating in a “woe is me, I can’t find a good man” party with their friends, they choose to put in work towards maintaining their relationship. Yes, these same women at one time or another were probably the Grand Marshalls of the pity party parade, but once you find what you were sulking about, aren’t you entitled to the time and space to work on maintaining it….without your still single and pitiful girlfriends hating on you for it?

Nobody is saying that just because you’ve found a good man you shouldn’t still make time to lend an ear or shoulder to your friends while they vent about their man (or lack of man) problems, but it doesn’t mean that you have to devote all your time to it either and neither should they. Where do these pity parties get women any way? Sitting around drinking wine and eating Edy’s is not going to help you find a good man – it will help you find those missing thirty pounds though. And how many times can one sit around listening to stories of no good baby daddies and cheating boyfriends anyway, it’s depressing. At some point you have to stop complaining and make it happen. The thing is misery loves company and when one person out of the crew finds happiness and the rest are still single it becomes a problem. All of a sudden, in their minds, any time you choose to hang with your honey over the weekend or cut a girls night out short to get home and cater to your man, you’re acting like you’re “too good” to hang with your friends since getting booed up and jealousy rears its ugly head like the Hulk on steroids. Soon you’re being thrown more shade than a little bit and you start noticing little sarcastic remarks or that you’re being left out of get togethers more. They are in full on hate mode, smiling in your face, but secretly circling over your relationship like buzzards just waiting for its demise so they can prove their “ain’t no good men” theory right.

What they fail to realize as they hate and wallow is that finding a good man is kind of the easy part, it’s the maintaining that’s the hard part. The taking the time to get to know someone and opening up to them, figuring out what it is you both want and then figuring out how to get there together. Healthy relationships don’t just appear, they are nurtured and grown. Yes you may have found a good man, but he can’t be a good man to you if you aren’t a good woman to him. It’s not enough to work hard to find a good man, you have to also work hard to keep him. There is no way you can sustain a relationship if you spend the same amount of time listening to your girlfriends bitch and moan post man as you did pre man. Some of that time has to now be spent with him and you shouldn’t be made to feel bad or guilty about that. If it was them that found happiness they would expect you to understand and support them.

Personally I wouldn’t be one of the chicks hating on Chante, I’d be the one trying to find out her tips so I that I can try and keep that good man when I find him. It’s a shame that as women we sometimes can’t find positivity and joy in each other’s happiness. I mean if Chante found a good man, doesn’t that mean that there is hope for you too and every man isn’t a dog? Maybe the real question isn’t whether or not it’s wrong for women to focus their attention on their relationship and not their complaining girlfriends, but rather why we would want to be friends with anyone who can’t be happy for us in the first place?

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  • SAA

    “There is no way you can sustain a relationship if you spend the same amount of time listening to your girlfriends bitch and moan post man as you did pre man. Some of that time has to now be spent with him and you shouldn’t be made to feel bad or guilty about that. ”
    -currently dealing with this, it is tiring. I am only able to see my boyfriend on the weekends so if I choose to be with him and not go to the club with some women that aren’t close friends anyways I shouldn’t have to explain that or be made to feel guilty.

    “Maybe the real question isn’t whether or not it’s wrong for women to focus their attention on their relationship and not their complaining girlfriends, but rather why we would want to be friends with anyone who can’t be happy for us in the first place?”
    -agree 100%, it’s time for us to start cutting some negative, soul and energy sucking people out of our lives

  • wow…what kind of girlfriends do you keep? o_0

    I’ve been single plenty of times when some of my friends met guys who they eventually got hitched to and I never threw them any kind of shade. I’m actually guilty of stepping back and not hanging out as much with them as I did when they were single just so they don’t have to choose spending time with me over their men.

    • ruggie

      Yes, scary crowd the writer hangs with. I feel my friends and I are supportive of each other, whether single or with someone.

  • machgrenada

    “Maybe the real question isn’t whether or not it’s wrong for women to focus their attention on their relationship and not their complaining girlfriends, but rather why we would want to be friends with anyone who can’t be happy for us in the first place?”

    Hmm…sounds like your girlfriends are taking the negativity to the next level.

    I don’t see why you can’t lend a sympathetic ear to one of your closest friends, and maintain a healthy relationship with your significant other.

    I agree, some women can be negative Nellie’s , but at the same time you know how it is to be single and/or to have your heart broken. If we can’t vent to our lady friends, we exactly can we vent to? It’s normal and not in any way aimed at you, so take it with a grain of salt. Venting is not the same as wallowing in self-pity. That said, you have every right to spend as much time with your man without your friends getting upset with you. However, if you’re one of those ladies who’s falls off the face of the earth once they’re in a relationship then you can’t really blame them. You had a life before the man, you should be able to maintain that life with or without a man in the picture.

  • Miss Dee

    I love this song. Funny thing is Chante made this song back when she was with her 1st husband, Kadeem Hardison aka Dwayne Wayne.