We’ve all been there. It’s 5am in the morning; your partner comes out of a dream horny, and slowly slides their hands to your shoulder to gently wake you from your deep slumber. As you’re pulled from your beautiful dream vacation in Tahiti, you realize that no, you’re not being woken up for an emergency, instead your partner is slowly beginning to kiss your neck in hopes of making you aroused. You glance over at the alarm clock. It’s hours before you have to be at work.

Really? Did you REALLY just pull me out of my sleeping glory just so you can get some?

At least, that’s what crosses your mind. You have a choice to make. You either decide to conjure up your hormones to enjoy this awakening or you choose to put sleep first.

I choose the latter. I almost always ignore the shoulder rub or tell my partner to chill out.

I’m not the best morning person. It typically takes me a minute to get my mind right when I wake up and if you say anything to me in the first 20 minutes after waking, I likely won’t remember. When it comes to sex, I’m all or nothing. Either I’m fully present and ready to make your toes curl or I’m asking you to get off me because I’m not in the mood. I love sex as much as the next person, but I truly believe in honoring my body’s needs and not forcing my vagina to do anything it doesn’t want to.

But there are those that beg to differ, those who grant their partner that early morning quickie while silently hoping that they’d finish as soon as possible. I get it. In particular, when dealing with a male partner, most wake up with hard-ons. But there’s no point in entering sex tired and irritated just because your partner would prefer to stroke instead of releasing on his own.

I’ve had this conversation with my girlfriends, and most are tired of getting that early morning shoulder rub.

“Without fail, it always happens. We have sex the evening before, go to sleep exhausted and peaceful. And then he wakes me up at 5am,” said one of my home girls. She wasn’t even talking about the same dude either. It seems to be a recurring pattern with most of her male partners.

So I asked her if she gave him some after he woke her up. She replied yeah with a bit of agitation in her voice. I told her that the opposite of that word would save her a lot of grief and sleep. What’s so hard about telling your partner no when you’re not in the mood?

I recognize that there are two (or more) people to please in a sexual relationship, but with the right communication and conversations, I’m sure that the parties involved can express what times are not best for sex. After all, it’s important that sexual partners be on the same page when it comes to pleasure. Sex is supposed to reduce stress and cater to our desires, not become aggravating.

Do you grant your partner pity sex? Or are you always in the mood? Speak on it!

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    @ Cookie,

    Your insight has really put things into perspective for me. I think when we are in our twenties-we really think that we will always have IT-but the reality is that, as we progress in age, our options sort of start to shrink-whether we like to admit it or not. I remember a couple of years back-I shrugged off a dude who was interested in dating me, and he made the remark “Wait till you hit your thirties, you think people like me will always be there”. I scoffed him off, but NOW I see that he did have a point-although that was not the point he was trying to drive home then. Thanks a lot!!!!! :) Stay blessed, happy datings!

  • au napptural

    I used to be of the second group, but performing sexual acts, any sexual acts no matter how unpenetrative, when you don’t want to only leads to resentment. Then you’re training your body to perform when it doesn’t want and become numb to sexual feelings. That probably sounds extreme to you but sex isn’t like to be taken lightly. As women we are already trained to have a negative attitude toward sex. To feel that we aren’t as sexual as men, won’t orgasm as often, can’t get as excited. The first step to unlearning all of that is to enjoy our sexuality. To make sex fun and that starts with enjoying what we are doing. You really, really shouldn’t do it when you don’t want to. Absolutely counter productive. Of course I’m only going to have sex when I want to!

    Side note- I love how these women are only here insisting we give it up at 3, 4, 5 am, sideways, upside down and everything else, and then saying they are divorced! Comic relief. It didn’t work, why do it?!

  • Cookie

    “Extreme” isn’t the adjective that came to mind when I was reading your comment, actually.

    Other adjectives came to mind, but in the interests of brevity, I’ll say that this second-level Women’s Studies dogma you’re reciting has zero effect on someone like me. I am a veteran of that sort of rhetoric and I have the relationship scars and medals to prove it.

    I don’t know about you, but almost every single woman I was in Woman’s Studies with back in the day was either a lesbian then or is a lesbian now.

    I am not a lesbian, but I am still a feminist. It just so happens that I am a feminist that loves men, and is very practical about the sexual dynamic between a man with normal amounts of testosterone and a woman with average amounts of estrogen and self-awareness of her worth.

    I will stick to my point of view on this subject and my activities around same. I bet you will, too. Regardless of whose point of view is correct in this instance, i’m glad that the women reading these comments were able to see both viewpoints.

  • http://sweetilocks.blogspot.com Alicia Fiasco

    Personally, I can never waste morning wood. I’m generally in the mood for some wake-up sex. I think the title of this article is a bit misleading because I wouldn’t call that pity sex. Rather, to have sex when you’re not in the mood, should be called “obligatory sex” because it comes from a sense of feeling obligated to do something you don’t necessarily want to do.

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