If Childcare & Housekeeping Were Important, Men Would Do Them
“B*tch, you wasn’t with me shooting in the gym”
– Drake on Vanessa Bryant, wife of Kobe, in Rick Ross’ “Stay Schemin”
American society does not value childcare and housekeeping. Oh, we say we do. Last week, Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann Romney, got het up when Democratic strategist Hilary Rosen questioned her ability to advise her husband on women’s issues since “[Romney] hasn’t worked a day in her life.” Mrs. Romney countered that raising five children is indeed working–hard work, in fact. And I agree, though I note that as the privileged wife of a millionaire, Ann Romney should hardly be the voice of the average stay-at-home-mom. But I don’t believe all the Conservatives rushing to voice their support of mothers everywhere. And I believe few of the Liberals saying of course parenting is just as valuable as working outside of the home mean it either. That is just not the society we live in.
We live in a society where childcare providers–mostly women–are barely paid living wages. American parental leave pales in comparison to that of most European countries (Parents in Sweden receive a whopping 16 months to care for newborns, for example). And when a woman forgoes a career to help a man reach the pinnacle of success by tending to home and hearth, and then divorces in the face of infidelity, some folks greet the idea of equal division of family wealth with, “Bitch, you wasn’t with me shooting in the gym.” I guess child-rearing skills just aren’t as important as tossing a ball through a hoop with amazing accuracy.
You know when I will believe that our society values housekeeping and childcare? When men do it.
Don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of men who are involved spouses and fathers, but few who take primary responsibility for maintaining home and family. That is why childcare providers are unfairly compensated. That is why single mothers without outside employment are not applauded for working hard raising their families. That is why America doesn’t give a damn about affordable and reliable childcare. Housekeeping and childcare are not important because men don’t do it. Because what we really believe is that these things are “women’s work.” And as long as this is true, and we all still live in a sexist society, then these things will always be undervalued.
Say you run into an old college classmate at the corner coffee shop. He was a smart guy back in the day. Sharp. Everyone knew he was going to be somebody. You ask him what he’s up to and he says he’s a househusband. He cares for his two young children while his wife works in a high-powered corporate job. If you find this news anything but admirable–if you find it at all emasculating–ask yourself why.
The idea that keeping house and raising children are unimportant is a product of a sexist culture, but to change this, it’s not just men who will have to adapt. If women believe nurturing is as important as providing, well then, we have to be okay with potential husbands and life partners choosing the former and not just the latter. We have to let go of the idea that the most important thing a man can bring to a committed relationship is a paycheck. Now, this is not some endorsement of shiftless, lazy men with no life direction, but we should equally admire the brother who is a captain of industry and the brother who stays home and raises future captains of industry.
In an ideal world, a couple could make decisions about work and childcare, based on their family’s unique needs and the strengths and desires of both parents NOT based on worn ideas of femininity and masculinity.
What do you think? Would it be okay if your man was a stay-at-home-dad?
Very interesting post! I don’t know if this is a gender issue as much as it is an economic issue. There was a period of time when my husband worked from home—not manage-the-household work, but work-work. Even though I knew it was unfair, I expected him to shoulder the bulk of the household management, because after all, he was at home all day. I didn’t matter that I was lacking a Y chromosome, somehow I felt that working outside of the home gave me the right to have a hot-cooked meal waiting for me when I walked through the door.
On the flip-side, I’ve been that at home mom with two in diapers to boot, and it was no joke–easily the toughest work I’ve ever done. I wasn’t so much wanting my hard work to be acknowledge and appreciated, I just wanted someone to relieve me so I could nap for a couple of hours. *shrugs*
I’ve actually recently discussed this with my current boyfriend of 3 yrs, I would love for him to be a stay-at-home husband/dad, if my career takes of as projected. He wasn’t too keen on it because he thinks he might get bored. I just don’t think he knows how much goes in to taking care of a household. But he doesn’t have a problem with working part-time, and taking house & home as well, if the financials will work out. I’ve got corner office dreams right now, so I doubt working part-time will be in my best interest, but who knows what the future holds. Either way, I’d just like our future family to be well provided AND nutured for… and I don’t care who, or how that gets divided up between the two of us.
This article makes me sick. Our house work has been slashed to nearly nothing thanks to the modern advances. We have dish washers, washing and drying machines, vacuums, televisions to raise our children, etc. We all make a choice as to what type of life we are going to have especially in a country like the US so please lets not use yet ANOTHER opportunity for a pity party. No one forces us to become mothers. Since women divorce men, no one forces us to become divorced single mothers.
Hosue-husbands? No thanks. Many of us here would like to believe that we can go off to work while our husbands are home with the kids but the resentment will eventually build.
Lastly these Scandanavian countries are taxed to death. All those perks they have arent free. I wonder how much of their paycheck they actually take home. Personally, as an American, I would rather take home most of the money I make. And another thing, so what if childcare providers get paid crap. They arent doctors, it doesnt take any expertise to mind children and there are a bunch of people who can do it. Some of you act as if you dont understand market forces. Take an Econ class and be quiet.
I swear women don’t get it – They are driving the PRODUCTIVITY of men INTO THE GROUND.
The more women advocate this SIMP ASS behavior from black men – the further in the whole we go and women don’t even get it.
The very system of welfare will collapse – yes the welfare and other social programs that women and single mother need.
That money does NOT come out of thin air. It comes from the paychecks of men and women who are working, but women who encourage this simp ass behavior from men and boys often times get it, resent it later – especially when they see those other races of women who GOT with the program of their men, didn’t disrupt the social contract between men and women, and are living comfortably. That’s when it gets to black women – but that’s not even my point.
The system of welfare will collapse because you have more women taking money OUT of the system, that you have PRODUCTIVE men putting money into the system.
Women are not hiring themselves, and even when they are in a position to do so, they DO NOT CREATE THEIR OWN JOBS AND OPPORTUNITIES.
MOST DO NOT!
They are dependent on what men create, but as time goes on – when men aren’t productive, jobs will decline, we enter recessions, women can’t find jobs, and are now more dependent on welfare, but there’s no jobs to even hire men, or men with the incentive to create jobs because they’re all encourage to be a bunch of WHIMPS by women and then what happens?
Welfare and other support services for women collapse because women don’t even have enough productive men to extract money from.
Its like back in the 60s women would get pregnant by a man – go down to the court house and get her child support and demand more EVERY PAY INCREASE.
(Keep in mind men can’t BUILD UP a community when they are strapped for case or paying out exorbitant child support fees) You really want me to believe you are spending $1000 or more on a child a month. PLEASE!
Gee that’s a nice purse!
Anyhoo, Today – you have women who get with men who get their money ILLEGALLY have a baby by him but guess what? He’s not on the books! He’s invisible to uncle sam, there are no FUNDS FOR HER TO GARNER.
And eventually the whole system will become like that. Men either not working, unproductive, or not on the books because of illegal activity – and women who have the baby and no way to redeem anything.
You can’t squeeze blood from a turnip
Please don’t have children…EVER.
@Perspective and QON
I thought taxes came from people who pay taxes. Well since the working masses foot most of the tax bill why are they are not entitled to have the taxes they pay spent on the services they need?
Where do you people want the taxes spent – building more jails, on the military? Or you are trying to save money for something, if so –
what?
And what the hell relevence does taxes in Sweden have to do with this conversation? The tax system in Sweden is the one the Swedes decided on and created for themselves. Most people in Sweden seem to feel well served by paying high taxes because it delivers a decent standard of living for all its citizens. Everybody pays high taxes so everybody has better quality of life.
What is a tax system supposed to do if not provide services to the masses of people to improve their quality of life?
jokers
people chat a load of shit.
Contrast that with the american system where the people (and institutions) who can afford to pay the most tax – pay the least tax, but demand the most from the tax payer, while bemoaning the NEGLIBLE amount of tax money spent on people who actually DO PAY THEIR taxes.
shut the hell up.
You aint got a clue what you’re talking about.
If you are a millionaire’s wife I highly doubt you are doing much of aything, maybe the nanny and/maid is who should be getting the kudos
Thank you
…And for that reason, Ann Romney needs to shut the entire hell up!
I think I may have felt this way more when I was younger but as I have grown older not so much.
I wish people would stop saying being a mother is the hardest job in the world. It’s isn’t, especially in comparison to, oh I don’t know the doctor’s who performed the first full facial transplant or neurosurgeons. No one is forcing you to become a mother, it is YOUR choice to do it. If you choose to fine, but let’s stop acting like it is this crazy difficult job. After all it isn’t like you are raising kids, tilling land, milking cow, planting crops, preparing food, sewing cloths, shearing sheep to make those closes, all while taking care of 7-9 kids. Being a stay at home Mom was hard when my granma was a kid. With modern conveniences there is no reason for housework to be as difficult as people make it out to be. You have laundry every couple of days, dishes, and meals…unless you live like a pig and are CONSTANTLY having to do a full house clean everyday… and if that is case then what are you doing the rest of the time to have such a dirty house? Come talk to me when you are working a part-time/full-time job AND running the house. And considering there are 13y/o that act as child care providers while parents are out for the evening, I don’t think it is a job that demands a 6 figure salary. Just being honest.
I agree with you and I AM married to a neurosurgeon- I choose to stay home- I gave up my career and don’t regret it- I do some freelance work from home along with the normal household stuff. I said just yesterday that my gig is pretty easy compared to his- he looked at our screaming, teething toddler who I was comforting and said- no way! He’d rather be operating-for him, that is easy! Yes, I know I am fortunate to have this choice- even more fortunate is the fact that my husband DOES appreciate what I do and actually pitches in- he helps- cooks and cleans and is an involved daddy- he can change a mean diaper and remove a brain tumor all in a days work… I do not think I would want to be at home if my husband didn’t appreciate my contributions to our family- it may not be monetary but it is significant- and as he points out- if I was to return to work- we would be paying a lot for child care- he even jokes that he couldn’t afford to pay someone to look after our kid 24/7…no, it isn’t hard to be a stay at home mom, or dad for that matter, but it DOES count and it should be valued more in this country but again, you are right- it ain’t brain surgery… ;)