83304743Just because we’re all grown up doesn’t mean that we no longer face significant issues with our parents. Often times, getting older means we typically have a certain level of autonomy and physical distance from them, but as an adult child, old habits always manage to persist.

One of the biggest complaints adult children have is that our mother, father or both lack the understanding of what it means to be parents of adults. Be it force of habit or sheer comfort, the ones who cared for us from an early age tend to treat us as if we are clueless teenagers, incapable of making the “right” choices in life.

There are also those child-parent relationships that are flawed from the jump. This can be due to drug, mental or physical abuse, neglect, or a general flaw that may have simply drained the health out of the relationship.

Between these extremes lie many factors that can contribute to unpleasant adult-child/parent dynamics. If you can relate, dig the following tips that may help you mend fences with your own folks (or at least come to terms with the dysfunctionality of it all):

  • JWC

    Yeah girl Im afraid it’s be too late for me and mine (my pops really). Hmmm, but good food for thought though:)

  • Ocean Breezy (LAD86)

    Accept who they are, don’t try to change them.

    Yes, I’ve come to accept that my father will probably live the rest of his life being a father to his son while trying to vicariously communicate with my sister and I through our mother because he is afraid of getting his feelings hurt. “Out of sight, out of mind” seems to be his attitude.

    I have also come to accept that my mother may never own up to her abusive, narcissistic ways…

    Keep realistic expectations for you and your loved ones.

    You may not be able to forget their indiscretions, but in time, you may be able to forgive your parents for the hurts they may have caused.

    Naw, I’ll never forgive them. Parents are the one’s who shape your views on life and nurture you and when they mess that up, there is no forgiving that.

    Deciding when and how to spend time with them, and the type of information to share is key when developing, and maintaining, a positive bond.

    The less they know, the better.

    Understand your intentions and don’t give into guilt.

    Just remember your true purpose: To sustain a lasting, loving relationship.

    There is no room in life to sustain a loving, lasting relationship with those who took away your ability to even know what love is and be able to trust.

  • kaya

    Drama queen much?

  • Terri

    such good advice and something that I needed.

  • http://method2hermadness.blogspot.com girlformerlyknownasgrace

    Yeah, i was done trying to change my dad a long time ago. For a long time I determined not to marry a Nigerian man JUST because I did not want to marry a mam like my dad. I know better now, but still.

    Yeah I definitely do not share everything with him. Unfortunately he remembers every negative life experience. He can hold grudges for years. I think it would simply be a detriment to our relationship if I really let him know how I felt sometimes. Although from time to time I do explode.

    With the guilt thing, nothing is ever my dads fault in his mind. If a person cant be corrected, you can never reach compromise. That was how I know my relationship with him has to remain on a superficial level. I love my dad but i cant have a real deep relationship with him. And we live in the same house! He just does not know how to relate to people. I have become okay with his self-centerness; it has taught me what NOT to be. I cant change everyone but i can work on myself.

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    eh eh ehe!!! me I’m still going to marry my Nigerian broda…preferably one that swam in the Great Atlantic! Their swag be on anoda level in comparison to the others out thurr—————>bandeka is where it’s at!

  • http://getmelolly-blogspot.com getmelolly

    This post couldn’t be more appropriate right now.

  • anne

    From a young age my dad banned me from EVER EVER marrying a nigerian man, even though he himself is nigerian! Haha, I never understood why until I grew up, he didn’t want me to end up with someone like him. I sure as hell won’t, I love my dad but he is deeply flawed and probs will never change. Good article though x

  • apple

    i don’t care to improve with them because its impossible,.i would have to have rational parents to begin with for a change to take place.. so they can both go to hell for all i care.

  • Ocean Breezy

    Right. They would have to first recognize and admit to their wrongdoing…

  • overseas_honeybee

    Both of my parents are deceased now but I thank God that I was able to make peace with them both. My dad was never really around and my mom and I didn’t always see eye to eye but I gained a whole new level of respect for them both when I stopped placing them on a pedestal and accepted their flaws. They operated out of what they knew at that time right or wrong. I realized they made mistakes and some things could have been done differently but at the end of the day they gave me life and that’s what’s important. Being a parent is a tough job and some fare alot better than others at it. If you have the opportunity … make peace with your folks and respect them (right or wrong).You still may not be able to have that “Crosby Show” type relationship but at least you’re not stuck carrying around years of resentment and anger. Even if they never ever own up to being wrong … you still have to make peace and be the bigger person in spite of the situation and allow God to work in it. Wherever they failed … ensure you don’t repeat it.

  • mamareese

    Ha! Cleary…ya’ll aint met my mama. She’s the man next to God you hear me….EVERYONE in my fam knows we can’t talk to her, tell her she wrong or voice an opinion without getting swooped down on ok! My approach…go to my own home and do what the blank I want! And prayer for my Daddies strength cause Lord knows…..LOL. I still love my Mama though…..

  • Crystal

    You’ve given your parents a lot of power over your life due to their behavior. You have to re-claim that power in order to live in a healthy relationship with them. It starts with forgiveness. Holding on to what they did or did not do will always rob you of living & walking in freedom of that.

  • http://TheSocialiteColumn.com January Jones

    While this is a very touchy subject for me getting along with my parents I will say after reading this article I want to give it another attempt at making my relationships with all parents better for the future, especially for my son. but my parents can be so darn thick headed and that bothers me and it dosen’t help that we are both capricorns lol *one big SIGH*

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  • Collins
  • BreaktheCycle

    Thank you for this! Im realizing more and more that longing for a Cosby show type relationship with my parents is not going to happen. But, I can love them for who they are and accept their flaws. These people raised me, and even though we often don’t see eye to eye, I don’t want to look back one day and say I didn’t appreciate a part of them I should have.

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