Maybe It’s You: 5 Signs It’s Your Fault (Just This One Time)

Self-confidence! What’s not to like about it? People call you arrogant. Know-it-all. Uppity. What do they know? They’re just people. Flawed, screwy people. They aren’t you. They don’t have those special, innate, poised things you have. And you have so many things.

So why is it you don’t have a man / a good job / many friends / the life you want? It can’t be YOU can it? With that face and brain? I mean, really. It’s rude for me even to suggest that. I immediately apologize. I’m so sorry. How could I even think such a thing?

Unless…just this one, rare, odd little time. It is you. And all that “confidence” is just an elaborate shell game of defense mechanisms because you don’t want people to know that on the inside your scared and hurt just like everyone else.

Sometimes it’s you, girl.

Let me break down why.

1) You say:  “I don’t have a man because men are ‘intimidated’ by my beauty/charm/success/money/talent/etc.”

But what if (this one time only, of course) it’s you? That sounds like something a really defensive person would say.

It’s OK to admit that maybe, when it comes to men, you don’t know what you’re doing. A lot of people don’t – male or female. Humility is a virtue that we often overlook because we get so consumed with being “tough” and “strong” all the time. Hence forgetting sometimes we need to appear “human” and “approachable.” No one will hate you if you’re still figuring yourself and others out. No one will hold it against you if you’re trying to balance career and love life.

But you know what they will hold against you? Saying that folks are “intimidated” by you – like you’re Naomi Campbell, practicing Cell Phone Fu on people’s heads. Use your Cell Phone Fu to knock that chip off your shoulder and accept that love can be pretty random.

2) You Say: “I don’t have female friends because women are manipulative and are always jealous of me.”

But, what if (this one time though) it’s you? Ever heard of projection?

We’ve all encountered fellow women we couldn’t relate to or get along with. But all of them, girl? You don’t get along with “ALL OF THEM?” If you suddenly find the world is populated with awful lady people have you considered that perhaps you are an awful lady person? Projection (a common psychological defense mechanism we’re all guilty of from time-to-time) is where you think you’re seeing people everywhere with a problem that is actually YOUR problem and yours alone. Sort of like someone who says “I don’t want any more drama in my life” like they’re Mary J. Blige, but they’re a cast member of Vh-1’s Basketball Wives.

Women, like all human beings, are good and bad. But if all you ever find are the bad, you should take a look in the mirror. Don’t blame everyone else with a uterus if you discover that all your acrimony boils down to you preferring to be the only girl in the world.

 3) You say: “People leave me because they weren’t strong enough to handle me.”

But, hey, what if you’re wrong? There’s just so much hurt and anger in what you just said.

People leave us sometimes. And that hurts. But I’m curious about why you added “they weren’t strong enough” on the end. That indicates that in your effort to rationalize why those you’ve loved have left you’ve chosen to lay it all on them, absolving yourself of any action on your part. And sometimes that’s the right thing to do. But if people are walking out because they aren’t “strong” enough, what extraordinary thing is going on about you where people need to emotionally bench press 350 lbs. of life baggage just to be close to you? Do you have a temper? Are you really needy? Are your abandonment issues so severe that you put unrealistic expectations on those around you?

If so, can I suggest therapy? Because if your anger/co-dependency/emotions are so strong that people rather run away than get to know you, you’re dealing with some serious hurt. And you should seek help.