Jealous Ones Do Envy
I know a woman. She’s twenty-something, successful, educated, driven, caring, positive, beautiful and jealous. So jealous it makes her look ugly sometimes. This woman is not jealous of material things; she makes more than enough to buy at least some of the things her heart’s expensive taste desires. So what is she jealous of you ask? I’ll tell you – L.O.V.E. Yup, this otherwise successful woman is jealous of love. Every time one of her friends or family members gets engaged, pregnant, has a date night, receives a sweet text or gift or just plain looks content in their relationship, that ugly little monster rears its head. And she doesn’t even know that she’s jealous. I’ve heard her cry over a man that was clearly not for her, finding love. I’ve listened to her ramble on and on trying to convince herself (she thought she was convincing me) that she was genuinely happy for family and friends who announced engagements. I listened to her preach the teachings of Steve Harvey and declare that his words were going to help her find the love of her life. I personally have even tasted the light salt she threw my way every time I would tell her I had a good date night. It’s to the point where as the days and months pass that she is without the type of love she seeks, she comes across more like the stereotypical angry black woman, than the amazing woman she really is.
I along with a few friends have tried to throw in our two cents on how she can get some good loving, but she always brushes the advice off or modifies it so it fits the same old routine she’s used to. Even when she was dating someone and discussed with us some issues he brought up to her about their situation, our crew gave her tons of ideas on how to handle them in a way that would work for both of them. No dice. Now I won’t ever claim to be an expert on relationships; Lord knows I’ve had my share of hot mess relationships and situations…trust me. However, there are solutions for almost every problem and if you’re going to sit around secretly (or not so secretly in her case. She thinks we don’t notice…but umm, yea) jealous, sad and bitter about not having your own slice of the happiness pie, shouldn’t you at least be open to the positive advice of your friends?
Recently I’ve started cutting back on talking to her about my dating life because when I’m happy I want to share it with people that are genuinely happy for me. If something good happens, why shouldn’t I be able to share it with someone who is supposed to be a friend? It’s almost kind of sad in a way to not be able to talk to her about this new and exciting part of my life, but negativity breeds negativity and I refuse to let any of that mess into my world.
Do any of you have jealous friends and if so, how do you deal with it? Is it even possible to have a true friendship with someone you can’t share important parts of your life with?
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Hell no. What kind of friendship is that?! That sounds like a burden tell her Jesus died on the cross and she don’t need to be carrying that burden of jeolousy no more. Tell her to take it to Calvary.
I agree. When I was reading this I was thinking “who in the hell has a friend like this”??? Why would anyone want to be around such negativity? I work with someone who has a nice home, a husband who makes six figures and finally got pregnant after 10 years of trying to conceive. But she will start her Negative Nelly routine at anyone else who seems happy. I avoid her like the plague! If you have everything you want or need in life, why hate on other people who are happy too?
holllllllld up….her hubby is bringing in 6 figures?! I know finances ain’t everything, but cottamn! Somebody please tell me why I wouldn’t go in for plastic surgery for a permanent smile on ma face?! Like forrizy rizzy?!
@Mimi, I find it relatively hard for one to determine whether or not another person has everything they need and/or want in life. It seems that you are judging her happiness on what would make you happy. Furthermore, I find that inquiring about why someone would ‘hate’ someone else for being happy is a bit contrived.
We live in such a world where people mask who they are and what they feel really to keep the peace with those who ignore complex human emotions and strictly believe that something is either this or that.
All I am saying is that based on what was written and as someone who is introspective, it seems to me that there may be much more going on in your coworkers live than what you may ever know.
@ Cali…
But I’m not responsible for their drama. Shoot, they don’t know what’s going on in MY life, and I’m not taking my issues to their desk.
@Cali-I am not judging her based on what would make me happy as I do not want children. Usually society in general and a lot of women say that happiness is having someone to share your life with, a successful or fulfilling career and children. I said that she has everything she needs and wants because she will tell you that in a heartbeat. But nonetheless, she is still very negative and jealous towards anyone who she thinks is happy or might have more than her. But whatever, it doesn’t matter because like I said, I stay the heck away from her at all costs.
I am blessed and happy to say that I do not have jealous friends so I couldn’t offer advice about that. What I have experienced are jealous (sometimes I think the better word for it is ‘bitter’) coworkers/ friends-of-friends but since I don’t really get down with them like that, I just ignore/ drift away from the conversation mentally. Oh- changing the topic of the conversation always works. I don’t think its possible to have a true friendship with someone who behaves that way nor would I even want a friendship with someone like that.
@ SAA,
I sho do know watchutallkinbout…jeolous/bitter co-workers….IGNORING them worked wonders…..yes!! PREACH SAA
Nope, a “friend” has one time to show any type of shadiness, including jealousy, and I’m gone. I’m too old for that mess.
“I’m too old for that mess.”
Girl I say that all the time!! Its a shame when people who are definitely old enough to know better get all caught up in junior high nonsense with people who are supposed to be their friends.
What bothers me the most about those types of so-called friends is that you never know when they might turn around and stab you in the back. Sadly Im speaking from experience, numerous experiences. So needless to say, for me, loyalty is of UTMOST importance in a friendship. If anything threatens that…DUECES! Besides, once trust is broken its near impossible to earn it back. And if I cant trust you, I sho nuf dont need you!
i know im reaching but wasnt toni jealous of joan on girlfriends? i never understood that relationship. anyway jealousy hurts ive been on both sides of it. when i was jealous of a friend, i felt so guilty. i had to leave the situation for awhile and analyze myself. i am now able to be there for her cause i got my feelings in order.
@African Mami…LOL!
I don’t have any friends, only acquaintances, so jealousy has never been an issue. If someone were ever jealous of me I would probably laugh in shock.
I don’t believe it is possible to have a true friendship with someone you cannot share important parts of your life with. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t have any friends. I too have ‘drifted away’ from people and it’s usually not difficult to do. I could be partly to blame for not doing more, but at the same time I just cannot deal with people who show you their ‘ugly side’ so early on, or when telling them something deeply personal they don’t have a response or they respond by not sharing anything personal with you and change the subject. These people seem to be more in agreement with shallow friendships, not genuine ones.
Um…where do you live? Can we be friends?
Lol!
*feelscreepyafterasking*
I live in MD.
Definitely planning to be in that area for grad school! I hope we meet if everything works out:-)
Well, this is right on time for me. I’ve literally had to end several friendships (6+, 7+, 11+) over their jealousy issues in the past few months. Whether it was over jealousy of my boyfriend, my hair type, or my weight loss, I had to let some folks go! I’m moving forward. If you can’t be happy for me when things are going right in my life, I DANG sure don’t trust you to be around if things go wrong, or if there is any type of setback, because that means that your support is only conditional on me doing worse than you, or if I am not considered threatening. I’m in my late 20′s, and I can say for absolutely certain, women got way crazier after 25 if they weren’t in a serious relationship and saw other women getting married. It was like seeing some “true” colors.
Last year I had to let go of a male friend that was bitter, jealous, and negative. The best thing about releasing him was that it gave me the opportunity to be more conscious of myself and the ways in which I can be jealous. Everyone can get jealous and bitter, no one is immune to this but it’s how you channel that into something positive that separates the good from the ugly!
Jealous friends are so needy and draining! When you find out a friend or acquaintance is headed down that road, cut them off quickly! Dealing with them is a waste of time you can’t get back and energy you can be putting towards something else!
It’s very important to let go of poisinous relationships and I’m all for walking away when jealousy or other negative character traits sour the relationship and starts to damage your own worldview. But, sometimes when friends are in different stages in life, there’s friction. If it’s too much then let it go, if you think it’s a phase, ride it out and take breaks if you need to.
Maybe I’m being so lenient because I wonder if I’m slowly becoming the jealous friend. I don’t mean to, but it’s hard when you want something so bad and your friends (who you love and you know totally deserve their happiness) are moving forward without you. So, how does one do battle with the green-eyed monster? And how do you manage to be happy for friends when you’re so damn miserable? Advice? I want to nip this in the bud before it gets out of control.
@C
Keep reminding yourself that jealousy is counter productive. Focus on working towards what YOU want. Forget about what other people have and what other people are doing. Besides things arent always what they seem. Just because it looks like someone elses life is exactly the way you wish yours was dont mean thats truly the case. Like I said in a earlier comment: Nobody has it easy. Believe me!
I understand where C is coming from. I’m jealous of any woman that has it easy in love because I’ve never had it easy and probably never will. Like I said in the “Stop holding on to your type” article, I’ve never dated my type but I want to. Do I hate on my friends and wish them unhappiness? No!! I wouldn’t wish my bad luck in love on my worst enemy, but its hard watching others be with the men they want to be with and I can’t. I’m glad my friends don’t have to settle. I just wish I could be like them. I don’t know how to offer solace to another woman who is in my situation. Hopefully, the time will come when they can be with the man they want to be with.
I need help as well with this issues.
Its really hard to watch all of ones friends “moving on”, getting great boyfriends, getting married etc. Believe me, I love my friends. However, I have been so overcome by my own grief that it has made it hard “to be happy” for them. Does that make me an “evil friend” that needs to be “cut off”? I don’t think so.
I also feels some friends who are in these “great relationships” are so insensitive and talk about “their success” so often all the time. They don’t think about the feelings of those who feel left behind.
@ Marie -
I’d cut you off.
“I also feels some friends who are in these “great relationships” are so insensitive and talk about “their success” so often all the time.”
I’m about 99% sure that they’re not being insensitive, they are sharing details about their lives, but because you’re currently so miserable that’s all you hear.
“Its really hard to watch all of ones friends “moving on”, getting great boyfriends, getting married etc.”
Instead of being bitter, you’d be better off realizing that your friends now know MORE men (their husband’s friends, their boyfriends friends) who might be single and looking. But if you’re so focused on how they’re moving on without you, you’re not thinking of it that way. I mean straight UP, after having folks trying to sabatoge and backstab me earlier this year because THEY were in a bad place, I’d drop you like a stone. Yesterday.
It is THAT dang hard for you to be happy for someone else? Does everyone need to be as miserable as you are for you to be happy or at peace? This is why people start self-selecting HARD for friends at later ages, because if folks aren’t in the same place as you, they’re more likely to try to sabatoge your situation so you can sit at home and be miserable just like them.
Cue Tyrese…
Bahhaaha!
You know you need to stop! Dont you put that evil on her! LOL!!!
I have had friends of mine actually tell me to my face that they’re jealous of me, saying “I always look like I have things so together”. I’m like, “That is all smoke and mirrors, I am always just one bad moment away from everything blowing apart”.
If they only knew, they would see that there’s nothing to be jealous about. But they seem to see what they want, what confirms their opinion. It’s crazy.
Youre so sooo right!
Im so glad to hear someone express the other side of jealously! People rarely have a clear view of what goes on in the lives of people they envy. NOBODY has it easy! Not a single person! And the truth of it is, theres almost nothing that someone else has that you couldnt have as well. Whether it be: love, money, looks, or whatever. If you want something bad enough, more often than not theres a way to get it. So why allow yourself to be swallowed up by jealousy?
Yeah, if they only knew how much chaos was churning underneath my calm surface!
I had a friend just like the woman you described in your article. When several people that we know announced their engagement or marriage she said awful things like it wont last or she is desperate. I remember when I was dating this guy I was so happy I wanted to share my happiness with her. You could hear the negativity and anger in her voice she went out of her way to discourage me and even told me that I was not cut out to be with the person I was seeing for me that was the end of our friendship. I realize that most people can only be as happy for you as they are happy for themselves in that moment.
I learned the hard way that jealous and envious people (men and women) do exist. Yes, they are our friends and some family members. What I have experienced is the opposite of when you are down then you learn who your real friends are. For me, it was the more I received in life is when I found out who was happy for me and who truly didn’t want to see me prosper. It’s almost as if jealous people are thinking to themselves ” but you don’t deserve anything else”. True, but sad. This for sure has been a good lesson over the years. Now I have a keen sense for this type of foolishness. I keep my circle close, don’t tell any of my business, and it takes me a really long time to trust new people. Due to learning first hand of how jealously can hurt, I am very loyal to the people I can trust. Now, jealous behavior doesn’t bother me one tad bit. So in the end, it has all work out for the best.
“I keep my circle close, don’t tell any of my business”
Same here. You can unintentionally set someone off with the littlest things.
Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!
Part 2. Also, it is not always what you have/material possessions . Often times people are jealous of the type of person you are. Some people are just plain jealous of the internal happiness you have. Remember misery loves company. They can be really dangerous (envy) when it comes to happy go-lucky people.
THIS.RIGHT.HERE.
Like I said, this year was especially hard due to ending some friendships that had been there for nearly a decade, or longer. I certainly didn’t have the most (material things). But all it took was some weight loss (I’ve been thin my whole life except for a two year stretch due to illness), a good-looking boyfriend, mapping towards grad school… and I’ve never seen such backstabbing in my life. The main thing that one person told me? She was currently miserable in her relationship and didn’t know what to do with her life and so since I seemed so happy, obviously, she wanted to ruin that for me. Like that was normal and acceptable behavior!!!
Anyway ladies, look at their faces when you’re sharing good news. If you see contempt or crazy… just let them go and save yourself the drama.
@Patricia this is so true. Even when I’m struggling happiness stays at my center and I’ve seen first hand that this bothers many and I mean MANY people. Right now I mask my happiness because the jealousy is so prevalent but I am trying to find healthier ways to deal with this.
I used to be close with my cousins ex-best friend. Probably the most jealous woman I’ve ever encountered. She was never ashamed about it, she was upfront and intruded herself in things that had nothing to do with her, never missing a moment to say something negative. When I got my first job, and started making my ‘own’ money, her jealousy became more apparent. She made slick comments about me being spoiled and ungrateful, and that I spent money on useless things. This is from a woman who had two kids by two men struggling to take care of herself and her kids. It’s hard to care about someone so negative, and I didn’t. I flat out told her, she wouldn’t be such miserable woman had she kept her legs closed and stopped having babies. If it weren’t for her kids, she would have her own money to spend on herself; since that was what bugged her so much. She was mad at our freedom, finances, etc; I never apologized for what I said and probably never will. My cousin eventually dropped her along the way too. Three kids later, she’s still a negative Nancy.
I think it’s impossible to have a friendship with a jealous person, unless that person is willing to cope with what they don’t have. No matter if they try to hide it, it will still show. One of my friends since middle school, use to always drop comments here and there about me not working. I didn’t get my first real job till I was 20. I can admit I was raised a bit spoiled, but there was never a need for me to work when my parents provided for me and encouraged me to focus on school instead. She was aware of this but I can tell it bugged her, especially since her own parents were strict and cut her allowance when she was 18. I have no room for jealous people in my life.
I have a jealous friend. When things are going good b/t her and whomever she’s talking to at the moment, she’s brags all the damn time. If I’m talking to someone and she’s not, the first thing that comes out of her mouth is “I don’t wanna hear that lovey dovey shit” smh. Why can’t you just be happy for me?? My own mother is the same way. She can never congratulate you on anything unless it’s concerning her. I’m almost done with school and my mother has not once congratulated me, but she’s quick to ask me for some of my refund money from school.
I’ve got a few friends like this. It’s come to a point where I just have to distance myself, because it’s a really draining situation to be in. If people are unsatisfied with themselves and wallow in the jealousy of others, they will try to bring you down to their level.