Everyone knows Facebook timelines are the stuff of stalkers’ wet dreams.  They make everything about your online life even more public, privacy settings be damned. But this new fangled timeline? Facebook is telling all your business in just one or two clicks.  So now I’ve gotta be even more careful about who I’m adding to my friends list.  I mean, I’ve always been very choosy but I need to get even choosy-er. Because there are some folks I just don’t want in my FB life–ever. In random order they are:

People who never spoke to me in college or high school
If we matriculated at the same institution for 4 years or more and never thought to speak to one another, we might as well continue that streak. If you ignored my awesomeness (and I didn’t recognize yours) while we were on a tiny liberal arts campus, then we clearly weren’t meant to be friends.

Parents (even though one is already on my friend’s list)
My mom requested my Facebook friendship when she first joined back in January 2010.  I did my best to ignore it, but when she asked me about it at dinner four months later, I was shamed into accepting her e-friendship, virtually freeing her from Facebook purgatory.

But, I didn’t want her to see how much I curse.  At 26, I’m still wary about letting my mother know that I can sometimes have a potty mouth. Also, I didn’t want her to see any of the foolery that the college me engaged in—like the senior bar crawl I planned which turned out to be a night of epic foolery with 200 people (mostly drunk) barhopping for 5 hours. Oh and the theme was “We’re Sotally Tober.” It was awesome, but she doesn’t have to know that. Thankfully, there are no walks of shame pics and no photos of me passed out on the floor after an extra fun night. There is that picture of me asleep in the club, but that’s okay because it could mean I just went out tired. Yes. Let’s go with that.

Now my Dad keeps asking me why I won’t add him as a friend. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll add him soon. Probably not.

Exes
Sirs, we’re done. Whatever reason we ending things I’m sure was a good one. Maybe I’m just a jerk and got bored with you one day. Or maybe the very thought of you makes me want to dropkick a teddy bear. Either way, our journey has ended. Don’t add me on Facebook. Just look at a picture of me with your replacement and then feel salty that I’ve all but forgotten you. And I surely don’t want to see you frolicking with someone else (who is clearly not as cute as I am). Let’s keep it moving and stay out of each other’s lives, virtually or otherwise.

Archenemies
Not that I’m a cartoon villain or anything, but I’ve fallen out with a couple of people over the years. There are people out there in the Internet ether who elicit hater thoughts and feelings in me. Like the girl who started rumors that I liked her dude in high school (I didn’t. He had bleach blonde highlights. No.). Or the guy who gave me an atomic wedgie in the 3rd grade. Either way, there are folks I don’t like at all. If I can’t stand you in real life, then let’s not connect digitally. Cool?

Foolish acquaintances
There are some people on Facebook who use it only to document their foolery and hoodrat ways. These people are Forever 21 in maturity level and wardrobe choices. You know who they are. The friends of friends who are always on the way to or from “the club.”  Their page reads like an excerpt from “Tales of a 20th Grade Nothing.” Yes, I may know them in real life, but I’d never usually speak to them because they’re, well, hoodrats. So just stick to your bottle of Sköl vodka and don’t request me.

Drama magnets
Everyday, there’s at least one person who posts a status in my newsfeeds declaring, “Haters won’t bring me down!”  This is one status too many. I didn’t sign in for that, Mary J. *Delete* The only reason some Drama Magnets are still on my friends list? Because I know if I delete them their very next status message will probably be about me.

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  • Misty

    You never realize how weird some people are until you add them on FB! I’m annoyed by the “Food for Thought Guy”, he thinks he’s giving such great advice and life lessons…save it! Then the person that’s always claiming someone is “hating on them”…trust me they’re not. Then there has to be the “so in love” chic. She’s professing her love and how “happy she is he came into her life” every 5 min. And they’re both sitting there at home together. Couldn’t you just have said that to his face?!? Now to top things off I recently added the militant brotha. He continually posts old pics of black people getting lynched! Why?!?

    • July

      @Misty

      You’re SPOT ON. The “Food for Thoughts” guy is so annoying. They never are as intellectual as they pretend to be.

      And the “hatersBhatin” chick is a certain type of delusional. Awhile ago, I had a bunch of them on my friends list and everyday they would post statuses about their “haters”. SMH

      …AND don’t get me started on the chick who thinks everyone cares about her boyfriend!

  • July

    This article is timely as hell. This guy who saw me at a bar once added me and sent me one of those “Wats good, ma” type of messages. I don’t know about you guys but I don’t have time to be someone’s penpal. After being nice and answering some of his dumb questions like, “So are you studying to be a lawyer or an attorney?”….I sent a message that said:

    “Facebook is a way for me to foster existing relationships which means answering questions about myself for someone I’ve never via message isn’t ideal for me. Otherwise know that I find random messages (from pple I’ve never met) annoying. But please, don’t take it personally…it’s just how I choose to use fb.”

    Was that bitchy y’all? I responded to those messages when I was 18, I got sh!t to do now….

  • worldisouroyster

    I think the biggest issue I have is erasing family but I will have to get over this. It’s all the younger cousin’s (early 20’s) with the bizzarre nicknames (showing my age) and ridiculous status updates. Two examples of at least four cousins- 1.In one day she says ‘I hate leavin him-wish we lived together’ and then ‘single and staying that way’ then back to ‘love my man’. Then there’s the other cousin who begins and ends each day with a thank you to God but in between has status updates about how great her husband and their love is and then throws in a few comments about all the ‘haters and ____ ‘ who are trying to knock her hustle. Honestly here isn’t that much going on in your life that you should have amassed such a large number of haters which you must address daily. I do have to say that all the mutual status updates about their love make me thank God because I know no one else would want either of them-but honestly it gets a bit stale and irritating, particularly when cousin and husband constantly comment on each other’s statuses professing their love even more. Yes removing them from news feed works but it feels so cathartic to purge people. God forbid other people know that I am actually related to these people ;-)

    • Golden Silence

      Oh, the ones with names like “Toya ImmaDoMe Jones” and “Trey CashMoneyBlingBling Johnson.” The fake Facebook names are out of control.

  • Golden Silence

    Another group to add to this list are the overly devoted moms. These women post nothing but updates about their kids, photos of their kids, and do nothing but talk about their kids. I’ve seen some that as soon as they’ve given birth they’re posting photos and updates on Facebook instead of spending time recovering from labor. It’s shocking how many female friends I had who were such bright, witty, and multifaceted women, just for them to lose their identities when they became moms. They go from being “Mary” to “Jenny’s Mom.” It shocks me how these women have rendered themselves invisible for their kids. And it’s as if they’re trying to “outmom” each other online. It’s like a competition!

    I know not all mothers are like this, and the ones who love their kids but still remember themselves are the ones who don’t fade to the background.

    • grace

      I was thinking about this very topic earlier today. Why do women of a certain age choose between two identities–either establishing identity through the roles they play in others’ lives–mother, wife, sister–and establishing identity through the things they do–ballet dancer, biologist, writer? I just get surprised when women, after accomplishing certain things, have kids and say THAT is the greatest thing a woman can do. Isn’t that a little demeaning to women who can’t or choose not to? (Totally off-topic, but I would love it if Clutch did an article on it by the way, hint hint. But of course in a tactful way that does not raise heated debates like those of the natural/relaxed sort)

  • MarloweOverShakespeare

    Definitely thinking about the fake philosophers and strangers with one friend in common.

    As for Exes, they’re not in my phone contacts, so they’re not in my friend’s list either. This is how some fresh relationships start to rot.