Men Can Be Side-Pieces Too

by Mia Fields-Hall

“I‘m not good enough to be on her arm,” one of my guy friends confessed over drinks not long ago.

He looked distraught, as if his entire world had just crashed around him and there was nothing that he could do about it. Dark circles from sleepless nights marred his usually bright eyes. And although his enthusiasm about life is always on ten, on this particular night it was barely a one. He looked downright pitiful and it was because he had just found out the woman he thought was falling for him was only using him for sex.

Although I understood his shock, I couldn’t, and still don’t, understand how he didn’t see the signs.

In the five months they were seeing each other they rarely hung out in public, she never introduced him to her family or friends, and aside from enjoying each other in the bedroom, they didn’t seem to have much in common.

From the beginning they were an odd pair. She comes from money and an elite life, while he works hard for everything he has. Though a persons background might not matter to some, it did to her. And after a week of ignoring his calls, she dropped a bomb; she was engaged. Despite getting it on with my friend for months, she had been dating another man for four years who was everything on paper, except what she needed in the bedroom.

“I think the hardest part of realizing that she had no feelings at all for me besides the sex is that she spent so much time pretending that she did,” he told us.

Eventually, the woman confessed to him that, despite her engagement, she would still like to continue to see him. While some men may have jumped at the chance to have no-strings-attached sex with a beautiful woman, it left my friend disturbed and with no other choice but to walk away.

I tried to find the words to comfort him, but nothing seemed to help. He was nothing but a boy toy to her and she never had any intention of being in a serious relationship with him. In her mind he wasn’t good enough to take to company events, to meet her parents, or even accompany her on a dinner date to a popular restaurant. The only thing he seemed to be good enough for was pleasing her, which was a sad reality that hit my dear friend like a sledgehammer.

The entire situation made me think about the cheating, and its various double standards. Typically, cheating is associated with men and even the language we use to describe it–jump off, a side-piece, mistress—all relate to men stepping out with other women. But very rarely do we talk about the women who cheat, digging their heels so deep in a man’s heart that he has a hard time ever trusting another woman again.

Many times we jump on men for their wrongdoings without ever considering where their shadiness might have started in the first place. While it doesn’t mean they get a pass for their dirt (because they don’t), my friend’s situation was a reminder that men get broken hearts too.

I used to laugh at my male friends when they would say they were having a hard time finding a woman to get serious with because of trust issues. Impossible, I would think, they have so many options when it comes to good woman to choose from.

Now, I understand that you never know what’s going on behind closed doors. The beautiful woman with the fancy title, full bank account, enormous diamond engagement ring and great guy on her arm who seems to have it all—just might…and then some.

But like I told my friend, sometimes in life you have to learn to love what’s good for you and not what you think is good for you. But that might be another discussion for another day.

  • Ocean Blue

    What I want is for the terms ‘side piece’, ‘jump off’ and ‘side hoe’ to be eradicated from the vocabularies of all of those use it.

    See, this is why men (and women) need to dispel the myth that all women equate sex with love, because it has lead many men to believe that a ‘romp in the sack’ means there is more.

    I do agree that men can be lovers to a woman who is entertaining a man or other men, but because of double standards, that woman is called a wh*re and sl*t.
    ————————————————————————————————————————-
    I can’t relate to the particular article in itself, but I do have a male acquaintance who I have known for fifteen years now, who believes that because we had sex a few times as teenagers (eleven years ago) that it somehow translates to me being interested in him as an adult.

  • Terrence

    Why would a man care about being a sidepiece when all we want anyways is s3x? Personally, I like the idea of being a part time d1ck for a woman because i don’t have to engage in a committed relationship or celebrate holidays, birthdays, and/or family events. I can just slide over lay the pipe and leave with no questions asked. What man in his right mind wouldn’t sign up for this? Then again, if sisters have bought into this philosophy it would explain the high rate of HIV infections in the blk community. After all, you can’t bounce from d*ck to d*ck and not help spread the disease because whether you want to admit it or not, condoms at some point in a relationship whether casual or emotional do come off.

  • Single black male in ATL…

    This is my life right now! I am currently seeing (and I do use that term lightly…) a woman who I KNOW FOR A FACT is sleeping with her EX! Why do I do it? Good question. Aside from the obvious (the sex is good, and she is genuinely attractive) the only thing I could come up with is that I had nothing better to do, and she made it easy. I think that I was her rebound guy. I was her distraction from her EX, whom had been cheating on HER and treating her as less than he should. But now that they are moving back towards each other I can feel the difference in her energy.
    All of the telltale signs mentioned in the article were/are present (we seldom go out in public, she doesn’t know where I live, I’ve never met ANY of her friends, etc…) So I agree, I have NO IDEA how he didn’t see it coming. AT LEAST I saw it coming, so I was able to protect my heart to a large degree. But I can also admit that even though I KNEW it was coming, it still kind sucks to see someone owe company you enjoy (even if it WAS for all the wrong reasons…) move AWAY from you. And now I do sort of have, not additional luggage, but more like a new carry-on to lug around. lol
    Was it worth it? Not in the long run, because dealing with her only served to re-enforce my already QUESTIONABLE AT BEST ability to see women in a positive light. But did I have fun while it lasted? YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT! Now its just a matter of dealing with the inevitable, mental and emotional fall-out. *sigh* I’ll be ok though. I always am! #onTOtheNEXTone

  • Single black male in ATL…

    Co-sign what Terrence just said. #CHURCH

  • OSHH

    I hope folks are wrapping things up.
    Personally, I have done this years ago but have learned that I prefer sex in a committed relationship where there are mutual feelings and respect for one another.
    There is nothing like sex with someone you love and who loves you in return in and out of the boudoir. Anything else just can’t compare and I can’t ever see myself ever settling for a piece, that’s usually shared, ever again!!!

  • Socially Maladjusted

    This story sounds fake to me

    LMAO!

  • OSHH

    One or two suggestions. Why not avoid women who are the rebound, or be nothing more than a platonic friend. You set your own self up by getting involved with this woman knowing her situation. It’s on you to make better judgement calls with who you deal with, Instead of looking at women sideways, look at the role you play in the women you choose. The rebound is always a no option in my book simply because folk need time, time to sort things out, heal etc.

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    @ SbmiATL

    uh oh! I like your story. Your story is juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuicy!!!! more more more!!! :)

  • Perspective

    More evidence of women trying to be and conduct themselves as men and it simply does not work, meanwhile still reserving the right to be treated in such a manner than maintains and preserves all the privileges that the typical gender roles afford women. Ridiculous!

    As long as women take the accountability with this mess. I have no issue, but we all know once something goes down or goes wrong, women will put all the blame on men. Classic

    Terrence laid the law down, and once women catch feelings then the argument turns into how black men are shiftless, want to man whore around, and not commit.

    Hey lady, This is what you signed up for. Now that your feelings are all caught up don’t get mad at me cause I GOT CHICKS ON THE SIDE.

    Some of these women need to grow up.

    30 years old and change talking about side pieces.

    Next weeks article will be about their lack of prospects for marriage.

    (Rolling my eyes)

    Sometimes I just wonder what SOME of you women are advocating. Your all over the place.

    Stop trying to be men! It’s really not as beneficial as you think it is.

    All this does is make men whoring around THAT MUCH EASIER.

    More Va JJ without commitment – HOORAY! More non-commital sex for black men.

    Some of the choices – SOME of you women make… Ya’ll never check for the COLLATERAL DAMAGE IT ENSUES.

  • Perspective

    Co-sign :-/

  • Single black male in ATL…

    OSHH, you just hit the nail on the head. You said that you can’t see settling for a piece that’s shared ever AGAIN, which signifies that you’ve been there and done that before. When you ‘shared goods’ previously, what was your reasoning/logic for doing so at that time?

  • HowApropos…

    @OSHH

    Black men like him love to play dumb, so if and when things go down, they can blame the woman for getting with them in the first place.

    Peep how black men like to act like they have no mind of their own. When it comes to sex, they leave all their common sense behind and expect the woman to take all the responsibility. Now when that girl gets pregnant or catches a disease, they pass buck and say it’s the black woman’s fault.

    Always the black woman’s fault.

  • Single black male in ATL…

    I don’t understand. Why/how does the story sound fake to you?

  • LemonNLime

    What are you talking about? Did you read this article at all? This article is about men to catch feelings in no strings attached relationships NOT women. Maybe you be lecturing men about their actions and feelings rather than women.

  • LemonNLime

    Seriously I keep trying to post to no avail.

    I think if you asked the average guy on the street if he had problems being a “side piece” the majority of them would have not problem with it UNTIL it came to the point your friend encountered where the woman openly admitted to only using him for sex because she is marring or dating someone she deems better or more acceptable for public display. That is when guys get “hurt” because it hurts their pride. I bet most men would assume that if she is sleeping with him consistently then surely she must be attracted to him in some way so he feels like he has some type of control, but once she drops the bomb that she was using him AND that she wouldn’t want to be seen publicly in a relationship with him, that is when it becomes a problem of pride. Even if it was super obvious to everyone and their brother she was using him, I think bc of pride and double standards most men would assume they were the exception bc in most men’s minds there is no way a woman would just use a man sexually and not get attached emotionally.

    Now maybe he really does hurt from being used because he honestly liked her. If that is the case I really feel like he is in the minority. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, I’m just saying the number of times if does happen is much less that the number of times it doesn’t …if that makes sense.

  • LemonNLime

    Where are my comments?

  • LemonNLime

    Buddy you are all over the place. So cosign the behavior when you are the one in control but you are upset and hurt when a woman does the same to you? That makes no sense.

  • HowApropos…

    How about you tell your whorish brethren to practice better judgement also.

    Or do you all relish that you’re whores on the side?

    Why do black men like you act like you’re doing something special and then you have to throw black women into this.

    Stay on topic. Black men have no problem being ‘paid mandingos’ for cuckolds, they love to be ‘rent a dreads’ for desperate white women, and some of them have no problems when ww call them the n-word because it makes your dick hard when they defy you.

    There’s nothing special about black men being sidepieces.

    It’s as American as apple pie.

  • HowApropos…

    And they wonder why the HIV/AIDS stat is so high.

    We’d better start with the black men and why they continue to think with their dicks.

    And then wonder why black women allow them to have sex with no condom.

    Russian Roulette, black folks…

  • OSHH

    I was young and stupid but alas I grew up truly learned to love, respect and value myself enough to have standards and the resolve to stand on them, even if it means being abstinent/single/alone. Which is much better than sharing a piece or some so called casual BS.

  • LemonNLime

    I think if you asked the average guy on the street if he had problems being a “side piece” the majority of them would have not problem with it UNTIL it came to the point your friend encountered where the woman openly admitted to only using him for sex because she is marring or dating someone she deems better or more acceptable for public display. That is when guys get “hurt” because it hurts their pride. I bet most men would assume that if she is sleeping with him consistently then surely she must be attracted to him in some way so he feels like he has some type of control, but once she drops the bomb that she was using him AND that she wouldn’t want to be seen publicly in a relationship with him, that is when it becomes a problem of pride. Even if it was super obvious to everyone and their brother she was using him, I think bc of pride and double standards most men would assume they were the exception bc in most men’s minds there is no way a woman would just use a man sexually and not get attached emotionally.

  • Wow!

    Terrance is more than a little right. And this story almost feels surreal. I dont know any men like this and I know some pretty good dudes.

    As a man this sounds a little – ehh – to me. It sounds like this man hit the jackpot and let his ego get in the way. Just the profiles of the folks involved (and the realities of dating choices) says that this man should have expected that a jump was what he was getting into. Sad or not this is the way the world usually works. “Pretty Woman” stories are usually fairytales. Women and men of a “higher social class” tend to go slumming with folks not of their class. That is where they get their excitement but rarely where they go for stability. What he took as her treating him with what felt like “feelings” was simply her treating him like he mattered, even if only in one small part of her life. In 2012 this should happen and the other person (the dude in this case) needs to check his emotions. After telling him the deal she is not responsible; he is not a victim. Sounds like the dude was being a little presumptive and a whole lot of modern-day emo.

    Shoot, I know dudes who would do anything short of pay for this kind of convenience in 2012. I think the saying is dangerous but it applies here; Dude needs to man up and enjoy the free ride or keep it moving until he finds his princess.

  • LemonNLime

    Maybe he really does hurt from being used because he honestly liked her. If that is the case I really feel like he is in the minority. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, I’m just saying the number of times if does happen is much less that the number of times it doesn’t …if that makes sense.

  • OSHH

    @ How Apropos..that’s my thing, in this day age side pieces or anything not monogomous is a very dangerous game to be playing, period. It is the equivalent of Russian Roulette and no piece on earth is worth my life/health.
    People, men and women need to be more responsible, and have some type of morals and standards, instead of it being whateva.

  • HowApropos…

    I totally feel ya, OSHH

    It’s been my observation that lots of black folks live a ‘reactive’ life, rather than a ‘proactive’ life.

    Things wouldn’t be so complicated if folks would just stop and think before doing something that can affect them for the rest of their lives.

    I don’t mean to sound so sanctimonious, but some folks do have to learn to discern situations that can help or harm them.

  • Ms. Terious

    “Buddy you are all over the place. So cosign the behavior when you are the one in control but you are upset and hurt when a woman does the same to you? That makes no sense.”

    that’s called man logic, boo. it’s all good until someone does the same sh*t they do, to them. haha.

  • Ms. Terious

    good luck trying to get perspective to start with the man in the mirror

    *whispers* i honestly think he works for clutch and gets paid to get the ladies all riled up.

  • Ocean Blue

    Yea, so I am not the only one who thought this guy made no sense. He willingly plays a role, but then has the nerve to say he questions his ability to see women in a positive light.

    I don’t know. He is either trolling or really that immature.

  • Tonton Michel

    I can a see a man wanting more from a woman who is not attainable but as men we have to take into account our own nature. Did he really want her or was the fact that she was not available make him want her? If she did commit to her would he have committed to her? A lot of times ego is tied into sex, if he is not in control it is a turn off. If she is getting married and still wants to keep him around I can see that rubbing a lot of men the wrong way, it would make me walk too just on GP. Whats odd about this story is that most men do not dwell on it, either they accept the position or they leave.

  • KB

    Sighhh…..
    Initially, I thought reading this article would be enlightening to those who don’t know this is normal. But then I get to the comments and can only believe that we are still in denial about relationships. Let me say this, many men are side pieces. Many! Do they know it? Yes. Are they acting like it doesn’t bother them? Yes. Only sometimes. And not to their friends.
    Also, I’ve been there before. Let’s stop talking about female side-pieces falling in love and not playing their role. Male side-pieces are doing just the same… We should stop acting like all men are walking around beating their chest, looking and searching just for warm female parts. Nope. They need love too.
    In addition, these male side pieces are begging for her to leave him. Tough. But, real.

  • XY

    In this case, I blame the woman for not telling her side piece his role. Women are usually quick to state what they want, when they want, and be very clear to their side pieces regarding the rules, and most men are usually fine with that, until they catch feelings. Either way, no deception is necessary. Some men usually lie to their side pieces about what they want and their role, some tell the truth, but in the cases for the ones who lie, the men get comfortable allowing the side piece to think the interactions are a relationship, which cause them to be in denial and later on become upset when they realize he wasn’t planning to change his mind from the beginning. I think the song goes something like “well be cool if you just play your part” If everyone was honest and accepted their role the world would be a happier place.

  • Single black male in ATL…

    Nicely said!

  • Single black male in ATL…

    Greetings KB,

    Let me piggy back off of what you were saying because I see in the hours since I posted my original statements that I’ve been taking somewhat of a beating.

    Let me start by saying that I’m not ALL OVER THE PLACE people!

    What you were seeing in my co-sign was an acknowledgement of the ‘upside’ of being a man who KNOWS that they ARE a side piece. It’s obvious. Free sex! (YAAAA!) The part where I think most of you got lost was when I openly admitted to what KB seemed to be alluding to. The fact that there is indeed a downside!
    Men DO catch feelings from time to time. We do! We get attached to some of the women we sleep with. We do! (not always, but it DOES happen sometimes…) And when that happens it results in hurt feelings. I’m not made of stone. I do a pretty good job of ‘staying in my place’, however, there have been times when I overstepped my boundaries.
    And of course, when choosing to ride this type of emotional roller coaster, one HAS TO KNOW that there will be the occasional scar to your emotions, or bruise to your ego. It comes with the territory.
    The choices for any individual in this position are to either accept and, make PEACE with it, OR move on. Many of YOU ALL choose to move on (Or at least now you do, because you are ‘so grown up’ and ‘mature’ ***insert eye-roll here*** You feel anything other than a serious committed relationship is beneath you, so in your book anyone who entertains a situation like this must clearly be beneath you…give me a f*cking break!) You look down your nose at me because I choose to entertain it. But it’s MY CHOICE!
    I would be dead wrong if I said you were LAME or SCARY AS HELL for choosing to be alone over playing some woman’s side piece. Likewise, you are wrong for classifying me as ‘scattered’, or immature for going forward with it. I’m aware of the potential pitfalls and am cool with it. We’re all different people, with different values. We make different decisions. At the the end of the day, what does any of this even matter? In fact, why am I even bothering to justify myself to a bunch of narrow minded, judgement passing people?

    ~BIG UP to you KB for a nice post that seem to represent the OTHER SIDE of what i was trying to convey earlier~

  • Ms. Information

    Reading all of that made me tired..no comment.

  • Yeahright2011

    Well this shows that men and women aren’t that different. Hopefully the husband gets custody and alimony and the guy mistress gets tested. We cant try to make this a racial thing but we’d look like idiots.

    Just read the other comments. Idiots on deck.

  • binks

    @OSHH

    Me and you are so –><— personally I think having a side piece, jump off, etc. is to draining and stressing. I rather wait to be in a committed relationship before sharing myself because the game that was played in this article is crazy and way to much work. If you have to do all of this to have your cake and eat it too than you really don't want the damn cake….lol

  • HowApropos…

    I wouldn’t put it past this site to do that. ^^^

  • Liz

    This story is nasstee…

  • modern lady

    This is such ho ish! Side piece is a good way to contract AIDS.

  • chanela

    Right! @howapropos it absolutely disgusts me at how so many people approve of such disgusting out of control behavior. the hilarious thing is that they get so out of this world surprised when the studies of STD and AIDS rates come out high as a mug. umm how did you think that happened? people are so nasty and don’t ever think. i don’t care if i sound judgmental or on a high horse, i know better than to insult myself by behaving with no morals or respect for my body. so sad that other “adults” don’t take care of themselves till its too late .SMH

  • links on deck

    So what are they trying to say? More STDs and HIV? Geez, glad to know the world doesn’t have a shortage of idiots.

  • YouWishYouCouldBeMe

    Perspective, I think I know your first, middle and last name. You have deep issues, but it’s okay. I only wish your parents hugged and kissed you more when you were growing up. Since you lack maturity and possess infancy, however, I want to give you a different “Perspective.” Not all women are whoring around like the one in this article. Quite a few are either celibate or sexually cautious, engaging in sexual relations with a low number of partners. However, this article opts to shed light on a small group of women who engage in this promiscuous behavior. See, the point of this article is to let men know that “guess what? Sometimes you were just a temporary fix (i.e. a maintenance man) or a “side-piece.” Every man that we sleep with is not meant to be our husbands. Sometimes our Va-JJ’s (as you call them) crave something long and hard to scratch an itch. Every man is not good enough to be our Mister. Just like men say that not every woman is wife material…this article reiterates to men that sometimes you aren’t husband material. You serve a single purpose, and in this particular case, it’s merely sexual. Get over yourself and the men who find out they are jump offs for a woman have to get over it too!

  • jamesfrmphilly

    if it feel this good getting used……….

  • Myown

    @OSSH I have to agree sex is way better in a committed relationship. All the worry, fear, and doubt about performance and STD is gone away!! I can’t wait to have sex again with a committed man but this time in a marriage!! Gosh it is beautiful! I don’t have to worry about the man wondering how to please me because he knows from experience and time with me just what to do!! Gosh it is so good! I am telling u all! It is dag! I can’t wait for that time again to be with the man that loves me for me. It’s such a fulfilling expression. And as the time goes by the sex gets better cause the person begins to master your body. It does not get boring if you are with the right person it just increase the pleasure!!

  • Myown

    @xy. That was beautifully stated!! Honesty is key cuz then I can make my choice to leave or not have a side piece. I will admit that I had one but he knew what it was and we kept all things open and honest. To this day we are still cool even though we don’t hang out anymore. He was a cool friend and I still got good vibes for the man. He is happy for me and I am happy for him. :)

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