Better to Be Friends or Immediately Go for the Relationship?
I used to be one of those women. You know, the kind that would trade their left hand just to have steady commitment and security in their love lives. I wanted a relationship, badly. And I put up with a lot of unnecessary frustration trying to mold some of my lovers into potential long-term beaus. But here and now, I don’t even recognize myself. The old monogamy-craving, relationship-thirsty me is gone, and a free-loving young woman has stolen her body. I just want to be friends.
This all started in my last year of college after I had recovered from a three-year relationship, promiscuous (exciting) single sex life, and a non-relationship heartbreak. I began to assess my life, realizing that I was about to have my degree, officially start my career, and didn’t even have someone fully committed to holding me down emotionally, physically, and spiritually. What I had were friends. What I wanted was a boyfriend, soon-to-be fiancé, and eventual husband. But it just wasn’t happening.
I was unhappy. I was working a full-time job that I hated. I got laid off. I got another full-time job that was much better but not catering enough to my passion. I quit. I focused on writing full-time. I moved back home to New Jersey for the summer. I packed my things. I moved to Brasil. I explored new cultures. I picked up another language. I sat on the beach. I watched sunsets. I met people. I gained wisdom. And finally, I found myself. I met Arielle at her purest essence, stripped of insecurities, stress, and unhappiness.
The result? I didn’t need anyone to hold me down emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I was already grounded. And thus, anyone new that I met was just an extra gift, the whipped cream on top of the hot chocolate. My life is sweet, and I can make it sweeter. But he is not a required ingredient. Rather, he’s an extra smile, laugh, hug, and kiss. I accept the men in my life for who they are and any positive role that they want to play in my life.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s better to be friends than immediately rush into a relationship. I’ve gotten to know some of my lovers better than their ex-girlfriends because the “façade” that we, as humans, often present as partners hasn’t been there. We show up at each date, conversation, or lovemaking session with our authentic selves. I’ve seen the insecurities, frustrations, anger, and vulnerability in the same way that I experience my best female friends. I’ve also seen the growth, transformation, happiness, and excitement as we go through life. And while I used to have a “cut off” rule of refusing to speak to a man after a year if he still wasn’t interested in a relationship. I now realize that most people don’t even show their true selves until after a year or two or three, so we often commit to their “representatives.”
I see relationships as exciting possibilities, not life or death priorities. I’m focused on building with my lovers, individually, rather than attempting to box them into some role in my life that they may not be ready to fulfill. In the same way, they’ve shown me the same respect, particularly as I continue this journey of traveling, growing, and laying a strong foundation for my career.
Perhaps more men and women should consider being friends for an extended period of time instead of immediately going for a relationship. Building deeper connections without any expectations or requirements might end up giving us the healthy, honest, and transparent relationships that we all deserve.
What say you, Clutchettes?
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Loved this post!!!
i definitely agree. it’s a shame that our culture is so impatient when it comes to dating/sex/relationships overall.
It’s so true. Whenever Black men on the street approach me, they never ask me my name or tell me theirs. The first thing they may ask is if I am single, which tells me they only care to know because they want to know how soon they can ‘get some’.
@CD86
How does asking if you are single translate into wanting to know how soon they can “get some?” If anything, why don’t you view that as a sign of respect for you and your partner, if you have one. Well, I guess that’s just how I take it when asked the same. It doesn’t offend me.
I love being a black woman, but I would hate to be a brotha. Can’t seem to win no matter what.
This article holds so dear and true to my heart. I’ve built such deep relationships with men that haven’t even had any sexual encounter with me. That bond most definitely builds a connection that women that leap for a quick relationship may never get to experience. It’s a beautiful thing. But then there’s the flip side to that. Having so many great relationships that never flourish into anything else but a friendship is frustrating as well. There’s a thin line between being content with the journey of traveling, growing, and career while having “friends”. When does not being content with having all of that become a frustration.
Nope! Not for me. If we are friends, I will NEVER date you nor be interested. Friendship for me represents absolutely no damn chemistry. So I’ll shoot straight to the “relationship” or whatever you might want to call it.
Perveted Alchemist, what say you bearing in mind I’m not as tall, but I’m not a dwarf either.
We can be friends, but not for too long.
Me personally, I think a strong friendship will cement a good relationship. I know I for one I have jumped into relationships too soon without really being friends with the person first. I like to hangout with the person on a platonic level before, I just sign up for something that I may not be ready for and him likewise.
for real, i’ve had the same experience with someone. we barely had anytime strictly as friends before we were bumping uglies and it ended disastrously.
This post was brilliant. All of the great and significant relationships in my life started as friendships that gave way to undeniable chemistry. The most important thing to remember is to always keep your femininity and that mysterious beauty that glows from the inside. (It’s like the playfulness of flirting without actually flirting.) You want to be set apart physically from a man’s male friends with the added benefit of an honest woman’s perspective. You become the person they love, trust and have fun with, then one day they realize that you are also the most beautiful woman they know. If love wasn’t a starting factor you see it grow first hand, and it’s special. Definitely takes patience and self respect. But for me it’s the best and most fulfilling.
Yes. To all of this.
A beautifully written response to a beautifully written article :)
I’d rather be friends first.
I have a male acquaintance who I have known for fifteen years now, who wants to date me. One conversation alone was enough for me to not ever consider him dating material.
1. He is predictable and always texts me with the same conversation pattern. He starts off with boring small talk and once he thinks he is in the clear, he starts up with his infamous, “When can I see?” question.
2. He was terminated from his last two jobs. He stated that both times it was because, “…They didn’t like me”.
3. He doesn’t know how to properly ask a woman out. Whenever he texts me, he asks me to hang out, but he never has any plans. I asked him what his idea of hanging out was. He said we could, “Chill, drink and smoke.” I told him that my idea of hanging out isn’t doing those things. Another time we talked, I informed him that I hate hanging around people’s houses and that I would much rather go out somewhere. He was like, “Oh, you want to go out or something?” as if it was shocking that when trying to date someone, you would at least try to not bring them to your house first.
4. He said he wouldn’t want his girlfriend to hang out with other men because there would be, “…too much sexual tension” and stated that his girlfriend could hang out with him and that, “no nigga would want their girlfriend hanging with another nigga.”
5. He frequently refers to women as ‘females’ even threw a few ‘bitches’ in there.
So, anyway. My point is this – How can one know these things about someone if they aren’t friends with them first? People could save themselves a lot of trouble by getting to know someone as a friend before having a romantic relationship with them. This is the reason I don’t respond to men on the street who say dumb shit like, “Hey miss, how you doing? Let me take you out to dinner” How about you try to know me first!
*Why won’t my comments post!
I agree but girl it took you 15 years to find all this out, we women dont have that time!
No, I didn’t 15 years. It took a few hours. Our contact is on and off.
[...] Better to Be Friends or Immediately Go for the Relationship? « Saying I Love You, Is A Relationship A Requirement? /* [...]
If a person cannot be a friend, in the truest sense of the word FIRST, then please tell me how they can be anything else?
Not friend as in friend zoned cause I feel nothing for you, there are those too LOL, but knowing there is a mutual attraction, shared chemistry and compatibility. You can enjoy one another as people and friends first, hnaging out, having fun, looking out for another and caring about each other’s well being building respect and trust in addition to……………….
I think it’s good to be friends first. Women spend so much of our post-teenage lives agonizing over the pursuit of relationships, but very often have few (if any) male friends. I know the platonic male-female relationship can have its difficulties, but how is it that so many of us want a man, but cannot find value in them as people outside of a relationship?
I support this post because this is the rule that I go by.
I understand some ppl’s attitude towards being friends by fearing the “friend zone” but I believe that as long as you stay true to yourselves and each other, your natural chemistry will bring you closer if it’s there.
I love this. I agree but not a year long as just friends
Arielle I don’t even know you personally but I love the posts that you write. You REALLLY help me with embracing my own sexuality. You’re a major help. You have no idea.
How about becoming friends while dating? Works for me.
I never say ‘just be friends’ because friendship takes work. It takes a willingness to be vulnerable and all that jazz. So yeah, I think if you’re operating in this mindset, all your romantic relationships should be preceded with a friendship.
I called myself being so hurt by this guy that I met when I was 19. I wanted a relationship and he didn’t. Somehow we actually have become friends throughout the years. He and I are pretty close, but we could never date. What I want from a romantic partner, he cannot offer (and sometimes those things do effect our friendship). So you really can learn a lot about someone in a friendship…
****
I will be keeping this as a reminder:
“I didn’t need anyone to hold me down emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I was already grounded.”
It’s tough to finally admit this but i too was that young woman willing to risk it all to be in a relationship. I have finally come into my own and embrace my singlehood, and feel I would rather establish a friendship rather than jump eyes wide shut into something with someone I hardly know. It takes a long time to really get to know who a person REALLY is, hell it takes some people a lifetime to learn things about themselves let alog someone else. GreatArticle!
girl, you did it with this piece. *standing ovation
“I accept the men in my life for who they are and any positive role that they want to play in my life.”
get off that damn wanna be married, wanna be booed up wanna be long-term and enjoy these men for what they are worth and what it is worth to you when and while it is worthy. live.
Being a young woman (in my early 20s); I admit that I’ve wanted the whole long term relationship; commitment thing. However; I’ve come to realize that most guys only want to “hook” up with me instead of getting to know me first. So I’ve decided to take time out to focus on myself, my career and my family. (Very good post)
Good on you! Put your energies into the right place, on bettering and furthering yourself. The rest will come in due course :)
DItto