If You Won’t, the Next Chick Will?
You’ve found the partner of your dreams. He or she is nurturing, kind, gorgeous, attentive, financially secure, adventurous, and…um…a freak. At first, you’re excited. You start having a ton of sex in every position imaginable. But then the months pass, you both get comfortable, and perhaps your sex drives fall out of sync. He or she wants some. You don’t. You want some. He or she doesn’t. And you start to fear that perhaps you’re growing apart or worse…he or she is getting some from somewhere else.
Oh nooooo!!!!!
The old saying goes, “if you won’t satisfy your man (or woman), the next chick will.” It’s been ingrained in our minds, tugging at our fears and coercing our bodies into rolling over, spreading our legs, and participating in sex when we really don’t want to. I call this “pity sex,” as I explained in my article last week. But many of you felt that pity was the wrong way to put it. Perhaps, I failed to explain. Pity sex is when you make a decision to have sex with your partner when you really don’t want to because you pity the fact that they’re horny and need some. Instead of simply saying you’re not in the mood, you say okay and count sheep until he or she climaxes.
I find this silly. I’m not knocking those of you who know that with a few strokes you will be in the mood. That’s great, but that article wasn’t for you. It was for the women who really would’ve preferred to simply wait until a different time to make love, but they are scared. They’ve been told that if they don’t bow to their partner’s genital beck and call, they can kiss their monogamous relationship goodbye. Fear has become the shot caller in some of our bedrooms, and simply put, it’s not cute.
One of Clutch’s readers, Au Napptural, broke it down brilliantly, “Sex should be enjoyable, not a chore to please a man. It is completely crazy to say she should be a human pincushion and just take it so her man can get his rocks off…People want to use fear as a motivator- he’ll leave or cheat or something. If he’s that petty and childish to cheat or leave b/c he didn’t get his way on demand, she’s better off. A REAL man talks it out if he has a problem, he doesn’t act out like a petulant kid.”
I don’t allow fear to rule my relationships. I’ve done that in the past on numerous issues, and it ended disastrously. The men that I attract and choose align with my sexual needs, and I meet theirs. It’s rare that we’re out of sync. But even when we are, the last thing that crosses my mind is that my man is going to get some from elsewhere, so I better just bite my lip and give him some. I wouldn’t want him to treat me that way or have him resenting the sex we’re sharing while he’s inside me. It’s not healthy, and will only lead to problems further down the line in our relationship. I don’t make decisions in my sex life in fear of my man cheating.
“If you won’t, the next chick will” is flawed logic. I’ve never seen a healthy relationship operate under that paradigm. There’s nothing sexy about pretending to want something or be someone you’re not. Eventually, you’ll get exhausted, your real self will enter the relationship, and you’ll discover a deeper set of problems.
Do you make decisions in your sex life under the “if you won’t, the next chick will” philosophy? Or do you honor your body’s desires and trust your partner to be faithful regardless? Speak on it.
That whole thought process just screams of rampant, gnawing insecurity. Do you really think that all it would take is one denied BJ to send your man out into the streets? If so, find a new man. I know that we’ve been taught to think that men have no control. But newsflash! That stereotype was started by men to give themselves an excuse to do whatever. Consider it a privelege of being the rulers of the world. Hold your men accountable, ladies. Quit excusing every bad behavior as “oh, that’s a man for you”. Now, I’m not saying withhold sex for long periods of time. That’s not healthy for either you or him. But don’t tiptoe around on eggshells preparing to hop on his d*ck at the slightest nod from him whether you’re feeling it or not. Relax. Jesus, ENJOY your relationship. Quit looking for every boogeyman out there. If your relationship is sound and your man is true, you can both survive the ups and downs, the floods and the droughts. And believe me, they will happen. So, calm down. You can only control what you do. Support him, love him true, have great sex when it feels right, and make each other laugh.
Agreed, constant fear that your partner is going to leave because your shortcomings, whether that’s your looks, your cooking, your intellect, the frequency of sex, your weight, whatever, that’s a very unhealthy relationship. To always feel as if you’re walking the razor’s edge, that is not what you want.
But, I read the responses the last few days on the other post that this post sprang from, and I am more interested in the other scenario hinted at by some of the comments, that is, what do you do when you’re in a loving, monogamous relationship with a great guy who loves you just as much as you love him, but there’s a big mismatch between how much sex he wants and how much sex you want?
The rote response is, well, you just need to talk that out. Okay, what if you talk and talk and talk for months and the resolution is STILL that he wants to have sex a lot more than you do?
He is absolutely perfect for you in every way, and he feels that you are absolutely perfect for him in every way. Every way except for the frequency of sex. There is no compromise that’s acceptable to either one of you; he’s not going to be happy with a little more often, and there is no way that you’re going to be happy with the MINIMUM frequency he has in mind.
Do you just part ways, with a lot of regret? Because that’s what I (we) did in this situation. That was almost a year ago, and I’m still doubting that was the right decision. He has those same doubts. But we both know this problem will surface again immediately if we get back together.
It’s wrong for me to give him sexual pleasure when I don’t feel like having sex, but it’s also wrong for him to be in a constant state of sexual frustration. That’s no way to live for either one of us. And since he, like most men in a monogamous relationship, also equates sex with intimacy and affection, he is not only very frustrated sexually, he also feels “unloved”. And me saying I love him doesn’t change that.
And BTW, when we do have sex, it’s great, like thunder and lightning. It’s not that I don’t like sex. It’s that he wants sex a lot, probably 3-4 times a week. I want sex probably one or twice a week (and it would be great if that could be on the weekend, because my job is very demanding during the week, I know I sound like a terrible bore, but this is how I feel).
I saw no way to resolve this situation except for the way we resolved it, which was to break up. Neither one of was “willing to take one for the team” and compromise on their end.
And BTW, the solution for me is not to find a guy with a lower sex drive, as my best friend says. I want a man, not a mouse. I want a big, strong, virile, confident man who is at ease with who he is, and comfortable in his male power. I have a strong personality, and I will just steamroll any beta male.
Yeah, this is a real problem, eh? What I want I can’t live with, it seems.
I feel for you, hon. I do. That’s not an easy siuation to be in. Perhaps there is some middle ground. Maybe you have sex twice a week and offer him some other very satisfying “assistance” 2x a week or so? I just can’t believe there can be no middle ground. Relationships are all about compromise. I believe that applies to sex as well. But please don’t lose faith that you’ll find someone right for you. While he may have been a lovely man, I sense some selfishness there in his inability to compromise. your next man may have an equally high sex drive, but he will just be more willing to compromise.
“Maybe you have sex twice a week and offer him some other very satisfying “assistance” 2x a week or so?”
Ha, we’d still be together if I had done this. To me, this is still sex, even if I’m not naked, and he’s not on top of me, this is still having sex when I’m not into having sex at that moment. I’m the one that vetoed this, because it was suggested. He would have been more than happy with this “compromise”, he would have been delirious.
Well, I would never suggest you perform an act you didn’t want to do. I guess I just look at an HJ as more assisted masturbation than sex. I def employ it on those nights when I’m not down lol. I tell him straight up “Boo, I know what you’re looking for but I’m tired. How about a quick grease down and a good night kiss?”. Lol 5 mins later he’s contentedly watching Sports Center and I’m sleeping like a baby. But it’s absolutely different for everyone. Sometimes, when two people reach a crossroads that has no solution, they have to simply tell themselves “Yes, in many ways, we were great for each other. But in this one, very important way, we simply aren’t”. It’s not your fault. Most couples end things not because EVERYTHING was horrible but because there were a few non-negotiables that couldn’t be met. Don’t agonize over it or beat yourself up.
@Simone,
Don’t listen to these people. You have to do what works for you. You aren’t selfish for not giving up your body on demand. It is your body to use how you like. I’m disturbed that anyone thinks otherwise. If you are unhappy with what is happening you have to decide how to change things. But if you are satisfied with your decision, just not the outcome, maybe you really do need a different type of man.
Also, as a woman it is likely you’ve had a bad sexual experience- whether it was rape or assault or just a dominating mate- it’s not usual to enjoy sex and not want to have it. Maybe the issue is environmental, maybe you’re very overworked, it could be anything. But it seems to me to you don’t have a low sex drive, but there is an obstacle preventing you from either wanting sex more often or just following through on having it when you want it. I hope I’m not out of line in saying that. But that complaint is common among women. It is hard to feel sexy when you have tons or work, children, etc on your plate. Just put your finger on it.
From a male perspective excellent advice CurlySue. Sounds like you know how to keep a man, at least with regards to sexual compatibility. From a male perspective I’ve been in a relationship (divorced) where I conceded my sexual rights to a wife who used sex as a tool more or less, which in my opinion is how most mature women view sex. Younger women now a days pretty much giving it away. None the less, after about two years of only having sex when she wanted to, among other reasons, I turned into a very disgruntled person. Seemed before the marriage she was down most any time, stockings, heels… After about a year or less, likely once she felt I was vested in the relationship she got “religion” and “began feeling guilty” about our premarital sex. (GAME!!!) After three years of this discontented relationship I decide I would never relinquish control of my sexual fulfillment to my significant other unless we’re compatible sexually in which case relinquishing control of my sexual fulfillment wouldn’t be necessary.
I certainly would never advocate that any man manipulate a woman using fear tactics. However I think this conversation to a large extent is completely disingenuous if female participants don’t acknowledge the fact that this poor circumstance occurs largely because many females, using sex as a tool, conceal the sexual incompatibilities until they secure the relationship either through marriage or a child.
To act as though pretend as though men in general a willing to commit to relationships where they feel unfulfilled from the start is utter nonsense and doesn’t happen. This circumstance usually happen because women much like my ex conceal their incompatibility til later then to let it surface as though it’s some brand new circumstance that the male created through his ego and insensitivity.
I hope I have add more dimension and honesty to this conversation. This circumstance is not difficult to access with regards to the cause. Let’s just be honest about it.
I am going to go out on a limb to state an obvious solution. If sexual incompatibility exist and neither are willing to compromise, terminate the relationship or at least allow him to free of guilt. Being that the only thing she can control in the relationship is her behavior (e.g. Conceding to give more sexual stimulation), is it really decent or even honest to try to convince him to compromise his sexual fulfillment for your comfort? Or would you rather send the guy on a guilt trip if he no longer wants the relationship, trying to convince him of his perceived selfishness and immaturity.
nobody should ever have sex unless they want to…..
Couldn’t agree with you more but have to say that in as much no one should be required to do anything as intimate as sex if they don’t want to, I think it should be stated that a person with more drive than his or her partner should not be made to feel like they’re being selfish, inconsiderate, egotistical, or immature simply cause they have a higher drive that they would like to have met.
Everybody already said what I was thinking. I really want to hear what the men have to say on the subject.
No, you don’t–trust me…
Can I ask a question of you ladies – am I the only one who HATES being asked to perform fellatio?
I feel obligated to do it, and even though he says he doesn’t mind being turned down, that loud exasperated sigh lets me know he clearly resents it. For me, I have to be excited and in the mood to really go to town in that department. Otherwise, I feel like a prostitute doing her duty, when I’m really a woman trying to please her man……………………………….just so he can shut up.
Does that make me horrible? In a perfect world, just knowing that I made him happy should be enough satisfaction for me, but I’m being real here – the fact that he asks is a total turn-off for me, and all I’m thinking is “when the f– will this be over so I can go to sleep”….
But guess what, I do it anyway. I’m really disgusted for those 8 minutes or whatever, but I feel my discomfort is a small price to pay for him to be happy. So while I’m not doing it out of fear of cheating, I am doing it out of fear of disappointing him.
Does anybody feel me? Am I bugging?
Danielle, no you are not bugging. You shouldn’t anything that you don’t feel comfortable doing. I also never ask my man to go down if he doesn’t initiate. Sex should feel natural and it shouldn’t be orchestrated.
on the one hand you should never do anything you don’t want to do.
on the other hand you should not object if your partner gets what they want elsewhere.
No, you’re not the only who hates being asked to perform fellatio. Fellatio isn’t my thing and whoever asks will be immensely disappointed.
Danielle… it’s perfectly normal if you don’t like to give head. Every woman is different. This might be TMI but I love pleasing my man in this way as long as he reciprocates and I know that he cares about me.
I’m now married but I have dated men who made me feel like a prostitute when I went down on them. It made me feel like I was being used, so that took the fun out of it. It’s all about the relationship that you have with the other person, IMO.
It’s just a matter of individual preference, I guess. Different strokes for different folks.
@Danielle If I was your boyfriend.. I would be looking elsewhere to get my d*ck sucked… No problem…
So James, if he cheats I should blame myself because I didn’t top him off ONE night? Seems a little extreme to me.
it is not cheating if somebody gets what they want someplace else.
you do have a right to only do what you want. i respect that.
you do not have the right to restrict another to your limits.
“it is not cheating if somebody gets what they want someplace else”. Umm, that’s the bloody DEFINITION of cheating. And in a monogamous relationship, it is understood that you operate within the boundaries of what your S.O. is comfortable with. Otherwise, just be single, damn.
@ James I don’t know why I’m bothering but those have nothing to do with each other. If your man, bf or husband, makes the promise to be exclusive and he breaks it, that’s on him. That’s shows he has no character. If you don’t get your way immediately you have to cheat?! If you are that mad, just leave. If you cheat you are selfish. You just want to hold onto to the perks of a relationship and get some on the side. If your needs are that important, talk to your woman or leave her alone altogether. No doubt she’ll be better off.
i agree. if i were the man i would just walk.
The side of sexual exclusivity that not too many folks seem to bring up is that whenever you request exclusivity of your partner it is implied that you are offering to meet all their sexual needs. It is implied that both of you have an understanding of what each other’s needs are (turn-ons, frequency, favored positions, etc.) and have agreed that both of you are agreeable. Anyone who insists on sexual exclusivity should be willing and able to meet their partners needs, if there is no agreement there then you all need to keep it moving.
Sex is no different from any other thing in a relationship, each person has to work on accomodating the other. Anyone who goes into a relationship insisting that it be their way whether it be about sex, finance or who does the laundry will never get what they want unless the other party is amiable.
So if you are a woman who does not believe you want to meet your partner’s sexual needs because it violates some personal code, if you cannot get said partner to agree to those terms, your best bet is to keep it moving or disavow exclusivity. I know that last part is tough for many of the self professed “strong, independent, intelligent….” but just know its nothing new and more folks do that ish than they are willing to admit. There are men who have those arrangement and there are women who have those arrangements.
Because at the end of the day there are a good percentage of relationships where sexual exclusivity is not a primary factor. And the one thing I learned a long time ago was that every relationship is different and every couple has their negotiated deals that are unique to them and not about some public posturing.