Women have long complained of lackluster lovers and men who have over-talked their abilities in the sack only to show up limp and completely underwhelming. But one man is turning the tables.

Esquire writer Chris Jones penned an article for the April issue of the glossy that basically told women that they ain’t all that.

He writes:

“…most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves. Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are.”

Oh, really?

But fear not ladies, Jones has a few tips in case your sex game isn’t on point.

“Like, maybe grab a mirror and spend some time learning how your own body works. It’s nice, too, when you don’t treat our semen like it’s battery acid,” he advises.

Let me go write that down. </sarcasm>

Esquire is a men’s mag, and I know Jones is playing to the home crowd, but I found his tone a little too condescending and mean. While I agree that women should know their bodies to better help their partners get them off, hurling his “advice” at all women–which, I assume, includes his wife–is just a bit off-putting.

But as he said, he’d rate himself as “not totally unpleasant, but not totally pleasant, either,” so I guess he knows what he’s talking about.

35 Comments

  1. my question for mr chris jones is:

    when he has sex with a woman, does she come every single time?

    when women have sex with a man, he comes almost all the time.

    before any man can talk about a woman’s um, abilities, he needs to check whether or not he is capable of actually bringing a woman to full PHYSICAL (not emotional) satisfaction every time he beds her.

    i might add that many men do not want to listen to women in general, and in particular when it comes to sex. do men actually want women to tell them how to have sex? they think this is something they should know about and they often bring their sorry little egos right with them into the bedrooms.

    and why in the world are men so dang obsessed with women swallowing their semen? anyway, fellatio has been linked to oral cancer. that is all.

    • BlueOceanBreezy

      “I might add that many men do not want to listen to women in general… – They sure don’t, even when they are wrong and will refuse to acknowledge that they are wrong.

      “Why in the world are men so dang obsessed with women swallowing their semen? – I know, right. That is so disgusting. Hell, giving fellatio in itself is disgusting.

  2. and another thing…

    i’ve heard that eating a lot of meat makes the semen taste real bad.

    men need to eat more vegetables.

    • LikeTotally!

      And definitely more fruit!

      I love pineapple ;)

  3. I found it to be a quirky little piece of satire. Humorous but not offensive.

    • That’s what a lot of people aren’t seeing in reference to the tone of the article- I mean, it is in Esquire magazine, after all…

  4. kissa

    Sadly Chris sounds like a man who just found out that the girl he’s been “putting it on” has been faking it and told him he was bad in bed..Classic small man syndrome > > insert sips tea..

  5. kissa

    But as he said, he’d rate himself as “not totally unpleasant, but not totally pleasant, either,” so I guess he knows what he’s talking about.

    ^^ which is code for wife not giving him none…

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