I often notice my lovers’ insecurities right after we finish making love. These are not one-night stands, or men just looking to bust a nut in the nearest pretty vagina that walks their way. These are friends, boyfriends, and human beings I actually adore. I care about their feelings, their pleasure, and their sensitivities. So I always take notice when they point out what they perceive as a flaw in our moment together.

“That was quick, huh?”

It’s a line that’s become a defense mechanism for many of my lovers, most of whom usually go for thirty minutes to an hour, intercourse alone. Every time I hear it, I mentally compare it to the declaration of someone who is unconfident in their physical beauty, stating that they’re ugly before anyone else can degrade them.

Between Missy Elliot circa 2001, “minute man” jokes, and certain girlfriends gossiping about their man’s inadequate moves in the bedroom, I feel for some men. Most men give more than they receive in bed–between the constant moving, stroking, and positioning of us–women primarily just get to lay down, orgasm, and tighten our vaginal muscles when we please. Unless we’re riding on top or performing fellatio, what real work do we have to do during love making? We might hold a position or two or three or four. But apart from that, we’re not the running backs in the game. We just call the shots.

When my lovers climax in fifteen minutes or less, I’m rarely ever upset. It’s usually just an indicator that they’ve gone awhile without getting some or perhaps that they’re nervous. Thus, I recognize the sensitivity and would hate to be that woman who only makes things worse.

“Yea, damn. That WAS really quick.”

Words have power, as do body language and touch. Thus, I usually reassure them that they were fine, and that I was satisfied. I cuddle up underneath them, smile, and ask if they were satisfied. They generally sigh yes or make a statement saying they wish they’d lasted longer. But in the end, we’re comfortable and his ego is left in tact.

None of this is contrived or fake. I genuinely don’t feel any ill will toward my lovers for a quick performance. I tend to make love to men that spend at least thirty minutes on my orgasm prior to intercourse, so I’m not mad if there isn’t a bonus.

But of course, there’s more to good sex with men than how long it lasts. And I have been in situations that packages were a bit smaller or too big for my liking. After all, not every vagina is made to accommodate the same length and width of a penis. Thus, anytime I particularly get a smaller lover, I’ve learned that creativity is a must.

In these situations, I’ve been rude before. I wasn’t always the “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” woman that I am now. I’ve told dudes flat out that I can’t feel them inside me, rolled my eyes when they pulled down their boxers, or frankly just got up and said, “I’m not in the mood anymore.” I’ve laughed with my girlfriends about many of these situations. But it’s usually after I’ve ended my affair with the dude, just to save him any embarrassment should he find himself in the presence of my girlfriends and me.

What I’ve learned is that a little bit of private instruction goes a long way. Most people are not naturals in the bedroom, men and women included. If he’s coming too quickly, not hitting the spot, biting the clit, or just all over the place, most men are usually really receptive to feedback, particularly in the moment, if it’s done lovingly and without a frustrated attitude.

While there are men that love to brag about their sexual prowess, deep down the majority of men are insecure about pleasing you and want to make sure that they get it right. So before you go run tell your girlfriends about what the man didn’t do or get irritated in the moment because he’s failing to bring you pleasure, try giving your partner some love. Tell him what you want or how he can do it better. If he does something right, tell him that he hit the spot. Men love compliments, too.

Ladies, how do you handle your man’s subpar performance? Or if you’re a man, how do you like to receive instruction on your moves in the bedroom? Join the conversation.

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