Rating the Dating Gurus

by Danielle C. Belton

Love. Apparently you stink at it. Everyone says so. And by everyone, I mean statistics. Statistics say you blow at this. Goodness! Why can’t you just get it together, gurl? I’m sure you’ll say you just need more time, or you’re above all this, or you *gag* like being single, or that life is bigger than partnering up to pop some guy’s pimples for the rest of his life because he can’t be bothered to wash his face properly.

Well, BALDERDASH! That’s not getting Meemaw any great-grandbabies!

For those of you who are trying to get married this century and are not sitting around feeling all smug and self-satisfied with “Independent Women, Pt. 1” by Destiny’s Child still blaring in your head, maybe you’ve thought what you really need to land a man is your own personal dating spirit animal, aka a “Dating Guru.”

What’s a Dating Guru? Well, that is a self-proclaimed someone who says they know more about getting Meemaw some grandbabies than you. But in these days of Think Like A Man, Die Alone With Your Cats which guru is worth listening to and which ones are just trying to get that Steve Harvey money?

Lucky for you I didn’t have anything else better to do and decided to rate these yokels.

Steve Harvey

Claim-to-Fame: Long-time comedian, founding “King of Comedy,” purveyor of brightly colored suits, radio jock and teller of you to “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.”

Quote: “(A woman’s love) stands the test of time, logic, and all circumstance. Well, I’m here to tell you that expecting that kind of love— that perfection—from a man is unrealistic. That’s right, I said it—it’s not gonna happen, no way, no how. Because a man’s love isn’t like a woman’s love.”

Main Philosophy: Young men are crappy. You are unhappy because you won’t accept this. Your love is pure and delicate like a flower, but they want ass. Get it straight and try dating Steve…I mean…an older distinguished gentleman who knows how to treat a Miss Boss Lady right. Short of that, have you tried just accepting that all men who aren’t Steve Harvey are terrible? Because apparently, according to Steve, gurl they are.

Verdict: If you only date in stereotypes (Men Are From Jerktown, Women Are From Unrealistic Fairytale Expectations Planet), this is the book for you.

Tyrese Gibson

Claim-to-Fame: Singer, actor, Baby Boy, prolific nonsensical Tweeter, “author.”

Quote: “Some women are so on this independent kick, they end up alone. You’re going to independent your way into loneliness. You go off and buy all the little poodles you want. ‘At least my dog is happy to see me when I get home every day.’ That dog or ‘rabbit’ will never be able to replace what a real man can do for you.”

Main Philosophy: If you think you’re lonely now, wait until you die alone with all your cats, girl. Did I mention it’s your fault? It’s your fault.

Verdict: Tyrese is ideal if you just never read anything he writes and only watch the 1998 video for “Lately” on repeat. Remember “Lately”? Back when you didn’t know what Tyrese thought and he was just some hot guy pitching woo to Maia Campbell on a bus? Where’d that do go? I know too much now. We can’t go back to what we once had, Tyrese.

Hill Harper

Claim-to-fame: Actor, activist, author. Basically the three A’s. He does it all. Including give you love advice in “The Conversation”

Quote: “I’m very passionate about life and I want my soul mate to be equally passionate – and we don’t have to be passionate about the same things. She can be passionate about being a florist or a teacher or a mother. She should approach life from the stance that the glass is always half full. My soul mate should have her own sense of joy and a relationship with God.”

Main Philosophy: Optimism. Yeah. It stinks right now, but Hill Harper believes in you. Sure, he hasn’t really figured it out either, but he’s willing to talk about it, gurl. Let’s figure it out together!

Verdict: As a never-married, Harper admitted a while back to former CNN anchor T.J. Holmes he knows he’s part of the “problem” in a way, but that could only mean that for at least one woman he could be the “solution.” So … find out where Hill Harper lives and stalk him until he puts a ring on it.

  • mlhbenz

    This is hilarious! Love it! Saving it

  • http://www.sosingerssd.blogspot.com Yolanda Marie

    This seriously made me laugh out loud HARD! Especially the ones about Steve Harvey and Tyrese. And I’ve watched more than a few episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker…Patti Stanger is a b*tch but somewhat entertaining especially when she’s yelling at people when they F their dates up lol.

  • LAD86

    No favorite dating gurus for me and my grandmother has never given me advice on life, let alone dating.

  • overseas_honeybee

    Love it! ROFL. At first I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Something about Hill I can’t put my finger on …no interest in stalking him but that T.J. Holmes … Lawd Lawd. Tyrese can have a seat … Paul seems like good people….Patty can miss me with her foolishness… Steve has some good points (at times) and he and his 6 button suits are always good for a laugh. #singlesistasstillrock

  • mimi

    Aww Nothin like Granny, but please tell her you are not trying to end up on Jerry or writing a letter to get straight advice from your best gay friend, http://hellobeautiful.com/author/terrancedean/

  • Socially Maladjusted

    Why would anyone take advice from a dating guru? A dating guru is someone too stupid to know that sexual attraction is too random for any tactic to be consistently reliable.

    Dating advice is useless because it’s meaningless, I’d prefer advice on how to read people. I’d read up on the tactics of professional con-men, poker players, or mediums.

    :-)

  • Rosey

    Wonderful article!

  • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com Perverted Alchemist

    Ever notice these so-called “dating gurus” are terrible at relationships in their personal lives? Just thought I should throw that out there…

  • CaSweetface

    Agreed! They are all complete relationship failures or serial daters so I’m not sure how they self proclaim expert status on landing a man. And Paul, he’s a really nice guy but offers nothing new to the table by the way of dating. Everything he has to offer is 100% common sense and simplistic. I guess if you need encouragement he’s good but dont look to him or any of these people to crack the code of “landing a man.” I’m sick of this whole genre and have come to ignore it at this point.

  • lynette

    LOL!!…I needed this laugh this week! I especially liked the one about granny…I think we all have the same grandmother…wanting a “chubby cheeked”…you hit that one on the nose!

    Steve Harvey is a hustler…it’s what he does best…I can’t knock his hustle…I just wish black women didn’t get so caught up sometimes…and at the end of the day if granny wasn’t so hard pressed for little “chubby cheeks” then you could probably have an interesting conversation with her about men…she’s the best guru out of all of them…

  • Tami

    I loved this article…very entertaining….Don’t hate me, but I love Steve Harvey’s advice…It has worked for me!!!

  • kai

    this was great! haha! thank you for posting it

  • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com Perverted Alchemist

    Steve Harvey looks like a fool trying to tell women how do make a relationship work. He’s been married three times!!! I’m looking at him like “Man, if you don’t sit down somewhere and shut the entire hell up, I know something!!!” LMAO!!!

  • MsQuita

    Sooooooo funny!!!!! I do like Paul though, he makes a lot of sense.

  • Dalili

    LOL! Good One!

  • http://method2hermadness.blogspot.com girlformerlyknownasgrace

    I read a similar article on your blog, PA.

    Maybe it is because love is a business whether it is music, movies, or self-help. But few are masters in it.

  • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com Perverted Alchemist

    Yeah, that’s something I noticed about these characters. There are people who have made a good living off dating advice, but it seems disingenous coming from quite a bit of them. I don’t know about you, but I’m not taking relationship advice from someone who can’t keep their own house in order.

  • http://method2hermadness.blogspot.com girlformerlyknownasgrace

    I love Paul Branson! (not in that way). I have been following him on facebook since before his affiliations with Oprah. I feel kind of proud of him. Also seeing him with his wife gives me hope ;-)

  • CaSweetface

    I agree, this is definitely a business at this point but what annoys me are the people that keep giving advice but cant keep their house in order as you said. We never hear from the people like my parents who have been happily married for 32 years or my grandparents who were married over 50 years. Those are the people that need to be writing books and giving advice if advice is really needed. I take my life, love and relationship cues from people who have worked at it and done a pretty good job in the process.

  • Leo the Yardie Chick

    “Dating advice is useless because it’s meaningless, I’d prefer advice on how to read people. I’d read up on the tactics of professional con-men, poker players, or mediums.”

    ^THIS! Where are those self-help books, and talk shows?

  • Nola’ Cess

    Strangely I actually listened to Patti Stringers advice and I landed my guy within two months still going strong over a year now.

  • LuvIt289

    Great article!
    My mom is my life coach/ luv guru :-)

  • http://afrikanmami.blogpsot.com African Mami

    my parents marriage…..

  • philly_chile

    Love, love, love it! Spiritis lifted :)

  • Alexandra

    Love this! Made me chuckle too.
    It’s always nice to listen to some of these ‘gurus’ only for a different opinion.

    I don’t have a grandma, but my great-aunt always offers me no-bull advice, when I ask.

  • RachPar

    This is hilarious and oh so damn true!

  • http://www.one3snapshot.com ceecee

    LOL I’m in stitches!! Love love love this.
    For me, I’d replace your grandmother with my mom, everything is spot on.

  • Liz

    Lol! But I love Paul Carrick Brunson. He has good advice and at least he doesn’t consider that you’re the problem

  • http://theantifash.blogspot.com The Antifash

    LOL Pure Hilarity… The “Granny Snob” story from your website had me cracking up too. Gotta love granny!

  • NC

    I’d happily borrow your grandma for a few days! Miss mine every day and now that she’s gone I realize she had the realest and best advice for me! Granny is usually the only one whose held down a time tested relationship in the fam so who better to get advice from?!?

  • Netta

    Wait…balderdash? LOL

    But seriously tho, people love to hate on Steve but he does have a few gems to offer. His radio show is another story…

    Tyrese? All I have to say is…have ya’ll EVER actually seen this brotha with a woman? I’m just sayin”…O_o Giiirl, you brought back memories talking about “Lately”…haha!

    I think Patti Stanger is very entertaining! She obviously has a hell of a good hustle goin’ on if you look at her clientele…but, nothing’s perfect since she has yet to walk down the aisle herself.

  • Stanley

    That was too funny to read!

  • Yeahright2011

    That was fun to read.

  • beks

    haha haha. thank you. these yokels are getting too much of our money for nonsense. especially tyrese (kill yourself immediately)

  • Carameliscious

    I just want to say that Steve’s book really gives a woman the man’s perspective, better than any other “relationship” book out there. You should really pay attention to what he says, because men DO NOT think like women!!!!! So when a man gives you insight as to what men are actually thinking, honey, take heed!!!!!

  • Blasé

    i like you more for using balderdash in a sentence i say balderdash all the time. and you get points for including Grandma. i’ll go with her advice any day coz all the grandma’s i know been married longer than i’ve been alive.

    as for your friend… post his to SA for me. ;-)

  • Blasé

    post *him

    ps: he’s what i call yum

  • http://www.courtneycrosslin.com/ Courtney C

    That’s a pretty diverse list.

    I make a living as a Date Coach and Professional WingWoman and I think all of those listed offer something unique. Each appeals to a different demographic. It’s important for those looking: for love, better dating experiences or single life to be able to identify with someone who looks like them or share the same beliefs.

    When I divorced (not my choice), I sought support, but there were no young Black women out there who were also going through the experienc and I desperately wanted to identify with someone. I eventually worked my way through it, learned to really enjoy being single, and ultimately found love again. Because of my experiences, I have a better understanding of my clients and their frustrations with being single.

    It was a tough road, and journey that made me stronger, but I wish there were a more diverse list of “Gurus” with a voice back then.

  • http://www.poshmiss.com Poshmiss.com

    Brunson all day. I went to his first live matchmaker show in DC and since then I have been an avid follower. He is a Christian and he loves his wife. My vote goes to PCB.

  • http://www.serriasays.com Serria Says

    Serria Says…
    You haven’t heard from me. Look I’m not a dating guru, I’m a dog whisperer, trained by the best. I too don’t understand how Men can tell you how to get a Man? Even gay guys don’t deal with men like we do. Everyone has great intentions but horrible follow through. We need Actions! What do you need to do exactly to go on more dates, what do you need to do when you are on the date. What exactly needs to be done. Do you know how many of my girlfriends didn’t know?

    I’m married (and if my hubby died today I could marry again, within a year) and I don’t sugar coat. My girlfriends who want to be married, are getting married. Sure I have some stubborn friends who want to pretend as if they don’t know what’s going on and why they are single in their late 30s. They want me to cosign on their crazy instead of tell them what needs to be done. Being single after 30 is like being overweight, it’s real easy for me to see why we are the way you are and what needs to be tweaked.

    I love your post and your granny. Give me a year and I will get a ring on your finger. Plus you will have great stuff to write about :-)

    Yeah, I’m that good!

  • Christina

    GREAT ARTICLE. “Did I mention it’s your fault? It’s your fault.”

  • Christina

    Oh, sh*t. Excellent idea!

  • M

    Brunson gives advice that favors men and doesn’t take preferences, or even needs, of women into account. He gave me bad advice personally and then, when I had follow-up questions, didn’t get back to me.

    Truly had to give the side-eye when I found out he had Oprah’s ear (but he has that “clean brother” look, so he’s automatically trusted. Do Black women not think or listen anymore? Do they just look at a Black man and go “Oh, he’s fine– I don’t really have to think anymore; I’ll just do whatever he says”?? *smh*).

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