Your Friend, The Love Addict

by Danielle C. Belton

Over the weekend French actor Olivier Martinez confirmed that, yes, he is engaged to marry American actress Halle Berry. This would be Berry’s third trip down the aisle after her marriages to former baseball pro David Justice and middling Neo Soul crooner Eric Benet. To describe her past relationships – including the still ending one with former fashion model boyfriend Gabriel Aubry – they’ve been turbulent to say the least.

Berry is, at this moment, in the middle of a custody fight with Aubry over their 3-year-old daughter Nahla. Berry wants to take Nahla out of the country to live with her due to death threat fears. But the custody battle has been decidedly ugly.  Since breaking up with Aubry various gossipy accusations and court documents have labeled the model everything from being a secret racist to physically attacking the nanny to possibly abusing his own daughter.

Recently child welfare got involved and decided Aubry needed anger management and their daughter needed therapy.

I, of course, have no clue as to what this means – other than if Berry has a long-time, close, stable, best female friend, that woman must be damn near exhausted.

It might seem counter-intuitive that when engaging in something as close and bonding as a love affair with a hot guy to wonder, “How will this affect my friends,” but if you’re a turbulent love addict, constantly dragging friends and family members through the dramatic highs and lows of your love life as if you were the only person in the world to ever have one, it can hurt your friendships.

But, you say, who needs friends when I have this hot French guy over here?

But, ah-hohoho, you do, girl. You do.

Because you’re a love addict.

I know you’re all, “Wait, Danielle, love addiction is not a real thing. That’s something people say to cover up their car crash love lives and explain why they had sex with Tiger Woods.”

Well, did it ever occur to you that those two things aren’t mutually exclusive? You can be completely pathetic AND addicted to high risk, intense, co-dependent, soul-sucking, crazy relationships that make your friends fantasize about running over your on-again, off-again ex with their cars.

Not so much because they hate the guy, but because if he’s dead you can’t go back and date him anymore.

But … but … how do I know if I’m a love addict, you say! Maybe I’m just really passionate!?

Hmm. That sounds like something a love addict would say, but to be safe, here’s a brief quiz:

  • Did you get a lack of support, nurturing or attention when you were a kid creating a giant gaping hole that you’ve tried to fill with serial monogamy?
  • Do you mistake intensity for intimacy – i.e., “I don’t feel like a man loves me if he doesn’t get visibly mad or jealous”?
  • Do you try to avoid any rejection or abandonment, even if it’s probably for the best?
  • Do you have major trust issues?
  • Are you depressed?
  • Do you confuse attraction, attachment and sex as things equally as essential as air, food and water?
  • Do you feel worthless unless you’re in a relationship, or that you’re not “whole” unless you’re in one?
  • Do you have a serious need to control others?
  • Do you have a frantically driven, at times desperate, personality?
  • Does sex = love for you?
  • When you break up do you go out and get a new boyfriend right away to replace the guy you lost?

If you said yes to three or more of these, or if your friend actually sent this column to you, or if your name is Halle Berry – you might be a love addict.

  • LAD86

    Hmmm.

    This article and the one about being scared to see a man be vulnerable is something I cannot relate to in any way.

    Maybe my sister is a ‘Love Addict’. She is almost always in a relationship.

    I clicked on the link to the ‘Love Addiction’ article and although I could answer ‘yes’ to some of those questions, my addiction to love on a scale of 0 – 10 is 0.

  • Pseudonym

    Well, I think once you factor in how her previous marriages are reported to had ended and the fact that she’s 45, it doesn’t seem as much as an “addiction” but perhaps she’s just beautiful, famous, and has lots of options? I’m sure whenever she goes back on the market, a million ears perk up and men stand at attention, ready to woo her.

  • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com Perverted Alchemist

    Her third trip down the aisle? I’ll give it a year…

    Also, with all of the questions that Danielle posed as a part of the quiz, anyone who has ever seen a Halle Berry interview noticed that she basically answered all of those questions over the years. It’s become painfully clear that something is just not right with that woman!

  • Joan

    I don’t know if Halle is addicted to love, but she definitely seems addicted to white men.

  • girlformerlyknownasgrace

    This article describes Jennifer Lopez to a tee lol. I have never seen this chick outside of a relationship for longer than 5 minutes. And the ones she is always in are always crappy because she spends no time finding quality men who are compatible.

    And yes i have friends who are either addicted to love or in love with the idea of being in love. These ppl define their existence by who they are with and cant imagine being alone. It can become quite frustrating.

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    I’m sorry, but there is something wrong with this woman called Halle Berry. I would NOT work for her!!!! She scurrrs me.

  • Mimi

    Not to name drop, but I was at a party with David Justice some years ago and he said that she was bat sh!t crazy! Of course, this could just be “hate” because if I recall correctly, their divorce was still a little fresh at that time, but he really had nothing nice to say about her mental state.

  • Natalie B.

    I agree with Pseudonym. Drew Barrymore has been coupled up/married multiple times, and she is the focus of this type of scrutiny.

  • Pseudonym

    Well, she is both white and black so no reason that claim should be note-worthy.

  • LAD86

    Is or isn’t?

  • LAD86

    So, Eric Benet was just a fill-in until she could find a White man, right?

  • Sasha

    Dammit guys I was hoping no one would respond to her sill comment lol

  • Ms. Information

    If you aren’t married and you are 30 and up chances are you have been in more than a couple relationships, I just think that most of us realize that we shouldn’t marry people as quickly as those in Hollywood do.

  • Pseudonym

    hahaha

    I couldn’t help it. It was just too easy and there are too many frequent commenters on this site that would agree and let that false and stupid comment turn into an actual discussion. (Did you see the 900+ comment explosion from the article titled something along the lines of “I’m not racist, I just don’t wanna screw a white man?”

    Pure ignorance. Article included.

  • Sasha

    lol @Pseudonym I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought the article and the debate that followed was pure unadulterated ignorance. In fact I don’t know which one was more ignorant- the article or the comments but what I do know is that I definitely got a laugh from reading both and then just shook my head.

    oh ps- by sill I meant silly.

  • Karen

    Dang Halle. I hope this is THE ONE for her because Halle always pick the wrong ones. But I thought she said she wasnt ever getting married again? Oh well, I wish her the best.

  • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com Perverted Alchemist

    But you also have to consider this: A lot of people- from studio executives, fellow actors and people who were “involved” with her said the same exact thing about her over the years. A few have said it in public and most have uttered it in private. Now, I’m not going to say Halle is crazy, per se…but I’ll say she played the role of a mental patient in “Gothika” very convincingly, LMAO!!!

  • LAD86

    A lot of the comments on that article were people trolling and/or the same few people typing multiple, incoherent comments.

  • Amy

    Eric Benet said the same thing about her.

  • Buttons

    I thought we had learned a lesson with Whitney Houston and all the negative talk that she was subjected to. But, unfortunately, we haven’t. So, I guess Halle Berry is our next victim. People love pointing fingers at others and turning their issues/non-issues into a conversation piece. The Wendy Williams Syndrome. Halle very well may have some relationship challenges, as we all do. And as black women, we should be able to relate. It has become very difficult to find a suitable mate these days. Regardless of who you are and what you have. I don’t see Halle as a love addict. I see her as a woman that wants to share her life with someone and to experience some happiness, but who’s having a hell of a time trying to find it.

  • http://nocturneadagio.blogspot.com LainaLain

    I used to be a love addict, until I took cupid’s arrow to the knee.

  • http://Ninasgoodthoughts.wordpress.com Ms. Write

    I’m a recovering love addict. After my boyfriend of four years cheated on me, I spent another four years in and out of relationships that I would not, could not go anywhere. My self-esteem suffered tremendously from the fits and starts.

    Thankfully, I’ve bolstered my sense of self-worth with cognitive behavioral therapy. Although I’m still a sucker for romantic comedies and daydreams, I’ve learned to honor my intrinsic value, regardless of whomever I’m dating.

  • TheBestAnonEver, Part 2

    I was a love addict. I cured myself. I realized I never gave myself any space between relationships. I decided not to date for a while and it worked for me. I entered my most fulfilled and mature relationship after then.

  • B.Payne

    I cured my addiction with a 5-year celibacy. The pros are amazing but now the cons have me worried as to how I’m going to function after 5-years of no dating.

    I’m so sharp with my “senses” that I’m not sure if any guy will be able to get off the bench let alone first base.

  • Please Excuse Me

    I think the fear of being alone scares a lot of people. When you’re in a relationship you tend to focus on the other person taking the attention off you. I have a cousin that is always in a relationship…she never gives herself time to heal because the fear of being alone is too unbearable and that she loves sex too much to stay single. I think that is what Halle, Jennifer Lopez and so many other women are going through..

  • tami king

    I guess next she will be sleeping with the Pope! One sad woman!

  • goldilox

    It’s so easy for us to point fingers at people. Not everyone who is a serial monogamist has fears of being alone or some kind of insecurity issues. Some people simply meet other people they really click with and go with that.
    As women, we also need to stop thinking the end of a relationship means something was wrong. Sometimes, people are in your life for a season (whether that’s a month or 22 years). Forever isn’t for everyone and the thinking that forever is the only success when it comes to relationships is childish.
    You can be in love with a man for a good seven years and then you both want other things. You can break up without the drama and hatred that y’all are accustomed to.
    I don’t think Halle has issues, simply coz I don’t know her. We know about 5 men she’s been with in the last decade. Some of you have been with double that number in the last two years.

    \Also, being perpetually single is lauded like it’s the ultimate sign of self-confidence and ability to be alone. Sometimes, being single for extended periods of time is a sign that you are scared and aren’t willing to try when it comes to love. Get over your fears or sit at home creating long lists of dream men. Let the rest of us live!!!

  • Buttons

    Very well said. What is up with this attack mentality? Behind closed doors most of us are doing the very same things and then some. Trust me, Halle got good sense. She pursued her career and established her success, and she wants a man in her life. Plain and simple. It’s not rocket science. So, what makes her the symbol for love addiction?

  • JazzyAL

    Hmph,
    I used to be a love addict. Feels like I’ve grown. lol. Air and water are way more essential than attraction, although attraction is inevitable.. sometimes fatal (i’ve had my experience). I didnt get much nuturing or attention when I was a child, but I didnt cry about about, I just moved out lol. I think my first relationship did it. When we broke up I was so devistated. But it was the first. Not really, just the one I lost my virginity to. Man, I spent a great deal of my life looking for something I thought I had lost. Then one day it hit me… I was in love with loving him! It was me doing all the loving and him returning it. So what Im looking for is inside of me! Was inside of me all along! So, Im better now. I know i have the power to choose whomever I please to give my love to.. at least that love. And NO! intensity is not intimacy! Intimacy is sweet, soft, open, vulnerable.. not crazy(Ive had my experience with that too!). Man… Im better now =)

  • Mariah

    I read that list of 40 questions that can help you determine whether or not you are a love addict. According to the list, I am and I think a lot people are. Personally, I don’t think there is anything with wanting to be in a relationship. Why is that such a bad thing? I am single now and have been for a year. There are times when I want to be in a relationship and there are also times when I thoroughly enjoy being single. I would be lying if I said I don’t get lonely at times, I do. But I am not scared to be alone nor do I deal with random men just so I don’t have to be. Truth be told, I could actually be with someone right now, if I wanted him, but I don’t and I’ve never lead him to believe that I want anything more than a platonic friendship. I just think it’s kind of extreme to think that just because someone desires to be in a relationship they are a love addict.

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    I don’t see anything wrong with equating sex with love. I cannot see myself sleeping with a man unless I am in love with him and vice versa.

  • chanela

    Umm whats wrong with wanting to be in a relationship??? unlike most of the man hating,family hating,”opening a door for women is sexist and patriarchal”,I wanna sleep around monogamy is dumb, my degree means everything women on clutch SOME women (like me) actually want a family. no im not gonna sit around with cobwebs till im 45. i want to find the right man for me and start a family TODAY.friends tell me all the time “girl you needx to be alone for like a year.” for what?? i been alone up until Senior year of hs (first time dating) so why am i gonna waste time? no its not “addiction to love” its called living life and not waiting till im 70 to have a family.

  • Ravi

    she, along with the rest of the country, considers herself to be black. Black, in this country, is almost mutually inclusive with being mixed with white. Being white in this country — not so much.

    Her seeming predilection with white men over the last decade could be considered noteworthy to those that consider interracial couplings noteworthy. With the frequency of which the topic comes up, I’d say a great many people on here do think it is noteworthy.

  • Ravi

    this could conceivably become problematic given many men don’t see much of a link between the two.

  • Velma

    What’s wrong with white guys?? What makes this so funny is the fact that she is biracial. He’s from France, not Saturn….he’s a man so he’s on the menu.

  • Velma

    …yet I wonder if she’s afraid to be alone. We all have different needs….yet I would love to see her really, really happy for a change. :(

  • tami king

    I just wonder how many men she have laid on her back for? I bet she have slept with more men than Wilt Chamberline with women back in his days! I wonder if Flavor Flav hit that?

  • Pseudonym

    @ Velma: yES!!!!! and not just your average guy- white or otherwise-, but friggin OLIVIER MARTINEZ, co-star of “Unfaithful,” giver of the steamiest sex scenes I’ve ever seen. Spanish last name, sexy French accent. Ahhhhh! [*faint*]

    [coming to]

    I gave a side eye when I heard Halle was getting remarried b/c she SWORE on Oprah that she would never get married again. But then I heard who she was getting married to. and it made complete sense.

    [Swoooooooon!!!!]

  • http://method2hermadness.blogspot.com girlformerlyknownasgrace

    @chanela damn you jumped ALL the way to the other side of the boat! Lol!

    I said addicted to love– as in love at all cost. I said they cant imagine being alone as in they would rather be in a bad relationship than not be in one at all. Of course it is perfectly normal to be in a relationship, but I dont think this article is talking about that. It is talking about extreme cases. Im sorry for whatever your friends tell you, but dont take that out on me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003405632463 campung

    noo.. halle darn there CREATED the pixie cut.. c’mon now..Rihanna is a fashionista, but u can’t give her CREDIT for this one. And, if that were the case, then why didn’t Halle cut her hair IMMEDIATELY after Rihanna cut hers.. No sehablietsd woman like Halle needs to copy ANYTHING from a younger newcomer like Rihanna.. love em both, but i’m not buyin it.

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