While watching, “Friends With Benefits” this weekend, I found myself getting upset with Mila Kunis’s character for actually telling men she dated that she didn’t have sex until the fifth date. She would tell them this and then be surprised when they ditched her after getting what they wanted on that fifth night. This struck me as beyond naïve, but is it ever ok to disclose your sex time clock to the person you are dating?

We all remember Joan from “Girlfriends” infamous three month rule that she let EVERY man that she was involved with know about. Then there was Steve Harvey’s book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, that actually told women that they should follow the 90 day rule if they wanted a man to respect them. How much clout does this wait period really hold, especially if you tell a man about it? The reality is that men will bide their time to get what they want. They will be dating you and having sex with someone else until your sex clock is up. A man shouldn’t know when he is getting the goodies. It should be when you are both ready. If you do have a clock he shouldn’t know about it. Keep it to yourself in order to avoid being a victim of the age old “hit it and quit it” outcome. We all know that anyone can be a victim of this no matter if you have a time clock or not, but your chances are higher if you go around telling any man who would listen when you let someone sleep with you.

Self value is something that shouldn’t have a time limit. You know your worth and should be able to judge who is worthy of having you intimately without the help of a time rule. Once you tell someone you have a certain time when you are ready to have sex, they will expect that on that 90 day or fifth date that you are ready to give them your all. What if you’re not? If you had just kept your mouth shut there would be no expectations.

My motto: Do what you feel is right and are ready for. There shouldn’t be a countdown to sex with you and if you do have a “rule” just keep it to yourself.

 

 

  • Just Me

    I think a “sex time clock” is a good thing. It really helps weed out the men who are only around for sex. Even if he’s hanging around waiting to get sex, by 60 days or 90 days, you should be able to tell.

    But I agree with you. Don’t tell the man what your time clock is. What if day 60 or 90 comes and you’re STILL not sure about him. He’ll be expecting sex and you’ll feel obligated to give it.

  • Ocean Blue

    Okay, so I typed a comment under this article and then when I tried to post it, the article disappeared.

    Now, as I was saying…

    I don’t have a ‘sex time clock’ per se and over the years, I have found it increasingly difficult to be romantically attracted to men, so I don’t think this will be an issue anytime soon.

    It baffles me that men will come up with ways to get women in their bed, but then will feel differently about her once they have had sex.

    Can I just say something? Men need to cut it out, thinking that us women don’t know that them asking to ‘chill’ actually means to have sex.

  • Socially Maladjusted

    So

    a “sex timeclock” (silly concept) is a ploy intended to decieve some foolish bwoy into thinking more highly of you than he should?

    or intended to make you think more highly of yourself.

    Attaching one’s self worth to not putting out seem pretty sad in my book.

    Wouldn’t it be better to attach one’s self worth to one’s proactive qualities – like being smart, resourceful, kind, funny, a good a friend – and even a good shag – rather than a no shag?

    I guess it’s whatever works for whoever, but all I know is I’ve never heard a man link whatever respect he had for a woman to her not putting out. Most of the time men respect women for the same reasons they respect other men.

    Because you’re dealing with someone who is smart, resourceful, kind, funny, a good a friend . . . , etc etc rar.

  • Socially Maladjusted

    ocean blue

    Can I just say something? Men need to cut it out, thinking that us women don’t know that them asking to ‘chill’ actually means to have sex.

    Aww cute!

    You must be really young.

    :-)

  • Ocean Blue

    Awww, no, you’re wrong. I am not ‘really young’. If anything, the word ‘chill’ being used this way is done by Black men, no matter their age, which is a reflection on them, not me.

    Thank you and good day, sir.

  • Socially Maladjusted

    LOL!

    er ok

    no need to be so salty.

    You’re behaviour now is not cute

    It’s kinda bitter.

    LMAO!

  • binks

    I think the only time you should give this information about a sex time clock is if you are waiting for marriage to engage in sex period but other than that i agree with your points because during the beginning stages of dating you don’t have to shall your sex quirks or rules that soon

  • http://juniysa.blogspot.com Juniysa Serens

    Or how about learning body language and signals?
    Quite honestly I can tell from how a man acts and talks to me to know if he’s just there for the nookie- or want something more.
    I’ve spotted many men for their ‘I just want to know you’ ways and it’s very clear-cut.
    Because of course, women can’t have recreational sex.

  • http://www.afrobyte.co.uk Afrobyte

    Thanks for bringing some common sense to this article. Sounds to me like this article is more about failing to recognise that you’re dating a person with one goal vs a potential long term relationship.

    If its right, its right, if it isn’t then you’d better figure out why and decide whether to move on or not.

  • Ocean Blue

    “Quite honestly I can tell from how a man acts and talks to me to know if he’s just there for the nookie- or want something more.”

    Yea, they make it quite easy to figure out.

  • Liz

    my sex time clock is after I see some test results…

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    Thank you Socially Maladjusted!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God bless you abundantly across the pond.

  • The Taker

    I didn’t know people did this…. In real life. I think the author is joking, amirite? Right?!

  • chika e.

    i’m a virgin so i dont have to deal with this headache. i’m not waiting until marriage but i dont care to have sex anytime soon. if a guy cant deal with that, he aint f@*kin worth it. smh. i’m glad that i dont deal with anything that has to do with sex.

  • D

    Socially Maladjusted, the thing is, it is an issue. Men will pressure or wait around for sex and if you give it to them early, they leave. Why? Oh, because you must be easy and do this for anyone. And if you give it to them late, they leave. Why? Because they didn’t get that thing they wanted from you. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t be so afraid about them not staying. Do you have any idea how much that SUCKS if you were trying to make a relationship?

    I read Steve Harvey’s book about the 90 days and it made me think. What made me think was that he specifically suggested that women state their qualifications and wants up front. Rather than go along with stuff for way too long. This might be a good point to take away and ignore the 90 days thing because it is scary excessive.

    The thing is, I’m not that good at telling whether they’re in it for the nookie. I tend to also chase away men that like me without me really having to change in any way (oh, he’s too boring, too ugly, etc.) and they come around pretty rarely as it is and go for men I have to somehow work to impress, myself. When I’m dating, they seem into it and nice and stuff and then they disappear * poof!

  • Leelee

    @Socially Maladjusted. Hmm. It’s been my experience that men never respect women for the qualities they see in other men. If anything it’s the opposite, but then it could be that I’m dealing with a different age range of men(college).

    I wouldn’t say that I have a sex clock, but I do need to be in a serious, committed relationship, not dating, to even think about sleeping with someone. This is not because I need them to view me in a certain way, but because sex changes things for most people, especially women. It biologically makes women feel closer to men, when there may not be a real connection. I’ve never understood how women can sleep with a man on the first or second date because of the “attraction” and then be hurt when it doesn’t go any further. This may not be because the man is “hitting and quitting” but because he realizes that beyond the sexual chemistry, nothing else is there. Shouldn’t you know this before you engage? At any rate, I know myself and how I would react in certain situations so I’m not walking into hurt.

  • Renee

    i do have a sex time clock, i don’t announce it because men are sneaky like that.

    it’s funny when women say “these guys feel differently about me after we have sex…” no, if a guy likes you, it doesn’t matter when he has sex with you, he will still like you. only thing is, his true colors/intentions came out.

  • Socially Maladjusted

    @LeeLee

    I can’t refute your experience, but I think some clarity might be needed here.
    When I say that men respect women for the same reasons they respect other men – I don’t mean to say that men respect women who “man like”.

    A person who commands respect is usually respected by both men and women – because, in a nutshell – they’re good for what they say they’e good for.

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