Will You Take This Man—and His Last Name?
After two years together, The Man and I are in the early negotiations of happily ever after. You know, that contemplative what-if stage that places the relationship in front of a firing squad of questions about the possibility of spending the next 40, 50, 60 years together without accumulating a flipbook of mugshots or refusing to be buried next to each other.
Our biggest argument, up until recently, had been about where to live once we stroll the aisle. It’s the classic Philly vs. D.C. Showdown of the cities (and if it wasn’t classic before, it certainly is now). But a new argument reared its ugly head during a recent chat about my hopes of finishing (which means I’d actually have to start) my PhD. In the heat of my daydreaming, I took my would-be married name for a test drive.
“Dr. Janelle Harris-Williams.” I swooned like a giddy extra in the “Beauty School Dropout” scene of Grease. Boyfriend jutted his bottom jaw, something he does when he’s about to serve up a verbal smackdown.
“Harris-Williams!” he scoffed. “I think you mean Dr. Janelle Williams.”
Uhhh no. Pretty sure I meant the first one.
Seems he takes offense to the idea of me attaching his last name to the one I already have. The move, according to him, says I’m wishy washy about my commitment and is a flashing neon indicator that I’m not ready to leave my family and be a wife. I flagged him for being crazy. But when I introduced the subject for discussion on Facebook—hypothetically so as not to blow him out of the water—turns out plenty of folks from both genders side with his opinion. I didn’t tell him that, though.
There is no level-headed reason why a woman should have to abandon her family’s last name in order to prove her fidelity and allegiance to her man. None whatsoever. The concept is as archaic and patriarchal as, oh I don’t know, forgoing your dreams to be an apron-sporting housewife a la June Cleaver or pretending to be an airhead to appease your guy’s fragile ego.
According to The Knot, only 6 percent of newlywed women opted to hyphenate their names—the same number reported on the stats from the year before. So it’s not necessarily a fire-hot trend. I’m in a bit of a minority. Sooo what? I’ve worked hellishly to build up some steam in my career, so I have professional grounds to hold on to my original surname. Hey, if Eva Parker or Jada Smith had a new flick coming out, the crickets would be chirping and we’d gloss over them like they were as generic and nondescript as Jane Jones, right?
But add the “Longoria” and the “Pinkett,” respectively, the bells and whistles of familiarity go off and the general public might contemplate going to see the movie. Might. Just like they might be more interested in reading something Janelle Harris-Williams wrote as opposed to Janelle Williams. Not that I have legions of fans, but I don’t want to throw anybody off when they start thinking about congregating.
As women wait longer to get married—or take longer to find someone worth marrying—we’re already well-established in our work lives by the time our dream beau comes along. So it should be understandable that many of us don’t want the hassle of converting our longstanding professional identities. Email addresses, monogrammed attaches and all.
But that’s not even the most important thing. It’s the whole gender hierarchy of being the one forced to forfeit my name—the name I grew up with, the name I share with my mom, grandmother and daughter, the name I’ve had for 30-shut-yo-mouth years—to take on a completely different identity. On paper anyway. It’s my tribute to my grandfather and his people, particularly because my child and I are the last Harrises. We’re a family made largely of girls and the few male cousins I do have all have different surnames. So the Harris line dies off with us and I intend to hang on to the name as long as I possibly can.
Besides, what exactly what does a man have to give up in order to marry a woman? Fewer evenings at the nudie bar and neater housecleaning habits? Yet we’re expected to disassociate ourselves by name from the very families who shaped us into the women these guys fall in love with and want to marry. If I had been born male, I would’ve had no choice but to carry on the Harris name. But because I have an innie, not an outie, I’m forced to show my Post-Marital Pride by sloughing part of my me-ness. Not I said the brown cow. Can’t my hyphen rep for both my past and my future—and have a nice ring to it in the process?
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I am hyphenating my name but as i am a teacher the students can still call me by my maiden name.
So I used to feel like, exactly this same way. And as a righteous Princeton student, I accordingly flipped a shit when Professor Melissa Harris-Lacewell adopted Harris-Perry after her marriage. But when this somehow came up in a class, another professor of mine said that Melissa’s counterargument was simple: it’s not like she chose her original last name. It was just the name of another man, her father, and so anyone who tried to argue that taking her husband’s last name implied some form of ownership must have believed she first “belonged” to her father.
I wasn’t about to support that, and thus was thoroughly and completely shut up.
I think my plan for if and when I get married is to keep my name professionally, because it will hopefully be a brand by then, and to take my husband’s name personally IF and only if I like the way it sounds after my first name. bahaha
Both myself and my fiance are hyphenating. Then we’ll *have* the same last names. There’s no reason a woman should hyphenate and not a man.
For me the idea of losing my professional identity also holds true for my ethnic and cultural identity. I’m a nigerian American and am proud of my roots, my history, and my very African family. However, something tells me Ill be marrying some guy w/ a last name of Smith, Jones, or Patel. Maintaining my last name is a matter of preserving my nigerian-ness for my descendants..I want them to know the entire picture of where/who they come from. I’m hyphenating because replacing my last name means robbing the future of my family’s history, culture, and the story.
Indeed, a name is not just about “ownership”. It’s also about identity in this case-cultural identity. I once read that geneaologists sometimes have a hard time tracing a family’s roots because women changed their names after marriage. Add to that changing spellings etc and the trail goes cold after a few generations.
Maybe I’m old fashioned but I’m taking my husband’s last name without a question. It’s not that big an issue to me. However, I think I have a very nice last name so I will probably give it to one of my children as a first of middle name.
This has always been an interesting debate for me. I love reading the different views.
I’m not exactly fond with my last name so I know that I will be taking my husbands name when I get married.
I think that modern women are so obsessed with this notion of independance that we don’t embrace tradition. To each her own, but I would like to create a family unit with my husband that is independant from the family unit my parents created with each other.
To me keeping your maiden name is like saying that your still apart of “your” family as opposed to creating a new family with your husband; this maybe why some men do not like the idea of their wives hyphenating or keeping their maiden name.
Basically, I like the idea of creating a family independant from my own, I also like the simplicity of myself, my husband, and my children having the same last name as opposed to explaining to my children why I have a different last name from them and their father all for the sake of preserving my “culture,” “independance,” or “family name.”
“To me keeping your maiden name is like saying that your still apart of “your” family as opposed to creating a new family with your husband; this maybe why some men do not like the idea of their wives hyphenating or keeping their maiden name.”
Yet, somehow your husband gets to keep his “maiden” name instead of creating a new family [name] with you…interesting how that all works out. Just admit it, the fact that women take on their husband’s last names is an antiquated, remnant of patriarchal society. If that’s what you want to do or don’t mind doing, then cool, but please don’t make it seems as if somehow women are refusing to be a part of the creation of a “new family” by not doing so–especially when men are not held to that same standard.
Why do you have to make it so difficult? Not everything has to take a feminist, independent woman stance. I don’t see anything wrong with taking your husbands last name; it doesn’t mean that he owns you or anything. If you want to hyphenate fine do it-just don’t make a big song and dance about it, sheesh.
I agree with you, Lee. And ironically, nowhere in the post did she mention a feminist or independent woman standpoint. In fact as for my comment, neither were front of mind. My hyphenation is simply a preference in wanting to preserve an identity that’s important to me. Nothing more, nothing less. For some, culture and identity aren’t important..for me, it is *shrug*
I feel that the double last name should be only used if the woman already has been long established in her job and does not want to promote confusion. however, in your case you do not have the title “Dr.” yet so you should take only his last name. By changing your last name to his your are saying that you are his wife and there is no going back. You two are a whole not two parts or two different names. This isn’t a power thing. It’s a LOVE thang.
I look forward very much to taking my partner’s name when we marry, but I don’t begrudge women who decide not to, or who decide to hyphenate. Every woman is different. It doesn’t necessarily say anything about how she feels about her husband.
Just curious about everyone’s thoughts on a few things. I see quite a few people who are responding to the question hypothetically. I’m just wondering if they’ll change their mind once they actually meet their spouse? This is not refuting the fact that they formed a valid opinion, standard, value, or requirement before meeting their spouse that should be honored but because meeting the “love of your life” is a life-changing experience in general. Perspectives change on all aspects of life when you meet your life partner (whether it be eating and exercise habits, travel, etc)
Secondly, many people said they wouldn’t change their last name after earning a professional degree. Maybe I missed it, but has anyone discussed why Michelle Obama dropped her maiden name when she married Barack Obama (not the President we now know)? Moreover, Barack Obama was an intern and Michelle Obama was a lawyer at the same company when they met. Despite all of this, she is not Michelle Robinson-Obama (publicly as far as I’m aware).
My fiance asked me if I was going to change his last name or if I would like him to change his after we got married. He was more concerned that we started a family with the same last name and not that I was required to have his. I wish more men would be open to this possibility. Maybe one day?
I’ve had a hyphenated name since the day I was born, ones my moms and ones my dads. The idea of dropping my name when I get married has never bothered me because I’ve always said I simply wouldn’t do it. I love my last name, and I’m the only one in the entire world with it, and I love my family and the people who raised me to be proud of my unique name. But as I’ve gotten older and the topic last names has come up with past boyfriends, I’ve realized they don’t quite see it the way I do. I’ve been told to get over it and take the mans name or to picking one of my last names and hyphenate it with my husbands…as if I could possibly pick between my mom or dads name.
I cant say what I will actually do when the day comes, but I don’t see how my last name makes me any less married, committed, or in love with my future husband.
[...] it up for my husband. Yes, I know I will love him and it’ll be for better or for worse but do I need your last name too? What if people only know me by my maiden name? On the job, in the market, in business, I’m [...]
I don’t want to change my name at all if I get married, and don’t see why I should have to feel obliged to.
I decided as a child that I wouldn’t change my surname name and now I am grown I stand by my decision. My partner didn’t understand for a long time but he sees that I am passionate about keeping my name and accepts that I would not be happy changing my name. So we will be Mr and Ms different names but no less committed to each other.
I do not like the idea that as a woman I am defined by my marriage partner. I have a whole identity as my original name and think being told my name is less important just reflects that society feels as a woman that I am less important. It makes me angry.
I am hoping for hyphenated names for any children we may have but that is still off in the future with plenty of time for a discussion to create a mutually agreed naming system.
I don’t understand – why would you hyphenate your name instead of leaving it just as it is, unless he’s going to do the same? If you gain an extra bit of surname after marriage but he doesn’t, what does that say about the impact of the marriage on your identity compared to its impact on his? Doesn’t it imply that you are more defined by your status as a wife than he is by his as a husband? Fundamentally, if you disagree with just taking his name, why would you still choose to do something that implies unequal status between the two of you? My sister married recently and she and her husband both adopted a hyphenated version of their two names. It’s perfect: no inequality implied, and their family gets to be ‘Mr and Mrs X-Y and all the little X-Ys’ (no complications at school).
I feel that if a women want to keep her name after marriage great. But no hyphen. A hyphen is just stupid.
Thank for posting, relationship should be more than just the name?
In my country, the tradition is that children get 2 last names, the father’s and the mother’s. It doesn’t create confusion or less feeling of belonging, if fact, it makes us understand both parents gave equal ammounts of commitment into the new family. I find this whole thing about women changing their names absolutely out of place. I would expected it from some old fashioned cultures but not from the US. I know I would never give up my identity. Now I face the problem because we’ve been in “the serious talk” with my boyfriend, an american guy. I’m already giving up a lot by accepting living in the US for some time -I don’t really like the american life style- but changing my name? Oh, no sir, thank you. He also gave me the commitment chat. Well, I feel that he’s not commiting enough if he can’t understand how this process would make me feel like a possesion rather than a wife. I have no links to his family history, why should I identify myself with that? The only link I want is to him.
A woman could be the perfect woman in every way, but if she wanted to hyphenate her, or our name(s) then it would be a deal breaker. End of story.
I mean…where would end? If the the children shared our hyphenated name, and this was a majority practice, and they married someone also with a hyphenated name then maybe my grandchild could be named Julie Hayes-Johnson-Keebler-Fisher. That would be great.
Some cultures trace lineage through the mother, matrilineal, and if that’s the way Western culture worked, I would be perfectly ok with it. It has to be either or though, not both…that doesn’t make any sense and would get really confusing within a few generations.