Are You Suffering from the Thirst? Demand Better
Chivalry, the grand gestures once considered the normal way in which gentleman courted women, is officially on life support.
Once a favored practice originated during days of knighthood, this element of the chase has seemingly been be replaced by lowered standards, a lack of expectations and general laziness. While the debate continues as to which sex is more at fault for chivalry’s demise, I’d suggest that some women are playing themselves short because of their “thirst.”
If you desire a man to “date” you—you know, acts of social activities that allow couples to assess suitability and intimacy without opening a condom–then the standard should be presented upfront.
In the early stages of dating, a helpful barometer for ladies to maintain a balanced effort going forward is “men will only do what you allow them to.” This mantra—which isn’t a concrete fact—is supposed to remind women of their power, which sometimes becomes gets sacrificed in exchange for the chance to update a Facebook relationship status or bragging rights that you’re no longer “single.” Most women know the basic rules of dating, though some do not observe them, instead opting to settle for less than they initially intended.
The “thirst,” or blatant acts of desperation, often pops up before courting truly begins, signaling to a man you’ll do anything to be “someone” to him. For example, excessive calling, text messages, making plans for holiday gatherings with only a hint of his character revealed (cue scary ‘Jason’ music) can totally scare a man off. The thirst can also be a neon sign that little effort is needed to secure attention, making a woman the doormat, possible sidepiece, or an afterthought. Lazy men love thirsty women—it’s an unproven law of attraction.
Perhaps past relationships or frustrations have forced a woman to lower her standards, which inevitably garners some results. But is it really enough? For example, if a man has the luxury of visiting only during late night hours—in your living space—with food prepared and hot sex waiting to be served up on a platter, what is the incentive of doing anything more than simply showing up?
I overstand that circumstances like a failing economy, low funds or a lack of creativity can hinder a typical dinner date at a four-star restaurant downtown, but a walk in the park is free. Everyone is worthy of being seen in public—the true act of dating. Because let’s be real, constant house/room calls were given the side eye even during freshman year of college. So why are some of us settling for less?
Ladies, requests for men to be more chivalrous will probably go ignored if we fail to set different standards in the very beginning. Making yourself too available or quickly altering your schedule to appease his, without expecting the same in return, further validates the notion that very little work receives all the rewards (yes, sex and time are considered rewards). Lowered expectations work in conjunction with the lack of proper courting and the “thirst,” proving that if you don’t carry yourself like a prize through your words and actions, how in the world can we expect men appreciate to treat us as such?
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I always love that you always provide at least one sentence to take away from your writing. “…if you don’t carry yourself like a prize through your words and actions, how in the world can we expect men appreciate to treat us as such?” such a powerful, poignant, and truthful statement that I wish more would women would take to heart. They are to be earned, not simply “chosen”. I love women (I love my wife the most, though) and I want to see them be treated with the utmost respect that they demand of themselves. It begins with themselves, though, for sure.
I can’t say I’ve ever had this issue. It’s always the other way around with a guy excessively calling me or sending me text messages. I EXPECT to be treated respect. The men are the ones who become disrespectful when their weak conversations don’t work or become upset that I don’t acknowledge them.
[This whole thing of labeling women as 'thirsty' gets on my nerves. There is always a new word from the BC to label women in a demeaning way.]
I have noticed that even when a brotha doesn’t know you at all, he instantly assumes a familiarity when speaking with you; a familiarity that is usually profane or sexually forward.
Other races of men don’t treat me this way when we first meet, so what’s up with black men treating me so carelessly and so roughly?
This is the number one issue I have with Black men.
They think because I am Black and that they are too that I am supposed to swoon at their lame pick up lines and weak conversation and then act angry that I don’t respond to their “Aye, light skin” and “Ay, shorty” calls.
If we are going to talk about ‘thirst’, I can direct anyone to my Tumblr page where I have written about numerous accounts of men following me to try and talk to me.
Last month as I was walking home, some man on a motorcycle rode by staring at me. Several minutes later when got to my house I hear a motorcycle slow down behind me. I turned to see who it was and what do you know? It was the man who rode by me staring. He either watched me or searched for me. I had to walk past my house to the other end of the neighbor just so he wouldn’t know where I lived.
Yeah, this really pisses me off about black men. It’s true, other men don’t do this, and furthermore, black men don’t do it to other races of women. It’s just their special little thing for us.
Most black men are really lacking in the social graces department. This not only doesn’t bother them, almost all of them wear their ignorance of manners and etiquette as a badge of honor – something to be proud of. They’s keepin it real, y’all. And when there’s a group of them, it’s like they’re having a contest to see who can be the most uncouth member of the group.
And then, you have that tiny percentage of black men that actually are aware of how to conduct themselves around ladies, but they keep these skills in mothballs and trot them out only on special occasions, which makes the manners themselves look fake and exaggereated. The skills are so rusty from lack of use that the man ends up just looking clumsy and awkward.
SMDH!
Ladies….please…. understand that not all black men are without the ability or understanding to treat women in a gentlemanly manner. I do not discount that a lot of men use something other than the “excuse me Miss” approach and I am sorry that some of you have been confronted with such salutations. But the truth of the matter is that a lot of women respond to that sort of thing. If every woman felt the way that you all feel then men would no longer do it because they would see it as unproductive.
When guys do weird and crazy stuff repeatedly it is because it has worked for them on some ocasions. With a different type of woman. I have to much class to act like a 10th grader when I speak to women but I know for a fact that a lot of women consider my approach too soft for them. And that is cool. I am not gonna grab her ass on the street because she secretly likes a man to objectify her. I am going to find a woman who appreciates my sense of respect.
If guys approach you that way sometimes then just chalk it up to some bad apple in the crowd. But if they approach you that way all the time, instead of lamenting that all black men act that way, consider that you may want ot surround yourself with a different class of people. I am sure all of you will get different repsonses.
“…Consider that you may want ot surround yourself with a different class of people. I am sure all of you will get different responses.”
Pfft! I do not surround myself with men who act like that. I am not even attracted to Black men. Men like the ones described above are everywhere. Heck, even in areas I visit where there is more of a wealthy, White population Black men still behave this way.
What you have done is wiped men of the responsibility for controlling their behavior by saying, “Well, it worked on some woman…”
Yeah, just some bad apples.
Hardly ever happens.
My fault for being around low-class men.
What alternate reality do you live in, anyway?
Not to detract from the thread, I do agree with all of you. But a lot of this sounds like street harassment. It shouldn’t happen at all, but honestly I wouldn’t even count dudes like that toward the general population. They’re *always* going to do something extra/disrespectful because they can, and it seems to be accepted…*shudder*. I get that it’s frustrating. It truly is. But I still say please don’t discount black guys because of foolishness like this
Great insight!
Dear Meagan D. Ford,
Stop thinking about what used to happen in the old ages! Please….be real!
Do you realize that a young woman is in fact competiting against ALL WOMEN to get her desired MAN just like a young MAN is in competition against ALL THE MEN IN THE WORLD to get his desired WOMAN?
Dear Stanley,
Please stick to your blow up dolls and leave real women (like Meagan D. Ford and the rest of the women on this site) ALONE.
signed,
a real woman
I’ve always been good about keeping guys’ interest and making them work for my affection.
However, I did experience the “thirsty” faze once. A few years back, I had just ended a 2 year relationship that was horrible. Because I was rebounding, I became extremely attached to the first guy I met (a month later). While he was blowing up my phone at first and working to be everywhere I was, I soon became the one texting all the time, inviting to my birthday party with friends (it was too soon), etc. He ended up becoming a bit distant and less attentive. I cut him off quickly realizing I had no interest in playing games, but that I had come across way needy.
Also, this part of the article is the truth: “…if a man has the luxury of visiting only during late night hours—in your living space—with food prepared and hot sex waiting to be served up on a platter, what is the incentive of doing anything more than simply showing up?”
My best friend recently did that – met a guy she really like who always came over to her place for dinner and lovin’. This went on for a good six months with only one out-of-the-house date. She caught feelings bad. I told her he wasn’t going to see her as potential because she had become his doormat and wasn’t demanding what she really wanted from him. My advice: Make him work for it!!!
*stands up and claps* excellent, excellent, excellent article!
Dear Secret Ninja,
Do you know about shaming tactics?
It seems like young Black people don’t even know how to date anymore. Its really sad. I’ve heard many men say that they will not take out any woman on a date who is not their official girlfriend. I’ve even heard a friend of a friend say she “doesn’t date”, she only has boyfriends. Wtf?! How do you make someone your boyfriend if you haven’t taken the time to get to know them and date them? We have to stop acting so thirsty for that boyfriend/girlfriend label before taking the time to get to know if the person is even boyfriend/girlfriend worthy.
Great argument set forth by the author, chivalry is dying but I dont see it coming back any time soon though. If there not acting chivalrous to a certain group of women they have their reasons.
Something about the title didn’t grab me at first, I’m glad I gave this article a chance.
Agreed. Chivalry is definitely dying, and there are a lot of reasons for it. One of the main ones may be the fact that gender roles are evolving in our society in a way that hasn’t been seen in recorded history …ever. This actually contributes heavily to the whole “men versus women” mentality that’s going on right now across all racial groups.
The other main reason is that chivalry isn’t doing anything significant for a lot of the men who have subscribed to it, in terms of their dating. We’ve reached a point where, for a lot of men, chivalry has little to no effect on their own market value. This article alludes to this point as well.
That being said, I’m a chivalrous dude. I make that conscious effort to walk on the side of the street alongside traffic, I open doors and I pay.
But, I am also around women who nurture this. They smile. They say “Aww! Thank you!”, among other things. They let me know that it was appreciated. So, I suspect that a lot of women haven’t been showing that appreciation. Maybe because they felt chivalry was something they were entitled to. Why would anyone be thankful for something that they were supposed to receive anyway, eh?
If that’s the case as well, then no wonder it’s been on a decline. Chivalry only works in an environment that nurtures it; it’s not like men naturally want to be chivalrous, after all. This means that women play a very important role in it all.
Agree with you 100% gender roles have inadvertently contributed the death of chivalry, the idea behind it was heroism, defending and protecting. Now what happens when the “weaker” sex is no longer considered weak and need saving? From there you have to look at the actual character of the person you are being chivalrous to. That goes into your other point, if men do not see their actions as appreciated or encouraged than why continue it especially if it doesnt effect your standing among the women? If she always going to see me as a high commodity regardless of what I do than why try?On the other side if she is always going to look at me as scum or not her type, why try? Your right when you say some women think they are owed this conduct, that is debatable.
That all being said I dont think men lower or raise themselves to match the energy given out by women. Chivalry should be a benefit of men a way of showing respect, self respect and demanding respect. Women do not have anything to do with it, it should be who you are. That what I try to tell the young pups, you do it for your self not for them.
I must admit, I just got out of a thristy situation last month and didn’t even realize I was being that way until it was over. Then I became ashamed of myself and my actions because I know I’m not really like that. I know my worth and what I truly want, yet I settled for less and tried to convice myself I was happy with that just for some “company”. When I look back on it, he wasn’t worth any seconds of my time and I’m glad we only “dated” for 6 weeks but still, that’s 6 weeks of my life that I wasted with someone unworthy and me acting like he was the best thing since sliced bread that I can’t ever get back. Since the “break up”, I’ve decided not to date for a while to get my head together and become healthier mentally because I’ll be dammed if I end up in another situation like that. Gotta start standing up for myself and what I believe and stick to my morals and standards of treatment if I expect any man to come correct. And if that means I have to wait a while, then that’s just what it is.
I have a friend doing this right now and its sobering seeing it when its not you. I can tell its going to end badly and I will be there to listen when she wants to talk. Right now, shes not listening to anyone…
hate to be the twice commenter but i literally just had to give you a round of applause *no forreal, I just applauded my computer screen LOL* Because you said something I barely see young women recognize. When you noticed a pattern of behavior that was contrary to who you were and didn’t garner the results you wanted (i.e a happy fullfilling validating relationship) YOU STOPPED DATING!!! Everyone seems to be on this race to either the alter or their next relationship not realizing if your a screwed up person all you’ll be is a screwed up person in a relationship or a marriage. Working on YOU is vital, especially once you start seeing smoke signals( settling for less, dysfunctional relationships ect). A lot of young women need to work on them, ask themselves why its so important to be in a relationship any ways? Me personally, I spent the first six years out of my parents house dealing with the reprocusions of men I allowed into my life. SIX YEARS! I’m just now getting to know self outside of the constant search for a Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now. Young women develope yourselves. Deal with your issues, build yourself up to the person you want to be. And just like that, a real man, a decent man, he’ll find you. :)
@Ms_Micia: Thank you, lol. I’m just tired…soooo very tired of the same thing over and over again and the problem starts with the women! We’re so quick to point out all the flaws a man has but fail to realize that we DON’T have to put up with it! There were so many points with that man that I should’ve walked away, from the first phone conversation we had yet I still pursued it, ended up heartbroken and it was my own fault because I didn’t want to see all the red flags. I just wanted to be with someone. You made a really good point when you said we gotta start asking ourselves why is being in a relationship SO important because I have yet to really figure that out myself. I’ve been in and out of relationships since middle school (yes, MIDDLE school and I’m 27 now!), been married (now divorced) and I’m TIRED! I thought after my divorce, I moved into my own place and thought that I would be in a better place mentally but I never got there because I was still jumping in and out of bad situations with men. I’m really over it now. I just want to focus on going back to school for my bachelor’s in journalism and having fun. I also want to focus on making more friendships with other women because as much as we sit around and bash each other, we really need female friends! Men can wait right now…I only hope that if/when the right one does come around that I’m not too blind (or jaded) to see it.
Let the church say Amen(d)! Chile…..
Very eloquently written and needed to be said. Take a loooong sip of lemonade ladies and quench that thirst. Real love will not find you while you are suffering from the equivelant of dry mouth in the relationship area. My momma told me a long time ago “YOU SET THE PACE!” Any man worth the time of day is GOING to move at your pace. And if he doesn’t, do ya really want’em in the first place. I haven’t met a man, any man that doesn’t like to feel like he’s getting a prize in the woman that he marries. Now if being the side peice, late night phone call, fly in for the weekend woman is the life for you…then uhhh…keep lying to yourself. hehe. But when you realize your worth and value, you’ll start to have more validating, fullfilling relationships with men. Your cookies, your time, your conversation, that bad cocktail dress you just bought with the fabulous shoes ALL of that is worth someone truly valuing. If your a diamond, and you want to be treated as such (i.e valuable and worth a hell of alot) then you have to behave like it. Don’t sell yourself short. Opening doors and bringing flowers is just the tip of the iceburg honeys. But it’s a start that every woman should expect.
A taped phone call of a woman begging a man to come over to her house,offering to pay for his cab,cooking for him and just being waay too desparate. Dude,who was an arse taped the whole thing and sent it into a radio station and it went viral. Google Nicole and Muturi.
Also,how did a thread about thirsty women become a black man bashing opp?
“Also,how did a thread about thirsty women become a black man bashing opp?”
How could it not? This is Clutch after all. The author could be talking about the Big Bang Theory and the formation of the universe, and it would all lead back to “ni99as ain’t ish” attitude in the comment section lol.
A lot of Black men act ‘thirsty’ when it comes to women, but for whatever reason the word ‘thirsty’ is mostly used to describe women.
If you have to ask, “Also, how did a thread about thirsty women become a black man bashing pop?” then you do not recognize that there is a larger issue at hand.
My best friend never has issues with men treating her well. Ever. She gets disrespectful men to treat her well because she sincerely knows (not believes) but knows she deserves it. Treating her with respect is not an option but a requirement. She is an awesome person to be around, has a lot to offer and she knows it. Any man (this includes male friends) who don’t realize that will no longer hear from her and will miss out on an awesome thing. They know it. They rise to the occasion and everyone is happy. I have learned a ton from her namely that dating is as terrible or as awesome as you make it and to not believe that you’re worthy of less for any reason. She doesnt even entertain the black men aren’t s*it/dark skinned women can’t get a man foolishness. She dates successful black/african men 24/7 and I literally have seen men of all races swoon over her even though she’s not the most attractive woman in the world. She thinks highly of herself, lives life to the fullest and it gets her what she wants.
@thinkpink
All of this is absolutely necessary for people to read. I’m tired of men and women, acting like spokespersons of each respective gender, saying this and that needs to be done in order to be in a loving relationship. Uh no. The only thing you need is confidence and conviction! It’s attractive.
Sadly many of today’s women are too disrespectful these days and have devalued themselves into getting treated the way that they prefer to. Most of the articles are written from the default “men are always wrong, and women are always right” perspective. This is simply wrong and does a disservice to women robbing them of the introspection that is needed for them to embrace personal accountability. Too many women have never ever taken the time to actually find out what good men want in a woman, rather they tend to assume what the believe what constitutes a good wife. Often times ladies you aren’t being treated the way you would like to be treated because many of you are not the ladies that you think you are and simply have not earned “star” treatment. This is probably hard for many women to accept but if you are to ever mature and embrace accountability the you will have to come to grips with this reality. Not every female is a lady and I’m sure most women will agree with that, the problem is most women will not admit that the non-lady is them. Many of the things that encourage chivalry in men encompass respect which many women lack these days.
So in conclusion, it’s not until women take accountability for their own dysfunctional behavior and understand its connection to their unfulfilled relationships, many will be single and unhappy for the rest of their lives. Men do not have to put up with that mess anymore. Qualities men do not like that many women exhibit which contributes to men lack of chivalry include:
Being loud and Disrespectful
Not being intellectual
Being over weight
Having multiple children my multiple men
Being overly materialistic
Being shallow
Having a penchant for shows like Basket Ball Wives
Having a sense of entitlement
Not being properly submissive
Not being domestic
Being Angry and having a ghetto attitude
And blaming men for wanting what “WE” want in a woman.
Like a job interview, know what your potential employer is looking for first.
Revised ….. Sorry for the typos….
Sadly many of today’s women are too disrespectful these days and have devalued themselves into getting treated in ways they prefer not to. Most of these articles are written from the default “men are always wrong, and women are always right” perspective placing little to ZERO blame on women. This is simply wrong and does a tremendous disservice to women robbing them of the introspection that is needed for them to embrace personal accountability. Too many women have never ever taken the time to actually find out what good men want and do not want in a woman, rather they tend to assume what they believe what constitutes a good girl/wife. Often times ladies you aren’t being treated the way you would like to be treated because many of you are not the “ladies” that you think you are and simply have not earned “star” treatment. This is probably hard for many women to accept but if you are to ever mature and embrace accountability then you will have to come to grips with this reality. Not every female is a lady and I’m sure most women will agree with that, the problem is most women will not admit that the non-lady is them. Many of the things that encourage chivalry in men encompass respect which many women lack these days.
So in conclusion, it’s not until women take accountability for their own dysfunctional behavior and understand its connection to their unfulfilled relationships, many will be single and unhappy for the rest of their lives. Men do not have to put up with that mess anymore and are disengaging at alarming numbers as indicated by the changing views on marriage. Qualities men do not like that many women exhibit which contributes to many mens lack of chivalry include:
Being loud and Disrespectful
Not being intellectual
Being over weight
Having multiple children my multiple men
Being overly materialistic
Being shallow
Having a penchant for shows like Basket Ball Wives
Having a sense of entitlement
Not being properly submissive
Not being domestic (cooking cleaning)
Being Angry and having a ghetto attitude
And blaming men for actually wanting what “WE” want in a woman.
Like a job interview, know what your potential employer is looking for first, then go on the interview.
Most Black men, from my experience use chivalry as a way to flirt with women, not because they are geuinelly courteous people.
That list you made can easily be pointed back at men, black men specifically.
There are a lot of men who:
Have children with multiple women
Are materialistic and pretend they have wealth by the car they drive
Tell people, “I got money!”, but can’t even correctly fill out a check or deposit slip (Not being intellectual)
Are shallow and have a sense of entitlement demanding a woman be a ‘ten’, but then they walk out of the house sagging their pants with holes in their boxers and jeans all ripped up.
Have a penchant for strip clubs
Are not domestic – The only time they eat a real meal is when they go home to their mother or are in a relationship. Otherwise they survive on fast food and snacks. A lot of men can barely do their own laundry without having to ask a woman on how to do it.
And blaming other people for the shortcomings in their life.
*genuinely
I’m all for introspection, so why don’t we all just stick to being introspective for ourselves. We’d all benefit if more people would worry about improving their own attributes before jumping to flame others.
So…. maybe you could do some introspection of your own? Worry about your life or even the state of Black men instead of lecturing women about why they are supposedly undeserving of chivalry. Maybe if more Black guys worried about what other Black men are doing more so than what Black women are doing more would be graduating from college. You are not a woman and have no place to tell a woman how to act like woman… so your opinion will never be taken in the same way as the author, for example. I think chivalry, like general human kindness, has more to do with the nature of the person exhibiting it (or not exhibiting it) than the type of people around that person, but thanks for the enlightenment anyway…who knew fat women didn’t deserve chivalry?