Ignoring the Shoulder Rub: Why I Don’t Do Pity Sex
We’ve all been there. It’s 5am in the morning; your partner comes out of a dream horny, and slowly slides their hands to your shoulder to gently wake you from your deep slumber. As you’re pulled from your beautiful dream vacation in Tahiti, you realize that no, you’re not being woken up for an emergency, instead your partner is slowly beginning to kiss your neck in hopes of making you aroused. You glance over at the alarm clock. It’s hours before you have to be at work.
Really? Did you REALLY just pull me out of my sleeping glory just so you can get some?
At least, that’s what crosses your mind. You have a choice to make. You either decide to conjure up your hormones to enjoy this awakening or you choose to put sleep first.
I choose the latter. I almost always ignore the shoulder rub or tell my partner to chill out.
I’m not the best morning person. It typically takes me a minute to get my mind right when I wake up and if you say anything to me in the first 20 minutes after waking, I likely won’t remember. When it comes to sex, I’m all or nothing. Either I’m fully present and ready to make your toes curl or I’m asking you to get off me because I’m not in the mood. I love sex as much as the next person, but I truly believe in honoring my body’s needs and not forcing my vagina to do anything it doesn’t want to.
But there are those that beg to differ, those who grant their partner that early morning quickie while silently hoping that they’d finish as soon as possible. I get it. In particular, when dealing with a male partner, most wake up with hard-ons. But there’s no point in entering sex tired and irritated just because your partner would prefer to stroke instead of releasing on his own.
I’ve had this conversation with my girlfriends, and most are tired of getting that early morning shoulder rub.
“Without fail, it always happens. We have sex the evening before, go to sleep exhausted and peaceful. And then he wakes me up at 5am,” said one of my home girls. She wasn’t even talking about the same dude either. It seems to be a recurring pattern with most of her male partners.
So I asked her if she gave him some after he woke her up. She replied yeah with a bit of agitation in her voice. I told her that the opposite of that word would save her a lot of grief and sleep. What’s so hard about telling your partner no when you’re not in the mood?
I recognize that there are two (or more) people to please in a sexual relationship, but with the right communication and conversations, I’m sure that the parties involved can express what times are not best for sex. After all, it’s important that sexual partners be on the same page when it comes to pleasure. Sex is supposed to reduce stress and cater to our desires, not become aggravating.
Do you grant your partner pity sex? Or are you always in the mood? Speak on it!
89 Comments – Add Yours
Latest Articles
Most Popular This Week
Recent Comments
-
Natalie on
#PayYourBillsDiddy? Photographer Takes to Twitter to Get Diddy to Pay Up
Hmm. I know what it's like to have to jump through flaming hoops to get paid. It's humiliating and degrading. I'm not sure what happened...
-
African Mami on
Ballin on a Budget! Stay-cation Bus Etiquette 101
I've taken the bus twice down south. NIGHTMARE! Urrrrrrrgh! I got tales.
-
African Mami on
Scrapbooking – Writing A Letter To The Future
@ Donnie!!!! Awwwww soooooo sorrry for your loss!!!!! e-hugs!!!!! Scrapbooking is too much for me, I'd rather knit and crochet. I get...
-
aedivine on
Honor Student Suing NYPD for Racial Profiling, False Arrest
I'm a 21 year old 5'4 African American women,and if two strange men reversed their car and shouted "get them!" at me and my friend? i don't...
Sometimes, but don’t expect much out of me.
i’m most likely to be the one to wake him up & i cant be w somebody thats not always ready lol- i dont see anything wrong w spontaneity & i swear u give the worst relationship advice. everything isnt just about what u want, sometimes u gotta do stuff just bc the other person would do it for u- thats how women get cheated on. all the rules & attitude, just lay back & go w the flow.
Again, all the wild monkey acrobatic spontaneous marathon sex in the world, won’t keep anyone from cheating, if that is what in their hearts.
Not having a voice in a relationship is far more detrimental to one’s well being than being able to communicate one’s likes and dislikes IMO.
ITA with Au Napp as well.
Honey, at me and my husband’s age I am just happy that he can still roll over and act like he want it even when I back it up! lol!!!!
LOL
Did I misread something? I see a lot of you talking about sex as a way of keeping someone from cheating. I definitely know that’s not the case. In a monogamous, committed, exclusive relationship Sex should be priority (or maybe I’m just different because I have a high sex drive *shrugs*)
I’m literally embarassed reading these comments. This site is full of intelligent women but as soon as sex and men are brought up, it’s straight back to whatever crap your grandma told you. If the men you are with can’t understand that you’re not a semen receptable 24/7, he’s not much of a man. And all this paranoia over him cheating on you! Good god! Flip the script. If you asked your man for sex and he said he was tired, would you run out in the middle of the night and cheat? Most likely not. So, why do you anticipate that your man will? Here’s a secret: Adult men are just as capable of being faithful as a woman. Even in the ups and downs of a long-term relationship. Y’all are throwing the P at these men like that will keep them. It won’t. If he wants to cheat, he will. If he wants to leave, he will. Just be a good gf/wife, be intimate when it feels right, and make him feel loved. Anything else is totally out of your hands.
You know!!, I’ve never seen so many ass backward comments. No wonder the Republicans are trying to snatch up women’s rights left and right. I see why I stay on Jezzie. Damn, I thought we were progressing.
Ok! I’m waiting for some ppl to make it into the 21 century, or even last decade of the 20th century.
Spoken as the truly naive.
You are right, if a man is drawn to cheating, he will cheat.
But do you know what the number one complaint men have about their marriage?: sex.
“Believe it or not, estimates say one in 2.7 men will cheat on their wives at some point in the marriage and their wives will never know. This information from a M. Gary Neuman the author of “ The Truth About Cheating”. The number one warning sign of men cheating is he spends more time away from home. In a interview with Oprah, Neuman said 92% of the men say it isn’t about sex, rather a sense of feeling under appreciated. The number one complaint from married men about their sex lives at home? The majority say it’s the frequency of sex.”
Yes, this is the 21st Century. We are free to say no to sex. We can use a million and one reasons for why we won’t or why we shouldn’t. However, if you want to be happy, you keep your man happy. And if your man wants you to be happy, he will keep you happy. It goes both ways. From what I’m reading here, a lot of women are down with keeping their man happy and it seems that their men are keeping them happy.
You want to have sex only when you feel like it? Fine, at least educate yourself and read up on women’s sexual drive vs men’s and you will find that men, especially ones in monogamous, committed relationships, are dependent on feeling loved and needed and desired and to them that means that their women wants to have sex with them. When they were single they could sleep around as much as their looks, charm and money allowed, but then they chose one woman to commit to and suddenly the sex dries up and you think men should be just fine with that? Did I already mention that is the number one complaint men have? Oh yeah….I did.
So you keep living in that delusional world where just telling your man you love him but only giving him sex once a week/month works perfectly for you, based on your time, sleep needs and desire. Unless he has a low sex drive, in which case you are perfectly compatible, he’s not happy.
And as for the cracks about women here not being liberated or believing in Grandma’s tales, I am 45, mother of 6, been married, divorced, and now am happily in a committed relationship, have a degree, own my own home, in a well paying job and work for a Fortune 100 company and believe in keeping my man happy, because god knows he works overtime at keeping me happy. I may not say “yes” every single time, but I rarely say no and I don’t feel like I’m being a “receptacle:” or his “masturbation tool” or used. Or maybe I just learned over all my years, just how enjoyable sex can be, and so don’t think of it as an unnecessary expenditure of my time.
Peace out.
You said it all CurlySue–excellent comment!
Caramel, I agree 1000%. I hope all of these ladies get hooked with men who have a very low sex drive, because there is going to some general unhappiness in their relationships otherwise. SMDH
If you keep saying no, he’ll soon find someone to say yes.
And if he keeps acting like an ass whenever I say no, I will find someone who won’t.
You can say yes, yes, yes, that still won’t stop him from finding someone else to say yes, if that’s what he wants.
IDK what yall are talking about, but if my man is so desperate for sex that he’d rather get it from someone else than respect MY decision on what I wanna do with MY body, then he’s NOT the man I need to be with. Sex is not a REWARD- I don’t give a damn how much he “loves” and “adores” me, how willing he is to “please me”.
Yall are settling for some crap if you think you owe him your body because of his affections. I’m only in my early 20s, but I’e learned enough to know the importance of NOT settling for what a man is willing to give if it’s something that I’m not okay with- one of them being “sex whenever”, ESPECIALLY if the man is not my husband! If you’re having sex with your significant so he wont “need” to step out on you, then it IS pity sex- it’s a pity that he can’t control himself and it’s pitiful that you feel the need to satiate him for that reason.
I let my S/O know from the jump: I’m not a morning person, I am serious about my sleep, and I get cranky when I’m not well rested. And, personally, I am more concerned with strong intimacy and valuing each other than sex. I believe that sex is as important as the strength and truth of the relationship.
Yall women know youre difficult…
Ew desperation is NEVER sexy.
Now bark like a dog on one foot.
Ugh, please ladies learn to stay sexy for yourself and your man. Keep it poppin like you 1st met him. The only thing that should change is time. Withholding something that is this necessary to a man because you sleepy or mad because he said the chicken was dry then you need to grow up. I’m divorced and my marriage did not end because of this, we have two kids and both worked crazy hours, he tapped and I rolled over…vice versa I know my vows honey. What it took to get him……
Some comments here are scary to say the least. You want to tell me to keep a man you berra sex him all day erryhour?! If a man’s gonna cheat, your sexing-whether pornstarrish or not he will….stop the delusion. It’s not the sex. It’s the unfamiliarity that is exciting.
@African Mami
I agree with your point.
I think a lot of people are missing the point. Or refuses to acknowledge other people’s views.
its the opposite for me, im always waking my man and he always wants to sleep lol
Well, I turned down my man because:
I was tired
I felt unattractive at the moment
I had work to do
I wasn’t in the mood for sex
I was tense
Something good was on TV
But I told him I loved him, and I made sure to kiss him goodbye every morning, and we cuddled on the couch, even if I had to keep pushing his hands away.
He never cheated on me, but he sat me down after two years and told me he loved me more than he thought it was ever possible to love someone, but he needed more sexual intimacy. He said he needed more sex and he wanted more sex from the woman he loved, and it wasn’t happening, and it was killing him. All the “talks” we had did nothing, he said. And he just couldn’t see himself signing up for that kind of frustration for another 30, 40 years.
I told him it was my body and he didn’t get to use whenever he wanted to, that I was only going to have sex when I wanted to, and that was all there was to it.
So we broke up and I thought he would come back, but he never did. He married another woman 19 months later. And the really weird thing about all of this is that I actually LOVE sex. I am no prude, I get down and freaky. It’s just the moment has to be right and I’ve really got to be feeling it, you know? I just don’t need it that often and any little thing can take away the mood.
I’m sure a lot of you would say, “Well, it’s obvious you two were not a match, so it’s all for the best anyway”. And I convinced myself of the same thing. But now, years later, I realize that I loved hiim deeply, and I STILL love him and that there probably will never be anyone as compatiable with me that will love me with the kind of pure, devoted love he had for me.
Oddly enough, I still think I did the right thing. My body is my body, and it doesn’t belong to any man to have access to it whenever the urge strikes him. I still think he should have just stuck it out and learned to control his sexual impulses down to a level that was closer to mine. Even though I’ve paid a heavy price for that, I still believe I did the right thing.
I guess that happy relationships between men and women happen when:
The man has a low sex drive (for a man)
The woman has a high sex drive (for a woman)
The woman provides sexual relief to her man more than she really wants to
The man suppresses his sex cravings
Somebody’s cheating
These are the only answers I can come up with.
I want to be a smart-ass and say, well, I guess you showed him who was boss, but, you know something, it’s just too sad. But at least it sounds like you’re perfectly okay with your decision, but I hope you’re 25 as opposed to 35. Men you are completely compatible with are not so easy to find, honey. And it only gets harder as you get older, not easier. Take it from me.
You should have tried to meet in some middle ground.. he controls himself half the time and you give in half the time. soon both of you would have gotten used to it. You would learn to enjoy the sex and how nice the man is after you please him. and he would have made the best out of the sex you had and would have tried to please you more so you want more.
@ cookie,
I find your 25, 35 year comment very interesting. Care to expound on it?!
African Mami –
There’s not much more to say other than what I said; it’s tougher to find that perfect match when you get older because there’s less to pick from. There are many more single people in their twenties than in their thirties. People are all booed up in an unmarried LTR or marriage by the time they get to their thirties. Some of the single people in their thirties are single by choice, some are single for good reason (no one wants them), and some are single because they’ve been through some wrenching, bitter divorce. There’s just a lot less of the kind of men around you might actually want to go out with.
@ Cookie,
Wow…thanks A LOT!
African Mami –
I will be 40 this year, and this isn’t a bad age to get dates; I can date all I want. But in terms of me really clicking with someone, falling in love with them and wanting to be with them the rest of my life? Nope, haven’t met a guy like that for years. And then, when you do meet him, he’s got to feel the same way about you, it’s not just a one-way street, he’s got to love you like crazy, too. It’s just tougher, that’s all.
@ Cookie,
Your insight has really put things into perspective for me. I think when we are in our twenties-we really think that we will always have IT-but the reality is that, as we progress in age, our options sort of start to shrink-whether we like to admit it or not. I remember a couple of years back-I shrugged off a dude who was interested in dating me, and he made the remark “Wait till you hit your thirties, you think people like me will always be there”. I scoffed him off, but NOW I see that he did have a point-although that was not the point he was trying to drive home then. Thanks a lot!!!!! :) Stay blessed, happy datings!
You’re better off listening to your grandma who had a man than your feminist friends who don’t even like them.
Yo obviously know nothing about feminism to make such a trite comment.
You obviously know nothing about feminism to make such a trite comment.
Two snaps in a circle! You are so charming, Mr. Jay! I’m sure women can’t get enough of your charm. Including your Grandma.
Why do we always have to take it to the extremes? Why does not wanting to have sex at 5 a.m. mean that men are not getting it on a regular basis? I don’t get where some of these conclusions are coming from. My man gets up at 4 a.m everyday. He has a job that takes up a lot of his time. A lot of times he’s working outside of work. As a result, sleep is not something he gets a lot of. If I were to wake him up at 3 a.m., knowing he went to bed at 11, after having already had sex, knowing he needed to be up in an hour, he’d be pissed. Really mad. If they’re honest a lot of the guys on here know they would be mad too. Why am I not given this same right to be mad? I get 4 hours a sleep on a good day. At the moment, I am still able to deal with the repercussions and hopefully once I reach my desired place that will change. So I am not with the whole waking me up during my sleep thing, unless it’s a day I am not working or something that does not occur on the regular. My job is important to my well being. I need it. So those who disagree, how do you suggest I function? And why does this mean that my man isn’t getting enough sex, which we have usually around 5 times a week?
“Why do we always have to take it to the extremes?”
That’s what I said!
Sex and intimacy have different definitions some of y’all need to decifer the two words a little more carefully….
It’s interesting to me that there are some women on this post saying that you should provide sex to your man when he wants it, because if you don’t, he will cheat on you. Their reason for giving their men sex when they’re not in the mood is because of fear.
Then there are some other women on this post saying that they give their man sex (whether it’s vaginal intercourse or not, it’s some kind of sexual release) when they’re not in the mood because they love him and he deserves it because of all the things he does for her, and it’s just part of the overall give and take in their LTR. Their reason for giving their men sex when they’re not feeling amorous is because of love and reciprocity.
I don’t agree with the first reason (fear),because it’s a bad thing to base a relationship on, and also, it doesn’t make any sense because if a guy is a cheater, he’s going to cheat on you whether you’re beautiful or rich or give him a lot of sex, because that’s what cheaters do. They cheat.
I wholeheartedly agree with the second reason (love and reciprocity).
What I find interesting is the women on here criticizing that don’t differentiate between the two points of view; to them, it’s the same thing, a woman debasing herself for some man. The scorn is the same.
To me, it’s very, very different. One set of women are doing it because they are afraid. One set of women are doing it out of love and selflessness.
But to the women dinging them, one is just as bad as the other.
Is is just bad in general to do something for a man, even if he’s doing stuff for me, and even if we’re in love? I’m trying to understand where all of this anger and resentment is coming from.
I used to be of the second group, but performing sexual acts, any sexual acts no matter how unpenetrative, when you don’t want to only leads to resentment. Then you’re training your body to perform when it doesn’t want and become numb to sexual feelings. That probably sounds extreme to you but sex isn’t like to be taken lightly. As women we are already trained to have a negative attitude toward sex. To feel that we aren’t as sexual as men, won’t orgasm as often, can’t get as excited. The first step to unlearning all of that is to enjoy our sexuality. To make sex fun and that starts with enjoying what we are doing. You really, really shouldn’t do it when you don’t want to. Absolutely counter productive. Of course I’m only going to have sex when I want to!
Side note- I love how these women are only here insisting we give it up at 3, 4, 5 am, sideways, upside down and everything else, and then saying they are divorced! Comic relief. It didn’t work, why do it?!
“Extreme” isn’t the adjective that came to mind when I was reading your comment, actually.
Other adjectives came to mind, but in the interests of brevity, I’ll say that this second-level Women’s Studies dogma you’re reciting has zero effect on someone like me. I am a veteran of that sort of rhetoric and I have the relationship scars and medals to prove it.
I don’t know about you, but almost every single woman I was in Woman’s Studies with back in the day was either a lesbian then or is a lesbian now.
I am not a lesbian, but I am still a feminist. It just so happens that I am a feminist that loves men, and is very practical about the sexual dynamic between a man with normal amounts of testosterone and a woman with average amounts of estrogen and self-awareness of her worth.
I will stick to my point of view on this subject and my activities around same. I bet you will, too. Regardless of whose point of view is correct in this instance, i’m glad that the women reading these comments were able to see both viewpoints.
Personally, I can never waste morning wood. I’m generally in the mood for some wake-up sex. I think the title of this article is a bit misleading because I wouldn’t call that pity sex. Rather, to have sex when you’re not in the mood, should be called “obligatory sex” because it comes from a sense of feeling obligated to do something you don’t necessarily want to do.