Women have long complained of lackluster lovers and men who have over-talked their abilities in the sack only to show up limp and completely underwhelming. But one man is turning the tables.

Esquire writer Chris Jones penned an article for the April issue of the glossy that basically told women that they ain’t all that.

He writes:

“…most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves. Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are.”

Oh, really?

But fear not ladies, Jones has a few tips in case your sex game isn’t on point.

“Like, maybe grab a mirror and spend some time learning how your own body works. It’s nice, too, when you don’t treat our semen like it’s battery acid,” he advises.

Let me go write that down. </sarcasm>

Esquire is a men’s mag, and I know Jones is playing to the home crowd, but I found his tone a little too condescending and mean. While I agree that women should know their bodies to better help their partners get them off, hurling his “advice” at all women–which, I assume, includes his wife–is just a bit off-putting.

But as he said, he’d rate himself as “not totally unpleasant, but not totally pleasant, either,” so I guess he knows what he’s talking about.

  • omfg

    my question for mr chris jones is:

    when he has sex with a woman, does she come every single time?

    when women have sex with a man, he comes almost all the time.

    before any man can talk about a woman’s um, abilities, he needs to check whether or not he is capable of actually bringing a woman to full PHYSICAL (not emotional) satisfaction every time he beds her.

    i might add that many men do not want to listen to women in general, and in particular when it comes to sex. do men actually want women to tell them how to have sex? they think this is something they should know about and they often bring their sorry little egos right with them into the bedrooms.

    and why in the world are men so dang obsessed with women swallowing their semen? anyway, fellatio has been linked to oral cancer. that is all.

  • omfg

    and another thing…

    i’ve heard that eating a lot of meat makes the semen taste real bad.

    men need to eat more vegetables.

  • Jocy

    I found it to be a quirky little piece of satire. Humorous but not offensive.

  • BlueOceanBreezy

    “I might add that many men do not want to listen to women in general… – They sure don’t, even when they are wrong and will refuse to acknowledge that they are wrong.

    “Why in the world are men so dang obsessed with women swallowing their semen? – I know, right. That is so disgusting. Hell, giving fellatio in itself is disgusting.

  • kissa

    Sadly Chris sounds like a man who just found out that the girl he’s been “putting it on” has been faking it and told him he was bad in bed..Classic small man syndrome > > insert sips tea..

  • kissa

    But as he said, he’d rate himself as “not totally unpleasant, but not totally pleasant, either,” so I guess he knows what he’s talking about.

    ^^ which is code for wife not giving him none…

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    errrm, if my husband wrote an article like that………I would be in tears.

  • LikeTotally!

    And definitely more fruit!

    I love pineapple ;)

  • kissa

    + 1

  • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com Perverted Alchemist

    That’s what a lot of people aren’t seeing in reference to the tone of the article- I mean, it is in Esquire magazine, after all…

  • Tonton Michel

    Now here you have a man telling what he wants and his honest opinion and instead of listening y’all choose to complain about it because you dont like having your ego’s bruised. The truth is there are a whole lot of women out there who think they have gold lined vaginas but are lousy in bed and they need to be told that explicitly so they will listen. Like “Hey you! You suck and not in a good damn way either with your lazy butt!”.

  • B

    Boy, bye.
    lol.

  • omfg

    i bet men still manage to have an orgasm even with women who are supposedly bad in bed.

    so, on one hand you have a man who has an orgasm almost 100% of the time complaining about a woman’s poor sexual abilities.

    on the other hand, you have a woman who doesn’t have an orgasm probably half the time complaining about how men suck in bed and can’t make her come.

    please, put on your thinking cap and determine who seems to get the better deal with a partner who may or may not be skilled.

    looks like men get the better deal.

    when you make a woman come every time, then you can complain about her lack of skill. otherwise, you need to go to work.

  • grateful

    Britni, love most of your articles but i have to disagree with what you put across in this one,for example i think you took this phrase out of context;

    “…Like, maybe grab a mirror and spend some time learning how your own body works…”

    what he wrote was;

    “I knew one poor girl who wouldn’t have sex from behind because she thought that meant anal. Like, maybe grab a mirror and spend some time learning how your own body works.”

    LOL!

    anyway, i’m with Tonton on this one.i don’t think this is something women need to take personally or be offended by because it’s something one can change,just sift through the tone (if you found it offensive) to get the message,evaluate your bedroom skills and improve if need be.simple.

  • Socially Maladjusted

    The dude is spot on.

    What?

    If women are different then the same thing won’t work on all of em, so women should know how to please themselves if they’re hoping get something out of sex. Not a man’s fault if you can’t get off – it’s YOURS.

    Furthermore, just because a man cums during sex with you, doesn’t mean you satisfied him. Most men cum when they masturbate – so what?

    In fact, post coital depression (bedroom blues), a predominantly male experience, is very common and usually follows a masturbation f uck – the kind where all you’ve done is let the man use your nani like his hand.

    That’s why you aint getting touched or cosied up to afterwards – we want you gone or asap. We needed the tension release but the f uck wasn’t worth the effort.

    Shoulda just had a wank (masturbated) now I’m all dirty, gotta go bathe, gotta rid of this boring b itch, it’s all awkward . . . .

    If a woman’s made you feel good, you don’t have those nauseus, depressed feelings – because it felt good and it felt -

    right.

    so shut it

  • Tonton Michel

    “i bet men still manage to have an orgasm even with women who are supposedly bad in bed”

    Why not , your already naked, I bet those men have to work hard to get their, Im also betting there not coming back afterwards.

    “so, on one hand you have a man who has an orgasm almost 100%”

    Stop right there, it’s about the quality of the sex, if you think because a man has an erection and has an orgasm you won the prize than your the biggest loser.

    There is no need to continue reading the rest of your comment, your attitude is exactly what this article and my comment were talking about.

  • Cecily

    Has anyone seen a picture of this man? He should be eternally grateful that any woman is affording him the blessing of allowing him to enter her body.

  • Cecily

    Then why not just masturbate and not complain?
    And the right man will bring out the freak in a woman. I suggest you consider your own lacklustre efforts in the bedroom before criticizing these women who have allowed you to sleep with them. Because, you know what? Sometimes a dick just feels like a lump of meat repetitively, mind numbingly, plowing your vagina like you’re a farm animal. It cuts both ways.

    And from your experiences with women, I’ve got a feeling as to what kind of ‘skills’ you have. None. Your disdain for women in general may be where you want to start when examining your own behavior.

  • Wow!

    Tonton is right. You have to be the change you seek, ladies. I notice how the most progressive men tend to listen to womens complaints about the short comings of men with at least an attempt to be open-minded, and many times the ladies do not play nice and we have to suck it up. Cool.

    This article may be a little mean spirited but is it any more mean spirited than some of the stuff Clutch and other mags put out there in regards to men? I know women are infinitely wonderful but sometimes y’all can be a little wack too. In bed is indeed one of those places.

  • Leelee

    I find this conversation interesting. Why is it acceptable to talk about what men are lacking but it’s not acceptable to talk about what women lack. There have been articles, even on Clutch if I recall correctly, on how to tell your men that they’re not pleasing you and the comments are not nice. But a man is allowed to say nothing? Maybe allowed isn’t the correct term but you get my meaning. Then again, this site and others like it are mostly for women so…Interesting.

  • omfg

    um, do the women you bed have orgasms every time you have sex with her?

    again, this is a lop-sided argument from the jump.

    when you make a woman come every time, then the conversation can start about women being better.

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    @ SM,

    DAMNNNNNNNNNN!!! You went all the way innnnnn not just a bit innn!

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    I was crying in my comment. Now, I’m just DEAD….like in heavenly glory! You men are HARSH!

  • omfg

    —”Why not , your already naked, I bet those men have to work hard to get their, Im also betting there not coming back afterwards.”—

    my dear, i just had a guy who i dumped a year ago text me cuz he can’t get enough. in fact, he never stopped trying to get some even after i moved on…i’m good like that.

    —”Stop right there, it’s about the quality of the sex, if you think because a man has an erection and has an orgasm you won the prize than your the biggest loser.”—

    oh yes, quality. trust, if a man had orgasms at the rate many women have/don’t have during sex, you’d be singing a different tune. i’m afraid you’ve got absolutely no appreciation for the position women are in when having intercourse with a man.

    you would hate it if you hardly ever hard an orgasm. you take for granted the fact that achieving the complete physical satisfaction is a given for men. you are a selfish and self-absorbed individual.

    how would it truly make you feel if half of the time you engaged in intercourse, your body’s desire to relieve the physical tension and condition it created for you achieve that sensation was not met the overwhelming majority of time? i’m not even talking about emotions and stuff. i’m talking pure biology and physiology.

    i’m afraid you truly have no idea what you’re talking about.

    —”There is no need to continue reading the rest of your comment, your attitude is exactly what this article and my comment were talking about.”—

    Right, my attitude is the problem. Not a man’s inability to make a woman reach the same physical release he has nearly 100% of the time.

    You want it all – the blowjob, the intercourse however and whenever it suits you. but, you won’t/can’t even give a woman what she gives you almost every time she gives it up to you.

    this my friend, is called real talk. and when it comes to sex, men rarely get it from women. so, take a moment to learn, listen and then go get to practicing. and make sure the women in your bed come.

    once you’re equally yoked in the bed, then talk about ways she can improve YOUR experience.

  • jazzyphile

    Sometimes sis…you’re a cold fish.

  • Tonton Michel

    The more you type the more you fit the bill, you are steadily trying pull a bait and switch to make this all about you and women’s orgasm’s or the lack there of out of pure spite at seeing men daring to voice their opinions. I’m not going to debate this trivial mess with you.

  • omfg

    lmao.

    sex is an exchange.

    you can’t talk about what you get without talking about what you give.

    a man should not talk about what he does not get in sex without talking about what he gives – like i hit my girl’s gspot like all that time and i make her come most of the time.

    i can talk about what i should get in sex because i give it. most men do not actually do this.

    therefore, i am not interested in hearing what most men have to say about not getting hot enough sex unless they are at least doing the same that she is doing for him – getting the partner off.

    i know it can be hard for some folks to understand these concepts, esp. when told so blatantly by a woman, but you should try harder.

    and, please make sure your girl comes before becoming upset that she doesn’t give you blowjobs or do it from every angle or in every orifice, etc.

    k?

    i’m just trying to help you out because, statistically, most women are faking it most of the time.

  • binks

    Agreed, I think the comments here are interesting and somewhat telling. I heard plenty of women boost like they have kryptonite between their thighs and the men who dated them rolling their eyes at their proclamation just like women do with a lot of guys.If you feel like someone is a bad lover then you have the right to say how you feel regardless. Bad lovers are extended to BOTH men and women, in all races, different sizes, etc.

  • Frank

    this country is so numb to racial injustice and insensitivity, I’m sure most would find this as a non issue…

  • Socially Maladjusted

    @AM

    LMAO!

    Yeh – I went in “deep” and it all came gushin out.

    chuckles

    __________________________

    cecily

    ‘sup sweetie,. my comment hit a lil too close to home? Well take it up with the dude/s what dun you like how I said.

    pfft!

    Most men just take bad sex in our stride and keep it moving without the need to cast aspersions on a hags womanhood.

    Women (like you) are the one’s who seem to think somebody’s supposed to rock your world and their own world, wthout any participation from you.

    You’re just mad coz they always see you coming, make sure they get what they need and run.

    And that concludes our business. I want your boring ass gone. here’s two dolla, the bus arrives at 9:30, which is just about -

    NOW.

    :-)

  • Tonton Michel

    Lol, tsk, tsk still trying to make a bigger deal out of this than it is? Here you go pulling my “johnson’s” business in here trying to get a rise out of me, like I’m some insecure school boy. Thank you for concern about my sexual abilities and the orgasm of the woman I sleep with but I assure you we are doing fine. You however might want to concern your self with yours and that nasty little insecurity of yours that’s showing right through your words.

  • omfg

    again, reading and comprehension are fundamental.

    you may read something and not quite be able to contextualize things.

    i on the other hand can contextualize. lol.

    and what you’re seeing is someone is, is aghast that any man actually has the audacity to complain about a woman’s skills in bed when his skills are probably next to nil as the rate of orgasm in women can attest. yes, i find a complaining man like you and the esquire author galling. truly. i really do.

    also, as my past guys can attest, i have no insecurity about this issue. they always want me. i don’t worry about my ability to satisfy them. but, they should worry about whether they have satisfied me enough. most times my dear, i wear them down. they cannot handle me. ha ha.

  • Tonton Michel

    Yeah, OK……

  • Chocolate_cyn

    Lol seman is worse than battery acid. No one has a moral objection to fixing my chemical burn situation, but let my “barely keeping my head above water” butt get knocked up due to contact with seman and it’s a congressional hearing on me getting my rocks off to relieve a little stress

  • Pingback: Award Winning Esquire Reporter Chris Jones Pens Poor Profile for Christian Mingle

Latest Stories

Cheers! 30 Not-As-Obvious Occasions That Call For Champagne

by

Maker of Infamous ‘Sizzurp’ Takes it Off the Market

by

How To Rock: Black Women In Orange Lipstick

by

Newsflash: Most People Aren’t Down With the ‘Swirl’

by
More in dating, Relationships
Serena Williams Wants a Man Who’s a Jehovah’s Witness, Does Your Partner’s Faith Matter to You?
Dating Older vs. Younger: Is Age Really Just A Number?
Close