Newsflash: All Women Aren’t In A Rush To Get Married and Make Babies
Recently, Kelly Rowland snagged the January 2012 cover of Marie Claire UK. In the feature article, the interviewer asked Kelly if she feels pressured to settle down and have some babies now that her superstar bestie, Beyonce, is expecting her first child.
Kelly, who’s been all about her career lately, says she’d like kids one day…just not now.
“No. I will babysit and change a diaper or two, and then give it back,” Kelly said of Bey’s baby. “I do want kids, but every time I think about a little person growing inside of me and getting bigger and bigger and then having to come out…. a watermelon coming out of something the size of a lemon is insane to me.”
What I found most interesting about this interview excerpt was not Kelly’s apprehension about childbirth, but rather the interviewer’s assumption that most women–no matter how focused on their careers–ultimately want to be mothers and wives.
I get it. Since we are born women are taught that we are nurtures and socialized to be mothers. We’re often tasked with taking care of younger siblings or cousins, helping out with housework, and grow up hearing stories that one day our prince will come.
However, while many of us do want to get married and start families, these days, most of us just want to live and build our lives before we settle down. And yet…most women–famous or not–are STILL hit with the “so…when are you going to get married and have babies?” question. I don’t hear people constantly asking Kanye West or Trey Songz if they want to settle down anytime soon. No, they get to focus on their careers, but women must always contend with the question.
But…why won’t people just let us be great?
Talk to me Clutchettes. Have you been asked when you’re going to settle down?
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I thought this feeling was just me. When I was little, I wanted a husband, 4 kids and a big house in the suburbs. Then in high school, it was a career, husband, 3 kids and a house in the city. Now I’m 20 and a college student and I don’t want to get married or have kids till my late 30s. Why would I purposely put myself in such stress? Even my stay-at-home mom said that if she had to do it all over again she would pursue her accounting career and only have 2 kids instead of 5.
There has been no pressure from my family to get married since most of them didn’t get married until later.
Here! Here! I am 28 and have been with my BF forever. I am not sure I want to live together let alone take on the burden of being a wife and mother… GIVE US FREE!
I work a 9-5, Run a company on the side and have a full life of friends, God Children and Fuzzy four legged beasts and at the point in my life Im not looking to chain myself til death or broken hearted do us part to ANYONE.
Thank you
What perplexes me is when guys “fall-out” almost when I tell them I’m childless. I get statements like “you’re of the 1% or what are you waiting on??”
I laugh because I understand the surprise but it’s still a bit disturbing…
Anyway, I don’t want children nor a husband. I just want to be with someone who shares a common denominator with me and just let life happen. You can’t predict these things like marriage/babies and attach to your age as to when it “supposed” to happen.
The term is child-free. Child-less is negative and implies that you WANT children.
Have you ever seen someone ask a single hoodrat when are they gonna’ have kids???
You know why they want you to have kids. Cause believe it or not…people recognize good character and good natured aka/good parents. And most thinking women who can’t afford or are not ready for children are THINKING…not just poping them out and hoping for best.
It is not because they think you need a man, cause most women are used to bringing up children w/o men. But they forget that the economic conditions have changed. It is not the 80s when you could just be a single parent/or young married couple.. and still go to school, work full time while raising a family (who would do that in their right mind—I don’t know. But it has been done)
Most young women who do not have kids are; minding their own business. Even if they are not in school or are completely lost—they have enough sense to know that a salary check is not going to cut it. Child-free women are in college and see how damn competitive it is and know that this B.A. is not going to cut it (unless it is in math, finance or science) many women see that the marriage and child gig is just not for them—and honey—–IT IS OK!
Just know that people are so conditioned in their conditioning that they don’t know that they are rude and stupid for not thinking. Don’t take it personal.
please lets stop the bull, if you want kids, you will be in a RUSH at some point, cause unlike men we can have babies past a certain age. I m 31 and i hope my relationship with my boo leads to marriage so that I can pop out 1 or 2 kids in the next few years and I am a “relationship” girl so I want to be with 1 person and build a life. Double income is sweet, it’s sweet having a partner to tackle this life with, it’s nice that someone wake up and go shovel the snow while you make breakfast, it’s nice that someone is there to help you carry the groceries in, it’s nice to have someone hold down the bills should you find yourself out of work. it’s nice to take a trip with a MAN and not with your girlfriends all the time! hello! it’s nice to have someone to come home to and talk about your day, it’s nice to have a A GOOD HUSBAND. Somebody betta say Amen!
I always end up disagreeing with this argument.What’s being REAL anyway? I don’t think anyone should rush to find a husband just to have kids. Why rush your own life for someone else? I hate that logic.Seems a bit desperate. There are women everywhere who have babies past a certain age. If it’s meant to be, it will be. I don’t use these words often, but they apply here.
Um, men can’t produce viable sperm after their thirties too. Flawed argument is inherently flawed.
Also, this article is specifically for people who don’t want or need a husband or kids. Your archaic thinking is not convincing anyone. It’s actually rather rude and annoying…
We weren’t meant to go through this life alone. period. Most cultures get it. some individuals try to fight it. Resistance is futile
are you guys ( first 2 responses)really seriously comparing the decline of men’s productivity to women? really? it’s not the same, fine me a daddy to be that was classified as “high risk” because he was over 35. All i know is this site is catered toward black women, and i m saying “sour grapes”, cause i see you at the job looking good in your louboutin heels but single as a mofo, having dinner and brunch with the girlfriends all the danm time, a coalition of black women celebrating their birthdays year after year at fabulous restaurants with each other, taking trips with your girlfriends year after year, freezing their eggs when things start getting real, some are even doing in vitro. I m with you sisters! we do it out of necessity because it’s hard for us to find viable equally yolked mates. But don’t start acting like this is glamourous, how many girlfriend bday dinners can you have ??? How many sorority events can you go to before saying i need some testosterone in your life?? i do hang out with my girls too don’t get me wrong, i have a a very strong circle of women who i call my sisters, my friends, but most of us understand what it is, many are married, we make time for each other but put our relationships/families first. So while a small percentage of you really mean this “single and happy” statement, the majority are bluffing… instead of facing it.
Jersey, I feel ya. I probably could have written this article 10 years ago, but yeah, things change. Not saying everyone is going to make that change (I have plenty of 30-something friends who still don’t care about marriage and are child-free), but it’s kinda funny when I see how adamant some folks are about this when they’re 25… but the whole fabulous single life starts getting real old to them when they hit 30-something.
Yeah, I like my life with my husband a lot better. Looking forward to popping out a few babies too… but that’s me. Everyone else can do them.
Jersey I totally agree with what you are saying and actually I look at it in terms of race. I always look at things that way because I’m trying to keep it real!!! The more black people that have this idea will lessen the birth rate of the black race! At least thats how I see it and if you don’t agree well no problem. Other races are getting married and having families so why are we finding it so hard to do!!!!
did they actually have the nerve to ask why men don’t get asked when they’re gonna have some kids? um…men’s sperm doesn’t dry the hell up at a certain age like women. DUH! did someone fail health class?
i know so many women on here wanna be complete equals to men in everything but guess what? they don’t have a healthy time to have children nor do their children resources disappear over time. we’re not men and we never will be.. GET OVER IT!
my gosh some people in this thread seem so bitter and cranky. enjoy being alone then since you apparently hate men and children and wanna “do me” and feel life is better alone. sheesh!
@chanela
First of all… you failed health class, this I’m certain of. Men have LESS sperm and LESS viable sperm (aka not deformed or compromised motility-wise) when they hit their forties (which is five years after the decline of female fertility). They expire at a later date than women, but they are not immune to the destruction of their fertility. Look it up. or better yet:
http://menshealth.about.com/od/conditions/a/Age_fertility.htm
http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/content/11/3/558.full.pdf
For both cases it does not mean they cannot have children. It’s just extremely rare. See the 70 year old woman who gave birth.
Second. Define to me how bitter and cranky some are. No seriously, copy comments that are the zenith of what you describe as vitriol. Do you even know what those words mean or are you just going to apply that to any woman who doesn’t agree with you? I can respect your want of a man and not call you an ignorant shadow of a moronic piece. How is it so hard to do the reverse? We get it. You don’t believe the same thing. Alright. MOVE ON. GET OVER IT. Honestly, who are you trying to convince? You’re not even right half right in your assumptions D: I don’t get your bitterness… and your aim to categorize the opposition as one collective. -__- I’m just actually going to do the same to you.
yes they have less sperm but do they go to a menopause? NO! they have less sperm but you still have 70 year old men getting young chicks pregnant. like you said a LATER DATE! so obviously people are gonna ask women who are in the perfect window to have kids if they are gonna have them. do you ever see people asking a 40 or 50 year old woman “any kids anytime soon?” NO because its obvious that its not too common to do that because of medical reasons and complications that can occur.
i’m not gonna do a homework assignment for you! lol i know everybody doesnt want kids i’m kinda aware of that. i just find it interesting how some people are soo sour over it that they act like its a damn crime to want a husband and kids and to cook (go see that cooking article). i know most people on here are hardcore feminists and think everything is sexist but DAMN!
im sure its best for women who are self centered and with horrible attitudes to stay alone. its nature’s way i guess.lol less kids and husbands being neglected
@chanela
You clearly… didn’t read the first link… at all. There’s not a friggin gaggle of 70 year old men having kids. You know there isn’t. I’m so positive this is coming out of your arse I can still see the sh*t stains. Also, cool fact. Men who have kids when they’re super old, tend to have less intelligent kids and more autistic kids.
“[..] i just find it interesting how some people are soo sour over it that they act like its a damn crime to want a husband and kids and to cook (go see that cooking article).[...]”
So because you can’t find any of these comment you’re talking about –because you KNOW you are making sh*t up– you went to the… Cooking Article. For someone who is convinced that all feminists are bitter, you seem to be representing most of it by referring to an article that took place weeks ago. Wow. Now I’m going to type it slowly. Where. In. Anyone’s. Comments. Did. We. Refer. To. The. Sexist. Feminist. Or. Otherwise compromising nature. Of. The. Male. Sex. Hell, I’ll even indulge you. Find them on that cooking article (I will save you the time since you hate homework: There are none. Tons of comments about men hating/loathing women and feminists though). Admit it you are just starting trouble because you are bitter and wrong. But mostly bitter. *~Ad-hoooommmmenimmmm~*
“im sure its best for women who are self centered and with horrible attitudes to stay alone. its nature’s way i guess.lol less kids and husbands being neglected”
I’m sure it’s best for women who are short-sighted with belligerent attitudes to get married and pregnant. Those jails need new blood and divorces stimulate the economy! Also y’know, AIDS is having a sh*tty time this year. Monogamous Black women I’m looking at you. Let’s bring trust-breaking sickness back!
And I’m done. I have already proven everything I needed to. Have a wonderful day dear! Hopefully next time we can be on the same side of the fence.
my god! timcampi is ALWAYS the one to shut it down!!! too bad that its not that serious tho : (
btw i never said that all feminists were bitter. i said that i realize that some people on here are hardcore with it and demonize pretty much anything thats “traditional gender roles”. even cooking for your family is seen as the patriarchy putting women down. chill out!
nobody is gonna listen to you “go and find me a comment that says__” uhh.. NO! you have no authority over me and just because i’m not gonna do your little homework assignment doesn’t mean that i couldn’t find a comment. i have a life ya know.
and when i mentioned the word bitter it was because when i first saw the article and the comments i was shocked at how negative people were being towards people who want to get married and have kids. especially towards the kids
nothing wrong with not wanting kids. i was in the boat STRONGLY for a while but now i want to have a family of my own and have my life mean something (to ME). there is no reason to call folks names and unintelligent and go all nuts. its really not that serious nobody was attacking you personally.
@chanela
Just go to your corner and sit down already. Sitting here, embarrassing yourself by
using women’s plumbing as an excuse to justify why they should be harassed, when you’re a woman your damn self. And now you’re trying to backtrack and explain yourself, when we all read your initial comment . . . The damage is done. Keep it moving.
@jerseyvixen
Uh 18. So… um… yeah. Just because you don’t have a husband doesn’t mean you don’t have a boyfriend (which I do). Also you’re assuming I have bitchy black girlfriends. I don’t. Also you’re assuming that all of us are straight. Some gay couples choose not to procreate and some CAN’T get married. Cohabitation is a thing you guys. Not to mention 50% of marriages end in divorce, so we’re all single for MOST of our lives anyway. So many things wrong with your assumptions… You’re right, most people do want to get married or have children. There exists a percentage that doesn’t or is ambivalent. Accept it and grow up.
http://www.unmarried.org/statistics.html
http://singularcity.com/can-single-women-live-together-under-one-roof/
http://articles.cnn.com/2010-08-19/living/single.in.america_1_single-fathers-single-mothers-single-parents?_s=PM:LIVING
http://www.secondact.com/2011/11/shared-housing-results-in-more-golden-girls-households/
http://www.letlifein.com/articles/aging-and-living-with-friends/
I await your ill thought out retort.
@jerseyvixen
[comment didn't go through, rewording]
Uh 18. So… um… yeah. Just because you don’t have a husband doesn’t mean you don’t have a boyfriend (which I do). Also you’re assuming I have catty black girlfriends. I don’t. Also you’re assuming that all of us are straight. Also some gay couples choose not to procreate and some CAN’T get married. Also cohabitation is a thing you guys. Also 50% of marriages end in divorce, so we’re all single for MOST of our lives anyway. Also, also, also, also, also: sooooo many things wrong with your assumptions…
You’re right, most people do want to get married or have children. There exists a percentage that doesn’t or is ambivalent. Accept it and grow up:
http://www.unmarried.org/statistics.html
http://singularcity.com/can-single-women-live-together-under-one-roof/
I await your ill thought out retort.
More anecdotes and stats!
http://articles.cnn.com/2010-08-19/living/single.in.america_1_single-fathers-single-mothers-single-parents?_s=PM:LIVING
http://www.secondact.com/2011/11/shared-housing-results-in-more-golden-girls-households/
http://www.letlifein.com/articles/aging-and-living-with-friends/
@timcampi. once again, you come correct. thank you for what you provide though at times, ever few they are, we dont agree.
the latest ignorance on this thread is…..laughable at best. why do people want you to live their life/dreams/fantasies? education is so important
unmarried.org is an organization ive supported for some time now.
@Tincampi Agreed indeed!
@jerseyvixen Serious as all get out!! Who said we are going through life alone??? 0_o Because it’s not a husband and rugrats means we are alone? I learn something new everyday….. I don’t believe ALL WOMEN want that. Point. Blank. Peiod. Idk how many functions you have attended and grew tired of, but this is what life is about to me! I LOOOOOVE birthday parties even more than these made up commercialized holidays that dictate what your supposed to eat, get, and celebrate! SOOOO FAKE! I like to celibrate individuality, success, and life. I have always had the same sense of self and what I wanted out of life, which never included children or husband. I am blessed to have shared great friendships with both men and women alike. Also, that is where we differ. YOU put relationships/family first, while that is not even in my top five. Not a priority or valued much to me. A companion is ok if I decide that’s what I want every now and then, but friendships, laughter and love is what does it for me.
@Chanela…Who’s that angry? I haven’t seen not one comment that sounded bitter from the single ladies on here. Actually, it seems as though those who are advocates for marriage and kids being the end all, be all are the ones who seem like they envy us for not wanting that type of committed lifestyle! THAT IS NOT A DESIRED LIFESTYLE FOR US>>>GET OVER IT!
@the blackbelle Yeah we envy you for real… enjoy the circle of sisters koumbaya birthday parties honey…They can be so riveting.
@timcampi …. meh.
@jerseyvixen
Lol, you’re assuming our friends are mostly female. I personally have twice as many heterosexual/bi (unfortunately no openly gay) guy friends as I do girl friends (8 to 4). You mad? I envy you and chanela… your combined abilities to place stereotypes and caricatures on people that disagree with you is quite astounding. Let me actually give it a try.
So, um women who get married are clearly dumb because 50% of marriages end in divorce. And don’t get me started on their blind need to marry ANYONE. Heck, I saw a gaggle of them at the Correction’s Center last week. These women are so thirsty for love they’d bed a murderer. Pregnancy makes you fat and no one will want you or your used vag anymore. That must be why men cheat. That must be why the divorce rate is so high. I mean it makes sense: men of color are more likely to cheat on their spouses (more than once), so are the women!
Everyone’s a cad or a harlot and many of these women can’t take care of a career let alone kids! Most of them are unfit mothers because 1% of them end up as psychopaths! You never see that kind of ish with childless couples! How irresponsible it is to let these women breed murderers, drug dealers and ne’erdowells. Haha oh gosh besides that they’re freaking desperate.You can find these thirsty women at the latest Tyler Perry movie with a bible in one hand and weeding vows in another. They’re serial commitment junkies. When they’re not lecturing others about getting a man, they’re busy occupying the lonely bitter b*tch zone all by themselves.
Married women are also no fun at any event ever. It’s just the law. That’s why we keep them in the kitchen. And that sh*t about equality? Nah eff that. From now on I don’t want to see any woman with a job, a voice, or an unflinching view of her unique status in life. Seriously. Let’s bring the Victorian Era back. Did I here someone say honor-killings? You women keep forgetting the reason you’re allowed to use the internet is because some woman fought for your right to speak. Let’s see how you feel after a few decades without it.
Wow, given all these baseless assumptions it’s no wonder why black men don’t want to marry black women even though 84% do. Ahaha I mean really, if I were them, I’d just go gay. It’s not like black women would care either way, all the want is that damn ring. The homo-thug should totally be a thing by now. Oh wait. It already is.
oh shit son! i almost think you werent being facetious.
@damidwif
Ahaha thank you! I almost believed all of that at one point. If there is ever a time where we disagree on some issues, please come at me hard! I like being proven wrong (WITH SUM MUTHAFOCKIN FACTS) and changing my views. This is a place where we can share and change perceptions. I’m no stranger to being wrong and I will definitely admit it when I am. I will apologize graciously and wish you a happy life.
@jerseyvixen… I never said it was a sister circle. Friend is a unisex noun last time I checked. But have fun being locked down with ur husband and kids dear. I will continue life with “nobody” “dry up” and be “alone” and “bitter” while I “do me”. lol. I’m so over you.Goodbye and goodnight!
I don’t even want babies and my bf has turned me off from marriage, possibly forever.
I am only 21 and often pressured by WOMEN my age sometimes older to have babies…but not to get married. Women today kill me. They are so in a rush to have babies like it’s going out of style but don’t seem to want to do it they way it SHOULD be done….marriage first. Sorry but I refuse to join this sick bunch.
the thing that kills me the most is women that have 2 and 3 kids by a man and they would say ” i’m not ready for marriage. that’s too much commitment” or “getting married is way too much responsibility”…….. and having 1 or more kids and living with the man isn’t? WTH!! lol
Marriage and children are just not for everyone. Life is not a one size fits all thing. My motto live and let live sheesh LOL.
i know! as much as people like to say ‘Live and let live’ (@Vee) No one ever says “Dagnamit!! She got educated, dated, married and had a kid! She’s making poor life choices!!!” There may be different ways to do things but some of them are just right.
Lol , a lot of these comments . I am 24 , and constantly get asked when I am getting married and having kids . I have this one old man at my job , who I see , every so often ask me everytime he sees me am I married with kids yet . I told him that I am single and not ready to be wife or mother yet and that when I do get married/expecting he will be the first person to know ….not my mother , bff or husband . I agree that any woman that doesn’t assume the traditional route of having a kid by a certain age , it is considered wierd . I think especaily with black women , we have kids really young so by the time that you are 21 you have a four or five year . Almost all my friends from high school (class of 2005) have kids by now . I enjoy my freedom and have a baby nephew who is a handful and whenever I am feeling maternal ; I could babysit and return him when I am finished lol ……
i’m 28, in grad school, no job, live at home, don’t drive. If I don’t get my life together first I will feel like I have failed. There is no room for relationships or marriages in my life and in my heart.
My situation is similar, except I am 25.
The interviewer only asked because of her relationship with Beyonce, not because of the ignorance of mankind towards women. The question of becoming a mother/settling down/getting married (even though it will most likely end in divorce, since monogamy is apparently a myth nowadays) is still legitimate. Look at all the women having babies. Celebrities, your friends, and the random women who have bellies swollen with child that you see in the streets. Old acquaintances that friended you on Facebook who are suddenly posting 20 albums of their newborns…. The point is that society is well aware that women are waiting later to have children or marry, and I don’t see why there is suddenly a stigma around this innocent question. Kelly is an attractive, reasonably educated, and relatively successful woman. If anything, the question and her answer confirm studies that show that women focused on their education/careers are less likely to date/marry/mother children early in life if at all.
The number of kids I’d love to have have been decreasing as my age increases. I’d still like to do a Jolie.
I understand that marriage and children is not for everyone, however I don’t like it when women especially black women try to make the women that do aspire to have a family seem like their way of thinking is primitive or old fashioned. I can see all points of view here however the majority of women I know want to be married and have children ( keywords “women I know”). Yes having friends is fine and being a social butterfly can be fun. But I know myself and I’m not going to say “Oh I’m independent I don’t want to be tied down Blah Blah Blah” I want to love and be loved, I want to enjoy producing life nad nuturing that life into adulthood with a man ( or for some others a woman) that I love. I want to have my grandkids visit me when I’m old. I want to grow old with the man I adore. To some this may seem like a fairytale but I’ve have seen people live out this “fairytale” and I know its real. I don’t feel like I’m on a time schedule and I’m not rushing it but to deny that a want it is fake and phoney. You really only see articles like this on website geared toward black woman to make us think that we can’t have a career and a family like we have to choose one. That’s not fair and it a screwed up way of thinking. And as far as having the ability to reproduce the majority of women have a cut off date and the majority of men don’t. point blank. I’m a nurse and I know this to be a fact. Yes you do have reports of women who are up in age having children but any knowledgable OB/GYN will tell you the prime ages for reproducing and reducing your chances of a high risk pregnancy is before the age of 35. So to all you ” Single and proud Sister souljahs” I’m not knocking your lifestyle, wants and needs so don’t try to knock the desires of other woman who do want a family because there’s nothing old fashioned about that.
thk u good comment…
oh wow at these comments!
if you comment after me, please give the above a read.
wow. that was really intense.
I just happen to come across this site, since it was link by another “negro” (brain dead African, “The Root” to be specific) site. It’s amazing to me that so many Black people are being bamboozled. For a group of women who believe and have been told that they are so smart you surely have forgotten your natural function.Nevertheless, I am a 39 years old Black male. I wish to politely make it clear to you ladies that it is good to be picky but hope and work at being selected by the right man. That right man should be race oriented. Yup, a man that is about creating a society that will not have Black women inadequate about their woman hood, a man who will work on creating a society that will promote and institutionalize optimal functioning of Black female and men. Also, do not look at your marriage as a individual choice, this is a major problem in our community. I can go on and on but I would like to end on this note. Women are fertile for only a certain amount of years, the ages of 30-35 are best. Be on the look out for Black man who are at least 35 and have a trade, career or his own business and are not white identified.
Marriage is no longer child-oriented…and that is the purpose of an Afrikan marriage. We involve ourselves in relationships which are not for the nation, not for the community…not for the collective. An Afrikan-centered relationship should benefit the community. We must have standards. We are so used to living in this society that does not hold any accountable. The worst thing to tell an Afrikan person is to “go for self” of “do whatever makes you happy”.
~Mama Marimba Ani
Meh, I don’t care to be a breeder for a community that doesn’t have an interest in the children or their women.
Waxing poetic about ‘community’ is a day late and a dollar short…