Will You Marry Me?

by Ezinne Ukoha

Chrissy Lampkin Jim Jones FianceWatching Chrissy Lampkin on VH1’s Love and Hip Hop still lamenting over the fact that her lover, rapper Jim Jones, still hasn’t embraced the idea of making an honest woman out of her by putting a “ring on it” makes one wonder about the relevance of marriage in these present times.

Living in an age where the divorce rate is steadily rising, it’s hard to be totally sold on the idea that walking down the aisle and making your union official is necessary in order to enjoy the comforts and security of a long term relationship. Some argue that when children are involved in the equation, sealing the deal prevents them from being tagged as illegitimate. But then, you have children of divorce who are suffering the repercussions of having their “perfect” family torn apart forcing them to accept the disjointed version they didn’t sign up for. Is that a better scenario than if their parents were perfectly content enjoying the benefits of a family unit and a sound partnership without the pressure of marital duties?

Of course it feels good to be betrothed to the man/woman of your dreams, if for nothing else, the very idea that you were picked as that perfect compliment to another person is quite flattering and massages the ego quite a bit. But the actual work involved in keeping such a union healthy and stable can be challenging, not to mention the thought of being absolutely faithful to one person for the rest of your days can pose a bit of a problem as the years go by and you find yourself in sticky situations.

I think the people who are brave enough to identify themselves early as non-marriage material should be respected and not judged or ridiculed. Its time to finally accept the fact that the institution of marriage is fast becoming an outdated concept that more and more of us are unsuccessfully implementing. If you are happily together with your love and the confidence and trust level is at an all time high, do you really have to dive into the marital pool and turn into a jealous, insecure, and confused better half overnight?

If you feel go for it, and if you don’t stay happy!

  • d_nicegirl

    Of course you do! Otherwise, you will singlehandedly become responsible for all that is wrong with African Americans. Duh!

  • DBG

    If you don’t want to be married, then don’t be. Lamenting over the fact that you’re dating a knucklehead that won’t marry you, THEN questioning the necessity of marriage is assinine – at best. If your insecurity is driving your marriagability qoutient, then you’ve done the world a favor by just staying single. 9/10 times, he’s going to be the SAME man you dated before marriage when you tie the knot. So if you had problems THEN, you’ll have the SAME problems in marriage too. Women try to change men, then get frustrated when he’s the same dude they married anyway. We aren’t perfect, neither are you – get over it.

    *facepalm*

  • Please Excuse Me

    Chrissy needs to stop lamenting. The reason why he isn’t married to her is because she is already doing the wifey thing. They live together, she stays at home and takes care of the house and all the duties that come with that and they’re having sex. Furthermore she proposed to him so there is no challenge so she took the responsibility out of his hands.

    People need to evaluate themselves and realize that
    1-Getting married is a choice
    2-Getting a divorce is a choice
    3-Every man is not husband material
    4-Every woman is not wife material

    Marriage isn’t the problem I know people who got married for all the wrong reasons
    A-Loneliness
    B-Pregnancy (Shotgun wedding)
    C-Status
    D-Sex (A couple I know got married because they were having pre marital sex and felt guilty so they got hitched)
    E-Financial security
    F-Business transaction
    G-just to prove to people that they are married

  • JS

    I think people should just let folks make their own decisions. I personally would not propose to a man and then wait for him to make a move. But I can’t say I blame her because she seems to really love him and want to be with him. Just wouldn’t work for me.

    Like Please Excuse Me said, there are a lot of people who get married for the wrong reasons, which takes away the sanctity and joys of marriage as well.

  • Mimi

    Wait a minute. Someone is upset that Jim Jones won’t marry them?????

    I don’t watch the show and don’t know who this chick is, but I have to agree with what Please Excuse Me said. If she’s doing everything a traditional wife is doing, why would he marry her??? Hell, he’s got the best of both worlds. He’s got a chick at home that handles everything AND he can go out and be a single man. I can’t believe that there are still women in 2011 that do everything for a man (cook, clean, give up the booty etc.) but still complains when he won’t marry you. I blame her for that situation, certainly not him.

  • apple

    i think she been with him for like 15 years..and it seems like she put her whole life on hold just to be his girlfriend.. thats probably why she wont leave!

  • Trini

    Your entire comment is SO on point!

    Especially: “Marriage isn’t the problem I know people who got married for all the wrong reasons.”

    Marriage has been pretty much the same since creation and always will be. Placing the blame on the institution of marriage itself is the height of ignorance.

  • ms_micia

    I know we’re not questioning the validity of the marriage arrangement because some rapper won’t marry his live in gf. I mean forreal???? The marriage arrangement not only legally benefits but it is a level of COMMITMENT that you have to agree to. I want to be with you and only you and I’m willing to make a documented contract to that affect. People get into commitments of this magnitude all the time (buying large ticket items, ie house, car) Isn;t the person you claim to love worthy of the commitment you give to a peice of steel or a car? I don’t understand why sisters are selling themselves short. Marriage is an infrastructure that benefits not only the individual but society. We can agree that out of wedlock children, children of divorce and men who are allowed to consistently hop in one bed, make a family (with NO consequence) and move on to the next are not good for the community. Any one who’s seen the show knows that ALL of the women in relationships with these rappers are extremely insecure and put up wih LOADS of bull to maintain their lifestyle. But so do politician’s wives. But A) They don’t have reality shows showing their extreme insecurity B) They’re WIVES, so any time their husbands get out of pocket they taking the house the kids and the dog, along with HALF. Whereas this beautiful, smart sister will be left with a mouth full of dust and regret if Jim Jones were to ever get to a point where he didn’t want to be with her. You’re worth commitment and marriage ladies, don’t sike yourself into thinking the alternative is some kind of replacement for the real thing. #Valueyourself

  • Trini

    “9/10 times, he’s going to be the SAME man you dated before marriage when you tie the knot. So if you had problems THEN, you’ll have the SAME problems in marriage too. Women try to change men, then get frustrated when he’s the same dude they married anyway.”

    That statement right there needs to be made into a PSA and be broadcasted nationwide via billboards, TV, radio and the Internet every single day for at least a year! So many women are guilty of this nonsense and I will never understand why!

  • NOno

    + 1

  • LJF

    Questioning the institution of marriage behind what some rapper’s long time girlfriend chooses to endure is ridiculous. She, and others like her, created the situation they find themselves in. That being stated, to decide whether marriage is right for oneself should not be predicated on the actions/in-actions of others, it should be about if you so desire to be in such a committed relationship that is recognized by religious institutions/laws/etc.

  • http://@clnmike Clnmike

    ” But the actual work involved in keeping such a union healthy and stable can be challenging, not to mention the thought of being absolutely faithful to one person for the rest of your days can pose a bit of a problem as the years go by and you find yourself in sticky situations.”

    If that’s the mind set you have than you have no reason to be in a monogamous relationship let alone a marriage. Just keep playing the field and let the chips fall were they may. If you want to be married than make the stand, stop playing the wife or the husband till you get your ring and commitment and damn sure don’t have any kids.

    As for Jimmy Jones’ girlfriend, she needs to step back and take a hard look at the facts. You have been with dude for 11 years and he has not deemed you worthy to marry. the question is WHY and WHY AM I STILL HERE.

  • Isis

    + 2

  • African Mami

    If I was Jimmy, no matter how long we have been together I would NEVER propose! Playing housewife-instead of going and getting her own, would prevent me from putting a ring. I see a woman who is content being taken care of and lacks ambition. She exerts too much energy on being in trivial scuffles. She puts her nose in other peoples business cue the Emily dilemma-by the way her and Fab are back together-smh @ that Freedom party bullshit-What does she do, other than being Jimmy’s girlfriend. It seems to me she has made a career out of that for herself.

  • http://cafegraphique.blogspot.com shelly-bean

    “The reason why he isn’t married to her is because she is already doing the wifey thing. They live together, she stays at home and takes care of the house and all the duties that come with that and they’re having sex.”

    So true…why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free?

  • Natasha

    You say it’s just a piece of paper and “it don’t mean nothin’”?

    As someone else wrote on this blog a while ago regarding another post about marriage, “Uh-huh. Try telling that to a judge in Family Court”.

    Yeah, that’s it. I can definitely see how NOT being married benefits a man, but not a woman, and particularly not a woman with children from that man.

    Being legally married counts for a helluva lot if things go wrong in the relationship. Or, think about this: What if nothing goes wrong, and you’re living together, and then your baby daddy gets run over by a bus? Try telling the Social Security Administration that marriage don’t mean nothin’ when you’re trying to get monthly dependent child survivor benefits for your two children.

  • Rhuebekah

    I love it! Thank you!

  • The Comment

    Thank you! Wifey has no financial benefits. Anyone playing wifey will not get smart all of a sudden and say,…I’ll get him to write a will to secure my future if something tragic happens. Hell married people 1/2 the time don’t have life insurance to cover funeral cost of a spouse and are caught like a deer in the headlights when they realize Social Security only shells out a few hundred when a funeral averages 7-10 grand.

    Why do you think gays want to get married? Love and benefits.

  • Ooh La La

    Agreed, completely.

  • Ooh La La

    Hell, he doesn’t even have to die — he could just be badly hurt and in critical care. And you can even visit him in the hospital because you’re not kin or a legal spouse. The terms ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ are not just words people — they have meaning and give you rights.

  • Are You Serious Bro

    “I think the people who are brave enough to identify themselves early as non-marriage material should be respected and not judged or ridiculed. Its time to finally accept the fact that the institution of marriage is fast becoming an outdated concept that more and more of us are unsuccessfully implementing. If you are happily together with your love and the confidence and trust level is at an all time high, do you really have to dive into the marital pool and turn into a jealous, insecure, and confused better half overnight?

    If you feel go for it, and if you don’t stay happy!”

    *Whips out pen* I am cosigning all of this. The first line especially rings truth. Just look at some of the comments posted already.

    Also d_nicegirl is Nostradamus:

    d_nicegirl
    NOVEMBER 17, 2011 AT 2:59 PM
    Of course you do! Otherwise, you will singlehandedly become responsible for all that is wrong with African Americans. Duh!

    I be damn if some folks didn’t come inches away from taking that leap lol

  • fuchsia

    Well said. I can add one more reason people get married: Drunken night in Vegas! Just something to to do so you can say you did it.

    When I stop to think about it, it’s actually interesting how broad the spectrum is…

  • overseashoneybee

    Why should he marry her? Homeboy is livin’ well with no commitment … no obligation and after 11 years he doesn’t really seem motivated to do anything differently.

  • iknowitall

    That photo of Chrissy has been photo-shopped to death. They didn’t line it up very well in between her fingers. Why can’t she accept her full figure as in is the norm.

  • Mercedes

    Preach!

  • Dierdra

    You say it’s just a piece of paper and “it don’t mean nothin’”?

    “Uh-huh. Try telling that to a judge in Family Court”.

    I work as a paralegal and this is the God’s honest truth. This should put up on billboards in black neighborhoods everywhere.

  • Tami

    I think if you realize that you are not marriage material, that you can’t be faithful, don’t want to sacrifice for your beloved, then no, you should definitely not get married. But marriage is a good thing even in this day & age. I am divorced, but when I was with my husband, the sacrifices i made for him, such as helping him when he was down required some sort of give & take. Because we lived together, after several years I told him he has to marry me. When he wanted to know why, since every thing was already good between us, I said because I sacrifice for you by cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, helping you, and although you are here for me, assisting me, I need just a little more. I want you to commit to me totally, yes, I need that piece of paper telling me that you would sacrifice some of your freedom for me…And he did…We got married. After a couple of years we got divorced, but the one thing I can say is that he loved me enough to marry me…and I would do it again.

  • Kiesha

    ITA with this comment! It’s so funny to me to hear women screaming “I don’t need marriage” when nobody has asked to marry them anyway.

  • secret ninja

    agreed 1000%

  • secret ninja

    thank you!!!!!!!

  • secret ninja

    girl say this again two more times! i couldn’t agree more!

  • SAA

    “It’s so funny to me to hear women screaming “I don’t need marriage” when nobody has asked to marry them anyway.”

    @Kiesha- a big thank you and a giant e-hug on this lovely Friday because if that isn’t the truth then the sky is green. You can actually scroll though the comment section of many posts on this blog relating to marraige/ family, etc. and see how many of the females say the exact same thing about not needing or wanting to be married. But here’s a thought that comes to mind when I see/ hear comments like that: what are you bitter about, who hurt you? Why are you so resistant/ hesistant to something that not only benifits you and your significant other but also society and most importantly of all your (future) children. Often times women/girls/females who say this aren’t even asked to be married or quite honestly dating/marraige material. That’s just my two cents anyways…

  • Trini

    “…stop playing the wife or the husband till you get your ring and commitment and damn sure don’t have any kids.”

    Thank you, thank you and THANK YOU!!!

    People REALLY need to stop doing that trash!

  • SAA

    +infinity

  • secret ninja

    i agree with you, i would also though that they are cut from the same cloth. he is about the same trivial stuff that she’s about, thats why he continues to put out bs and puts up with hers. this is not a quality dude (not implying that that’s what you’re saying)so even if Chrissy had her ish together, he most likely still would not marry her because that’s not what he’s about.

  • secret ninja

    *correction – meant to say “would also add though…”

  • Pilot

    I have to tell you, this reminds me of those situations in urban schools where 70% of the students were not meeting the minimum standards for their particular grade.

    You would think the logical solution would be to have the students and administration work harder to achieve the standards. But what actually happened, over and over, was that the school or the school district just simply lowered the standards. The press release always read that “The school district officials felt that the previous definitions of success were outdated, and needed to be re-defined to keep pace with a changing world.” They re-defined success. Downward.

    Now here we have people saying, “Marriage is too hard. It’s hard being mongamous, it’s hard commiting to someone, it’s hard to get along with someone, it’s hard to stick around and support your children. So, maybe we should just reconsider what marriage is, maybe we should re-define it, because it seems to be outdated.”

    So, is the push here to re-define the requirements of marriage downward, so that more people can call their relationship a “marriage”, and therefore feel good about whatever kind of relationship they’re in?

    Because, to me, that seems to be what the author of this post is hinting at.

    Or is it to assure people that whatever baby-mama or baby-daddy relationship they’re in is “every bit as good” as a legal marriage?

    Because, as others have pointed out, society as a whole, and this country’s legal system, are not in accordance with that point of view. And, if that is the author’s point of view, respectfully, I would have to say that such a view is both naive and delusional.

  • SAA

    that is a terrific analogy and is so appropriate for this situation and many others.

  • http://fatlittlefitgirl.blogspot.com Fat Little Fit Girl

    Yes! This comment was soooooooooooooooooo on point! I love it!

  • Trini

    Yup!!!

    So sad but so true. That ish is quickly becoming an epidemic almost everywhere you look.

  • Natasha

    +1

    No, +100

  • Carla

    I think the author’s intent is to offer assurance and balm to people that whatever loosely-defined, half-baked relationship they’re in is just as good and worthy as marriage. They should be proud of it, she’s saying.

  • Bridget

    Thanks for breaking it down!

  • http://Facebook Olympia Sherron

    why in 2011 are women still surprised when a man who they have been giving all of the “for husband only” benefits (living together, having sex, cooking, cleaning, having his kids, etc.) to does NOT marry them?

    Jim Jones is already getting from Chrissy everything that most men want from a woman without giving her marriage so he has NO reason to marry her, as in no incentive or motivation

    thats common sense ladies

    STOP treating a man like he is your husband when he is not your husband

    only the man who marries you deserves all of those great benefits not some random boyfriend who you have let waste years and years of your precious time

    its sad when a woman doesn’t value herself enough to have standards and requirements in a relaitonship

    i know my worth

    i am one woman who will not let any man download the software for free, you have to buy it to enjoy it, no cheap freebies here all in the name of “love”

    a man who really does love a woman will be more than happy to marry her and legally commit to her for life in front of the world and he will be proud to call you his WIFE not his babymama or live-in roommate

  • Melu

    Amen!

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