Ignoring the Shoulder Rub: Why I Don’t Do Pity Sex

by Arielle Loren

We’ve all been there. It’s 5am in the morning; your partner comes out of a dream horny, and slowly slides their hands to your shoulder to gently wake you from your deep slumber. As you’re pulled from your beautiful dream vacation in Tahiti, you realize that no, you’re not being woken up for an emergency, instead your partner is slowly beginning to kiss your neck in hopes of making you aroused. You glance over at the alarm clock. It’s hours before you have to be at work.

Really? Did you REALLY just pull me out of my sleeping glory just so you can get some?

At least, that’s what crosses your mind. You have a choice to make. You either decide to conjure up your hormones to enjoy this awakening or you choose to put sleep first.

I choose the latter. I almost always ignore the shoulder rub or tell my partner to chill out.

I’m not the best morning person. It typically takes me a minute to get my mind right when I wake up and if you say anything to me in the first 20 minutes after waking, I likely won’t remember. When it comes to sex, I’m all or nothing. Either I’m fully present and ready to make your toes curl or I’m asking you to get off me because I’m not in the mood. I love sex as much as the next person, but I truly believe in honoring my body’s needs and not forcing my vagina to do anything it doesn’t want to.

But there are those that beg to differ, those who grant their partner that early morning quickie while silently hoping that they’d finish as soon as possible. I get it. In particular, when dealing with a male partner, most wake up with hard-ons. But there’s no point in entering sex tired and irritated just because your partner would prefer to stroke instead of releasing on his own.

I’ve had this conversation with my girlfriends, and most are tired of getting that early morning shoulder rub.

“Without fail, it always happens. We have sex the evening before, go to sleep exhausted and peaceful. And then he wakes me up at 5am,” said one of my home girls. She wasn’t even talking about the same dude either. It seems to be a recurring pattern with most of her male partners.

So I asked her if she gave him some after he woke her up. She replied yeah with a bit of agitation in her voice. I told her that the opposite of that word would save her a lot of grief and sleep. What’s so hard about telling your partner no when you’re not in the mood?

I recognize that there are two (or more) people to please in a sexual relationship, but with the right communication and conversations, I’m sure that the parties involved can express what times are not best for sex. After all, it’s important that sexual partners be on the same page when it comes to pleasure. Sex is supposed to reduce stress and cater to our desires, not become aggravating.

Do you grant your partner pity sex? Or are you always in the mood? Speak on it!

  • Jayne Dirt

    Well this depends on whether it’s live in dick that you have a legitimate partnership with, a simple boyfriend situation, or a fly by night bed warmer. If it’s the former, I think it’s important to give in more often than not, particularly if it’s real life shit involved in your relationship (i.e. shared resources, kids, mortgage, etc…) In such cases you better let that man think he has full reign over all 3 of your holes (pussy, mouth, and anus) lest you give him more reason to step out on you, putting you both at risk down the line.

  • memyself&?I

    Really? Like for reals? Remember you told your man NO the next time you wake him out of his sleep to please you. If you don’t want to have sex with your partner because you are tired…you need to be single. Trust me, if you keep telling a good man that loves you, adores you, respects you and lives with you NO to sex, you won’t have him for long. Know that.

  • memyself&?I

    Also, how is YOUR man asking YOU for sex “pity sex”? I am totally confused here.

  • http://musedmagonline.com Drew-Shane

    I don’t think it’s pity sex. Did he do anything wrong? I think he’s just a little horny and wants to be satisfied. I’m not a morning person either, so hopefully my partner never decides this but if so I would do my best. Lick or release something… I know I would want the favor to be extended.

    Now pity or make up sex, I’m still down. I guess I’m always down for the cause :sadface:

  • OSHH

    Yeah this whole article is not about pity sex. Pity sex is something alll together different!

    *Raised eyebrow @ Jayne Dirt* IMO the man should respect and be responsive to his woman’s mood and vice versa…and doing all of what you describe free reign over all a woman’s orifices, doesn’t keep a cheater from cheating if that is what is in his heart.

  • Tonton Michel

    Yes pity might be the wrong word for this.

  • http://herlilblackbook.com HLBB

    Yeah. “Pity” is the wrong word for this.
    Also, I find morning sex to be fun…maybe not 5 a.m fun, but definitely 6 or 7 a.m., but that’s just me.

    @jayne dirt *side eye* and a slow shaking head. “In such cases you better let that man think he has full reign over all 3 of your holes (pussy, mouth, and anus) lest you give him more reason to step out on you, putting you both at risk down the line.”

    Uh. No. I reign over me. Relationships should not be about submission or dominance. It’s about sharing.

  • Alexandra

    Your partner should respect your wishes. Perhaps setting up a certain time for intimacy and sleep, would help; but that may not work cause everyones mood changes. I’d give it a try.

    All else sounds selfish.

  • Caramel

    Really? When I keep reading about the lack of interest in daily sex and now pity sex, I have to wonder if it’s just me that stumbled on to a good thing or am I that different? My man wakes me every morning, anytime between 5 and 7 am for morning sex. And yes, 98% of the time we had sex the night before. So….yeah, I’m sleepy, but I also know what’s coming and guess what? I like it too. So I roll over and we get our groove on. To me this is a good thing, not an obligation, not pity. It’s passion and it’s love and it’s pleasure. How can sleep beat that?

  • Princess P

    Um, who remembers the first Sex and the City when it had been 6mos since Miranda and Steve had sex, she finally gave him some (grudgingly-complaing to hurry up and get it over cause they had work in 4hrs) then BOOM! He cheated.

    I have noooooo sympathy for her or women like her. This man loved and adored her, and something as simple as a couple of bj’s and some morining quickies would have saved her all the drama (it’s a movie, but you get the point).

    I never say no to sex in a relationship. And when I do get married best believe I’ll be turning cartwheels in the bedroom for my HUSBAND, whether its 2pm or 2am.

  • OSHH

    She wasn’t sexing her man at all or making him feel desired etc.
    That is an extreme but even in that extreme if you are married you try to work through lack of desire, it happens for a number of reasons, medical and otherwise to both men and women. What you don’t do is ignore the root causes and just give in, that will breed resentment, and the other partner should not be so quick to cheat either.
    The largest sex organ is the mind and alot of times I think folk overlook that fact.

  • gottalaugh

    That third hole? hhmmmm….I’m not so sure about that one! LOL

  • au napptural

    Wow at these comments! The author didn’t say she turns down all sex, just that she isn’t a morning person. She says she wants to be into it, which is complete reasonably! Sex should be enjoyable, not a chore to please a man. It is completely crazy to say she should be a human pincushion and just take it so her man can get his rocks off. I’m sure he knows that she doesn’t like morning sex. It is selfish of him to keep asking for it when he knows she doesn’t like it. Y’all make it sound like she’s a witch b/c she won’t fawn all over the man and cater to his every whim.

    If they have an otherwise good sex life and she prefers to sleep in the morning idk why she would change. People want to use fear as a motivator- he’ll leave or cheat or something. If he’s that petty and childish to cheat or leave b/c he didn’t get his way on demand, she’s better off. A REAL man talks it out if he has a problem, he doesn’t act out like a petulant kid.

  • StacyAustralia

    I agree “Pity sex” is the wrong term. However I disagree with the article if I have a good man and he wants sex I’m going to be Janet Jackson “Anytime Anyplace”
    yep, I agree with Jayne Dirt

  • Angel

    If my man woke me at 5am for sex I am like: “Oh hell yeah”!
    First of all, the man is AMAZING, I’ve met no one like him.
    Second, I love him like crazy and he loves me.
    Third, when I want a lil somethin’-somethin’ and he’s busy working at home, yes he *will* stop and lay it on me. How could I do any less for him?

    If you want sex anytime you ask and get it, how can you expect your man not to want the same thing?
    It’s only fair.

  • SweetT

    First of all I am smh at some of these comments. Everyone, man or woman, has the right to say NO without fear of their partner stepping out on them. Yes, you should try to please your partner, but that doesn’t mean that you have to submit to their every whim and fancy and disregard your own needs which in this case is sleep. Having sex, cooking, cleaning or doing anything simply because “He might cheat…she might leave” means that the man/woman you’re trying to keep ain’t yours anyway or you wouldn’t have to be scared into screwing. Slaves screwed their masters out of fear that they would get beat or killed if they resisted…last I checked, I wasn’t a slave and can say no if I damn well choose. And if me not saying yes when and where he asks causes him to leave then I gladly chuck the deuces because in a relationship OUR needs should be met, not just his and if my need is sleep respect that…I’ll spit shine the soul pole and take it for a ride when I’m up and rested.

    With that being said, yes, I have rolled over in the middle of the night on occasion and have asked my man to do the same when the mood strikes me as well. I don’t think of it as pity, more like spontaneity. Scheduling sex takes the fun and passion out of it, so if he wants it a 3am and I need to get up at 6am, but I’m down anyway, then why the hell not. It’s not like he’s some random dude…he’s my man. I would just hope he didn’t make it a 5 day a week habit lol.

  • Caramel

    If you think having sex is the being a “human pincushion” or a “chore”, then I think you’re doing it wrong or have an extremely low sex drive. Also I tend to follow the writers here so I might be more familiar with their proclivities (based on their articles) than you are, so allow me to share this writer’s previous article, it might help you understand the comments : “In fact, my body *rarely* craves penetrative intercourse, even though I enjoy it thoroughly when it occurs.” The point being that it’s not just morning sex that she discourages. Not that it makes her wrong. She doesn’t have the sex drive, but she did ask to hear what others think about sex and if they are always or at least more in the mood than she tends to be.

    If you think a man is going to stick around in a relationship that does not satisfy his sexual needs, forever, then you are sorely mistaken. No one should stay in a relationship that leaves him or her perpetually dissatisfied. In the long run, that person is either driven to cheat to meet that need or they leave the relationship to find one more suitable. It’s not about catering to someone’s every whim, it’s caring about your partner enough to meet their needs. Heck, think of it as food, if every time your partner says he or she is hungry and you’re too tired, too busy, too preoccupied to cook, after awhile they are going to find some place else to go sate their appetite. Sex is as much a physical need as food. If you are with someone where your individual needs do not match up, then you need to evaluate the pros and cons of remaining in that situation indefinitely.

  • Sylence336

    My man already knows I’m not a morning person. And I let him know from the GET GO if he woke me up in the middle of the night or early morning it could go one of two ways: I’m excited that he actually woke me up to get some…BE AGGRESSIVE MEN…OR…a brush-off or not even acknowledge the fact that he’s trying and roll over and stay asleep. I just say be prepared men…YES we want to please you but if we woke you up at 5AM and asked you to cook breakfast for us, I doubt we’d be expecting any different of a reaction….

  • Sylence336

    Well said!

  • Angie

    I agree with you, Sweet T. The “you’d better screw him when he wants it or else” mentality doesn’t work for me. That sounds like the making of some movie on Lifetime. I can’t get aroused and enjoy love making with my man if I’m doing it out of fear or obligation. At some point it would start to feel like a chore and since I hate chores, at some point I may start to hate sex…with him, that is.

  • CD86

    Me Myself & I – If one truly respects another person, then they will respect them when they are told “no” no matter what the situation is.

  • Jayne Dirt

    Well in that case share your holes…sharing is caring! (^_^)

  • Caramel

    Actually, if I woke my man at 5am and asked for breakfast, he would get up and make me breakfast and that is why if he asks for sex at 5am, he gets sex. It’s a two way street here. We do for each other and that is what makes it work.

  • CD86

    The sentiment here from many of you seem to be the classic notion that women should do whatever a man wants no matter how uncomfortable it makes her so that the man can be happy, because after all, a man’s happiness is way more important than a woman’s.

    Also, I think what the author may have meant by ‘pity sex’, is that she is pitying him, not because he did something wrong, but because of how pitiful he may be acting to get sex so early in the morning from her.

  • Mariah

    okay, I’m glad to see I’m not the only who thinks that what is described in this article is NOT pity sex. I actually enjoy morning sex. Actually, I enjoy all sex, but morning sex is the bomb. I never have and never will engage in pity sex. That’s just gross to me. Like, “come on boy, I feel sorry for you. lemme give you some to make it all better” YUCK!

  • au napptural

    Apparently her partners are fine with her sexual feelings. And any activity be it sex, eating, or cartwheels is unpleasant when you don’t want to do it, like the author stated. It is not about sex being a chore, rather about enthusiastic consent. The author says she wants to be wholeheartedly into the sex going on, not just there. That isn’t just normal that’s good! Why would you want to force yourself into something that is supposed to bring pleasure?

    The idea that a woman (or anyone) should be miserable to please their partner is ignorant. And the converse ideas that men are horny animals unable to control their sex drives or that all men have super high drives are equally ignorant. I’m not reading “low sex drive” in the fact the author rarely craves penetrative sex. That could mean she’s a bigger fan of oral sex or outercourse or foreplay. All legit sexual expression. And maybe her partners are big fans of all those items as well- hence satisfaction. Or perhaps their sex drives aren’t the mythical huge ones. Morning wood, as science proves, isn’t about sexual desire. Most men wake up that way because of neuro-reflexes during REM sleep. Once it is there sure they wouldn’t mind some sex, but if the partner isn’t interested I’m sure they will be ok.


    It’s funny how a woman gets labeled as having a low sex drive or other inane things if she’s not willing to swing from a chandelier on demand, any time. And if a person, man or woman, was in a relationship that made them unhappy, it is a mark of a lack of character to cheat. If you are unhappy, work on the problem or leave. You can’t blame your choices on someone else.

  • binks

    Agreed with your and Caramel’s entire assessment. You shouldn’t do something you don’t want to because your afraid of losing your man/woman you do have the right to say “no, not now” but I think most comments are hinting at that it just seems unfair to the partner’s needs too, especially if said partner is on point. Relationships are about give and take we do things to and for our partners when we don’t feel like it but do it to make them happy just like they do it for us. Sometimes you have to compromise and meet each other half way and communicate. Why not say, “boo the 5am sex is killing me but can we meet at lunch and have a quickie or I ‘ll meet you in the bedroom when you come home…” there always better ways to do things

  • Oh Yeah

    There is no such thing as pity sex in our house. I do have sex when I am not feeling up to it because I am not the only person that I have to think about. He rarely wakes me for sex before 8 am, but if he did, I would give it to him because he does it for me…because I sure have on occasion woke him up with a bj and more…

    Although I’m not a morning person, I would like to wake up to his hands all over me.

  • Cia


    You must be single or rather unmarried. There will always be situations when one partner says “no.” And saying “no” doesn’t mean that you should be single. Sex is an important part of relationships but we are people and sometimes we are tired or just not in the mood and partners should respect our right to say “not now.”

  • Srenda

    I’ve always understood “pity sex” to mean having sex with a person you don’t find attractive at all or for some reason you are feeling repulsed by them because you feel guilty that you don’t want them (and maybe you just like/love this person as a friend) and their begging you for it, maybe whining or crying, really getting inside your head and er, well, maybe you’re a little horny, too and nobody will find out anyway or even if they did they’d never believe that you’d have sex with that person. Yup, that’s real pity sex.

  • Gap-toothed Goddess

    I concur. I don’t turn down morning sex, afternoon sex, “let me get some before we go out” sex…nothing. When I get awaken or when I wake him up, we know what time it is, handle it and go back to sleep. Sounds very simple.

  • Regina

    This is not pity sex as described; this is “accommodating sex”.

    And yes, I accommodate my SO all the time because he deserves it. If he needs some sex cause he’s all horny, I try to make that happen for him. If I don’t feel like it, then what happens is that I give him sex, i.e. a handjob or a blowjob. I don’t even take my clothes off. Five, ten minutes later, he feels ever so much better, and I go back to doing whatever it was I was doing before. Everybody’s happy. It’s easy, it’s quick, and I don’t mind. I don’t feel like having sex as much as he does, and using this method, both of us have exactly the amount of sex we both want to have. Him more, me less. Now, if I’m in the mood too, then we’ll throw down together.

    But I don’t mind taking care of him like that, not at all. Do you know how easy and quick it is to make a guy cum like that when he’s already worked up?

    He deserves it, hell, he only gets to have a single orgasm when we throw down together, and I have two (and once in a great while, three). So, you know, it all works out.

    I’m happy to service that thing when he wants some and I don’t.

  • sunshyne84

    Sometimes, but don’t expect much out of me.

  • acb

    @ Princess P.

    Really? You never turn down sex in a relationship? So you are giving up your body at all times when your man desires, yet you are not married yet? Interesting….. Goes to show how important sex is in a relationship but NOT important at the same time.

    Just a thought! :-)

  • CurlySue

    I’d like to hear of a single instance where a woman granting a man access to her a**hole stopped him from cheating? I’ll wait…. Actually, no I won’t. It’s never happened. Neva eva eva. It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of. “Damn, I was gonna eff that stripper, but since my gf let’s me buttf*ck her…Nahhh”

  • caramelgirl


    I totally agree with you girl. Maybe my situation is different since I don’t live with my boyfriend and anytime I spend the night with him it’s always special and we often have sex during the night, go to sleep, he’ll nudge me around 7 am or so with a hard on wanting to get it on and 90% of the time, i wanna do it too. I actually look forward to our early morning trysts and think that its a good way to start off the day. But in arielle’s situation, I can totally understand why she feels that way. If my partner wanted to have sex and I wasn’t in the mood, I wont do it against my vagina’s wishes and ignore her feelings, I’ll try and make a compromise and if that doesn’t work then he’ll just have to understand that I can take care of him another day, just not now. Any person in a loving committed relationship knows that you have to make compromises sometimes and thing’s aren’t always gona go the way you want. If you can’t compromise, communicate your wants/needs while understanding and being respectful of your partners’, then the relationship won’t last long.

    also, i think a better title for this would be , “pacifying sex” because it isnt really pity, but rather sex to pacify their needs

  • A.p~

    Well said @ au napptural. I concur.

  • Cynika

    i’m most likely to be the one to wake him up & i cant be w somebody thats not always ready lol- i dont see anything wrong w spontaneity & i swear u give the worst relationship advice. everything isnt just about what u want, sometimes u gotta do stuff just bc the other person would do it for u- thats how women get cheated on. all the rules & attitude, just lay back & go w the flow.

  • Tia

    Honey, at me and my husband’s age I am just happy that he can still roll over and act like he want it even when I back it up! lol!!!!

  • OSHH

    Again, all the wild monkey acrobatic spontaneous marathon sex in the world, won’t keep anyone from cheating, if that is what in their hearts.
    Not having a voice in a relationship is far more detrimental to one’s well being than being able to communicate one’s likes and dislikes IMO.

    ITA with Au Napp as well.

  • OSHH


  • StacyAustralia

    Did I misread something? I see a lot of you talking about sex as a way of keeping someone from cheating. I definitely know that’s not the case. In a monogamous, committed, exclusive relationship Sex should be priority (or maybe I’m just different because I have a high sex drive *shrugs*)

  • http://www.erinbraxton.com Erin

    I kind of disagree here. I’ve had live a live in boyfriend and men that were boyfriends who want to get it in early in the morning. And my response really has to do with how much I’m into them as well as how good the sex is. In the past, as a twenty-something, I really wasn’t enjoying sex as much, and was more interested in pleasing my partner and less interested in getting mine. But as I mature thirty-something, I am loving and enjoying sex more than ever, and welcome the opportunity to have it when I’m with someone I enjoy.

    Some guys are completely annoying, and I’ve found myself pulled out of my dreams only to find that my man was on top of me and had already started without me!. A shoulder nudge doesn’t begin to describe annoying like this action. But I’m thinking that if you’re with the man you want to be with and enjoying him, you’ll be less irritated and more ready to get as much out of it as he is!

    One thing…if you have a guy that can keep it a calmer, relaxing and less of a back-breaking session of gymnastics and acrobatics, the idea is much more inviting.

  • Caramel

    You missed the whole point of my reply. And at no point did I hear anyone talking about morning wood. We all know that is not from sexual desire. Well, anyone over the age of 16 that is.

    And where did anyone mention being miserable in order to please their partner? Seems the me the only people talking about being miserable are the ones who don’t feel like they should be responsible for meeting their partner’s needs. I’m getting the vibe here that everyone else who said they try to satisfy their partners seem pretty contented in their relationships.

  • Vance

    Damn,this is my dream girl right here. A dude doesn’t always need you to get naked and get into it, sometimes he just needs to nut.

  • Jayne Dirt

    Speaking as a woman who has been a mistress AND a wife, trust me I have had someone’s husband get the kind of sex from me that his woman wasn’t giving him!

  • CurlySue

    @ Erin “I’ve found myself pulled out of my dreams only to find that my man was on top of me and had already started without me!” That’s called rape and should not be tolerated under any circumstances! No man has the right to enter you when you’re unconscious. That’s just disgusting and I’m sorry that it’s happened to you before.

  • CurlySue

    Congrats on having been a mistress but that doesn’t make you an expert. A mistress is lied to just as much as the wife. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have all these foolish women running around convinced the guy will leave his wife for her. And again, if a man is prone to cheat, he will. Using the excuse of not getting enough a** sex is just that…an excuse. But you tell yourself whatever you need to in order to feel superior to the wife.

  • CurlySue

    I’m literally embarassed reading these comments. This site is full of intelligent women but as soon as sex and men are brought up, it’s straight back to whatever crap your grandma told you. If the men you are with can’t understand that you’re not a semen receptable 24/7, he’s not much of a man. And all this paranoia over him cheating on you! Good god! Flip the script. If you asked your man for sex and he said he was tired, would you run out in the middle of the night and cheat? Most likely not. So, why do you anticipate that your man will? Here’s a secret: Adult men are just as capable of being faithful as a woman. Even in the ups and downs of a long-term relationship. Y’all are throwing the P at these men like that will keep them. It won’t. If he wants to cheat, he will. If he wants to leave, he will. Just be a good gf/wife, be intimate when it feels right, and make him feel loved. Anything else is totally out of your hands.

  • Fab_Niki

    If you keep saying no, he’ll soon find someone to say yes.

  • Jayne Dirt

    @CurlySue Girl please, I don’t need a medal for having been a mistress, I’m simply stating I’ve been on BOTH sides of the coin, and the latter was a mutually beneficial arrangement for me at the time (you live and you learn), never wanted to be his wife, in fact I think I helped his relationship by doing what his wife did not, would I do it again NO, but it is what it is.
    Anyway…we agree on this one fact, that a man will cheat, if he has that proclivity regardless, but all I’m saying is if you can help it, don’t give him a reason to by being selfish with the p. Does the song “Clean up woman” come to mind, that ho is always around the corner, to do what you will not…that is all (-_-)

  • The Taker

    You know!!, I’ve never seen so many ass backward comments. No wonder the Republicans are trying to snatch up women’s rights left and right. I see why I stay on Jezzie. Damn, I thought we were progressing.

  • Tumaini

    And if he keeps acting like an ass whenever I say no, I will find someone who won’t.

  • au napptural

    @ Regina- so basically you let him use you to masturbate? Lovely.

    @Vance- So you just want an orifice that can lay still, rather than a person to please and have a relationship with- seek help

  • au napptural

    Ok! I’m waiting for some ppl to make it into the 21 century, or even last decade of the 20th century.

  • au napptural

    You can say yes, yes, yes, that still won’t stop him from finding someone else to say yes, if that’s what he wants.

  • Caramel

    Spoken as the truly naive.

    You are right, if a man is drawn to cheating, he will cheat.

    But do you know what the number one complaint men have about their marriage?: sex.

    “Believe it or not, estimates say one in 2.7 men will cheat on their wives at some point in the marriage and their wives will never know. This information from a M. Gary Neuman the author of “ The Truth About Cheating”. The number one warning sign of men cheating is he spends more time away from home. In a interview with Oprah, Neuman said 92% of the men say it isn’t about sex, rather a sense of feeling under appreciated. The number one complaint from married men about their sex lives at home? The majority say it’s the frequency of sex.”

    Yes, this is the 21st Century. We are free to say no to sex. We can use a million and one reasons for why we won’t or why we shouldn’t. However, if you want to be happy, you keep your man happy. And if your man wants you to be happy, he will keep you happy. It goes both ways. From what I’m reading here, a lot of women are down with keeping their man happy and it seems that their men are keeping them happy.

    You want to have sex only when you feel like it? Fine, at least educate yourself and read up on women’s sexual drive vs men’s and you will find that men, especially ones in monogamous, committed relationships, are dependent on feeling loved and needed and desired and to them that means that their women wants to have sex with them. When they were single they could sleep around as much as their looks, charm and money allowed, but then they chose one woman to commit to and suddenly the sex dries up and you think men should be just fine with that? Did I already mention that is the number one complaint men have? Oh yeah….I did.

    So you keep living in that delusional world where just telling your man you love him but only giving him sex once a week/month works perfectly for you, based on your time, sleep needs and desire. Unless he has a low sex drive, in which case you are perfectly compatible, he’s not happy.

    And as for the cracks about women here not being liberated or believing in Grandma’s tales, I am 45, mother of 6, been married, divorced, and now am happily in a committed relationship, have a degree, own my own home, in a well paying job and work for a Fortune 100 company and believe in keeping my man happy, because god knows he works overtime at keeping me happy. I may not say “yes” every single time, but I rarely say no and I don’t feel like I’m being a “receptacle:” or his “masturbation tool” or used. Or maybe I just learned over all my years, just how enjoyable sex can be, and so don’t think of it as an unnecessary expenditure of my time.

    Peace out.

  • cake211

    IDK what yall are talking about, but if my man is so desperate for sex that he’d rather get it from someone else than respect MY decision on what I wanna do with MY body, then he’s NOT the man I need to be with. Sex is not a REWARD- I don’t give a damn how much he “loves” and “adores” me, how willing he is to “please me”.

    Yall are settling for some crap if you think you owe him your body because of his affections. I’m only in my early 20s, but I’e learned enough to know the importance of NOT settling for what a man is willing to give if it’s something that I’m not okay with- one of them being “sex whenever”, ESPECIALLY if the man is not my husband! If you’re having sex with your significant so he wont “need” to step out on you, then it IS pity sex- it’s a pity that he can’t control himself and it’s pitiful that you feel the need to satiate him for that reason.

    I let my S/O know from the jump: I’m not a morning person, I am serious about my sleep, and I get cranky when I’m not well rested. And, personally, I am more concerned with strong intimacy and valuing each other than sex. I believe that sex is as important as the strength and truth of the relationship.

  • http://facebook Ceddy

    Yall women know youre difficult…

  • Regina

    au napptural –

    Don’t get it twisted in your tortured mind; I don’t do anything I don’t want to, and I never have. Never.

    When I’m in a long-term monogamous relationship based on reciprocity and equality, I’m completely okay with helping my man out like that. Sometimes he needs it. He doesn’t attack me or press himself upon me, I sense his need and take care of it. I would say the orgasm tally is probably about equal in my house.

    We’re a team, you know? Sometimes he cooks, sometimes I cook, but usually it’s him because he was trained as a chef. He picks up my dry-cleaning for me when I can’t, he does the grocery-shopping, I fold his shirts, etc. We are a committed couple; I would never do what I described for some joker I was just FWB or some guy I just met.

    I don’t know about you, but the way it works in my house is that sometimes we have sex and sometimes we make love, and either way, it’s really good.

    Hey, he gets up before I do every morning, and so he is just about going out the door when I am sitting up in bed, stretching, and sometimes, he’ll just push me back down and lick me silly until I have a heart-stopping orgasm. And then he’ll leave, without getting any satisfaction himself, cause he’s already late, and he’s gotta go.

    There, does that make you feel better? Now that you know some MAN is not oppressing me and using my body for sex, that I’m the one getting my rocks off, and he’s just getting…rocks.

    Some of you chicks need to grow up. Really.

  • Robz

    Ew desperation is NEVER sexy.

    Now bark like a dog on one foot.

  • shar qaan

    Are you really speaking of a TV show in comparison with reality, or did I miss something?

  • mamareese

    Ugh, please ladies learn to stay sexy for yourself and your man. Keep it poppin like you 1st met him. The only thing that should change is time. Withholding something that is this necessary to a man because you sleepy or mad because he said the chicken was dry then you need to grow up. I’m divorced and my marriage did not end because of this, we have two kids and both worked crazy hours, he tapped and I rolled over…vice versa I know my vows honey. What it took to get him……

  • LMO85

    You said it all CurlySue–excellent comment!

  • Cookie

    Regina, a thousand times, yes. You got it exactly right. These comments on here which can best be summed as “The moment has to be right, and if I feel like it, then maybe”, are indicative of what’s wrong with MEN AND WOMEN now. There’s this high level of self-absorption and narcissistic behavior, where it’s always, “it’s my way or the highway”, and, “if you don’t like it, leave”.

    I do the same thing for my husband, and him cheating on me if I don’t doesn’t even enter into it, I do it because it’s all part of what we do for each other. I’ve never done all of this for any other man, but, he’s my husband. And he does stuff (mostly non-sexual, but some sexual) for me that he’d rather not do, whether it’s painting a room three times because I couldn’t get the color right, or having my mother live with us, or doing way more foreplay than he wants because I need a lot of warming up.

    NEWSFLASH for you other women on this blog: No successful relationship is based on both people doing only exactly what they want to do.

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    Some comments here are scary to say the least. You want to tell me to keep a man you berra sex him all day erryhour?! If a man’s gonna cheat, your sexing-whether pornstarrish or not he will….stop the delusion. It’s not the sex. It’s the unfamiliarity that is exciting.

  • Cookie

    Caramel, I agree 1000%. I hope all of these ladies get hooked with men who have a very low sex drive, because there is going to some general unhappiness in their relationships otherwise. SMDH

  • Mimi

    @African Mami

    I agree with your point.

    I think a lot of people are missing the point. Or refuses to acknowledge other people’s views.

  • Maureen

    its the opposite for me, im always waking my man and he always wants to sleep lol

  • Karen2

    Well, I turned down my man because:

    I was tired
    I felt unattractive at the moment
    I had work to do
    I wasn’t in the mood for sex
    I was tense
    Something good was on TV

    But I told him I loved him, and I made sure to kiss him goodbye every morning, and we cuddled on the couch, even if I had to keep pushing his hands away.

    He never cheated on me, but he sat me down after two years and told me he loved me more than he thought it was ever possible to love someone, but he needed more sexual intimacy. He said he needed more sex and he wanted more sex from the woman he loved, and it wasn’t happening, and it was killing him. All the “talks” we had did nothing, he said. And he just couldn’t see himself signing up for that kind of frustration for another 30, 40 years.

    I told him it was my body and he didn’t get to use whenever he wanted to, that I was only going to have sex when I wanted to, and that was all there was to it.

    So we broke up and I thought he would come back, but he never did. He married another woman 19 months later. And the really weird thing about all of this is that I actually LOVE sex. I am no prude, I get down and freaky. It’s just the moment has to be right and I’ve really got to be feeling it, you know? I just don’t need it that often and any little thing can take away the mood.

    I’m sure a lot of you would say, “Well, it’s obvious you two were not a match, so it’s all for the best anyway”. And I convinced myself of the same thing. But now, years later, I realize that I loved hiim deeply, and I STILL love him and that there probably will never be anyone as compatiable with me that will love me with the kind of pure, devoted love he had for me.

    Oddly enough, I still think I did the right thing. My body is my body, and it doesn’t belong to any man to have access to it whenever the urge strikes him. I still think he should have just stuck it out and learned to control his sexual impulses down to a level that was closer to mine. Even though I’ve paid a heavy price for that, I still believe I did the right thing.

    I guess that happy relationships between men and women happen when:

    The man has a low sex drive (for a man)
    The woman has a high sex drive (for a woman)
    The woman provides sexual relief to her man more than she really wants to
    The man suppresses his sex cravings
    Somebody’s cheating

    These are the only answers I can come up with.

  • Mr Jay

    You’re better off listening to your grandma who had a man than your feminist friends who don’t even like them.

  • CD86

    Yo obviously know nothing about feminism to make such a trite comment.

  • CD86

    You obviously know nothing about feminism to make such a trite comment.

  • Srenda

    Two snaps in a circle! You are so charming, Mr. Jay! I’m sure women can’t get enough of your charm. Including your Grandma.

  • Cookie

    I want to be a smart-ass and say, well, I guess you showed him who was boss, but, you know something, it’s just too sad. But at least it sounds like you’re perfectly okay with your decision, but I hope you’re 25 as opposed to 35. Men you are completely compatible with are not so easy to find, honey. And it only gets harder as you get older, not easier. Take it from me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/The-Larry-Wilson/195700786 The-Larry Wilson

    I totally feel what you’re saying. I think that’s wonderful it’s all about give and take. It’s not always about the orgasm (ultimately it is) for the guy, but it’s about him feeling you (his woman). Be it via Neck (Oral), Hand Job, or the Old fashioned way it doesn’t matter. Accommodation is essential in any relationship especially romantic ones. It’s all about give and take across the board

  • Leelee

    Why do we always have to take it to the extremes? Why does not wanting to have sex at 5 a.m. mean that men are not getting it on a regular basis? I don’t get where some of these conclusions are coming from. My man gets up at 4 a.m everyday. He has a job that takes up a lot of his time. A lot of times he’s working outside of work. As a result, sleep is not something he gets a lot of. If I were to wake him up at 3 a.m., knowing he went to bed at 11, after having already had sex, knowing he needed to be up in an hour, he’d be pissed. Really mad. If they’re honest a lot of the guys on here know they would be mad too. Why am I not given this same right to be mad? I get 4 hours a sleep on a good day. At the moment, I am still able to deal with the repercussions and hopefully once I reach my desired place that will change. So I am not with the whole waking me up during my sleep thing, unless it’s a day I am not working or something that does not occur on the regular. My job is important to my well being. I need it. So those who disagree, how do you suggest I function? And why does this mean that my man isn’t getting enough sex, which we have usually around 5 times a week?

  • Kohl

    You should have tried to meet in some middle ground.. he controls himself half the time and you give in half the time. soon both of you would have gotten used to it. You would learn to enjoy the sex and how nice the man is after you please him. and he would have made the best out of the sex you had and would have tried to please you more so you want more.

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    @ cookie,

    I find your 25, 35 year comment very interesting. Care to expound on it?!

  • Cookie

    African Mami –

    There’s not much more to say other than what I said; it’s tougher to find that perfect match when you get older because there’s less to pick from. There are many more single people in their twenties than in their thirties. People are all booed up in an unmarried LTR or marriage by the time they get to their thirties. Some of the single people in their thirties are single by choice, some are single for good reason (no one wants them), and some are single because they’ve been through some wrenching, bitter divorce. There’s just a lot less of the kind of men around you might actually want to go out with.

  • Cornbread

    Sex and intimacy have different definitions some of y’all need to decifer the two words a little more carefully….

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    @ Cookie,

    Wow…thanks A LOT!

  • Cookie

    African Mami –

    I will be 40 this year, and this isn’t a bad age to get dates; I can date all I want. But in terms of me really clicking with someone, falling in love with them and wanting to be with them the rest of my life? Nope, haven’t met a guy like that for years. And then, when you do meet him, he’s got to feel the same way about you, it’s not just a one-way street, he’s got to love you like crazy, too. It’s just tougher, that’s all.

  • Cookie

    It’s interesting to me that there are some women on this post saying that you should provide sex to your man when he wants it, because if you don’t, he will cheat on you. Their reason for giving their men sex when they’re not in the mood is because of fear.

    Then there are some other women on this post saying that they give their man sex (whether it’s vaginal intercourse or not, it’s some kind of sexual release) when they’re not in the mood because they love him and he deserves it because of all the things he does for her, and it’s just part of the overall give and take in their LTR. Their reason for giving their men sex when they’re not feeling amorous is because of love and reciprocity.

    I don’t agree with the first reason (fear),because it’s a bad thing to base a relationship on, and also, it doesn’t make any sense because if a guy is a cheater, he’s going to cheat on you whether you’re beautiful or rich or give him a lot of sex, because that’s what cheaters do. They cheat.

    I wholeheartedly agree with the second reason (love and reciprocity).

    What I find interesting is the women on here criticizing that don’t differentiate between the two points of view; to them, it’s the same thing, a woman debasing herself for some man. The scorn is the same.

    To me, it’s very, very different. One set of women are doing it because they are afraid. One set of women are doing it out of love and selflessness.

    But to the women dinging them, one is just as bad as the other.

    Is is just bad in general to do something for a man, even if he’s doing stuff for me, and even if we’re in love? I’m trying to understand where all of this anger and resentment is coming from.

  • sli

    “Why do we always have to take it to the extremes?”

    That’s what I said!

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    @ Cookie,

    Your insight has really put things into perspective for me. I think when we are in our twenties-we really think that we will always have IT-but the reality is that, as we progress in age, our options sort of start to shrink-whether we like to admit it or not. I remember a couple of years back-I shrugged off a dude who was interested in dating me, and he made the remark “Wait till you hit your thirties, you think people like me will always be there”. I scoffed him off, but NOW I see that he did have a point-although that was not the point he was trying to drive home then. Thanks a lot!!!!! :) Stay blessed, happy datings!

  • au napptural

    I used to be of the second group, but performing sexual acts, any sexual acts no matter how unpenetrative, when you don’t want to only leads to resentment. Then you’re training your body to perform when it doesn’t want and become numb to sexual feelings. That probably sounds extreme to you but sex isn’t like to be taken lightly. As women we are already trained to have a negative attitude toward sex. To feel that we aren’t as sexual as men, won’t orgasm as often, can’t get as excited. The first step to unlearning all of that is to enjoy our sexuality. To make sex fun and that starts with enjoying what we are doing. You really, really shouldn’t do it when you don’t want to. Absolutely counter productive. Of course I’m only going to have sex when I want to!

    Side note- I love how these women are only here insisting we give it up at 3, 4, 5 am, sideways, upside down and everything else, and then saying they are divorced! Comic relief. It didn’t work, why do it?!

  • Cookie

    “Extreme” isn’t the adjective that came to mind when I was reading your comment, actually.

    Other adjectives came to mind, but in the interests of brevity, I’ll say that this second-level Women’s Studies dogma you’re reciting has zero effect on someone like me. I am a veteran of that sort of rhetoric and I have the relationship scars and medals to prove it.

    I don’t know about you, but almost every single woman I was in Woman’s Studies with back in the day was either a lesbian then or is a lesbian now.

    I am not a lesbian, but I am still a feminist. It just so happens that I am a feminist that loves men, and is very practical about the sexual dynamic between a man with normal amounts of testosterone and a woman with average amounts of estrogen and self-awareness of her worth.

    I will stick to my point of view on this subject and my activities around same. I bet you will, too. Regardless of whose point of view is correct in this instance, i’m glad that the women reading these comments were able to see both viewpoints.

  • http://sweetilocks.blogspot.com Alicia Fiasco

    Personally, I can never waste morning wood. I’m generally in the mood for some wake-up sex. I think the title of this article is a bit misleading because I wouldn’t call that pity sex. Rather, to have sex when you’re not in the mood, should be called “obligatory sex” because it comes from a sense of feeling obligated to do something you don’t necessarily want to do.

Latest Stories

Black Excellence: North Carolina Teen Accepted Into 7 Ivy Schools


Brooklyn DA Proposes to Stop Prosecuting Low-Level Marijuana Charges


The Doc Is In: Doc McStuffins Encourages Little Girls to Embrace Their Natural Hair


The FCC Gave The Internet A Big Middle Finger

Read previous post:
Looking for Love In All the Wrong Places, One Web Series Shows What NOT to Do
3 Things We’re Feeling This Spring