Anthony Hamilton Speaks on Black Love

by Thembi Ford

Soul singer Anthony Hamilton sat down with Rolling Out for next week’s issue and had some wise words to share about the state of black love and what he thinks black women should keep in mind while pursuing lifelong commitments with black men.

On The Biggest Misconception About Black Love:

The biggest misconception about black love is that we don’t get along or we don’t evolve as a couple. She’s making too much money, or he’s making more, we have that “I’m not good enough,” syndrome, but there are a lot of couples out there doing well together. Doctors and lawyers in one family, or nurses and construction workers in one family, and are really doing well.

It’s a misconception that black love doesn’t last. But we have couples that are 60 or 65-year-old, married couples. You have to find your strength, and your love within the Lord and you can have that too.

What is the one thing that you wish black women understood about black men?

I wish they would understood that we love the subtle, soft-spoken woman a lot more than the aggressive attitude. Because once you adopt that attitude you tend to use it and you use it not for good anymore, it becomes an unbalance. We love the soft side of a sister. We love the soft side of a woman, the submissive side. A man has to make you comfortable enough to show that side so you don’t have to be so defensive; so it’s a two way street.

Read more at Necole Bitchie.com.

What do you think of Anthony Hamilton’s views on black love?

  • http://nocturneadagio.blogspot.com/ LainaLain

    “A man has to make you comfortable enough to show that side so you don’t have to be so defensive…”

    Truer words have never been spoken.

  • Ms. Independent

    “We love the soft side of a woman, the submissive side. A man has to make you comfortable enough to show that side so you don’t have to be so defensive; so it’s a two way street.”

    So very true…

  • http://@clnmike Clnmike

    Honest words, too bad no one will be listening.

  • Kay Dot

    +3 I completely agree. I’ve noticed that many men today expect the submissive, nuturing and catering side of a woman when they first meet and ‘that ain’t right’; men have to work for it and make us comfortable enough to show those sides. It saddens me because they take that the agressive attitude as bitterness and such and the majority of the time, thats b/c we opened ourselves up to those who didnt appreciate it or took our kindness for weakness, so yes theres a protective shell but with the right heat, the right man can melt it away. I believe in love, black, white or otherwise and agree with Anthony Hamilton in love one minute “I’m A Mess” and the next “The Point of It All”…is I love you

  • arlette

    i know, and i can just imagine feminists wanting to kill him for saying submisive. some black women just need to let their guards down and just calm down, you dont have to be loud and in peoples faces. 99% of all my female friends are black and all of them are the nicest friendliest women you can ever meet.

  • I`am not MAD

    YOU need to be comfortable with Yourself first .Then you will Hear the soft words
    that begin a Relationship.

  • esmagnifique

    And some men need to learn how to let there own guards down rather than assume that all that women (in this case black women) want a hypermasculine guy. The “tough guise” facade 24/7 aint all that attractive either. I appreciate the soft side of a man too, you give what you get.

  • Trini

    @Clnmike

    Its sad but youre probably right!

    @arlette

    “….i can just imagine feminists wanting to kill him for saying submisive.”

    LOL! I was thinking EXACTLY the same thing! I wont be suprised if the comment section explodes with women like, “Oh hell naw!”

  • Angie

    My guy is so sweet and kind to me. I have no problem and actually enjoy being submissive to him. When both parties do their part, the results will be nothing but harmonious.

  • CurlySue

    The definition of submissive: unresistingly or humbly obedient.

    Doesn’t really sound like something I want to be a part of. Is there no middle ground? Must I be either attitude-y and incapable of shutting my mouth or a mouse with no will of her own?

    I’m just saying, it sounds like bullsh*t to me.

  • CurlySue

    The definition of submissive: unresistingly or humbly obedient.

    That doesn’t sound like something I want any part of. Is there no middle ground? Must I either be loud-mouthed and attitude-y or a meek mouse with no will of my own?

    I’m just saying, being submissive sounds like bullsh*t to me. And I’m not even a feminist. Just a human being who doesn’t fancy the idea of bending my whole life to another’s will.

  • Miranda

    I agree 100%

  • realitycheck

    …. but they don’t hear you tho !

  • alldawg

    submissive simply means to agree….

    on a side note, im surprised some of these women on here are not protesting the submit button to post a comment…

  • Perverted Alchemist

    Spoken like a true Southern man!!!!

  • CurlySue

    @alldawg. That’s not true. Submissive doesn’t mean to agree or even to be agreeable. It means willing to obey someone else. There’s a big damn difference between agreeing with someone and obeying someone. I’m an adult woman. I see no incentive to be with a man who find women who “obey” attractive.

  • Alexandra

    Right! Some people seem to only look at it from one aspect.

    People who recite “submission” to women, always leave out where it also requires men to respect and love their partner as they would love themselves in return (if he loves himself of course). Don’t expect anyone to be anything but kind to you because of your gender. That will cause conflict; people expecting to be treated a certain way depending on what’s between their legs. Treat someone that appreciates you with respect and see what the end result will be.

    He also forgot to mention, that women should not submit to the wrong man. The end result of that can be read on the black female blogosphere.

  • yoyo

    YES!

  • alldawg

    What you just did is call conjecture….
    How can one not agree to do something they are willing to do…

    Your confusing being submissive with being subservient…
    your definition is more align with being subservient..

    “We love the soft side of a woman, the submissive side.”

    Being soft is compatible with being submissive

    OBEY is compatible with servitude…

    Stop being so myopic..good grief…

  • esmagnifique

    I agree with Curly Sue! I’m curious to know what exactly Hamilton and men like him would define as “submissive” [even though I know the answer to some extent] I bet some of these chicas wouldnt agree so fast if they knew smh.

    ATTENTION: We are no animals. Submit to what? You? Call me a feminist (I dont take that as an insult so bring it on, even though I personally prefer to term ”womanist) but I’m not buying it.

  • alldawg

    Dont worry about men like me or anthony, we simply are just iincompatible with women who share personality traits like yours…No need to explain anything…We just dont date you…
    No man can say anything to you if he dosent want to date you, no need for explanations, no need to be curious, because most men are not campaigning to date feminist….

    His comment was directed toward women who shares his view point and not the view point of a feminist….

  • CD86

    Submissive |səbˈmisiv|
    adjective
    Ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive.

    I agree with you CurlySue – The definition of submissive does not sound like someone who I would want to be, nor is it someone who I am.

    Seems to me that Alldawg is making the words mean what he wants to and not what they actually do.

    I am so sick of hearing men on these blogs and anywhere else state they want a woman who is submissive. They don’t want relationships. They want someone who they can control and who will make them feel like something when they aren’t really.

  • akosua

    “A man has to make you comfortable enough to show that side so you don’t have to be so defensive…”

    I agree.

    But in addition this, instead of bm making these blanket statements about bw and this supposed aggressiveness, they should acknowledge the historical and present day nuances that bw operate in that contribute to us being who we are. Not to put bm down are to start a diatribe of pejorative go between (but this has to be said b/c this is the root of the problem and I think Anthony stopped short of saying this). Bm have not created an environment for bw to be at ease, relaxed or as they say submissive. All other races of men have created social/political/educational/economic/entertainment systems that perpetuate and elevate their women & children. For instance, compared to ww (since bm are always using them as a barometer), they have the luxury of not having to be aggressive. This European social system we live in is built by wm to make sure ww are taking care of, protected etc. Wm have created white privilege for themselves and their women & children. Bw don’t have advocates. Bm have not developed infrastructures or created a social system that elevates & protects bw & children. We (bw) literally have to fight/ be assertive/aggressive what ever you want to call it to protect ourselves our children and community on a daily. Look at the collective increase of negativity and hostility towards bw & children. Men who are not defeated will not allow this to happen.

    So this is what bm need to know about black women. I am assertive/aggressive by default and not by choice if I want to survive. My fortitude & resilience are my psychological buffers. Set me up in a system of privilege and I to can be at ease and relax.

  • alldawg

    All i said was submission was to agree, so dont try to spin it into some color purple movie narrative..

    How you got

    “-They want someone who they can control and who will make them feel like something when they aren’t really.-”

    out of me saying submission means to agree is more telling of prejudices you have toward any man who as standards about a woman he wants to date…

    Why are you complaining about the men who want a submissive woman when they are not checking for you…plain and simple..

    I have yet to read any post by a man, or in any magazine by a man describe submission in the same manner as these woman on here describe it…

    SMH

  • fuchsia

    Being submissive is so easy though. It’s choosing your battles wisely and not picking fights about every single thing as if you are in the most regrettable relationship of your life. Our relationships and marriages are not arranged so there is no need to bend or break yourself to be submissive. You are either with the person you choose to be with or you are alone. He respects your opinions as much as YOU respect your opinions. If he doesn’t respect your opinions then there is no need wasting your time in a fruitless relationship. We are free to bounce. Be choosy and actually get to know each other before committing and things are a lot easier down the line.

  • Isis

    Lol I’m gonna sit this one out, I’ve made enough enemies on clutch lmaoo. Just gonna sit back and watch the fireworks. Poor Anthony Hamilton lmaooo

  • I`am Not MADD

    WHAT A DAY!!!. Put another way Date a thug and you get thug love.Goodnight And
    Tomorrow pick up a copy off “is Marriage for White People”.

  • CD86

    Being submissive doesn’t mean to agree. The same way the word co-sign is used to mean agree when it doesn’t.

    Color Purple narrative? Ha! I’ve never seen that movie before, so I do not know what that statement is supposed to mean.

    How do you know those men aren’t ‘checking’ for me? We can’t see the full spectrum of someone’s personality right away. A person could date someone and THEN see their true colors afterwards.

    I can complain about whatever I want. It’s the same way men claim all women want to date men who are jerks or ‘bad boys’.

    “I have yet to read any post by a man, or in any magazine by a man describe submission in the same manner as these woman on here describe it…” – Well, maybe you need to expand the material you are reading. Just because you haven’t read it, it doesn’t mean it hasn’t been said or written.

    I am using the dictionary definition of what the word submissive means. As you can see the definition is: [Ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive.] So, like I said – Men want to date women who they can control.

  • HuesofHoney

    It’s a little bit of an assumption that all black women are aggressive. So, let me add to the confusion…lol I don’t think black men have really given black women a reason to put down their guard down. You guys must admit you come with alot of baggage and we sometimes have our own.

    But, I Love that Anthony Hamiltons Voice! Congrats on the new baby!

  • QON

    @akosua

    Do me a favor and dont speak for me as a black woman. Dont talk about what black men have and havent done for me therefore making me more likely to bite someone head off. You have to give that excuse a rest. I’ve heard it before, black women are mean because we have to be mean. Really? Do we have to be so mean to our children, other black women, non black people?

    I remember watching a video on YouTube of a Hispanic man who was a server at a restaurant and was asking the question why were black women so unnecessarily mean to him while on his job? Please tell me what spaces and infrastructure did black men not create that would make so many black women go into this Hispanic man’s restaurant with the kinds of attitudes that seemed universal that he would take his question on You Tube? Some black women are just bullies.

  • QON

    Sometimes it isnt about a black woman being submissive but about black women just carrying themselves like ladies. If you carry yourself like a lady the “submission” part would be a forgone conclusion.

  • Vee!

    Uh-oh, with the ‘S’-word. …they way I’ve been raised by my parents (ESPECIALLY by my dad) shows me that to submit is to feel comfortable doing whatever your partner needs from you. My daddy taught me, too, that this IS not and should not be automatic. You earn that type of devotion, just as you earn trust, because at the end of the day, putting that type of commitment into a person IS to trust–trust that your partner respects you, is not aiming to control you, and has your best interests at heart as well as his own. I love Anthony Hamilton as an artist, but to imply that men deserve submission simply BECAUSE they are men is insane. Just like all men don’t deserve a woman’s *goodies*, nor her children, nor a second date, the requirement for submission is more than the possession of a penis.

    Secondly, submission =/= cordiality. Of course to even be approachable, you can’t be an asshole, but the fact is that assholes come in ALL shapes, sizes, classes AND sexes. I know quite a few Black men who are mean to women as a rule (more these than shrewish Black woman–just my life observations) and it’s “totally hip” and “cool”; no one condemns them. If we are going to name THE problem w/ Black Love, we can’t point fingers at women; that’s inaccurate because the issues are spread far and wide.

    Heartbreak does not excuse being rude and disrespectful to ANYONE simply because of their sex, so to those who excuse the women who are out of order, shame on you!…But to those who say that all women are angry, please, show me the “all”! Because that stereotype does not represent my mother, my sisters, my aunties or my friends.

    When you date, you are dating an individual and not an entire demographic. So judge accordingly and remember the Golden Rule: You are who you date!

  • D-Chubb

    @alldawg. Really the name says it doesn’t it?

    Two things. First, If the dictionary says a word means something, that’s what it means in Standard American English. You’re the only one trying to say that “submit” doesn’t mean what it actually does. Second, if you dislike the types of women on this blog in your personal life, why are you engaging us here? Be the troll that you are and go crawl back under your rock.

  • QON

    @Veee

    Her children? Are they her property now? Children dont belong to one parent and if you disagree than you should be against child support from non custodial parents.

    Women are being a bit inconsistent. We like to give men all manner of things but when it comes to submission we have to be extra picky? It sends the wrong message. Dont be having sex with a man share an apartment with a man have a baby with a man but stopm your feet when it comes to submitting.

  • African Mami

    I like it! It’s HIS definition. Do I agree with it, to some extent. I will be honest and say that I have a problem with the submission part.

  • alldawg

    @ d-chubb

    If the dictionary says a word means something, that’s what it means in Standard American English

    If a man says make me a sandwich, the woman will either agree to do it or disagree with the request…SIMPLE as that…

    Second, if you dislike the types of women on this blog in your personal life, why are you engaging us here?

    Im not looking to score, or get a date with anyone on the site that may be your goal but it is not mine.

    Be the troll that you are and go crawl back under your rock.
    This comment is so cliché you get 0 points for originality..

  • alldawg

    @D-chubb

    Since you want to use books as a reference.

    In what context is Anthony Hamilton referring submission to? Is it the dictionary or is it biblical?

    My bet is biblical, and may be referring to: Colossians 3:18 or I Peter 3:1-7

    Him being a Christian I’m willing to say he means it along those lines, not the out of context definitions coming from a quick online search.

    Using the word submissive out of context is like using other words out of context such as segregation, prejudice, discrimination etc..These words aren’t bad by definition but when you add descriptive narratives and adjectives to it of course that noun will sound repugnant…
    Speaking of rocks, they make good foundations..unlike the house you build on the sand…

  • Are You Serious Bro

    alldawg
    DECEMBER 16, 2011 AT 3:03 PM
    submissive simply means to agree….

    on a side note, im surprised some of these women on here are not protesting the submit button to post a comment…

    ——————————————————

    If this comment did not make you at least chuckle, you have no sense of humor. The submit button will never be the same again lol.

  • http://LesBoom.Tumblr.com LesBoom

    CurlySue you said EVERYTHING!

  • Chnyere

    “We love the soft side of a woman, the submissive side…A man has to make you comfortable enough to show that side so you don’t have to be so defensive”

    Don’t all men want that, does a man need to be able to be comfortable and not so defensive. No of course not because society doesn’t expect that.

  • Chnyere

    actually, it just wasn’t funny …fail

  • Vee!

    @QON

    To clarify: by “her children” I meant women shouldn’t have kids with any ol’ dude. I was not implying that the children a woman has are hers alone.

    My point was that submission–defined liberally or not–as well as kids, sexual relations, leases and etc.should all be considered “sacred” and not shared with just any guy. It’s backwards to say “many women are quick to commit kids and finances to many men, so they should put all their faith in them too” as opposed to “just as women should choose wisely who they allow to lead them, they should, too, be picky about whom they bed/co-parent/financially commit to”–so I hope your point was rhetorical…

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