Act Like You Don’t Give a Sh*t

by Felicia Pride

For the first time in my 30+ years, I asked my father for advice about relationships, and gasp, men. Call me desperate. I was. But I figured, after 64 years on the planet, he knew something about what makes his kind tick. And well, we’ve developed a relationship over the years where sugarcoating is unnecessary. I knew he was going to give it to me straight.

Why was I desperate? Oh where to begin. I had fallen for a guy who seemed to have fallen for me. We were hot, hot, hot. Then he turned lukewarm out of the blue. Then damn right cold.

I had seen this scenario before, so I was not opposed to wondering what role I played in this disturbing trend. I wanted my love life to be different and wanted to know what I should be doing differently—you know that whole if you keep doing the same thing you’re going to continue to get the same results school of thought.

Hence the Sunday call with Pops.

I ran down the details then asked him what I should do.

His advice?

Act like you don’t give a sh*t.

I know; it sounds like the title of a dating book for women written by a man.

But I’ve heard this sentiment before. Men like a chase, blah, blah, blah.

“That’s not how I am,” I pleaded with my father. “If I like someone, I like him. I don’t want to play games.”

“I know,” my father said. “I know that’s not you.”

And it’s not a lot of women.

Oh but how I sometimes secretly admire those women who can keep their emotions more in check and who don’t wear their heart on their sleeves. The Keisha Greene’s of the world (but you see how it ain’t all that different when they get caught up).

Originally, I dismissed my father’s advice.

Until, as part of an attempt to demystify my love life, I asked my ex-boyfriend why he broke up with me.

“You were too accessible,” he said.

I took in his words. Listened. No judgment. Just tried to learn.

Then I asked only one follow-up question: what does that mean?

“You made it too easy for me.” He responded.

That’s all I needed to hear.

It was time to try something different.

So I stopped giving a sh*t.

What does that mean? Who knows really.

Do I wait to call at least 48 hours after seeing someone? Do I not, under any circumstances tell a dude how I feel? Do I act nonchalantly towards any feelings he may display for me? Should I stop being so helpful?

For me, I translated it as not being too accessible, which really turned out to mean: not putting all my eggs in one basket. I was still easy as Sunday morning, but with more eggs to nurture, who had time to always be available and who had the capacity to care too deeply with everyone?

Talk about fun. I finally found out what people meant when they said they were dating.

Oh I called back when I called back. I responded to texts when I got around to it. I hung out with guys occasionally, when the mood hit.

As much as I hate to admit this, there was a power in it all. I was in control of my feelings instead of the other way around.

Was it all genuine? Nope. Was I playing games? Yep.

At the end of the day, was it me? Nope.

I do give a sh*t. I like one-on-one situations (I’ve been told my other male friends through my investigations to avoid the R word wherever possible) and not just for the mental simplicity, but also because that’s what I prefer. Period.

And you know what else? I’m a giver. I’m a lover. I care deeply. That’s me.

And call me silly, unrealistic, but I know there’s a dude out there who prefers that.

But I did learn something from my father’s advice. I’ve slowed down. And in doing so, interestingly enough, it has affected my accessibility, not in a character-changing way, but because I’m interested in really getting to know someone. That takes time; it’s a process.

And well, eventually good sh*t will happen.

  • African Mami

    Hold up,

    I act like I don’t give a shit, actually make that two shits, when in reality I’m slowly dying inside….Nah can’t!

    I’m not an actress! I will show my emotions: Check this out:

    He says:“You were too accessible,”

    My reaction: *Blankstare*, take one step back(literally). take a minute to breathe, then out of nowhere charge like a mad buffalo, seemingly about to slap him, I calm down and tell him: we were never meant to be (lying to myself, but the truth be told is I still have the hots for him) and walk away with my middle finger up in the air.

    Conclusion: I’m not an actress, my emotions are real not a script, our relationship was not a stage, so therefore mr.man I do give a shit, gimme time to not give two shits! Time heals all wounds, EVENTUALLY!

  • Kim

    I guess I’m lucky to have 4 brothers who’ve given me advice in this department throughout my life (both solicited and unsolicited…). and I agree with your dad.

    I really don’t think its about playing games…you need to show that you have something going on for yourself besides him and it shouldn’t really need to be an act. If you do have a life and you drop everything because of him what does that say about how valuable that life was to you..? A guy wants to know that you’re a whole person without him in the picture.. with a life , friends, hobbies, etc. And “showing too much interest” early on may raise a red flag that you can’t stand on your own 2 feet, that you need a man, or perhaps you’re desperate.

    Its not that you shouldn’t care deeply or be a giver and a lover but you’re probably doing too much way too soon. You’re too quick to give of yourself to someone, and just like sex, in the guys mind it must not have been that valuable to begin with if its so easy for you to give it away. I think women as a whole need to be a little more guarded with their feelings… not just to play games because you think guys prefer women that way (you’d be missing the point)… but because you want to protect YOURSELF and because know that you’re worth more than giving so much of yourself to any old underserving dude like the last guy. In my opinion, the only time you should ever be completely accessible (physically and emotionally) to a guy is when you’re sure you could see yourself marrying him and that takes time.

  • Dee

    meeeh… i actually just don’t care most of the times.. its not a game to me. I actually wish I could care more. I’ve been called unemotional and heartless more than once. I think its an amazing thing to care! The grass is always greener on the other side.

  • http://www.pinkpantiesandleopardlipstick.wordpress.com Pink Panties and Leopard Lipstick

    Ha! We’re one in the same! I’m not “her” either! Sheesh… there must be a middle between me and “don’t give a shit!”

  • Chrissy

    I feel this article.

    Im not an ‘in the middle’ type of woman. I’m either there or I’m not. Either I care about you or I don’t. Either we ‘here’ or you over ‘there.’ For me there is a very fine line of playing hard to get and not giving a f**k. That playing hard to get business has always been a lil bit harder to me. Cause when I play hard to get it usually means I don’t care. I get bored very easily with the ‘games.’ I like to be stimulated on an emotional and intellectual type of level. I need that to stay interested. When I’m not getting that and I’m just getting the ‘games’ I get very bored. I prefer people who operate like me. The connection I usually have with them is greater. People like us DO exist.

    Have you ever taken a personality type test? You might have one of those rare personality types. I found out that less than 10% of the population had my personality type.

    I rambled.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Florence-Burns/100002517936130 Florence Burns

    Too accessible?

    Any guy who says anything akin to that isn’t worth it. If he wants a game, he’s never going to be satisfied because he’ll always be hunting a new game.

  • K Mechel

    This fits me to a T. What is your sign I am an Aquarius.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Wendy-Whitehead/1842668362 Wendy Whitehead

    That hard to get stuff may have worked in your Dad’s time but I doubt it. It definately won’t work today because most men are hip to it. If they sense you’re acting, they’ll think you’re manipulative and that’s a major turn off. You’re ex is simply not ready to be in a long term relationship that’s all. If you had played his little game and then eventually got him to marry you, he would have been a crappy husband. My Dad says that when a man is really in love with you, he sticks to you like glue. Every guy I know that’s HAPPILY married or long term behaves that way toward their women. The rest have problems.

    Kim’s right though about women slowing down. Single people today will bed someone before they even trust them with their house keys! That’s nuts. Your body is the one house you own for life so you should protect it at least as well as your apartment.

  • whilome

    :-) I’m feeling you.

    Just one small quibble: “I calm down and tell him: we were never meant to be (lying to myself…” Girl, you weren’t lying to yourself. A man who would utter the “too accessible” line to a woman is NOT the man for that particular woman. No matter how fine he is.

  • http://@clnmike Clnmike

    Good advice from the father, is it out dated? Maybe, but if your asking men and there all telling you the same thing, well……….the choice to play along or not is up to you. If you don’t want to play than maybe you don’t really want it.

  • whilome

    The key is dating. Folks seemed to have forgotten that if nobody’s given them their letterman’s jacket, so to speak, they ain’t “going steady.”
    When I was single, I dated. I’d flat out tell a dude that I had a date on Friday and could fit him in on Saturday. I refused to treat “talkin’ to somebody” like we were already lovers and mutually exclusive.
    I couldn’t believe how a tradition that is so old-fashioned looked radical to my girlfriends.
    “Giiirl…you messin’ with all those men?”
    “Um, no, dearheart. I’m dating.”
    When things seemed to veer into the hot and heavy, he’s the one territory, I’d STOP dating other people and, get this, tell them why. “I’m interested in someone else.”

    Call me crazy, but I was never lonely, never looking shook, and never forced to do that Tuesday morning quarterbacking about why some man didn’t want me. NEXT. That’s how THAT works.

  • http://ophyliakilledhamlet.tumblr.com/ O’Phylia

    If a guy didn’t like that you were “too accessible,” he’s the problem.
    I hate games. Don’t get me started on that crap.
    But then, most guys think I don’t give a crap, and I think that’s because if I don’t like them, I honestly DON’T give a crap; but if I do love them, I tend to stay away because I automatically assume they don’t like me.
    [/howonearthdoIhaverelationships?]

  • Dwindyes

    You must be my clone because I feel this is my issue as well. For the life of me I can’t explain why I’m hesistant on a guy’s feelings towards me if I’m really in like.

  • Thereluctantsocialite

    this is soooooooo true.

    The game is no joke. I don’t wanna play.

  • Kaila

    I’ve heard this advice from SO many of my guy friends but like you that is not my character. I’m a caring person so for me to act like I dont give a **** is hard but it does work.
    I’m living the single life right now and its going pretty well. I’m a “serial monogomous” so this single life is taking getting used to. Many other “single monogomous” women dont take the time to learn about themselves outside of being in a relationship. We all need that time to learn about ourselves so when it comes to being with someone we dont seem as “needy and accessible”.
    I wish that we didnt have to “play games” in order to find our significant other but that seems to be the way society is steering towards.

  • justSayin..

    Acting like you don’t give a sh-it only works when you truly don’t give a sh-it (i.e., me).

    There is a simple way to develop this attitude: Learn your history as a black woman. I would suggest buying some books by Paula Giddings and Bell Hooks.

    Once you are done reading those authors I would suggest reading some books by EDUCATED black males and how they truly feel about black women. Black Rage by William Grier and Price M. Cobbs (two black men that gave the KKK a run for their money) and Sex and Racism in America by Calvin C. Hernton (a black man who felt emasculated at age SEVEN after his sole provider–his grandmother–beat the living daylights out of him for taking a liking to a white girl in rural 1930s deep south) will put the nail in the coffin for you.

  • Penny

    I think your dad was right. You don’t have to put all of your energy into projecting a “I don’t give a sh*t attitude.” You just need to make sure that when you are with someone, you set limits. That means that you need to make sure that you are also having a life outside of the guy…You should never be at his (or anyone’s) beck and call. He wants to be appreciated, but he wants to feel that he has earned your appreciation. Men are just not wired to appreciate things (or people) who are so easy and accessible. He feels lucky if he thinks your time is valuable.

  • sunshyne84

    ditto

  • SAA

    I’ve heard the “you made it to easy” line from guys and I do think its true. I don’t think its necessarily about playing games but like the author said, don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. I agree with Kim’s comment, you need to have your own life outside of your relationship and not drop all your plans on a dime for someone. I’ve been seeing a lot of the female commenters saying its “just not them” which is fine but I personally feel like the author’s dad is onto something.

  • SAA

    “You should never be at his (or anyone’s) beck and call. He wants to be appreciated, but he wants to feel that he has earned your appreciation. Men are just not wired to appreciate things (or people) who are so easy and accessible. He feels lucky if he thinks your time is valuable.”
    -you are 100% correct.

  • http://getme-lolly.blogspot.com getmelolly

    Your pops advice is real talk! It doesn’t mean you act like that for the entire relationship, just the beginning.

  • Transma

    exactly i hate women that play games…get the hell away from me with that ish..smh

  • Rastaman

    I have walked away from relationships with more than a few women in my life for a myriad of reasons sometimes because I was not as into it as they were or because I felt they were not as into it as I was or I was not ready for what they wanted or I was not happy and wanted more. Or simply because they just were not offering me enough to make me not want to be single. I have not always clearly communicated my reasons to these women in the best ways I could but I never thought so little of any of them as to insult their intelligence with some BS as you were too “accessible”. I have never uttered or heard one of my boys say that they left some woman they were into because she was too accessible. And all my boys are not the most upstanding of dudes, one or two have been known to be downright trifling when it comes to women but even they would not offer up some crappy reasoning like that. WTF!
    If my daughter came to me and told me some dude told her some crap like that I would be like Hallelujah!
    Grateful she no longer has in her life some dude who cannot be man enough to be honest to a woman he was supposedly digging. I am guessing old boy was probably feeling pressed and instead of stating that he came up with one of those non-reasons.
    Why do women so easily succumb to Jedi mind tricks?
    As to acting as if you don’t give 2 shts when dating, I don’t know how that works exactly because I have encountered that attitude and my response it to be gone. I cannot tell you if it works for the majority of men but I do know it would not work for me. Last woman tried that ish I just told her “Listen if you were interested you would make time so have a good life.”
    So I can’t say if dear old Dad did not give you the right advice but make sure it is advice that works for you after all one size does not fit all in shoes and I doubt it will in life.

  • D-Chubb

    Why do guys always bitch about women who play games, if that’s what you really want?

    This is all giving me a headache. I’m so glad I’m taking a break from the dating thing right now.

  • TR

    The fundamental problem here is the writer took her ex-boyfriends problem and made it hers. No mature man who is truly ready to settle down breaks up with a woman because she “made it too easy” for him. If what the writer says about them really being into one another is true, then I don’t buy that logic. He has issues. Maybe he is afraid to commit. Maybe he felt like he got what he wanted and was ready to move on. But that “too easy” ish is a joke. I doubt he ever intended to go past a certain point with her to begin with.

    This kind of advice leads to people trying to change who they are to get a desired outcome. Is the relationship really worth it if you have to be someone you are not? During my dating years I was told I did not run enough game. I was told that women liked that. I ignored those opinions. I figured I would just deal with the women who could appreciate my approach. A woman who wanted major game simply wasn’t a woman for me. It worked fine and I avoided a lot of BS in my relationships.

    To the writer: If you want to get back your ex, or keep guys like him then go ahead and act like you don’t care. However, if you want to find yourself with the right kind of man for you then just be yourself. Either they can get with it or they can’t.

  • grandgryph

    don’t get drawn in anymore than you already are. if you can be in a situation where you can’t just be yourself with making a bunch of calculations and counter-calculations, that’s not a healthy relationship, regardless of how good the `chemistry’ is or was.

  • Nasya

    I find for me personally having a don’t care attitude worked. I was not trying to play game or be manipulative but at the same time I am not going to hold onto my cell phone and wait for a guy to return my call especially if I called him etc…

    It also depends on what you are looking for. Like one of the poster mentioned there is a difference between dating and sleeping around with different people.

  • Nestafan2

    Kim, Penny and whilome all “get it.”

    The author’s dad may have appeared to offer a simplistic view of dating, but what he meant was that a woman should set herself apart from a man’s other conquests by showing she has something more to offer than just sex. Many women commented that they dont like “playing games,” but you are, in fact, playing games when you offer sex as soon as you meet a man. You are basically using you sexuality to reel him in, only you neglect to understand that what you are offering is nothing out of the ordinary for him. You are using your trump card (your body) early in the game thinking you’ll win the prize. And just like all the other times you’ve played this game, you lose.

    Getting to know a man is not “playing games.” You are using this so-called logic to justify you actions. You can’t possibly be that emotionally invested in someone you don’t even know. What the author’s father was saying in the most rudimentary, but honest way is: Stop being so desperate and allow a man to “court” you. In other words, if a man calls you at the last minute to do something with him, don’t pretend you can’t because you have previous plans; you should actually have previous plans–even if all you planned was a bubble bath and a movie. Men can smell desperation, and even though it stinks, they’ll stomach it just long enough to milk you dry. But if you’re the type of woman who just has to have it, do you. Maybe when you’re about 50 and the offers stop pouring in, it’ll all make sense. When did dating become antiquated and shameful anyway?

  • SmileyFaces

    I act like I don’t give a shit, and in most cases I really don’t. And I can’t say that it has worked out well for me. Having dating mostly Southern men, make that gentlemen, adjusting to dating in a Northern Metropolitan city has been interesting. Men don’t court women here as I have become accustomed to. And those that do are often the “predator” types that like a good challenge but lose interest shortly after they’ve won over your affection. I’m not quite sure where this leaves me, but despite being, to quote these young professional ‘feeling-themselves’ types that I socialize with, an ‘eligible’ woman I rarely make it to the second date and have no interest in doing so in most cases. My advice is be true to yourself, you’ll run into someone who takes you at face value and appreciates exactly who you are. The tone of this may sound biter, but it’s not at all, just my reality and I’m pretty optimistic.

  • Socially Maladjusted

    I’d say that the simple answer to too clingy “problems” is to find someone who is as clingy for YOU as you are for them.

    But if you want to FAKE IT then here’s a few pointers.
    Most women MOSTLY agree on which men got game. Well, it’s pretty much the same for us fellas.

    Women of all people should know how game works.

    in women -

    there’s an EFFORTLESS couldn’t give a phucknness to it, (lmao) bottled in a body and attitude that says ANY kinda freak is not only possible but mandatory.

    It’s an earthy, dirty femininity, a raw womanhood, that’s neither classy or trashy but fashionably undergroomed and tastefully provocative in it’s first impression blandness.

    Her bodily imperfections each tell their own tantalisingly erotic tale, that make fertile ground for a man’s imagination to wander and wonder.

    She meets man as equal, but you KNOW (instinctively) that she will give of itself most passionately and freely to male energy when the moment is right.

    It aint got any phoney stipulations, conditions and checklist tick boxes to it, ya just know that whichever man THIS _ itch loves, is loved for the love of lovin.

    mmm mmm mmm!

    You can’t tell a woman from a store mannikin nowadays coz they’re all over made -up over groomed and mostly overbearing.

    Tired o dis ish

    Easy nuh baby luv

    LMAO!

  • d_nicegirl

    Girl, that was game. He just didn’t feel like telling her the real reason he broke it off.

  • keke

    I totally agree with everything you have said. The truth about all of this is that it is not about playing games. It’s just about being a person independent of your boyfriend/girlfriend. You have to have a life outside of your relationship.

    I know for a fact that I cannot stand a man to be too clingy with me. That has a lot to do with me being a pretty guarded person and I tend to need and value my personal space. I am capable of giving myself to a man, but only a man that I feel deserves it and that is usually something that we have both worked on as a couple.

    And to the author: I do wonder what your boyfriend meant by you were “too accessible” though. I mean you two were in a relationship so did he mean that you were always there and had his back when he needed you? Did he mean you talked about emotions and feelings too much? Or did he mean that you were too clingy? To me there is a difference but his use of the word “accessible” throws me off.

    I would want to be in a relationship where my man was accessible to me and I can imagine that a man would want his girlfriend was accessible to him. But clingy is more like: attached at the hip, and you stop doing other activities because you gotta be up under your partner all the time, etc.

  • Jen

    I wish I could ‘like’ your comment. Its so not about playing games. Its about taking the time needed to get to know him and determine whether he is worth your time and energy. We must do a better job of protecting our hearts.

  • goldenfox

    i act like i dont give a sh*t but when at home alone i’m crying and groveling but i figure it doesn’t count if they dont see it.. 2 year later and some guys still try to contact me but they dont know i feel the same (usually they have screwed me over which is why i don’t answer their calls)

  • Penny

    I think it’s interesting how many of us will play whatever necessary role we need to play in order to get other things out of life, but when it comes to getting and keeping a relationship, we characterize playing a certain role as negative. If we want a certain job, we will put on the clothes, present ourselves in a certain way and hope for the best. To keep the job and rise within our career, we’ll tweak our wardrobes, skills, seek the advice of others who have been successful in the field, do as they did to to get certain results…And the job isn’t necessarily our whole lives; many of us have no problems with having a life outside of the job. And many of us manage to be fulfilled. But many of us refuse to want to tweak our personal lives in order to get better results. We’ll accept not being fulfilled in our personal lives and not hesitate to point the finger elsewhere.

  • Alexandra

    Yup. I’m the exact same way. I’ve never been the type to play around, nor have I begged for a definite answer.

  • Penny

    Kim, very well said.

  • African Mami

    @ Transma,

    Dude or dudette we are having a very serious conversation over hurr, and it’s great that Target enabled you to pay your school shit, but this ain’t the time!

    @Socially Maladjusted,
    Find one as CLINGY as you?! The fuck. Giving two shits does not equate to being emotionally dependent on someone, well at least to me! What it means is, I’m hurt motherfrigger and can’t hide/mask my emotions. I will live, eat and breathe without you in my life. C’mon let’s not get it twisted!!!!! It’s only a matter of time, and I’ll be over it!

  • oknow

    good read.. but sometimes it’s true.. available for every call, txt, and booty call.. so true.. notice how they are always busy, never available, and have other things to do..

    when i stopped calling, txting, and ignoring that’s when i started getting all this attn.. it’s like c’mon, why are u playing games..

  • sli

    Agreed. Acting like you don’t give a sh*t simply means having your own life and knowing your self-worth. It’s a “I’m good” attitude-with or without you. Don’t ever become a pawn in someone else’s game. Live by your own rules because the person with the least interest has the most power.

  • Paris

    Yes! Most people I meet just don’t understand this and I don’t get why. If I am dating a guy, I’m doing just that…dating him. We are going out on dates and getting to know one another. I am not his woman and he is not my man. We are free to see other people. Keeping your options open will allow you not to get so caught up on talking, texting and going out with one guy.

  • Socially Maladjusted

    Aw darn

    Well ok

    since we’ve gone all political, psycho analytical and you go gurrl Oprah on it

    I pick yours to respond to.

    I think the problem with trying to effect an attitude, virtue, vice, apathy or whatever character trait the lurve gurus are currently spittin about, is that it smacks of dishonesty, I mean how long can you keep whatever front you’re putting on before the real you comes out?

    And what if he/she only liked the ROLE you but not the REAL you and it becomes a problem?

    Well then you’ve wasted everyone’s time.

    Which is why I say find some one you can be the realest YOU with.

    I’ve implemented a simple policy for years, that’s worked well for me..

    I use GAME to get female company until I find one

    I don’t need GAME with

    And yes she’s always a clingy _itch but someone’s gotta wear the cling in the relationship and it aint gonna be me.

    Dude in gurrl fren’s story probably moved onto another clingy chick.

    So what’s difference SM?

    Well he probably didn’t need to play GAME with HER.

  • http://Blahsquared.wordpress.com Blahsquared

    I get what your Dad is saying. However, that only works for people who are already apathetic. You can’t fake indifference. The truth will seep out from your pores. You can’t be anyone else. You can only be you. I kinda got the vibe that maybe you get a little over excited and start doing almost everything for a man. Everytime something happens, you rush to his side. If that is the case, you may wanna peel back a little.

    The point is that guy just wasn’t the right one for you. When a man enjoys being with you he will. Not even the glory of God or baby Jesus could break you two up.

    Always be yourself. The right person for u will fit u like spandex on Amber Rose’s ass.

  • black_feminist

    I agree and I would love to be dating, as you describe it. So would most of my single girlfriends. The problem is that we can barely find one guy to date, let alone have a plethora to choose from and mix it up with on the weekends. My sister calls it dating like people on TV…

  • Socially Maladjusted

    Well to be honest African Mami, I wasn’t really responding to your post, I just put mine underneath yours because yours was the first one.

    Btw

    Btw calling someone clingy is not an insult, if you’re clingy then you’re clingy – but just find someone who likes that in a person. As long it’s not a suffocating, possessive unhealthy kind of clingyness, I don’t see why it would be a problem.

  • http://melindasperspective.blogspot.com Melinda

    I can totally relate to the writer’s plight.But I’ve learned to let the guy do some of the heavy lifting.It’s not really about playing games;it’s about getting him to earn your love,time and energy.

  • Chrissy

    Who said the women were offering sex to the man they just met? How do you know the author is using her sexuality to reel in men?

  • http://Blahsquared.wordpress.com Blahsquared

    Bwahaha! That’s the key… Don’t let them see u hurt. My dignity is more important than some fool

  • whilome

    I decided to expand my options and do online dating AND not limit myself to a particular race. My sister called me “the International Lover” because of the variety of men that were courting me. I still had a “type”, mind you, but it wasn’t simply the color of skin. In the midwest city I’m in, that narrow criteria would have made my options slim at best.

    Once I kept my eyes open for who was checking for me, the dates were there for the taking. I had fun. Glad it’s over, but I had fun.

  • Isis

    Not caring definitely works. Actually its not that I really don’t care but I don’t have time to care lol. I work 2 jobs so I don’t have time to be all up under dude, and it works. He sees me when i’m available to see him. If a woman has a real active social life the not caring will come or appearing to not care will be very easy. Men like the little chase or wondering where you are. A little healthy intrigue is good for the soul lol

  • http://www.imsatindoll.com Satin

    Okay lets say are we talking about that period where you are dating someone yet havent establish a serious relationship. I can understand if the art of “not giving a spit” is suppose to represent being relaxed and not coming off as needy or desperate. If that is what it is suppose to mean, then yeah good advice. However if we are talking about playing games or just being outright inconsiderate of someones time well its safe to say that WOMEN and MEN should be too old for that nonsense.

  • http://www.straightnochase.com Josie

    I was told a while ago that if you’re busy dating multiple men, you dont have time to trip over one. You wont realize that he didnt answer your text, or call like he said he was… You’ll be carefree and simply enjoy life.

    Now, I am similar to you (Author) but I refuse to be insane and keep doing the same shit and get lack luster results. Fortunately, i’m still young but I peep alot of 30+ women still investing all they got in one man… apparently thats not the role to play, time to change it up.

    xx
    josie

  • Shannon

    How is it that so many women are just now figuring this out?
    I guess FB having a popular culture that seems to celebrate the hapless, insecure and needy single woman in movies and on TV has messed up a lot of folks.

    Chicks who allow men they barely know to expect them to reply to texts, emails and calls within 2 secs are basically giving away all of their power. I see it all the time. When you’re out with your girls for drinks or dinner, put away the phone. Make them wonder what you did last night instead of giving them updates every 5 minutes. A little bit of mystery is always necessary.

  • Shannon

    FB *and* having a popular culture

  • Rachel

    I am the same way as the author. I don’t play games. I cannot act like I don’t give a, because I am an extremely caring person. I do give a!

    What I have done, however is take the hint when I wasn’t his number one and moved on. I am not a woman who plays games. So, I would not be compatible with a guy who does. This has saved me time. But more importantly it got me quality men. The boys who like to play will call back, but by that time you will have moved on to another caring individual like yourself.

  • Musstid Seeds

    “And call me silly, unrealistic, but I know there’s a dude out there who prefers that.”

    Hi Ms. Silly, Ms Unrealistic – There are plenty of good brothers out here who appreciate a good woman who knows how to love, give of herself, care for her man, and be one on one with a good brother. Please don’t fall into the death trap that so many sisters fall into by being mean, angry, difficult, aloof, and hard to get for no dam reason. As a black male who is serious about building a solid relationship with a solid female based on a real connection that is nurtured through honest conversation and similar values, I encourage you to stay who you are. Don’t be that sister to finally meet and connect with that real brother and you just so happen to be in “playing difficult mode” and lose him to a sister who was mature and real from the door. Competition is real out here ladies and I will tell you that the man that you want with the qualifications that you want (job, educated, honest, funny, caring etc.) DOES NOT want Ms. Difficult. Yes, a man likes the chase, but only to a certain extent.

    And for the dudes that did not work out in your past, just charge that to the game. Don’t let a bad past relationship ruin a future good one. Stay positive my sister and please know that the brother you want does exist.

  • Penny

    LOL. Look…it’s very simple. Some women have lives and it’s not difficult for them to come across as not giving a sh@t. Other women don’t have lives, so it’s a bit more difficult for them to come across as not giving a sh@t. Whatever the situation, the truth of the matter is that every heterosexual woman gives a sh@t to a certain extent; she has to if she wants a man. It’s not about being dishonest, it’s about being strategic. If what a woman wants is a man (a good one, hopefully), then a few behavioral adjustments may be to her benefit, especially if men (desirable ones) tend to be attracted to women with lives. By behavioral adjustments, I mean that not only is she making herself not so accessible to a man, but she is occupying that time of inaccessibility to enrich her life. She could be reading a book, seeing a movie with a friend, shopping, teaching, whatever…The point is that she make time for HER. She knows that her time is valuable and she is particular about how she distributes it. And yes, I realize that some of the women who don’t actually have lives would not be seeming to get one until they discover a man that sparks their interest. However, I say, if they ultimately get a life as a result of their interest in a particular man, where’s the harm? LOL.

  • sunnyboston

    I had a boyfriend in college who broke my heart, you know classic story. After our break-up I didn’t date for awhile then I dated several men at once. Dinner here, movies there, and occasional sex (with only one, of course). I think for that time in my life, that set-up was great. Dating several men at once does not allow time to wonder why he didn’t call or where is he. I just enjoyed their company when I was with them.

    PS – No one, male or female, want to constantly turn around to find you right behind them. Everyone needs space to breathe.

  • http://twitter.com/convo_girl convo_girl

    Please sir…..don’t impose the black women stereotypes into this thread. A woman can be the sweetest, nicest lady in the world but just not available at a man’s beck and call…or answering his text right away….or just keeping herself busy with hobbies/life activities that are just for her.

    I definitely believe women can and should learn to MANAGE their feelings. It may not feel comfortable, but it’s important both for dating and for relationships. For example, managing feelings comes in really handy when you’re angry or PMSing, right? Well, I contend that just as worthwhile to LEARN to create a little emotional distance even when things are going well. It’s not being aloof but simply not clingy.

    Not saying the author is/was a clinger. But if a guy cools off, for example, you BETTER pay attention and cool off, too. If he’s interested he will step up and show extra effort.
    That emotional distance shows a certain level of patience and self assurance that’s healthy for any relationship. I’m like a lot of women on the thread, but I’ve learned to manage my own feelings and it’s helped a ton.

  • http://twitter.com/convo_girl convo_girl

    I agree with every thing Kim said. Bravo!

    The only thing I will add is that women need to be VERY cautious about male/female culture that make some women feel they need to prove they are a good woman.

    I’ve seen women cooking, cleaning, buying gifts, doing straight up laundry (no lie) within a few months of dating to show a guy that they’re on point. Do not get me wrong. Preparing a romantic dinner is an excellent idea and so is picking your guy up from the airport; but…there’s a huge diff between that and busting your arse to show you’re a good catch. Too much, too soon just lowers your value in a man’s eyes. What’s more imp is being your positive and fun self on a consistent basis.

    The book, Mars Venus on a Date does a great job of breaking this down without beating up on women for doing things that might come naturally to some of us.

  • Courtney*

    “You are basically using you sexuality to reel him in, only you neglect to understand that what you are offering is nothing out of the ordinary for him. You are using your trump card (your body) early in the game thinking you’ll win the prize. And just like all the other times you’ve played this game, you lose.”

    What kind of paternalistic Freudian bullshit are you tripping on? Women can’t want to have sex with a guy they like BECAUSE THEY WANT TO ACTUALLY HAVE SEX? It all must come out of some deeper twisted psychological manipulation?

    Sir, please go sit down in a corner somewhere. If I have sex because I’ve met a guy that I like, I’m not trying to trap him into a goddamn thing. I was probably horny. I probably wanted to have fun with a person I was attracted to. Believe it or not, women do have sexual needs and even *gasp* make decisions based on those needs. Shocking, I know. Did you know we can even have ORGASMS???!!! :-O

  • Courtney*

    I don’t like to play games in romantic nor platonic relationship. I absolutely, 110% despise games. It is a complete waste of time and benefits NOBODY.

    On the flip side, if I’m in an extreme minority of people who believe this way, and on top of that, my suitable dating options as a black female are much less than my non-black or non-female peers, then I suppose at some point, I’m probably going to have to suck it up and join the game if I want a realistic shot at finding love. I’m playing games with a guy right now, although I’ve already decided that I won’t sleep with him. But he’s proved himself a very willing game-player, and I like to toy with egotistical assholes. Figure it might make him a better person for some other chick later down the line if he learns a bit of humility. In an IDEAL world, I would be able to be open and honest with men about my goals and intentions and feelings and it would not be used against me. But this isn’t the ideal world, this is the real world. And I like the analogy that someone else used about putting on your dressy work clothes and makeup, etc. to get an interview. Do you dress like that all the time? No. Do you consider that the genuine you? No. Do you feel like it’s something you should do to ensure a better opportunity to achieve your goal? Yes, you do.

  • grandgryph

    i think the prospect of `love’ suffers seriously once one becomes tactical. you can get yourself a relationship, and even affection through games(wo)manship, but not `love’, as i understand it.

    and, you are attacking dude for his stance on `sex as the ace’, but that’s advice mainly women are all to eager to give. under the guise of offering `wisdom’, there too are doing their bit to regulate female sexual behaviour to their advantage. and sometimes to ensure that their sistren make themselves incapable of love for all the power games.

    i always question why it is so normal for a person to try to manipulate and leverage his/her way into a relationship. should the manipulator succeed, how could s/he really respect and honour her/his `prey’?

    that so many people promote such an approach – and consider it to be more respectable than operating from a space of true feelings – undermines respectability itself. it shows `respectability’ to be calculated `letter of the law over spirit of the law’ acted out to impose one’s will on another. i don’t see how that – especially when it succeeds – can be a foundation for love.

    obviously one takes precautions, and is selective in chooses who they let into their life and just how they relate to another, but that i think is very different from `games’.

  • Socially Maladjusted

    @Penny

    . . . “a few behavioral adjustments may be to her benefit,”

    Would “behavioural adjustments” include fixing character or personality flaws?

    behavioural adjustments sounds pretty shallow and may not be enough to get to the heart roots or depths of the problem. Feel me?

    LOL!

    . . . “especially if men (desirable ones) tend to be attracted to women with lives.”.

    Oh so you’re only clingy with “desirable” men but not clingy with, say –

    socially maladjusted men?

    riiiight!

    By behavioral adjustments, I mean that not only is she making herself not so accessible to a man

    and you think doing what comes easy with socially maladjusted men ie, making yourself inaccessible to them, will work with men you find desirable?

    LMAO!

    LMAO again

    Well as a humble and undesirable socially maladjusted man, I’m experiencing an exquisitely satisfying feeling of schadenfreude, right about now.

    :-)

  • http://fattiesoslim.tumblr.com FattieSoSlim

    At first I was kind of scared of the path for this article, but I ended up really liking it.

  • African Mami

    @ Socially Maladjusted,

    I do not know who in God’s green changing because of global warming earth would want to be in a relationship with a clingy person. Not unless it’s 2 psychos terribly in love with each other. As such, it ain’t cute, technically not an insult, but could be taken as such!

  • Socially Maladjusted

    Ok African Mami

    be clingy

    don’t be clingy

    but sprinkle a lil CHILL on whichever one you choose

    gosh

    walking off feeling like I just took a beatin for a violation someone else dun.

    LMAO!

  • au napptural

    LOL @ Courtney

    Some ppl think every move a woman makes is predicated on what a man thinks, says, wants, does, etc. This is not the case, and they are just sad about it.

  • Simone

    I’m not one for games and never have been. Not all lovers are game players and if they are game players….let them play with someone else. And the comment about not letting them see you hurt, so what. You are hurt, so now you’re playing the game and not being real with yourself. Please.

    If you find yourself having to play games with your lover like some tv sitcom, ask yourself if you really do LOVE yourself. There’s nothing wrong with being single—stop buying into the media.

  • SisterAyiti

    I used to be the same way. I always gave up too much of myself during the early stages of dating and after the guy fulfilled his conquest I was left empty and dry. What made me turn around? I stopped dating for awhile(6 months to a year is best) and started really, truly being honest with myself. I also started saying too myself: “If this one isn’t right, their will be others.” Their will always be others. Men are everywhere. If you stay in your own backyard, community, city, town, state then yes, you may think their is a shortage of men but I’m a free-spirited get up and go kind of girl and never feel like I’m out of options.

    Its about being open to adventure ladies. Quit wasting your time with Mr. Alright if you find yourself giving more than he is. The guy I’m dating now calls, texts every day to check up on me. I’m usually too busy to meet up (plus we have such different schedules) but it makes him want me even more.

  • EssDot323

    +1

  • Jinx Moneypenny

    Moral of the story: have other shit going on. Men are intrigued by that; there are tons of women who will lay down in the street for a passing glance and any woman who isn’t like that WILL get more.

  • Tanya

    Thanks for sharing. Its like she has been meddling in my life the last 9 months. But it is refreshing to know that Im not the only one going through this….

  • http://twitter.com/CoCoChiq CoCoChiq

    I believe acting like you don’t give a shit is just another form of playing games. It is dishonest to the person acting like he/she doesn’t care when they actually do. That is a waste of time for him/her. Who do you think you are fooling. If you have to act like you don’t care then that person is not worth your time or effort.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jessica-HueypNewton-McMorris/3430998 Jessica HueypNewton McMorris

    By far, one of my favorite relationship advice post!!! lol

  • Crystal

    Sorry I’m posting this but I want to all I can to get crush to like me

    1. Think of your crush
    2. Make a heart with your hands
    3. Kiss the heart
    4. Put the heart where your real heart is
    Tomorrow your crush will ask you out
    This will only work if you post this on your favorite article

    report
    by lol154 on 10/9/2012 7:31:08 PM

  • divya

    hey i am too exactly like you! and have faced simliar problems! i have changed myself in many ways now..! goodluck

  • Taylor kauzt

    1)think of ur crush
    2)make a heart
    3)kiss ur heart while still making it
    4)put the heart where ur real heart is
    5) tommorow ur crush will ask u out
    6) this will only work if u post this on ur favorite article

  • ??????????

    1) cuss a lot when someone asks you a questin

    2) dont let people tell you what to do

    3)NEVER let your good side come over and destory you…….. ever

    4) (this one is for the teens) dont do your homework whhen your parents tell you to do it on your oun time when people arent looking…

    5) (for parents) dont let your kid or kids tell you what to do do stuff on your own time!!!!!!!

    ACT LIKE YOU DONT GIVE A @@$#%=(SHIT)

    -M

  • mandymandy

    Ive tried that acting like you don’t give a $hit thing and it only works for so long, then that fades as well. I’m sweet, giving and kind and I’m sure someone will come along and appreciate that one day!

  • Dennis Rainey

    I have just found the right one and the greatest spell caster on earth who has brought back my happiness and turned my world around by helping me get my ex partner and helped get back my life cause i was totally frustrated after 6years of hardship and pain, a friend of mine buzz me on my email saying i should cheer up cause solution has come. At first i was like what are you saying, then she mentioned the name ‘EBOEHI’ and i must thank my savior Great DR EBOEHI who has play a very vital part of my life making me a great person and the most happiest person today you are a great man who is bless by powers with traditional healing spell caster, after Great DR EBOEHI has help me get my ex back he also help me recover what i have lost in past years i must thank him (Great DR EBOEHI) the life he has restored back for me and my happiness. Now i am doing well in my work and also with my partner, Great DR EBOEHI is a very great spell caster you need to know just meet him and with your problem and it will be over.. Email him via: ([email protected])…

  • Dennis Rainey

    I have to keep you updated because I’m simply AMAZED at the results of the spell you performed for me in getting my partner back to me in good health. Everything is going so well and EXACTLY how you said it would be. Even though it took a little time to fully progress, it was so worth it because things are just about at perfection! How you took my situation and completely turned it around to give me exactly what I wanted is beyond me, but something I will never question and just be completely grateful for me coming across you. God Bless you for helping so many people get what their heart desires. You truly gifted! . you can also contact him for help as well ([email protected])

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