5 Men And Women On The Dating Scene We All Hate
It is always interesting to note the varying characters one comes across during their time as a single person who’s actively dating. Dating gives us the opportunity to interview strangers, discovering their interests, desires, impulses and influences. If you date enough, or talk to your friends who are also dating enough, you begin to see recurring character themes along the way. In my experience, and in the experiences of my friends, I’ve found that of all the characters we come across while dating, five stand out as the most universally despised of the bunch. Let’s jump right in:
5. The Mama’s Boy
A mama’s boy is the kind of guy who is so cleaved to his mother’s hip that his relationship with her shapes his expectations and perceptions of the women he encounters. Dating a mama’s boy is difficult for women because not only will you have to compete with his mother for his time and affection, but should you win that competition, you’ll then have to replace her. He’ll often need pep talks about getting his life together, growing up and being a man. He will need to be coddled and have his hand held through each and every phase of the relationship—from where you’re going for dinner on Friday night, to where you’re going on your honeymoon. Men hate mama’s boys because they are at the root of this stereotype-infused “chicken or egg” debate raging in and around the black community. Black women are stereotyped as angry, possessive and domineering and black men are stereotyped as emasculated, slightly effeminate, and constantly ordered around by the women in his life. So while I’m not interested in getting into that debate, I think we can all agree that real mama’s boys out there, who really are emasculated, effeminate and constantly ordered around by the women in their lives don’t do anything to help end it.
4. Ms. So Self-Conscious
I realize that life can be hard for women in America. Especially women of color. Our conditioning is conditioned because we’re constantly bombarded with western standards of beauty. Despite this, the truth is, most black men like you just the way you are. Most of us don’t care how you wear your hair as long as you pull it off with style and grace and most of us would prefer to have a little something to hold on to than to not. More than that, in our hearts your looks will always be secondary to your character and personality. All of this is why it’s really difficult to deal with a woman who’s super self-conscious. I don’t mean the kind of woman who thinks she needs to lose five pounds; I mean the kind of woman who attaches all of her self-worth to how she is perceived by men. I mean the kind of woman who twists every single piece of dialogue into some sort of referendum on her overall attractiveness. For men, these women are hard to deal with because self-esteem issues usually breed trust issues, and issues around trust will always prevent a relationship from reaching its full potential. Women who aren’t this self-conscious hate women who are because these are the type of women you can’t trust around your man. If flirting and dressing inappropriately means she gets his attention – so be it. Ask any woman which friend she’s least likely to leave alone with her love and it’ll always be the one with the lowest self-esteem.
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#3: I could never put into words how I felt about serial monogomay. this explains it!
I think one of the most interesting points in this article came from the critique of Party girls, or what was labeled as “Damn She’s Fine But She Parties All The Time’. The following quote ” Women don’t like these types of women, not because they have any affect on their ability to attract men, but because they’re impossible to be friends with if you’re not interested in adopting their lifestyle”, is simply INCORRECT.
One of the main reasons women dislike the pretty women on the club scene is because these women hurt their chances of finding a man. For instance, suppose a group of average looking women went out this upcoming weekend to a club and all the women inside looked like XXL Magazine Eye Candy of the Week Models. The average looking women in the club wouldn’t get any attention because the “model” types would GARNER all the attention.
I know this stuff happens because I’ve had strange women approach me in the club and complain about the type of women I engage in the club. One night at Lima Lounge in Washington, DC, I had a sister approach me and ask why I was talking to this Asian girl all night. I was well aware I wasn’t the only man trying to get her number but I had no idea sisters were getting upset because scores of black men were trying to holla at this one Asian girl. Contrary to what you say, Spradley, this isn’t about potential friendship it’s about competition and hurting one’s chances on the dating scene.
WOMEN do not like competition. As we tend to feed on it. Well most of us. Women on the other hand don’t like competing with other women over attention. While some are better than others, I would argue most sisters encounter issues attracting men beyond the standard practice of standing up against the bar or shaking her behind. In today’s dating market that simply isn’t going to cut it, especially considering how other groups of women will approach brothers with a warm smile, handshake/hug, and good conversation.
Today’s dating market is all about competition and sadly lots of women aren’t equipped to compete. Either they weren’t taught or they simply don’t give a damn. Nonetheless, when my girl goes out i know women in the club are intimidated because she’s a stallion. You should see the way women look at her when we’re out. Nothing but nasty looks and rolling eyes because they know their men will be staring at my woman all night, and truth be told I don’t mind because it only confirms I have good taste.
So, who and at what stage in life should girls/women be taught to compete for relationships?
All that sounds nice and all… but did you just call your woman a horse?
wow, people..magister veritas just purposely insulted all Black women wih his need to use Asian girls as his example of attractiveness, and use as his examplee of “average” as all the Black girls in the club – a.k.a. the ‘sisters’ who keep asking him why every Black guy is trying to get with the asian – wow.
clutch, clutch, clutch….mmph mmph mmmph…SMDH
@Jess, THANK YOU.
I don’t think all Momma’s boys are emasculated. I think that’s a misconception. I think they are a several types of Momma’s boys… and what about men who hate their moms or have messed up relationships with their moms? Dated plenty of those…
I think there’s a level of attachment to a mom that can be unhealthy. There’s a difference between being close to your mom and being a mama’s boy.
@CaliDreaming
Determining a proper age is fairly difficult. In order to establish an appropriate age we must first examine how African American women are socialized from birth. When I discuss this issue with my female friends the first thing they say is “My mother taught me not to chase after boys”. In theory, I understand this concept because both men and women dislike the idea of “fast” girls/women, but many of you fail to understand anything worth having in life is not easy to obtain. This is why I advocate women approaching men.
As it is today, women wait for men to approach them. Choosing to stick to rigid gender roles (usually the one’s that benefit women) is why many sisters date losers and Mr. Wrong. Women who wait on men to approach them are unknowingly limiting their dating pool because these women can only pick from the men who approach them. Do you follow? You can’t date the Boris Kodjoe looking brother if he doesn’t approach you. Hell, he might not even see you in the club/lounge. What’s wrong with giving him a warm smile and asking him his name?
The year is 2011 and women need to get over the whole rejection issue. Many of you will say the fear of rejection isn’t the issue but I can assure it is. This has nothing to do with rigid gender roles that dictate men pursue women. With the current state of the black community being what it is, many of you need to become more proactive in your dating life.
So if I had to determine an age I would say somewhere in between 14-18 yrs of age. Some may say this is young but I argue otherwise. One thing i notice about African American women is many of you need to learn how to talk to men. I had the unfortunate experience of conversing with a sister just 7 days ago outside of my job. She approached me and asked my name which I found refreshing. She also complimented my form of dress (suit and tie) but three minutes into the conversation she shows her true colors by highlighting her ability to drop it like it’s hot on the dance floor. Everything was going well until she made it sexual. I guess she thought i would like that but I can assure you I didn’t.
Sadly, Rebecca and Mai Ling don’t approach me with that nonsense. Perhaps it’s a cultural issue that needs to be addressed but I can say for a fact, at least as it pertains to my personal experiences with women, that other groups take control of their dating lives and compete for what they want.
I find it amusing how black women can compete for jobs but they won’t put in the effort to be happy. Why sit back and take what comes to you instead of taking the proper steps to pursue what you think you deserve? What’s the worse that can happen, him saying “I’m already taken”?
This issue is usually lost on women because it makes female accountable for their own love lives. But then again “In Youth We Learn; In Age We Understand”.
Tell us more o’ great Magister! Through what manner of wizardry in romantic relationships have you gleaned such vast and expansive wisdom???
It’s called life experience. Obviously you have limited experiences with women.
So, at 14, a girl should be learning what it means to compete for relationships?
Instead of telling you just how experienced I am with women, I’ll just say… “LOL” and leave it at that.
…Is that you Steve (Harvey)??
You’ve got some good points- I agree that some women need to step up and approach men instead of waiting around. I also agree that some women do not like competition and that’s why they hate on the pretty girl in the club that gets all the stares. That being said, I have to disagree with your racial categorization of what “Black women” do as compared to “Rebecca and Mai Ling”. There are some of us (Black women) that have no problems going after what we want. I am that hot girl that other women can’t stand. And so is my best friend. I say that because I have endured the hateful stares and whispers from other women in the club, mall, bank, etc. because they are INTIMIDATED by who they think I am. I am highly educated and cultured and know what I want. It irritates me to hear someone place all black women or men in one group; because excuse me, I am NOT like those timid, passive agressive haters that claim they don’t want to be single but then make no attempt to reach out to the men they lust after. This may come across mean, but I’m being very honest.
3. Ms. So Self-Conscious – “I mean the kind of woman who twists every single piece of dialogue into some sort of referendum on her overall attractiveness.”
This is one of my BIGGEST pet-peeves with my sex. Its also the reason I have precious few female friends. I cant stand chicks, or people in generally really, who constantly need to have their egos stroked by whoever happens to within earshot at the time.
Along those same lines I cant stand girls whos very survival seems to completely depend on the attention they get from the opposite sex. And whats worse they will do absolutely ANYTHING for male attention. These are also the very same women who, after plainly making their obvious desperation known to anyone willing to look, cry and complain for weeks on end about why they cant find a man. Really sweetie?!!
I actually really like mama’s boys. I find them polite and respectful towards women. The men that have issues with their Mom are usually the worst.
Brilliantly written! With regards to the dream seller, he doesn’t only do it to get in bed with the other person. That’s simply his way of life. He “talks the talk” but, doesn’t “walk the walk” – so to speak.
Thanks Nikki… appreciate you reading!
This is a great article. Such a different topic in relation to today’s dating scene. I have ran into a dream seller. They are for sure a turn off. You really have to be careful with that type. Since they are so busy trying to sell a dream; they tend to leave out the most important information. One guy I dated for a month or two lied about having kids. He said I never asked….lol. One of my first questions b/c how a man takes care of his responsibilities tells me a lot. I have met some self-conscious men. I don’t care for them either b/c I don’t like questions of where are you going and watching every move you make..blah blah blah. Being self-conscious does eventually turn into lack of trust and being possessive. I’m too old to be controlled.
I love this article!
I’m used to dating “The Dream Seller”. Though I don’t believe that all men are the same, these types of men can make a woman think so. Especially women who are just 24 years old like me. But I have learned to pay close attention to those types of men. When they think that they got you hooked, they always slip up somewhere.
I broke up with a #5. I’m not going to be married to you AND your family. SORRY.
The serial monogamist…yes…that’s me and I’ve known it for a loooong time. I never really thought anything bad about it until I started dating a serial monogamist. Now I’m just all confused. I look at him sometimes and think, “Man, is that me?”.
We’ll see where it goes I guess.
It’s really interesting to to read how some women jump to the conclusion that if a man isn’t a mama’s boy he has issues with his mother- uuummm no. There is a huge difference between a mama’s boy, a man who has a good relationship with his mother, and a man who hates his mother. Please do not confuse the three.
Consider yourself lucky if you do not have to deal with a mama’s boy or a clingy mother. I have learned that they are both deal breakers for me (meaning I will not marry someone with these issues).
Yesssss, yes! The serial monogamist! I don’t trust people who hop from relationship to relationship and don’t know how to live without being tied to someone like that. That seems to spell out to me that I should be concerned about their personal growth and maturity. Emotional dependency is not a game….It’s like a leech! With human body parts!!!
What about bitter people?! They bring all their baggage to you trying to make you pick up where the last person left off minus whatever flaws they had. All the while you’re sitting there like hold on, we just met.
This was a very nicely written article. I can’t stand men who need a mother in their girlfriends. Club scenes seem like a poorly-hidden scam to me, and a party girl’s lifestyle is exhausting. I laugh at “Dream Sellers.” However, I am a little confused as to why/how monogamous relationships can raise “red flags.” Maybe it’s the title “Serial Monogamist” that’s confusing me. Wouldn’t it be more accurate to call them “People Who Can’t Stand to Be Alone”?