I can handle it. I live in a city where people come to elbow their way to the top. I’m used to it. And for some reason lately I feel like it’s just been coming at me. From the coworkers who use every opportunity to sneak in a jab or the classmates who seem to think my progress is the baseline for their own.
There are knocks on what I do, who I speak to, what I’m working on and where I am. And as with most things, I squint first and think about it later. Because a part of me wants to think that it will pass and because an even larger part of me simply didn’t want to think too deeply about what “it” was.
I’ve never thought about what “it” was. Usually, I just dwelled on how “it” felt. While sisters are quick to use phrases like, “I don’t pay them no mind”, as brown as I am, I do. Because if you’re anything like me, you’re initial question is “Why?” And then you’re left with few options. Because the answers tend to range from “am I being too insecure?” to “are they not secure enough?”
As this week hit the midway point, I decided to lay my questions down and take a moment just to collect myself. Sitting down on the floor in the middle of my living room, I dialed my grandfather and just spoke to him about things have been. Sticking to his predictable routine, he listened, only murmuring a quiet “mm-hmm” when I paused. When I ended with an exasperated “I just don’t know why it feels like this,” he just said quietly, “Even hell knows.”
With that simple phrase, the man with salt and pepper hair and the jaw line passed on to my mother changed the way I thought about what “it” was. While my initial instinct was to ask “why,” the truth is that I didn’t need to ask that question at all. And odds are neither do you. You know what you’re worth, what you’ve accomplished and so do the folks who come at you like you did something wrong. The only thing you may feel unsure of is what you have yet to achieve and if “it” is any indication, even hell knows you’re one corner away from breaking loose.
Today, move into your next phase without questioning any further. Be sure in your purpose- even hell knows, you’re bound for something good.