Same Friends…Different Journeys
I don’t like people. Ok maybe not all people, but most. I am a spoiled, only child who hates sharing and would much rather spend time socializing alone than dealing with other people’s nonsense; but for some reason people like me and despite my dislike for most people, I have managed to form friendships. I have a tendency to not let people in, so when I make friends I cherish them because clearly they are special and have what it takes to put up with me and my madness. Most of my friends have been with me pretty much all my life, for example my best friend and I have known each other 20 years and after all this time I still haven’t managed to scare her off.
Lately my life has been pushing full steam ahead in a positive way. I’ve made new friends, joined new organizations, I’m seeing more of the world, started a new job and I’m just living a better and more productive life overall. My mind is focused on my future and how I can make the best out of life with the hand I was dealt, but some of my friends are not headed in the same direction. Some of my really good lifelong friends and even some of the newer ones are way off what I perceive as the logical adult path.
They still want to live at home because it’s free, baby daddy/momma drama, partying nonstop, sexing everything walking, shopping all the time for cute clothes, have no money in the bank and are behind on bills, but think all that is okay because they somehow managed to have money in a 401k they can’t touch until they’re 65. Really people? Really?!?! Of course none of this makes them bad people and it doesn’t take away from their valuable friendships, but I don’t live my life that way and that kind of foolishness is beyond ridiculous to me at this age. I have other friends that are more aligned with my present/future goals and dreams and these friends push me to be a better person and I truly love them for that, but they don’t hold my history or have my memories. They only know the present me, not all of me and since I can’t mesh them all into one amazing super friend, I’m left feeling like I’m stuck between different worlds.
I have crazy love for my hot mess friends, bad credit and all, some of them have known my “donkey years,” as my Trini friend Jennifer says, and I know they will always hold me down, but my newer friends are more in line with who I am and who I want to be. Granny always told me “Show me your friends and I’ll show you who you are,” but my hot mess friends are not me and with each passing day I feel myself being able to relate a little less. How do I grow and mature when the people closest to me are not, or at the very least aren’t growing and maturing at the same pace? How do I push forward without leaving them behind? I don’t want to be that person that “makes it” and forgets a part of who they are and for better or worse my friends are a part of who I am. I wasn’t always focused, wasn’t always living semi struggle free, so who am I to pull away from them simply because they aren’t where I am.
When we’re young we never think about this part of the future, the part where your world and journey has gotten so big that you have to shed some of your old life in order to move forward in the new one. I feel torn. I often try to find ways to mesh the two worlds together, but more often than not it ends up being uncomfortable and awkward. For now all I can do is spend time with my old friends and try to find new ways to relate to their lives as they are, but in the back of my mind I still wonder if it is truly possible to keep the same friends even though we’re all on different journeys.
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I can relate. I have some hot mess friends who, for some strange reason, they can not grow past their hot mess. I hang out with them sometimes because I can be myself without judgement. I can relate to co-workers in terms of future goals, but honestly, I do not see myself hanging out with them. We just do not seem to click beyond work.
My best friend, however, has known me since high school, and we are both growing in the same direction. When I was younger, drama seemed to last FOREVER, but now, I am the kind of person who likes to make up my mind about what distance I like to keep people at, so I keep drama at a minimum.
Pick up a copy of the book “The 48 Laws of Power” turn to law#10. Read and reread again. law#10 “Avoid the unhappy & unlucky”
This article speaks volumes to my current situation in life. I had a conversation with my cousin concerning this topic not too long ago. There is no way to have a happy median in life with all of your friends. I could never expect my newer friends to click with my older ones, that just would not work. All you can do is encourage the others that aren’t aiming for success, that there is more to life than “sexing” & the “party life.” I could never steer away from my old friends because they get me. However, my newer friends have similar goals in life.
So glad I am able to have and appreciate all types of friends. Our differences make my life richer.
So true! I too, am an only, spoiled child. I now find myself doing almost everything alone, with no worries. I am currently in the middle of deleting insignificant contacts out of my phone and off my fb page. I don’t know how I ever kept up with all of the drama in their lives that would crossover to mine! I believe there was a previous article written on Clutch about a girl and her best friend growing apart due to her choosing college. It said to some degree, “There is a time where you are young and everything is golden with your friends, and you grow up and realize that you don’t want the same things out of life.” O gosh if this isn’t the truth! Sometimes, I wonder if maintaining the friendships will add any value to my life. The what-ifs often create a struggle in my own mind.I then think that I put too much thought into it and others don’t think that hard about me, so I choose to let it go. With new friends, there isn’t a history built, so when sharing new info, you have to go back and explain from the very start, which can be so annoying and take all the fun out of sharing! I am my own best friend these days!
Defenitely falling into that path as I begin to leave college and enter into the workforce. There are some friends that I know that I just have to leave behind becase they are jealous of my success and have found ways to be hurtful about it. Can’t wait to re-locate away from haterville!
Thanks for sharing! I’m going through the exact same experience. I think things will naturally play themselves out…eventually the friendships will likely get left behind.
This piece speaks into my life, I had to get rid of a friend that has been the same ever since High School. It was sad to let her go and awkward because my other friends talk to her, but we have just outgrown each other. Not to put her business out there, but she came to the US before me and other friend, we both moved out of our parents home and she still lives with her mother and she let he boyfriend move into her room, we both are finished with our degree and she cannot decided what she wants from her education. I tried to understand her situation but I simply asked her ” If you got a scholarship to go to Italy, would you take it?” her reply was ” not unless(boyfriend’s name) is coming with me, plus I love Miami too much to leave”. Needless, to say I can tell we have grown apart, by her answer. There were other things but the underlying issue is she hasnt grown into an adult yet, and I have. Well written.
My life in a nutshell. Truth be told I am seeking the company of those who represent the futuristic version of myself. The type of woman I want to evolve into. I still hang w/my H.S. and College friends but I’m not going to sacrifice my goals b/c other ppl may or have not evolved into their adult self. I try to mix up my time for myself, old friends & new ones. If ppl cannot understand that then LIFE will delete them my circle!
I’m currently struggling with the same issue. How do I move ahead in my friendships when we are clearly on different pages? There seems to be nothing in common, because I’m on a journey to overcome drama and pettiness, but thats all my friend seems to focus on :(
I love this. Definitely can relate
Sounds like you have too many friends who have no focus. Find people like yourself and you will be happy. Opposites DO NOT attract, they make you delusional that your relationship could actually work based on a cliche. Then it all falls apart because your ideals and culture don’t mix. If you like yourself, FIND yourself.
People grow apart. Not everybody is meant to be your friend for a life time. Some are only around for a season even if it’s a long season. I’m going through the same thing. My childhood best friend and I are in two different phases of life. She still in school and depends on mommy. I’m a grad, I’m on my own, and on to a path to accomplishing my goals. There are only certain parts of my life I can share with her and certain things we can do together. And that’s fine. The closeness I lost with her I’ve gained in one of my college friends. We have grown to be best friends over this past year with all the things we have been through. She’s also growing apart from her childhood best friend. It’s ok to hang out with your old friends every once in a while but your circle needs to consist of people who will bring you up, not down.
My close friends will always be in my life. Maybe at different capacities but always just a phone call away. Like all other relationships it’s about maintenance. The more relevant a friend is to what I’m doing the more we see each other. I found through the years that I have certain friends that are better at certain things. One friend with unconditional encouragement, another who always knows how to allow me to see things in another perspective, and one that just validates me with the “I know right!, or “I feel you on that!”
I also have friends who are newer but are already more like family and I know our children will grow up together. They may never all get together but I love and need all of them equally to be the best me.
No one says we have to choose, we just need to remember the good in our friends that made them our friends in the first place. If it isn’t a superficial reason then there shouldn’t be any problem. And always do you! Real friends are always there for support. They are people you know you have fun with and can laugh about things with at the end of the day. You may not necessarily walk the same path unless you are extremely lucky.
I’ve been going through this same situation. I left home and went off to college and left alot of friends behind. Now that I’ve graduated and returned home I’ve tried to pick up where we left off, but its just not the same anymore. I’m at such a different place in my life with different goals and a different mindset. I’m just past the baby daddy drama, going to the club every other night, catty girl drama etc. For so long I’ve tried to force a friendship but I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that some people are only in your life for a season. “In the process of growing up we grow apart”
I’ve dropped a lot of friends in the past five years. And I think its necessary for everyone to drop a friend or two as you get older. You can’t/won’t be friends with certain people for a long time. People come and go, people change and every friendship doesn’t have to last.
Every new year I think about the people I am friends with and question whether I’m benefiting anything from their ‘friendship’, if I feel that I am not, I distance myself and eventually drift away. If I feel the opposite, I continue to stay in touch. I only have three friends that I’ve known since middle school that I am still friends with. I had so many friends in HS (a lot) and I am currently friends with only one. I don’t see much hope for that one either.
Wow this is definitely how I feel right now. My best friend that I met at one of my many retail store jobs just doesn’t seem so much like the person I met a few years ago. it seemed like back then we were so much alike, party every weekend, have the cutest boo’s and flat a** broke lol. But now that we are older I realize that that life is not at all what I’m interested in. Don’t get me wrong I aint out here balling out of control but I know how to manage my money a whole lot better and she…..is still lost in the credit card debt, shopping and buying everything she doesn’t need at an unreasonable price and wanting to party at every party no matter what the crowd (18+) we’re 24, and at the end of every two weeks is broke again. That pay check to pay check life is not me anymore and I feel like the more I move towards maturity and thinking more clearly the further away I move from my best friend. It’s just a terrible feeling.
As we get older we grow more intolerant. I have cut a few people out of my life in the past few years that were horrible but I was just too young and naive to see. As for friends that are in a different place in life, I’m ok with that. I’m not going to cut off a good friend from childhood because of their credit score or choice in men because that’s ridiculous. There is always room for growth in everyone including me so I’m not going to judge anyone for petty stuff like that. Try introducing your friends to some of the things that the new you enjoys doing. In our 20′s and early 30′s so much is happening so fast when it comes to goals, careers, relationships, interests etc. but when it slows down you will want the people truly dear to you that know you for you around you. Not the ones you picked up along the way because you appreciate their drive (even though that relationship can bloom and grow as well). Being a true friend means taking the good with the flaws.