There is a verse in the great text of Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth called the BIBLE that says, “Seek and ye shall find.” And no truer is this statement than as it applies to snooping through your man’s belongings, and personal gadgets. Many of us have been there at some point.  While he’s in the shower and he leaves his clothes in a dry heap on the floor, we spot his cell phone hanging out of his jogging pants pocket. Or when he forgot to log out of his email or Facebook account, curiosity strikes you like a lightning bolt and you contemplate, “should I go for it or not?” My only warning is that if you do, are you prepared to accept what you may find?

In the information era, and the advent of Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, Skype, LinkedIn, and other social media platforms that lay the foreground for making pretend and real friends, there is now more opportunity than ever to interact with a bevy of interesting people from around the world, and this can open the door for more temptation.

We’ve seen such instances of epic social media fails with fallen politicians time and time again. Newlywed, expectant father, and now disgraced New York Congressman Anthony Weiner was put on blast last year after his vociferous denial of any inappropriate exchanges with women on Twitter was discovered to have been false. He was caught exchanging explicit messages with an exotic dancer, and went so far as to sending one woman a ‘dick flick.’ Another married New York Congressman, Christopher Lee abruptly resigned from his position after photos of him posing shirtless in the mirror surfaced on a Craigslist dating service ad. We have heard the women’s view of this scenario time and time again also. My favorite Basketball Wife, Jennifer Williams, spoke openly about her incessant need to check her husbands phone and email and which led to subsequently discovering things that she didn’t want to see or find out. Jennifer Freeman, actress of My Wife and Kids fame who is married to NBA star Earl Watson, physically attacked her husband after discovering text messages from other women, resulting in the police being called and assault charges being filed against her.

Although I have been guilty of it also, the fact remains: if you have a hunch that there could be an issue, then it probably is.

However, if you go snooping and find an explicit picture or two, or a racy text message, or an email from an ex, is it automatically grounds for a break-up? How do you rectify the issue, or even bring it up, considering you found out about his wandering eye through unscrupulous means?

My rule of thumb in this situation, after having been the wife or the girlfriend who had all the passwords whether known or unbeknownst to my lovers, is that you should not violate your partner’s privacy without good cause.  Each time I have gotten my Sherlock Holmes on I found something I was not pleased with and it was only because I was looking for it!

There are always tell-tell signs when a man is hiding something (men are so easy to read when they are). When his regimen suddenly changes without forewarning—he procures a gym membership when this was not usually his modus operandi, he is wearing a new cologne and is hanging out with his boys more often and spending less time with you—something might just be up. If all of this is happening in addition to the fact that he holds onto his iPhone like it is a supplementary appendage, never letting it out of his sight, your suspicions may be right.

So what happens when you suspect something is up, but just can’t prove it?

These days I like to subscribe to the axiom that my Grandmother taught me long ago: “What doesn’t come out in the wash, will show up in the rinse.” So rather than look for evidence of an infraction in my relationship, I’d rather just let the natural order of things unravel, which saves a lot of unnecessary commotion, strife, and confusion in the meantime.

We all know that trust is the cornerstone of any relationship, and without it, you might as well call it quits or resign yourself to lifetime of heartache. But how well do we actually trust our partners to not even consider violating their privacy, and what actually constitutes a violation? Is trust limited in certain scenarios?

Is there anything that qualifies as a legitimate reason to snoop through your partner’s things?

  • girlformerlyknownasgrace

    Man the guy in the picture looks fine *yum*

  • http://www.womenaregamechangers.com Women Are Gamechangers

    NO. If you don’t trust the person or have any feelings that this person is trustworthy you need to re-evaluate the relationship. Many times we sense early in the relationship but we ignore our gut feeling for a number of reasons. The first time you have to consider snooping, it’s time to have a conversation with him and make decisions because that conversation will set the basis of your relationship from that point forward. Besides snooping is using extra energy towards something that will only upset you or frustrate you. Listen to your gut feeling, it doesn’t lie to you.

  • CaliDreaming86 (CD86)

    *Shrugs*

  • tina

    Sorry I’ve been guilty of this in my younger days, but I can say anytime I felt I needed to be snooping there usually was a problem so I really didn’t need to do so I just needed to have a conversation with my man. And that’s what I say if you feel things have changed we as women can usally tell when something is off in the relationship when our man has taken a turn away from us, behaving differently and instead of going through his things an honest conversation would probably be best.

    But I do understand some people are so dishonest you want proof so when he doesn’t tell the truth, but if you have to go that far I would say it tells you the fate of the relationship.

  • fuchsia

    Nope. That’s one thing I don’t do, because I don’t want anybody going through my things without permission. I think in this day and age if my man is constantly on Twitter, FB, or any other site, I expand my communication with him through those means as well. My presence should keep him busy on the web like it would off the web. If not then we have a communication issue, and that by itself leads to mistrust regardless of how it becomes obvious. I don’t need to snoop around to figure that out.

  • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

    ^^^^^This right chea!!!!!

  • Joan

    Been there. At some point, I asked myself why and what exactly I was gaining. I didn’t like how it looked (the image of myself rummaging through my man’s things) so I stopped. As far as I’m concerned, just being uncomfortable enough to think about snooping is a problem that can be dealt with without snooping.

  • http://thedaughterofafrika.blogspot.com/ African Mami

    Nope! I wouldn’t want dude snooping on me. Oh mi gosh, I would erupt like a volcanic mountain if ever I found out he was doing that! If I have a question mark, I’ll ask. If the answer is not satisfactory, I’ll just set a trap!

  • Trisha

    I snooped when my spirit was being nudged. Whenever your spirit is nudged something isn’t right. With my ex, he was such a liar that If I had not snooped then I would have never gotten the truth out of him. Eventhough, I felt as if something wasn’t right I had to go a step further to satisfy my mind. I am very thankful that I did because what I discovered was the straw that broke the camel’s back. You want to give your mate the benefit of the doubt. Once you do sometimes you just don’t want to believe what it in your spirit. So for me having that hard evidence was very beneficial. It is great knowing exactly what is going on. Truly in the end it is protecting yourself. Since I have time, I’ll share with you all exactly what that straw was.. We were in a restaurant and this chick walks by our table. The look she gave me was a look I wasn’t pleased with. So I asked my mate at the time, “Do you know this chick?” He says, “No, I don’t think I do.” Due to his line of work, this was believable. Since I am a strong believer in the other chick often times know who the main chick is, this situation just didn’t rest with my spirit. Plus it was a look of I have f*cked your man before or I am f*cking him now. After a couple of days passed, I decided to do some analytical research. Due to the information I found the relationship couldn’t possibly be restored. I could never trust him again. Within this situation, I have no regrets for snooping (analytical research). I also believe that what’s done in the dark will come to the light. Had we not ran into this chick in the resturant, I wouldn’t have done any research at all. Sometimes we do have to open our eyes, pay attention, and go a step further.

  • http://magistersthinktank2.blogspot.com Magister Veritatis(RNI)

    Most woman that feel the need to check their man’s email or cell phone is usually insecure. This issues has more to do with a woman second guessing her ability to keep a man interested and less to do with men being sneaky cheaters. I’ve been in long term relationships where there was no need to cheat. These women took care of business so I didn’t have to look elsewhere to have my needs met.

    It’s been my experience that women who snoop throughout their man’s property are usually the one’s lacking in certain area’s (e.g., looks, bedroom skills, domestic skills). And the funny thing about these women is that most of them know they’re lacking in those area’s but they think the dude should be happy with them.

    I think if a national poll was taken in which men were asked whether they were happy in their current relationships I’d wager more than half of all men would say they’re not satisfied with the woman they’re with. This is just the harsh reality most women want to avoid facing.

    So if you feel the need to sneak through your man’s items it says more about YOU and what you’re not doing, and less about what he “might” be doing.

    Insecure women are amusing…

  • Trisha

    You’re right. I was lacking in the bedroom area at the time. He wanted anal sex and found somebody that met his needs.

  • Educated educator

    I love how people pull out this Bible verse and try to use it to intimidate those who may snoop in their partners belongings. Please don’t belittle the Bible that way. You say if you look you shall find- not true. I will only find something if you are cheating. My husband can look all day through my things and won’t find any evidence of anything because I’m not cheating. And for those who say if I’m looking then I must be insecure- my answer to you is if I’m insecure what did he do to make me that way? See I will choose whether or not to be in this marriage but in order to choose wisely I must have all of the facts. I will not bury my head under the sand and pretend not to see whats going on,
    Finally, gentlemen please don’t blame me when you get caught. If I am lacking in some area then be man enough to walk away and find someone who can satisfy you. I’m ok with that. But don’t be imaature and try to have your cake and eat it too. Man up and leave if you are unhappy. The grass always looks greener on the other side- but your grass gets green when you water it correctly. Maybe you need to check your water supply!
    Yes I sometimes look through my husbands things as I’m sure he does mine. No shame there. We are married and whats his is mine- if I can’t see it then don’t bring it into my house where I pay half the bills, All my husband has to do to see my facebook page is go on my Ipad- no codes, no passwords nothing. Same thing with my email. My life is an open book, if your isn’t don’t get mad when I find a way to open it.

  • CaliDreaming86 (CD86)

    SMH.

  • Jinx Moneypenny

    I’ve never felt good about snooping, because there is always something you can find that will rub you the wrong way. I’ll pass.

  • anonymous.

    so relevant to my life today. i snooped, saw something that confirmed my suspicion and it gave me the strength i needed to ask for the truth sans mentioning i snooped.

    i do believe in the “if oyu’re looking for trouble, you’ll find it” but there are some signs that should not be ignored.

  • kissa

    @ Magister

    Your right!…Its too difficult to communicate his wants, needs and feelings to his partner…So instead he replaces her for another…That’s what I see as insecure..A cheating man is a weak man..

    *Communication
    *Compromise
    *trust

  • LemonNLime

    BAM, that’s it! I am not going to be snooping around, stressed out, and such over some man. If I feel like something is up, we have the conversation 1 time. 1 time. If trusting him becomes an issue, I’m O-U-T. Trust is THE most important thing to me in a relationship, if I can’t trust you then it is a waste of my time to be with you because I would always suspect you of something. So rather than stressing out, it’s just “on the the next one!” but I always make that clear from day 1.

  • oknow

    why does the man always blame the woman for insecurities? perhaps if a man did his job w/communicating w/his woman she would know what it is that he wants.. why does the woman always have to make the man happy? doesn’t it work both ways?

    men will always use the excuse if she took care of home.. BLOW MEEEEEE! Men need to grow up and understand what a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP is? you either want it or you don’t and if you are not happy w/her than leave her and give her the option to decide if she wants to be cheated on..

    also, women don’t snoop because they want to, they do it because they know their man is hiding something and won’t be a man about his and keep it real..

    if i got to be snooping then it’s time for you to go.. GOODBYE!

  • puhlease

    my cousin accidentally found out that her man was cheating, and then she started snooping from that one little thing she found and she found out he was leading a whole 2nd life w/other women..

    but according to some ppl (mainly men), she was insecure that was why she was snooping.. even though she found out that he’d been cheating w/multiple women?!

  • memphiskatiej

    This is BS! If I go looking, and you not doing anything questionable, the only thing I’ve found is… WHAT EXACTLY? Yeah, just like I thought, NOTHING. Women are out here getting dogged out and straight lied to with straight faces by their men. I don’t put anything past anybody. None of this, oh if you have suspicions then you need to talk to your man… I agree, but to a point. What do you do if you have that talk yall are advocating for, but he says nothing is going on, yet your gut instinct is telling you otherwise? Is the lady supposed to leave based off some instinct with no confirmation? The man has fingerprint and eye scanners just to get into his phone then separate locks on his messages and all the security measures Facebook can give, but she’s supposed to believe him when he says she’s the only one. PUHLEASEEEEEEE! Being naive is how you stay attached to some lying fool that then brings you home STDS and Viruses. I say, go looking if you need to. What you find may very well save your life!

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