Big Love: Is Your Weight Holding You Back?

by Britni Danielle

Last summer I read Demetria Lucas’ book A Belle In Brooklyn: The Go-to-Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. While I thoroughly enjoyed her hilarious take on her dating life throughout the years (and filed away some of her advice for later use), one chapter gave me pause: Weighty Matters.

In ‘Weighty Matters?’ Lucas deals with a very big problem (no pun intended) plaguing women—especially Black women—our weight.

She writes: “I’ve been wondering for a while if the collective weight of Black women is affecting our ability to pair off. And by weight, I mean the numbers on the scale, not our emotional baggage, although for some of us, that is heavy, too.

I can’t help but notice that in nearly every run-down of what it is that Black men are looking for in a Black woman, weight inevitably sneaks into onto the list, usually in the form of “she works out” or “she stays fit” or “she is concerned about her health or personal appearance”—i.e., she’s not fat.

As someone who’s always had a “plus” in front of my size, reading that kind of stung.

Growing up, I was always the chubby, shy girl. Throughout the years, I’ve (mostly) shed my shyness and my weight has redistributed itself to be on par with my height, but I still live very much on the “voluptuous” side of town (that picture is close to what I look like naked).  In the past—college—I didn’t really care. I was confortable with myself and I was still attractive to others, so being “thick” didn’t bother me, and as a matter of fact, I wore it with pride.

These days, however, as I’m firmly grown and not as active as I used to be, I can’t help but think that perhaps my weight is holding me back from meeting “the one.” Sure, I meet men all of the time, several of whom tell me I’m beautiful and sexy. But for one reason or another, some of these men just don’t do it for me. They’re nice enough, not assholes, employed, but I’m not physically attracted to them. But, chile…the ones that do cause my pressure to rise? At times I wonder if they’re not giving me a second look because my stomach isn’t flat and I have a little extra roundness to my thighs.

Admittedly, I partake in double standards.

While some might consider me “a big girl,” I’m not really attracted to “big” guys. I like men with athletic, strong bodies. Not by any means “perfect” or extra-cut, but not Rick Ross style either (your tits can’t be bigger than mine, sorry).

But how can I be so picky about a man’s body while expecting him to overlook mine?

While I’m all for women embracing their bodies—which I do—I’m also not about promoting unhealthiness. While big is indeed beautiful, it can also kill you (just like being too thin is unhealthy as well). If you can’t walk up a few flights of stairs without nearly having an asthma attack, something has got to change (and that goes for everyone–”big” or “small”).

But should you make those changes solely to find love?

I struggle with this all the time. While I’m currently reforming my health to be the best Britni I can be, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I’m also trying to drop a few pounds in the hopes that it will not only improve my health, but also increase my access to a wider selection of men.

But am I being superficial or smart? And should weight even matter?

What do you think…has your weight and/or body helped or hurt your chances to get boo’d up? 

Originally published on

  • leah

    I am in agreement with everything said and pondered that all i can say is amen. I have these SAME exact thoughts and experiences and I to wonder if shedding a few pounds would open up my dating pool. losing weight is a constant battle and the pressure of keeping it off to secure a relationship puts me right back at the drive through so Idk.”thick” and settle or thinner and emotional loose it….

  • Chick Please

    To answer your question: No.

    You should make those changes because you love yourself. Self love and self worth are at the root of making healthy decisions for yourself. The desire to be healthy should always be the motivating factor when it comes to taking care of your God given body. Doing anything for “a man” is twisted thinking. When we do things for superficial reasons we get artificial results.

    Black women and our weight is a touchy subject. Because we all know one if it isn’t ourselves. Yes. We sometimes come in thick packages, and have denser muscles but for the most part our community runs headfirst into the brick wall of denial when it comes to our diets, our weight and how we treat ourselves. Yes. You can love yourself and be fat but being grossly overweight isn’t optimal living. Monique, Star Jones, Jennifer Hudson can all attest to that.

    My guess is that it is simply difficult for many women to tell themselves the outright simple truth: Yes. I’m fat and I ate every calorie to get there. *ouch* It hard to accept that we’ve made bad choices and even harder to accept responsibility.

    As for attracting men I believe it has less to do with the exterior and more to do with your overall attitude and confidence; two things that can increase exponentially with exercise because exercise makes you FEEL good because you feel fit. And trust. A women who feels fit attracts men easy peasy.

    Fit in men’s minds = Stamina/Great in Bed

  • CaliDreaming86

    My weight is at the number it should be for someone my age and height, so no, I have no issues with getting a partner.

  • E.M.S.

    I think it depends on how much extra weight you’re carrying. Me, I know I could stand to lose another 15lbs, but I’m very health conscious. My last visit to the doctor I was healthy as a horse, and that’s good enough for me. My health, and my happiness. I don’t need to be skinny to have those.

    And never once in my life has anyone called me fat or told me I needed to lose weight to be beautiful, so I don’t stress about it. I also think more men are starting to see we’re not all going to be between and size zero and a size two (and some have never been interesting in girls that small), but we’re stil beautiful inside and out.

    My boyfriend is one of those guys. I’ve actually gotten two sizes smaller since we first got together, but I still have my days when I’m upset about my weight, and when that happens he’s upset too. He’s upset because he sees nothing wrong, and I shouldn’t either. He loves me just as a I am.

    If someone is unable to look past your size, they’re not right for you anyway. Love is about more than just how a person looks.

  • fuchsia

    Finding a man is just as good a reason as any to get started on the path to get down to a healthy weight. BUT it doesn’t guarantee that you will find a man just because you lost the weight. Building confidence and empowering yourself are the important side effects that will come with the weight loss and that is more attractive than a skinny girl who is constantly counting calories and worried about her appearance 24/7. I say go for it and in the middle of shedding the pounds you may realize that it was for yourself more than to get a man. Once working out becomes routine and you have developed healthy habits your focus changes a little and you just feel better overall.

  • AustralianGirl

    Even though I define myself as a heterosexual woman, I consider that models body is really sexy!
    Plenty of men would, too I’m sure….

  • Fa

    Everyone woman deserves to be healthy and in good shape. If this helps lead to love, great. But if it leads to greater self-love, then that is wonderful.

  • SAA

    You basically said everything I was thinking. I don’t think its so much about the weight as it is about how you carry yourself and that weight. Several fuller figured women I see do not know how to dress for their size and thats the turn off because no one wants to see you looking sloppy. I think that sometimes people use their weight as an excuse when it should be a motivator. I’m a size 4 and go to the gym not because I want to lose any weight but because after that workout sesh I feel great! Thats what it should be about. When you feel good you look good.

  • QON

    The woman in the photo could stand to trim a bit here and there. Her shape is great but the belly and arms have to go. Other than that I agree with you, she is quite sexy.

  • QON

    This woman suffers from what a lot of women suffer from: she has weight in places that she doesnt need it. Her bottom half is quite nice but her belly and her arms are what make her look fat. There are many women out there who have great bottoms, legs and faces but its the belly fat that makes a HUGE difference in how your body looks. Give that woman in the photo a smaller waist and a flatter stomach and you couldnt tell me or anyone else that she doesnt have a great body.

    She has a very pretty face too.

  • SAA

    Completely agree. Her face is really pretty but that muffin top/ pooch stomach she’s got going on is not a good look. Her arms aren’t too bad though they could use a bit of toning.

  • Perverted Alchemist

    I wish I could be as open to dating a full figured woman, but as a very tall guy with a rather slim build, I honestly can’t see myself with one of them. It’s not cute being with a large woman and we’re walking together looking like the number 10, LOL!!!!

  • Tami

    I don’t know if the reason I don’t have a man is because I can stand to lose 30 lbs. I feel very pretty & don’t think I look too bad, but I have decided that since I am getting older, it’s time to do something about the weight. In six weeks, I have dropped 8 lbs by starting an exercise program & watching what I’m eating. I do feel a lot better & I do hope that I will get a man….

  • jamesfrmphilly

    fruits, nuts, grains and vegetables…..

  • Pilot

    The model in tthe photo is fat, but not obese. She would actually be considered a normal weight by most black people – men and women. Almost any brother would hit that in a second. Let’s be honest about this.

    The problem in the black community, as the author alludes to, is that many, many black women who are, say, 5″5′ and 190 lbs. refer to themselves as “thick”, or “BBW’ or “plus-sized” or “big” or “a little heavy” or whatever other euphemism they prefer, and all the other black women nod their heads in agreement. The cold truth is that they’re fat. Period.

    I’ve overheard black women who were obese or even morbidly obese referred to by other black women as “being a few pounds overweight”. These are women who are 300 lbs. or more. I’m not kidding.

    This parallel universe in which women that are 50 pounds overweight are considered just right has succeeded in moving up what is considered a normal weight in the black community. Normal for most black women is considerably overweight for most other women.

    But the refusal to acknowledge this is holding black women back. As a middle-aged black man, it’s difficult for me to meet a lot of black women my age that are not either overweight or grossly overweight. I keep myself fit; I like a fit and trim woman, and don’t even start with the whole “beauty is inside” or “it doesn’t matter if you’re overweight, it’s how you carry yourself and how self-confident you are”. Those are lies people tell themselves to make themselves feel better about their extra weight.

    Many of the black men that feel like I do end up doing some level of dating out because of the scarcity of women that are normal weight. I don’t date out because I don’t like black women; I date out because I like regular-sized women, whether they’re black or white or whatever. I don’t date non-black women exclusively; in fact, I love black women. I just don’t like fat women, no matter what color they are.

    I’m sure this is going to make some women just howl with fury, but that’s the way it is.

    I apologize to be giving you so much truth all at once, but this is the way things really are, not the way they ought to be in the perfect alternate universe where looks don’t matter and everyone is loved for who they are inside.

  • Timcampi

    Eh, I adore Ruebenesque women. Not everyone was meant to have a flat tummy and trimmed arms. Some people are biologically made to be bigger. Weight shouldn’t matter, health should. You can totally be a healthy big chick.

    And I’ll say it again: A guy won’t care about your weight if you’re confident. Confidence is a sexy thing. If he does… why are you with him?

    Also to all those saying the model “could lose a little” she used to battle anorexia. So um, be more sensitive when you talk about weight. You don’t know a person’s history with it.

  • Timcampi

    Also this body policing is just kind of gross… if you like where you’re at I don’t see why you should change yourself to “get a man”. Getting a ‘good man’ is not as hard as people make it seem. Often times it won’t be your weight that’s holding you back… it’s probably your attitude.

  • OSHH

    SAA you and Fuschia hit it on the head. I’m a size 4/6 myself and I workout and stay pretty fit for myself primarily. I am also currently VERY single as in not even dating, because although I tend to attract all kinds, I haven’t came across anything suitable the tickles my fancy i.e. the RIGHT one.

  • OSHH

    Appreciate your honesty. I am not attracted to portly, pudgy, chubby, or obese men either. Haven’t gone outside the race per say though, I actually would prefer a black man.

  • twee

    I agree with you for the most part, but there are many black men who would even go beyond the size of this model, especially an overweight woman that has style personality etc. Just saw these guys falling over this girl yesterday, easily close to 300 but oddly proportionate for her size and she was pretty and well dressed. She can’t get every guy but she can pull more than this article would imply.

    And often times that can be the issue, yeah I’m this weight but I still look good and pull guys and all type of guys, the pool just isn’t as large as if she was fit.

  • TheBestAnonEver, Part 2

    I don’t know why anyone will hurl with fury at your comment. I like fit and tall nerds. I am now with a black guy, but I have not met a lot of black men that fit that combo (72% overweight or obese) so I have mostly dated non-black men. For me, the “forever” had to be someone of my culture so I am glad I found my perfect package (hehehe).

    I believe Black women are >=78% overweight, Hispanic (white) women are about 76% >=overweight, white (non-Hispanic) women 62% >=overweight, and Asian 45% >=overweight (?!) so the numbers don’t work in your favor.

  • ThisIshRightHere

    Funny. This phenomenon also works in reverse. I’m very into fitness now, but previously I was 50 or so pounds overweight. I always felt attractive, men (especially Black men) were very into me and I got lots of compliments. It’s true that I am tall, confident, pretty and stylish (not sure from the comments whether this makes a real difference), but was technically obese. For this reason, I didn’t feel any particular need to watch my weight. I gained and gained and never thought anything of it. Now that I’m more fit, I notice that the brothers who previously showed interest are even more attracted to me. But I can’t say that I’ve been garnering more-than-usual interest generally.

    I can say this, now that my look is more “mainstream” and I can be fairly assured when I go out that the majority of men will notice me and not just those who have a thick jawn fetish.

  • Trini


    Glad Im not the only heterosexual female that felt that way! LOL!!

    For centuries that particular womans body type was the picture of beauty. Only in the last few decades has it somehow been replaced with a size 0. I dont get it!

  • Freebee33

    “Often times it won’t be your weight that’s holding you back… it’s probably your attitude.”

    @Timcampi, you are so right, confidence is key.

  • Jas

    It’s possible for self love to extent to weight loss for dating or motives outside of yourself. If you love yourself and feel that certain aspects of your life are lacking and a physical change is needed in order for you to achieve your goal, love yourself and go for it. More importantly, I think we need to rethink how we value ourselves as women. You can love yourself at any size, but how you perceive your value is often manifested physically.

    Some women may not like to hear it, but the fact is, the closer you are to a healthy weight , the more options you have. I’ve read several other blogs, including, that also noted the trend. I’ve shed over 50lbs and the dudes in the office who would casually say hello for the past 2 years that I’ve been here, are now a lot more flirtier, and that’s been the trend amongst my friends who’ve adopted a healthier lifestyle. Since we are the most obese race in this country, it’s really important for us to have honest conversations about weight and its effects on our physical, mental, and even dating lives.

  • Trini

    Ive been a size 2 and Ive also been a size 12. Ive had long hair and Ive had short hair. Went thru a phase where I ALWAYS looked extra fly no matter where I was going. I also went thru a phase where I could care less. I saw NO difference!

    Plus weve all seen couples that make you scratch your head like, “How did he get THAT?” or vice versa. Bottom line: there are no guarantees! Be healthy. Be happy! Theres not much else any of us can do.

  • Echo

    OK, so, that model is FIERCE! Her body looks like mine (only she’s perhaps a little more airbrushed, ha ha). But she’s beautiful. I’m a “thick” girl, and get hit on and approached quite a bit. Most of the time it doesn’t lead to a love connection, but I don’t think that is exclusively because of my size. I’ve never been petite, and never will be (genetics and whatnot). But I am committed to being healthy, so I try to watch what I eat and I have finally begun working out regularly. When I was in my late teens and 20s I, too, struggled with the “should I lose weight to get a boyfriend” issue, but with maturity came insight and I decided that, man or no man, I want to live to at least 100 so I have to take better care of myself. I love my curves, I rock them well, I slay dragons and leave them crying for mercy. Ultimately, regardless of our size, when we take care of ourselves we radiate. And it is that radiance that draws men to our honey… :)

  • African Mami

    Weight is important whether we like to admit it or not. I ain’t going to lie, but there was this dude I met over the summer, great personality, humor you name it! But lawwwwwd have mercy, his Rick Rozay tits, Somalian hips and American pancake (crepes are much flatter)butt were competing with mine. To be brutally honest, the gym would have salvaged the little chemistry that seemed to be there…..

  • Alexandra

    I also think the woman in the photo is hot. And no, weight has never been an issue for me, height was. I used to think my height was a hindrance. However, that wasn’t much of an issue either, it was my own insecurity. Unlike weight, i cant help being tall. I think men in general, whatever nationality/race/ethnicity prefer women who are physically fit and are at a healthy weight. But as Trini mentioned, that doesn’t mean there aren’t men that wouldn’t adore you just the way you are. You should lose weight for you and your health first, everything else second.

    I do find myself annoyed when people desire in others, what they don’t have themselves; just a minor pet peeve.

  • Alexandra

    Great comment, but I like the fat model :-)
    Glad you found a solution to your frustration,

  • Chica

    LOL! African Mami where you at?

  • African Mami

    @ Chica,

    I’m right hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! I agree with him 100%. add some goat meat in thurrr and we are good to go!

  • LurkerG

    Weight hasn’t been the issue with me. I could fix alla dis, surgery, lightening, nip, tuck, everything… I could attract more if I fixed more on the outside, but it’s the inside that has to come first.

  • jamesfrmphilly

    no body wants a women who smells like a goat……

  • jamesfrmphilly

    i lost 25 lbs in the past six months.
    i eliminated all sodas and fruit juices due to diabetes.
    i drink only water and tea. that one change will drop fat off many people.
    stop the sweet sugary drinks. if you do drink a soda make sure it is over ice.
    coke is meant to be served over ice. it is too sweet to drink straight.

  • jamesfrmphilly

    i know two sisters who live together in a house. one sister has a car and drives every where. the other sister has no car and walks everywhere. the sister who walks is slim and fit.

  • see

    Obese women who demand that their men have great bodies are living in a fantasy world. 300 pound women who want men who look like Boris or Idris are destined to be alone.

  • Jinx Moneypenny

    It can if you’re not comfortable with where you’re at. There are hints my body drops when I’ve gained too much, like my thighs rubbing together, and that sets me straight immediately because of how uncomfortable it feels.

    Despite that, I’ve never had an issue, even on my worst days, with not getting approached by men. Honestly your inner self will always have more to do with that than anything else; you carry yourself securely, a man observing you long enough will be attracted and intrigued and make his way over.

  • CurlySue

    Who is this model? I know it’s not Crystal Renn. She’s absolutely stunning. Inside I feel torn. I know that society dictates I find her body repugnant, but the instinctual part of me is fascinated and completely attracted to that body. And I’m a straight woman!

  • CurlySue

    Hmmm, I guess it is Crystal Renn. Damn. She looks more like a 14 than a 12 here though, I’d say.

  • Jen

    I actually find the model extremely attractive and I’m a hetero woman as well. I find something very sensual about shapely and soft women. But I’m uncomfortable with my current weight even though I’m not overweight.

  • Jen

    @African Mami is not giving up her goat meat for any man.

  • shug avery

    i’m in the 200 pound club and in my adult life i’ve been approached by all types of men, big, stocky, lean and muscular, and whatever body type you can imagine in your mind. while in high school i knew for a fact that i didn’t get approached as frequently because it’s not acceptable for any half decent looking men to be checking for the big gal. sometimes when i’m walking down the street knowing i’m looking like a delicious glass of sweet tea with extra lemon i wonder how many men don’t step because of my weight but i can’t worry my pretty little nerves with such cowardly mentalities, you either are interested enough to approach me or not, i don’t have to step out of my house and shout to the world, “although i may be fat i am very healthy and i like long walks on the beach and lying around naked with the one i love so eat your hearts out boys!” besides, fat is not an insult, it’s an adjective. something i read years ago and keep in my heart is a quote by tigress osborn, “Fat people who love themselves scare the shit out of people who don’t love themselves. Even fat people who are TRYING to love themselves scare the shit out of people who can’t do the same. We force people to have to look at why they hate their bodies because we are “supposed” to hate ours and we don’t. And sometimes they have no idea what to do with that, so they act like assholes.”

  • http://@clnmike Clnmike

    “But should you make those changes solely to find love?”

    No they should lose it if it makes them happy and healthy to do so. Anyone else should love you for you.

  • Nola

    You have put into words exactly how I’ve felt for years.

  • jamesfrmphilly

    no female should weigh 200 pounds……

  • Reality Check

    @ Pilot

    that’s funny,
    most nonblack women I see with black men are usually overweight.


  • Pe.Riche.

    The model pictured above is Tara Lynn.

  • CurlySue

    Thanks! I was burnin Google images up!

  • Vyvian

    “looking like a delicious glass of sweet tea with extra lemon” yesssssss.

    All of this fat-shaming is gross. I’m neither a woman or a person of size, (my sister got all the fat and I got all the skinny, but we both got buckets of pretty in equal portions) but if someone isn’t attracted to you, then they can bugger off. You have to love yourself first and foremost, and part of loving yourself is loving your body. If there’s a cute boy who’d fat shame you or find a skinnier you prettier, then he’s not really worth your time imho.

    Weight doesn’t matter, there’s health at every size, AND if you want to do anything to your body (including losing/gaining weight) then do it. But you don’t need to do it to be prettier. You’re gorgeous as is. Ignore the haters and do your best not to let them get to you.

    Also also: That model UNF.

  • Deech

    …i’m a straight chick too, but i wanna just hug her and get lost in all that plush…

  • Deech

    …and no man should be talking about what she should and shouldn’t be neither, James….

    …lord knows it never stopped ya’ll males from hittin’ it….

  • feri

    Most people can agree that an hourglass figure is ideal, but very few women naturally have big hips and boobs and a perfectly flat stomach. Many women in order to gain (or maintain) those things put weight on in their stomach and arms as well…its a trade off.

    So whats better a chubby woman with a “phat” ass but also a belly or a slim woman without much of an ass at all..?. Most White women would probably choose to be skinny with no ass….and with Black women it seems many would rather have ass and put on a little weight. I actually know multiple people who are actively trying to gain weight.

    In the Black community an “ass” is worth being overweight because it is so prized. The media messages are conflicting…do we like fit women or do we like ass? Most women are not shaped like (insert video vixen here). And do men even really know what they want…?

  • Candy1

    I don’t touch soda, either. Other than one cup on Thanksgiving, I haven’t touched it in a year. I don’t even drink juice unless it is from my juicer. I don’t miss it, either.

  • African Mami

    @ j-philly,

    I have suitors all the way from the ILLY PHILLY to Africa….sooooo give me a break e-boo!


    Ma, you already know!!! I love me some roasted goat, fried goat, just anything goat! j-philly, if I stir fry some goat for you with rice and veggies on the side, you gon eat and propose to me in the same sitting!

  • grace

    It’s so hard to cut it out though! I’m a caffeine addict, I know.

  • Guulo

    She does not look fat to me (the picture). She looks great! I do think beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Jill Scott would probably be classfified as a “big girl”, but she is very beautiful, more beautiful then most of the skinny models. Features are what is beautiful. I think it’s nice to be honest with ourselves like you have. Do it for your health, do it to make yourself look fablous. What makes you happy.

    I am a Somali and I know culturally (perhaps true for greater africa too), being on the thicker end was seen as beautiful, now a days especially with the younger generation its all about being fit, trim, etc, as the American culture has greatly influenced what is now found beautiful. It’s interesting.

  • kim

    yall cant find a pic of a neekid black lady on a blk site

  • Sindy

    There are also many women over 6ft tall who wear a 10/12 dress size who are very close to 200 lbs and don’t look it.

  • AustralianGirl

    We should start a ‘B*curious Clutchettes Club’, lol ( read all the comments, plenty of other women feel the same).

    -Honestly, this models figure makes me wonder how heterosexual I really am!

    Anyway, I’ll shut up now, before I embarass myself any further.

  • Erica

    Yes James, that soda, people need to let that go. That’s how my weight lost began. Five years ago I stopped drinking that stuff and immediately I started losing the pounds. Went from a size 14 to a 8. And I’m still at size 8 to this day. Plus I give up alot of white foods also, like rice, bread etc. I didnt hit no gym or running around some track. So People please give up that Soda Pop!

  • jamesfrmphilly

    i suffered two heart attacks. almost died.
    what i learned is that the meat that you eat will kill you. might be karma.
    fruits, nuts, grains and vegetables.

  • damidwif

    did you eliminate your diabetes via your dietary changes? i know so many people who only drink sodas and sweet juices and iced tea. it is so hard to convince them that that is why they have the accumulating belly fat and health issues.

  • damidwif

    when i became a northerner, i assumed that everyone would be walking around because of how cities are built. i found that i was in the absolute minority and found that able bodied people hopped on and off the bus or train to travel less than 1 mile.

  • damidwif

    200# and over 6ft is soooo on another level.

  • Tami

    I had the same thought. Although the model is beautiful, I said to myself ‘why is this pretty white woman laying here instead of a black model….Oh well.

  • jamesfrmphilly

    most of it……

  • CurlySue

    @Australian Girl, that’s no joke! I looked her up last night. She was featured in a spread in French Elle Magazine. She looked absolutely fantastic!! But some of the comments on the article online were nasty. Calling her obese? ‘Scuse me??? In what universe is she obese? Personally, I can’t stop staring at this picture.

    Most guys (even those who talk trash about her size) would hit that in .5 seconds. Most wouldn’t know what to do with that body though.

  • Jared C. Wood

    The point I gathered from this article wasn’t necessarily “I’m fat and, thusly, men don’t find me attractive”. I think the main idea is that the men she is interested in (fit, gym-going men) don’t find her zaftig shape attractive. Any woman can get a man, but what kind of man are you getting? You will rarely see a muscular, fit man with an overweight woman. And I do agree with many of the commenters who find the model sensual and lovely, but she is airbrushed to death and is probably over 5′ 9”–that is not the situation most of us find ourselves in everyday. People need to stay in their lane (and often do,anyway), looks-wise, when it comes to dating and mating.

  • nicoleisthenewblack

    Plus has always been in front of my size as well :) I have never dated an overweight man, not because I eliminate them from my dating pool but I find overweight men to be the most critical when it comes to bigger woman. The most vocal clowns regarding weight are the dudes trying to squeeze into a smedium, or a dude with a fat mom. It’s like a recipe for fat bashers or something. I am happily in a relationship but before then I was never too fussed with who crossed me off their dance card cause I wasn’t thin. My decisions to lose weight or focus more on my health have never been triggered by outside motivators like the odds of finding a mate. If and when I change my lifestyle I will do it for myself and for my overall health.

  • nicoleisthenewblack

    there is a great study, which i cant find right now, of people showing their weight and height to help showcase that most people have no idea what 200lbs or 300 lbs looks like. people’s bodies are composed so differently and height and muscle mass play an important role. putting a number on beauty or attractiveness is sily-pants in toddler town.

  • Deonina

    I’ve lost eighty pounds, and I’m still overweight. When i tell most people my weight they shake their head in disbelief. I am 5 7 and weigh 217. My husband loves the way I look, but I can’t help but not believe him. I know that he appreciates athleticism, and he is an island man with a swimmer’s body. Even the dancehall music we dance to praises fit women. I go the gym, but I got a sweet tooth that could make most people run for their money. I’ve learned that self-worth is a relational thing. Because of my religious beliefs and my husband I know that I am worthy to be loved- unconditionally. The reality is for me that I do let others define my worth. What is most important is who you choose to define your worth. For me, it’s my God. Anyhow, back to earth. I’m still working on being more healthy, but I don’t wrap my love in my looks. If anybody else wants to wrap their love for me in my looks that’s fine. But to taste what I got going on, you’ve got to do just that-taste.

  • Timcampi


    “And I do agree with many of the commenters who find the model sensual and lovely, but she is airbrushed to death and is probably over 5′ 9”–that is not the situation most of us find ourselves in everyday.”

    Fair enough but ‘most’ conventional ideas of attractive– aka skinny, ‘fit’, and ‘healthy’– have been airbrushed to death as well. The notion that healthy equals slim is one example. The notion that in order to catch a ‘suitable mate’ a woman/man must become slim is another. This is not how life works… a relationship is not sustained with aesthetics, it is maintained with personality and character. Let’s face it… we’re not all going to be slim mistresses of the night forever. Why would you ever go for the man who puts your weight at the forefront? Why would you go for the man who puts your shape before your personality? And finally, why would you change your weight SIMPLY to ‘gain attractiveness’ when you should be doing it to be healthy?

    Also many of us Americans– and even Brittons– are overweight, so I’d say the dating pool is pretty large for women and men who fall into the larger categories. I fluctuate between a size 2 and 4 and my dating pool has not been affected by whether I have a little pooch or not. In fact… guys tend to think I’m too skinny besides my huge arse.

  • nini

    its interesting because all i’ve heard black men talk about is wanting a women with some “meat on her bones” or thick or full figured. i’m a thick and curvy female and men have encourage me NOT to lose weight. now, health is another issue. you should exercise and eat right not matter what your shape. you should strive to have your body work as optimally as possible. i don’t think men are attracted to “fat” women just like your not attracted to “fat” men. i feel most men are looking for women “big girls” who are fit! I don’t agree with Demetria Lucas – -being “concerned with your health and personal appearance” does not equal “hope she’s not fat”.

  • shug avery

    i must say, as a big gal i don’t understand when people say big women don’t like big men. well, i can’t speak for all but as for me i love thick men but i don’t discriminate, you can be lean, you can be chunky, it doesn’t matter as long as there’s chemistry between us. i also don’t understand when people say fat women shouldn’t want “fit” men. a.) i’d like to know your definition of fit because an image of D’Angelo circa 1999 is not the only kind of fit b.) that’s dumb, i can be attracted to whomever i please, a combination of rolls and abs never hurt me.

    and for @jamesfrmphilly

    i wasn’t offended by your “no female should weight 200 pounds…” that’s your perogative however i was offended by the use of “female”…shit just rubs me the wrong way.

    anyhoo carry on.

  • Prissyesq

    First let me say that no one man will like every type of woman. Secondly, I don’t think this article is meant to address “thick” women. A little extra meat on your bones is a good thing. However, when you border on obesity, many men may not find you attractive.

    What is on the inside is what matters, however, men are visual creatures and just like women, they too want someone who is aesthetically pleasing to them. I honestly don’t think there is anything wrong with doing “reasonable things” to be attractive to others. I style my hair, wear a nice outfit, etc. because I know that men will be attracted to me looking “nice”. They always say, make sure you keep yourself up etc. That’s because how you look does matter to some extent. I believe being a healthy (not necessarily skinny) weight is a part of keeping yourself up.

    If you decide to stay plus size, just realize that because of the preference of a lot of men, your dating pool may be smaller. If you are willing to deal with that, then by all means you don’t have to change. I do believe that there is someone for everyone.

  • A Modest Proposal

    It’s Somali, not Somalian and I don’t think we are known for having wide hips, I think that is more of a West African thing.

  • D-Chubb

    If we really want to talk about “health”, when are we going to start putting this kind of pressure on people who smoke? They deserve it too.

  • Insight

    Ok so here’s the deal about weight.

    It’s not the skinniness that matters. It’s being healthy and confident (without be an obnoxious ____)

    I just moved to LA almost a year ago, and it was completely different than Boston. I don’t see fat people around here (where I work anyway), but I would not call them healthy either. I have seen so many MORE (white) women with eating disorders in LA then I have seen on reality tv. One of my co-workers eats one frozen yogurt for lunch a day (she brings a whole bag of it at the beginning of the week). Her clothes look like they are being hung on a hanger and her hair is very brittle. This goes for most of the “skinny” women in Hollywood.

    However I do think that we as black women have the leg up in this situation. We age slower and we do not wrinkle as much, and we still look glorious without make-up on. I work with black women in their 50’s (I’m 24) and they still wake up to do their 3 mile run in the morning (I can’t even think about running in the morning). That’s when I realized I do not have an excuse.

    I do think that there is a solution to women having weight issues, and you are not going to get it from this website. You have to see what you are eating on a daily basis and change your diet and introduce some form of exercise (you will see a difference cutting soda out of your diet, but you’ll see a bigger difference if you also take that hip hop class offered once a week and start adding broccoli to your dinner). (I know it sounds easy, but its hard as hell to reverse out of a burger king parking lot once you’re almost in the drive thru…I did that yesterday…and it felt good).

    When I thought I was fat (I really wasn’t, but boarding with a bunch of white girls will do that to you), I had a low self esteem, and was incredibly shy (I went to a high-school where I was 1 of 3 black girls). When I realized that a little jogging/ walking here, a salad there (instead of my mom’s fried chicken) and all of a sudden, my clothes fit better and I was more confident.

    Not that its matters, but now I get hit on constantly (I did not have one boyfriend throughout high school), but that’s only because I know myself worth, and I try to show that in my appearance as well. I have been dating the same guy for 5 years now and even though he is not at my ideal weight I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

    Trust me it sucks working out the first week, but soon you’ll realize you don’t feel relaxed or complete until you have done your exercise. And don’t worry about men, they’ll come later.

  • Candy

    I too have struggled to get out of the 200+ club. I’ve grown up w/ the “your so pretty, if only you lose the weight”. I so relate to the chubby girl not dating the chubbing men…I have the nerve to even roll my eyes if they approach me, I may not have gotten every man I’ve wanted but I’ve dated enough of them and all diffrent types of men to know that men do like all different types of women, alas I would like to have a bigger pool to fish in though. So I sit in my Weight Watchers meeting every week thinking when will I ever get to leave the 200+ club and knowing this is about my health (diabetes is something I dont’ want to deal with)…..I know deep down inside I’m hoping shedding the weight brings new love…..

  • Insight

    @ shug– Go head girl!! Preach!!
    @ James– …your bugging…and will probably be alone forever with that attitude.

  • Porcia

    I swear reading this I thought, did she read my journal, lol. I feel myself having this same problem! On one hand I feel like they should like me regardless of the weight, but I have the same double standard. You know what how could losing a few pounds hurt??? I’m gonna see what happens and see what I can find out there.

  • Servant2All

    I like thick women. You are only being hypocritical if you don’t entertain suitors in the same physical shape that you are in. The Rick Ross tit thing, I can understand. But if you want a “hard body” you likely will need one yourself. I’m certain that, in your perusal of “girlie advice” materials like the book mentioned you’ve heard the expression, “You gotta BE the thing that you SEEK”. I know that thought is quite prevalent in “law of attraction” materials. If it isn’t in the female advice materials, it should be. IJS…

  • Quit It

    Stop deflecting!

  • chanela

    YES! i only drink water now. ever since i stopped drinking soda months ago, whenever i DO decide to have a sip it absolutely disgusts me. it tastes like the pancake syrup thick sugary mess that it is. i cant anymore! only water for me : )

  • chanela

    omg i thought i was the only one!!!!! when i gain weight i notice that my thighs also start rubbing together (WORST FEELING EVER! i dont know how big girls can deal with the friction all offense), my face gets bigger,i get MAJOR backfat. i refuse to wear a shirt without a sweater cause i don’t wanna advertise my rolls.

    people say that i overreact and they say “but you’re not fat!”. i may not be 200lbs or anything but going from 120lbs to 16 <–my current weight it a big difference. i dont look TOO different, but i am definitely not used to things rubbing together that didnt before. it irritates the hell out of me and makes me cry. such an uncomfortable feeling. as i type this its freaking my out that i feel the fat from under my armpits touching my arm, i feel the bottom of my thigh glooping onto my leg. it just feels so horrid!

    maybe i DO obsess over it a bit? i know the last two boyfriend's ive had complain that i obsess over my weight too much but its hard when your man is staring as victoria's secret models and sofia vergara. its hard to NOT feel insecure and feel like you have to look a certain way.

    plus extra weight doesnt look good on some people. its just sloppy looking. i'm one of those people unfortuantely. kudos to the bigger chicks who can rock what they got and not worry about wanting to lose weight to be attractive. i've seen plus sized women look WAYYY better and more put together than skinny chicks

  • dantresomi

    You should make the changes because YOU want to.

    Let me say this: meeting the “right one” is a numbers game. You are going to meet men who want to have sex, some who want a relationship, and some who want to put a ring on it. Some men like big girls, some men don’t. Plain and simple. Don’t settle for nonsense. At the end of the day, it’s about the guy who treats you like you should be treated: royalty.

    Everything else is just stuff we allow society to dictate to us. I know plenty of plus size women who are happily married to great, loving and handsome men.

    I know my wife is.

  • Nikki

    sad but perhaps true. I used to be a hardcore gym bunny and lost over 50lbs that i had be holding on to most of my teen years. at the point (even more so than usual) guys we interested. this was a clear distinction because I am referring to mostly to black men that I had known for years or met previously. suddenly I had captured their interest. only i didnt want it. during this time i started dating for the first time. I soon found myself married and 3 years later I am happy but due to lifestyle changes the weight is back and then some. of course i want to get back on track for health purposes but i cringe at the comments “thank God you found a husband before you found those lbs you lost?”

  • Gina

    You should absolutely do it. I am I used to be a size 7. Now I am a 12-14. I was weighting 207 on july 4. I Now weight 187. I am doing it mostly to get married to a guy I am attracted to and of course for my health. Plus I want to wear a bikini come this summer. I want to lose 50 more pounds. You should do what your heart desires. If you want that attractive man, you have to do what you have to do. I hope more black women realize this.

  • Mannie

    Absolutely agree with Jared C. Wood.

    Idris Alba is going to try to find his “Idris Alba” if not better.

    I can’t remember where I found this article but you can only marry what you aspire to be. If you want to have a thin/muscular guy who has money, you must also be thin/muscular with money. Nobody wants to marry down: they want something like them or better.

    Birds of a common feather flock together…

  • Nae

    Great read! I just visited the doctors office a few weeks ago and I weighed in a 196lbs!!!!! Needless to say I was in complete shock. The first thing the doctor said to me was “what are we gonna do about your weight” ? I almost cried..
    First off I don’t look it at all!! I could use a few months of strength training, portion control and Ill be good but I still will be at 170-180 range once I tighten up.

    Now also my doctor told me not to be soo pressed to loose too much weight because of genetics ( being of African descent). This is the first time a doc has said that to me.Most of the push that BMI bull crap. ( it makes no sense).
    I’m really starting to consider getting my muscle mass measured as well because I dont have much excess fat. Maybe its my body build or frame.

    Now as far as relationships, I have been as small as 135 ( low body fat and low muscle mass) when I was in a long term relationship at 17 yrs old my boyfriend told me to gain weight because I wasn’t as curvy as when I met him. ( I was under alot of stress with him and my weight dropped like crazy).

    Haven’t been in a relationship since then ( Im now 23) but I have no problem attracting men and being asked out on dates. However my confidence is in limbo alot because I AM body conscious about what I should look like.

    I have yet to find a happy medium, but I wont stop searching…….neither should you!!!

  • Guess

    I have so many friends who are overweight. We are in our 30s and I am the only one who is married. They all want to be married; they all have men, but never have long term relationships and I do think that their weight has something to do with it.
    With that being said, they are all fun, bubbly and display confidence, but deep down they hate their weight. And constantly complain about not being able to drop pounds. These are also women who eat out EVERYDAY. Big meals, huge portions.
    I also think that their weight hides their beauty.
    The question is, “But should you make those changes solely to find love?” Yes, they should. The are secretly miserable and personally, I believe that their weight is preventing them from dating the “right” men.
    On the other hand, I am skinny and I also heard a similar phrase from BM, “You are so pretty, just no butt.” Luckily, my husband likes small butts (but he is white).
    Also, too many women confuse men stating that they like women with meet on their bones with fat. I dont think many men prefer fat.

  • Kaydee-P

    Not necessarily, but it’s not like this article is helping.

    I agree- you can’t really expect to be pulling gym raps if you’re not one yourself. Yet that somehow doesn’t apply as much to men seeking women. Hey there, double standard.

    Being fat is not a surefire sign of unhealthiness. Smoking is, however.

    I know its a thin line between being honest, dishing out much needed constructive criticism and penning the same old memes to women who need a new perspective that actually take them into consideration, but this piece is stomping all over the “Change this this this about you, wretched black woman, and get a man!” side.

    If you your healthy, does your weight hold you back? Maybe, but I’m willing to bet that all those preconceived notions about your weight hold you back even more.

  • whilome

    Are we twins? Same story over here, including the weight gain and subsequent comments. I know they are cringe-worthy, but you must concede that there is some truth to them.

    I wouldn’t have found my husband had I not been in the headspace and physically ideal place I was when I was a gymrat. Being fit was a huge part of my life and aided my self-esteem. You couldn’t tell me nuthin’ when I was finally slender. And that is who my man fell in love with. Thankfully, my 40 pound weight gain took years, so he didn’t feel like I pulled a “bait and switch,” but we both know I ain’t acting (or looking) like I used to.
    So, the day after Thanksgiving (not “after the holidays”, NO.) I got my but back to the gym and changed my eating. It’s been a little over a week and I’m 8 lbs. down. I ain’t playing. No excuses.
    And I ain’t trying to keep my man with this. I want to keep myself.

  • Annaleisha

    Great points Kaydee!

  • Frenchy83

    I could not agree with you more. I am 28 year old black female, in a relationship with a 31 year old black man and I know that he’d rather have curvy woman than not. We’ve been together for 13 years now, through 2 babies and subsequent weight fluctuations on my part and his. But it blows my mind how he constantly says he would lose his mind if I “lost” my butt. He is THE quintessiential black man who loves a big butt.

    It’s funny though because when I started losing weight, and was losing a little bit back there he couldn’t keep his hands off of my entire body. But was quick to say that I was losing too much in my thighs/butt. I’ve put a little of that weight back on (belly included unfortunately) and now it’s all about my butt and nothing else, the rest of me gets no love at all! Lol.

    It had me confused for a while but I figured at the end of the day, yes, I think black men want a little meat in the right places but still overall want a firm toned body. But… if there’s a woman who’s overweight leaving her with an exaggerated backside, they will be okay honing in on just that one outstanding body part, although I don’t think that’s the winning preference of not only black men but men in general.

    And to flip the situation I don’t think I’d want the flabby guy who’s “packin’ down there” over the guy who’s pretty fit and is not “humungous” but knows how to get the job done. Only reason being with the former is for that one area and while that may or may not be fun, (ouch), it would get old fast.

    My opinion, total package/fit trumps mammoth ass and tits.

  • Double Six

    I’ve known some women that I thought were very pretty or cute but were just too damned big. If they lost the weight the I probably would have approached them but for most it didn’t happen. It really comes down to a question of health and h/w proportion.

    Have I had sex with big women as a jump off, yep, but in terms of long term dating I’ve only ever done it once, otherwise the women had bodies that suited them. Some were skinny some were big but what they had worked for them.

    So yes, you can be too big to attract some men, and deflections, straw man, arguments, personal attacks on men, etc. don’t work in the long term in terms of what they like don’t work because men do the approaching. Calling yourself a BBW just because you’re overweight doesn’t make it so no matter how much energy is used as a group to get men to change what they like or in trying to get a specific man to like you.

    As an aside, the smoking deflection that was used earlier in the comments is a terrible example as issues regarding overweight and obese people cause more health issues than smokers.

  • Sanne

    That’s cleared my thoughts. Thanks for conrtbiuting.

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  • Winona Ayala

    I think that people shouldn’t really force themselves to lose weight just to increase their chances of having a life life. This is because nowadays, many women like big guys and there are also several men who love big women. So, don’t change because if he really loves you, he will accept you as you are.

  • women like big guys

    There’s no such problem in being big indeed, its really up for the person how to make himself/herself beautiful whatever body-built you might have. There are many instances though that girls like big men, and who knows it might be vice versa too.

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