Will You Take This Man—and His Last Name?
After two years together, The Man and I are in the early negotiations of happily ever after. You know, that contemplative what-if stage that places the relationship in front of a firing squad of questions about the possibility of spending the next 40, 50, 60 years together without accumulating a flipbook of mugshots or refusing to be buried next to each other.
Our biggest argument, up until recently, had been about where to live once we stroll the aisle. It’s the classic Philly vs. D.C. Showdown of the cities (and if it wasn’t classic before, it certainly is now). But a new argument reared its ugly head during a recent chat about my hopes of finishing (which means I’d actually have to start) my PhD. In the heat of my daydreaming, I took my would-be married name for a test drive.
“Dr. Janelle Harris-Williams.” I swooned like a giddy extra in the “Beauty School Dropout” scene of Grease. Boyfriend jutted his bottom jaw, something he does when he’s about to serve up a verbal smackdown.
“Harris-Williams!” he scoffed. “I think you mean Dr. Janelle Williams.”
Uhhh no. Pretty sure I meant the first one.
Seems he takes offense to the idea of me attaching his last name to the one I already have. The move, according to him, says I’m wishy washy about my commitment and is a flashing neon indicator that I’m not ready to leave my family and be a wife. I flagged him for being crazy. But when I introduced the subject for discussion on Facebook—hypothetically so as not to blow him out of the water—turns out plenty of folks from both genders side with his opinion. I didn’t tell him that, though.
There is no level-headed reason why a woman should have to abandon her family’s last name in order to prove her fidelity and allegiance to her man. None whatsoever. The concept is as archaic and patriarchal as, oh I don’t know, forgoing your dreams to be an apron-sporting housewife a la June Cleaver or pretending to be an airhead to appease your guy’s fragile ego.
According to The Knot, only 6 percent of newlywed women opted to hyphenate their names—the same number reported on the stats from the year before. So it’s not necessarily a fire-hot trend. I’m in a bit of a minority. Sooo what? I’ve worked hellishly to build up some steam in my career, so I have professional grounds to hold on to my original surname. Hey, if Eva Parker or Jada Smith had a new flick coming out, the crickets would be chirping and we’d gloss over them like they were as generic and nondescript as Jane Jones, right?
But add the “Longoria” and the “Pinkett,” respectively, the bells and whistles of familiarity go off and the general public might contemplate going to see the movie. Might. Just like they might be more interested in reading something Janelle Harris-Williams wrote as opposed to Janelle Williams. Not that I have legions of fans, but I don’t want to throw anybody off when they start thinking about congregating.
As women wait longer to get married—or take longer to find someone worth marrying—we’re already well-established in our work lives by the time our dream beau comes along. So it should be understandable that many of us don’t want the hassle of converting our longstanding professional identities. Email addresses, monogrammed attaches and all.
But that’s not even the most important thing. It’s the whole gender hierarchy of being the one forced to forfeit my name—the name I grew up with, the name I share with my mom, grandmother and daughter, the name I’ve had for 30-shut-yo-mouth years—to take on a completely different identity. On paper anyway. It’s my tribute to my grandfather and his people, particularly because my child and I are the last Harrises. We’re a family made largely of girls and the few male cousins I do have all have different surnames. So the Harris line dies off with us and I intend to hang on to the name as long as I possibly can.
Besides, what exactly what does a man have to give up in order to marry a woman? Fewer evenings at the nudie bar and neater housecleaning habits? Yet we’re expected to disassociate ourselves by name from the very families who shaped us into the women these guys fall in love with and want to marry. If I had been born male, I would’ve had no choice but to carry on the Harris name. But because I have an innie, not an outie, I’m forced to show my Post-Marital Pride by sloughing part of my me-ness. Not I said the brown cow. Can’t my hyphen rep for both my past and my future—and have a nice ring to it in the process?
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I am NOT taking his name. No discussions, whatsoever. If he feels hurt, well I think there are psychologists out thurr to deal with that kind of hurt that don’t make no damn sense! I take EXTRA SUPER DUPER pride in my last name, and I’m not hyphenating nor dropping it for anybody. I kid around a lot, but not with my name! If me not putting up with his name, will make him not put a ring on it, well I guess then-it is what it is.
thats exactly why you will never be married…hahaha
@June
?!
Overall, African Mami is a very impressive woman. She’s funny, intelligent and refreshingly candid. The measure of a wife is so much more than whether or not she’s willing to change her last name… it’s about the whole package. From what of I’ve seen of African Mami and her package, most men would be more than lucky to be wedded to someone like her.
I also think this is one of the main problems with African-Americans right now, we don’t look at the whole person anymore. We look at one trait –good or bad– and magnify it; allowing that one characteristic to define a person whom we think we know. I suspect that we all do ourselves a great disservice by setting that kind of standard.
Aww! African Mami and K-Michel! A match made in heaven! You may now kiss the bride! Congratulations, Michel-Mami-um, er, Mami-Michel? Ms. Mami and Mr. Michel? Mr. and Ms. Mami? Can we do what the celebs do and merge it into one name, Mamichel? LMAO
@girlformerlyknownasgrace: Haha, well… if only weddings were this quick.
@ KMP,
awwwww….ain’t you sweet!!!!!!!! : You just made my Monday, like for rizzy rizzy!
@ grace
It would be KMP-African Mami. and I would still retain my name, but he will have to take mine! :) You are going to be my best maid!
Luckily all of my siblings are male so the family name will “live on” regardless of my marital status.
I’ve always assumed I’d hyphonate… until I dated soemone who was very passionate about me taking his last name if we ever got married. If we ever get to that point, I’ll just change my middle name to my maiden name, but I absolutely refuse to lose my maiden name.
WHATever. My last name was my daddy’s last name so either way you still have a man’s last name.
Plus, my last name is difficult to pronounce. For me, it will boil down to how easy people can say it. I’m not hypenating anything. I’m closer to my mom than dad so I don’t care much for my name. So no qualms about the last name for me.
I have no desire for marriage, but if I did, I definitely wouldn’t change my last name.
in Latin America women never drop their husbands name, just added to the one they already have example if her name is Julia Davis when she gets married her name will be Julia Davis de Simmons, the “de” acts as a hyphen in this case
I think you meant they don’t drop their surnames?
Hyphen it. 1. It sounds better. 2. YOU WANT TO. Done deal.
For me, I’ll probably keep my name, just because it’s kind of awesome. Also, with my first name, I have to be careful.
“O’Phylia Johannson” [/shifty eyes]
When you get married, you’re starting a new family, your own family that will include children, grandkids, etc. What if all of our grandmothers had insisted on hyphenating, and then our own mothers, would be then be Firstname Lastname-Lastname-Lastname by the time we got married? If you hyphenate, will your children hyphenate? If not, then the family name still stops with you. I took my husband’s name because I was proud to, and I will be proud to one day have a family where we all have matching names.
Color me naive but I never understood this argument at all. My mother’s name is hyphenated and we have our father’s last name. It was our reality growing up. Why wouldn’t the child have the father’s name? (If the parents are married.)
To each his/her own. Everyone should do what they feel is best for their family. Congrats to you, it seems that you are very happy. :)
I do agree with an earler poster that I feel this topic has been discussed.
Professionally, I will either hyphenate or make my maiden name, my married name. I can be Mrs. Smith informally, that’s not an issue. Celebrities have been doing it for decades. What’s the big deal? My issue: There are 4 other women at work with the same first name. It’s not even that common of a name. We constantly get each other’s emails and phone calls (meant for another person). It’s annoying. I can understand the author’s dillema about about publishing as a Ph.D. The longer men and women wait for marriage, maybe go to professional school or start a business, a name isn’t ‘just a name’… it’s your brand.
My mother and aunts (4) – All just made their maiden name their middle name or hyphenated. They’re all pushing 60 and each of them have had long-term marriages (20+), each with ups and downs. In the larger scheme of things I don’t think their husbands really cared.
it HAS been discussed already, just a couple of months ago actually.
just like the “would you be in an open relationship” article has already been done months ago too. magazines always recycle the same topics every year.
I am all for changing your name, However I also work with several doctors and I know that when it comes to a M.D. or a Ph.D. these doctors tend to keep their name because of papers they have published, or work that they have completed under their professional name.
I believe if you argue your case this way your new soon to be hubby will understand.
Congratulations!
If I ever do get married, I think I’d hyphenate. However it depends on the name. It’s all a choice.
I feel that way because some last names just don’t match with the first. There’s a flow to it. And some other names sound even better. My mother has a very uncommon long French last name, her first name sounds better with my fathers last name and that’s why she changed it. My aunt did not make a change, but her husbands last name is even longer and uncommon than hers. My sister hyphenated her name & my brother in law doesn’t have a problem with it at all. I also think if your birth surname is tied to a lot of accomplishments you’re proud of and known for, all the more reason to keep it.
As a happily married newlywed of almost five months, I have to admit that I did have some hesitation to changing my last name, but I knew I was always going to change it to my husbands name. I am very proud of my birth last name, especially since the amount of women in my family with our last name is quickly dwindling. To that point, my last name is from my father; a Black man. Now that I am married, I have taken the last name of another Black man. Why should I get all worked up over changing my name when I am just changing the ownership of the name?
just depends on how it sounds to me .. i dont care much for my last name so doesn’t really matter but if his last name sucks i probably hyphenate lol
I would take my husband’s last name if I was to get married but then again I want to keep my name for work purposes, my last name is strong and commanding so it fits my occupation so we will see
I have a sincere question. For the ladies who’ve said that they’d want to keep their original maiden name upon marriage …would you also be willing to pay for your engagement ring if your fiancee brought the idea to your attention?
What does paying for the engagement ring has to do with keeping my last name? I would not pay for an engagement ring because, I don’t want one. I hate jewelry.
Yes? Because it’s a shared commitment. 50/50 all the way.
No.
Well, I’d always grown up learning that marriage was all about the sacrifice of one for the benefit of the family. From what I understand, the keeping of one’s maiden name is usually in sync with a woman’s pension for her own personal independence.
I asked my question because, I wondered…
–If this was about personal independence, perhaps there were and are things that men can do to help. Perhaps allowing his fiancee to pay for her own engagement ring would be one of those things.
If this idea is not okay, then at what point does personal independence equate to nothing more than hypocrisy? After all, successful marriages often call for sacrifices from both parties in order to benefit this new family.
I’m struggling to see how the two relate.
Why should I sacrifice my last name? Why does he get to keep his? Our last names are representative of our cultures and I will NOT toss mine away to become one with a man. If we’re talking about equal sacrifice we might as well change both of our last names to a blend of both.
Essentially you’re saying that I have to sacrifice my culture and my beliefs in order to sustain my new family. That’s not how it works in a relationship of equals. And again, since you are both engaged it would only be fair for me as the woman to pay half. NOT all.
@ KMP,
No. I cannot see the co-relation between ring payment and taking your last name! URRRRRRRRRGH! I will NEVER pay for my own engagement ring-that right thurrrr is WTF?! I’ll be bitter with you for the rest of our married life.
Your argument makes no sense and, no offense, is stupid.
“Well, I’d always grown up learning that marriage was all about the sacrifice of one for the benefit of the family. From what I understand, the keeping of one’s maiden name is usually in sync with a woman’s pension for her own personal independence.”
In terms of most western cultures marriage was a financial agreement, key word WAS. Either the male’s family were paid because they were taking to the responsibility of caring for the new person added to the family and in return they had someone to provide them with an heir. In some cases the male’s family paid for the woman so they would have someone to produce an heir. Either way the woman became property of the male’s family.
When men and women enter into marriage today, it is typically because BOTH people want to NOT because her parents are tiring of paying to take care of her or his family need a baby maker.
Keeping my name is not about independence, although it is extremely typical for you to think that way. Women who choose to keep their name do so for a reason and whether you like it or not it is HER reason. Just because she is entering into a marriage doesn’t mean she should have to sacrifice her identity. An engagement ring isn’t about independence, it is a formal presentation of marriage. Since I am not trying to marry myself, I’m not paying for it. You ask me then you pay for the ring and yes that works the other way too. I know of couple where the female asked the male and she presented him with a ring she paid for…and no they were some crazy ultra liberal, post modernist couple.
It seems when taking about marriage and sacrifice, it seems it is always the women expected to bend. Riddle me this, K Michel, because I honestly, want to know, what do men sacrifice entering into a marriage?
I think I get where you’re coming from, and I for one agree with you. I think what you’re saying is that women hold onto a lot of other conventions like wearing white, having their father’s give them away, and being given a beautiful diamond ring-but the name is where they draw the line? It’s kind of hypocritical.
And the Bible does say you’re supposed to leave your parents home, I assume that includes name as well, and become one flesh with your new spouse. But, living in the 21st Century has warped our sense of values, somewhat. It’s a weird thing to see women SO not wanting to take their husbands names—I mean, you take the rest of him, dontcha? lol
@CD86, African Mami, LemonNLime & modern lady: Here’s where I’m coming from.
The bride-to-be’s taking of her fiancee’s last name is a traditional and fundamental aspect of Western marriage …as an institution. As LemonNLime mentioned, payment is also a traditional aspect of marriage. Somebody has to pay.
Sure, sometimes, the family of the bride would pay the family of the groom some kind of dowry. When dealing with Westernized society, historically, the groom has paid for the bride the majority of the time and they still do it today.
What is an engagement ring, if not a dowry? If the wife isn’t property anymore (and she is not) then why is the groom still expected to pay for her? Well, among other things, tradition is one major reason for this. Like the taking of the groom’s maiden name and assigning as the new family name.
This is just one way how they correlate. So, some of you object to one part of that tradition (the changing of your own last names) and it’s arguably one of the main aspects that calls for “sacrifice” on your part as a wife.
I really wanted to know if this was a self-serving complaint or a critique of the institution as a whole.
There’s nothing wrong with it being a self-serving complaint, for the record. But, if that’s what it is, what’s stopping men from not following the traditional role of paying for the engagement ring? Why does the line stop at being given a diamond ring as the wife, instead of challenging that as well (as modern lady posited).
I see what your saying.The man’s “sacrifice” is paying for an engagement ring and the woman’s “sacrifice” is changing the name. I can see where you are coming from with this idea. I am under the impression that today, an engagement ring is more a sign to the outside word that you are taken which is why some men get upset if their fiance doesn’t where it. There has been an increase in women buying engagement rings for their fiances to show to outsiders that this man is taken off the market. Personally, I don’t agree with your assessment but I might be biased bc I don’t want an engagement ring or a wedding ring (I just hate having stuff on my hands).
@LemonNLime: Very interesting. I’ve never heard that point of view before about engagement rings from a woman. Now, I have to ask this question.
If your fiancee were to get down on one knee, open his ring box and showed you a three-stone princess cut diamond ring and asked you to marry him …would you prefer that he return the ring and get his money back?
@K. Michel – If it was someone who I could see myself wanting to make a long-term, hopefully life-time commitment to, then yes I would answer yes but I wouldn’t accept the ring. I would ask him to return it. I like jewelry but I like eclectic things, so I would never wear something like that, plus I hate rings. I would prefer that he return it and we can use the money to invest in something together for the both of us like a house or a trip together.
If he REALLY was adamant about me having a ring of some sort, I would prefer something like a simple natural stone and depending on the stone that would cost $30-50. Even then I still wouldn’t wear it unless it was for formal functions and by the end of the function it would probably be in my purse. I might put it on a chain but since I switch my jewelry to go with outfits, I still wouldn’t wear it everyday.
Sounds crazy but it’s true!
@LemonNLime: I’ve thought about what you’ve said and how you feel about engagement rings (well, rings in general). After all of this thinking, I can say that it isn’t crazy at all. Just interesting.
Now, if you were to change your mind before the honeymoon even started? Well…
Nope won’t change it! The most important and sentimental piece of jewelry I own is a tigers eye ring handed down to me from my mom and it was given to her by my grandpa, one of the most amazing men I’ve ever met. It was given to me after his sudden death in 1994. To this day I really try to wear it, I want to, but I just can’t stand things on my hands so rather than losing it, when I wear it it’s on a chain. If I can’t wear that ring, I don’t think I could wear any other.
“Sure, sometimes, the family of the bride would pay the family of the groom some kind of dowry. When dealing with Westernized society, historically, the groom has paid for the bride the majority of the time and they still do it today.”
What do you mean by “the groom has paid for the bride”? I hope you’re not trying to imply that the engagement ring is some sort of payment (i.e. bride price). Traditionally the engagement ring was given to represent the promise of marriage–it had nothing to do with paying for the bride, wedding, or anything. It was meant as a visual means of expressing a contractual agreement. If either party defaulted on the contract and decided not to follow through with the marriage then the ring could either be taken back, or kept in lieu of the expenses that the WOMAN traditionally spent in preparing for the wedding.
Traditionally, and especially in Western culture, it has always been the woman and her family that bore the burden of paying for anything when it came to the wedding. It’s really only been relatively recent that men were expected to share in the expense but, even today, women typically bear the brunt of the expenses. I’m sure you realize that the amount of money that is typically spent on weddings (even weddings with low budgets) is usually much more than what a man spends on an engagement ring. So, exactly how does the groom “pay” for the bride?
“What is an engagement ring, if not a dowry? If the wife isn’t property anymore (and she is not) then why is the groom still expected to pay for her? Well, among other things, tradition is one major reason for this. Like the taking of the groom’s maiden name and assigning as the new family name.”
I think you are confusing dowry with “bride price”, but like I stated previously, the engagement ring was never meant for the purpose of “paying for” someone. It was meant to symbolize a promise to marry. The only reason why we have the tradition of taking the man’s last name at marriage is because it is the remnant of an excessively patriarchal society. In truth, the practice really does not make sense. It would make more sense if we were a matrilineal society as maternity is an issue that can rarely be questioned. Paternity on the other hand…well, we’ve all seen enough Maury shows to know why patrilineal naming isn’t as good a method.
“So, some of you object to one part of that tradition (the changing of your own last names) and it’s arguably one of the main aspects that calls for “sacrifice” on your part as a wife”
I still don’t see where the groom has sacrificed anything…
He presents a ring to a woman with a promise of marriage. If she accepts the ring then they are contractually obligated to follow through and marry. If she breaks off the marriage, he is legally within his right to take the ring back. If she does marry him he gets the benefit of having a wife, which traditionally meant someone who would take care of him, his household, and any children they had from the union. Again, how is he sacrificing anything? He pretty much benefits (or at least recovers his losses) any way you look at it.
I agree with LemonNLime, some women hesitate to change their names because-this may sound cliche–a name is not just a name it’s an identity. It is cultural, familial and it can also be spiritual–some Christians change their name or add a new one when they are baptized. True, the last name usually comes from the father but it also signifies the family you are from. Our character and values (whether good or bad) etc are shaped by the environment we grow up in i.e. the family. You might say, Well, when you get married you are starting a new family which is accurate but the fact still remains the family you were raised in has the most impact on you as a person. So for some people, changing that last name is like discarding a part of themselves. A similar question could be asked of divorcing women– Would you revert to your maiden name or keep your ex-husband’s name if you got divorced?. Again–identity!
As an example, some single mothers give their kids their own name(not their family name) as a last name if the father is not involved in the child’s life. I also know a guy, Italian heritage who dropped his last name-from the father– and took the family name from his mother’s side of the family, they raised him with little involvement. A name can be a powerful thing.
Also, people are marrying later in life now, in the late twenties, thirties even forties. Women are getting a chance to navigate life on their own, it is inevitable that they will see themselves as their own person. This combined with changing societal values is the reason for some of these debates. It upsets some people because: you are challenging a long-held social convention. You are rocking the boat so to speak, and you have become a non-conformist. That will always ruffle feathers.
Personally, I think it’s a personal decision, you can change it, hyphenate or keep it. There’s no need to crucify someone because they chose an option you disapprove of.
Wow, very interesting. I might be the odd women here, but I think this ” professional, independent, my-name-is- special” personal is a bit too much. My father would be highly upset if I decided to keep his last name or even hyphenate upon marriage. As he would tell me, ” I knew at the time of your birth that you were my daughter, and that you will eventually become someone’s wife. If you fall in love (real love), marry and take your husbands name.” I always thought his point of view was logical, so I held on to what he said.
I am starting to believe that many women desire marriage only to fulfill their selfish desires and to prove to all that they really got it going on ( Look at me: I got two degrees, a man, a diamond ring, and my own damn last name). Since men are part of this image that we are trying convey, we convince them to believe this skewed notion.
If you have hesitations about a last name, I wonder how you will approach the bigger issues that WILL arise in the marriage. What happens when you have to give up your profession or change it for the sake of your family?
Wanting to keep your last name because it is significant and inherent to your culture is not being selfish. It’s selfish to think simply because we’re getting married I must lose my origin. If it doesn’t work for you fine. But I hardly think simply because I enjoy my heritage I’m going to be unable to make sacrifices “for the sake of my family”. Also I like how sacrifice is almost nearly always in the context of the woman, not the man.
@JazzyJo,
You seem very ignorant, about names! In some cultures, like mine we have naming ceremonies-meaning a name is not just a name-it is culturally and spiritually significant! I am not dropping my name neither hyphenating it for anybody! I take PRIDE in my names!
@African Mami
Off topic, but I just peaked at your website, and dear lord I swear the hottest thing stared back at me, lmao. Also you said on a thread way back that you got genie locs. My hair grows tres uber fast (like almost an inch a month) how do I take em down without causing damage D:
I think I will keep my last name. Next year I’ll be graduating and becoming a doctor and I worked damn hard and feel that I want people to call me DR. Oliver. I’ve talked to my beau about it and he was definitely hurt by the fact I probably wouldn’t take his name but it’s not like I’m saying our future kids won’t have it lol (I joked about that being hyphenated and he looked like i had lost my mind, w/e). Its our name so it’s our choice.
Drop ur middle name use ur maiden name as the middle name and ur married name is now ur new last name. Problem solved
I think it makes sense to take a man’s last name-all that hyphenated mess just confuses the issue. If it was good enough for my grandmother and generations before her, it’s good enough for me.
The wife no, the kids yeah.
I think though if a woman is not willing to change her name than why bother hyphenating it? You can both keep your names and not worry about it.