“I‘m not good enough to be on her arm,” one of my guy friends confessed over drinks not long ago.

He looked distraught, as if his entire world had just crashed around him and there was nothing that he could do about it. Dark circles from sleepless nights marred his usually bright eyes. And although his enthusiasm about life is always on ten, on this particular night it was barely a one. He looked downright pitiful and it was because he had just found out the woman he thought was falling for him was only using him for sex.

Although I understood his shock, I couldn’t, and still don’t, understand how he didn’t see the signs.

In the five months they were seeing each other they rarely hung out in public, she never introduced him to her family or friends, and aside from enjoying each other in the bedroom, they didn’t seem to have much in common.

From the beginning they were an odd pair. She comes from money and an elite life, while he works hard for everything he has. Though a persons background might not matter to some, it did to her. And after a week of ignoring his calls, she dropped a bomb; she was engaged. Despite getting it on with my friend for months, she had been dating another man for four years who was everything on paper, except what she needed in the bedroom.

“I think the hardest part of realizing that she had no feelings at all for me besides the sex is that she spent so much time pretending that she did,” he told us.

Eventually, the woman confessed to him that, despite her engagement, she would still like to continue to see him. While some men may have jumped at the chance to have no-strings-attached sex with a beautiful woman, it left my friend disturbed and with no other choice but to walk away.

I tried to find the words to comfort him, but nothing seemed to help. He was nothing but a boy toy to her and she never had any intention of being in a serious relationship with him. In her mind he wasn’t good enough to take to company events, to meet her parents, or even accompany her on a dinner date to a popular restaurant. The only thing he seemed to be good enough for was pleasing her, which was a sad reality that hit my dear friend like a sledgehammer.

The entire situation made me think about the cheating, and its various double standards. Typically, cheating is associated with men and even the language we use to describe it–jump off, a side-piece, mistress—all relate to men stepping out with other women. But very rarely do we talk about the women who cheat, digging their heels so deep in a man’s heart that he has a hard time ever trusting another woman again.

Many times we jump on men for their wrongdoings without ever considering where their shadiness might have started in the first place. While it doesn’t mean they get a pass for their dirt (because they don’t), my friend’s situation was a reminder that men get broken hearts too.

I used to laugh at my male friends when they would say they were having a hard time finding a woman to get serious with because of trust issues. Impossible, I would think, they have so many options when it comes to good woman to choose from.

Now, I understand that you never know what’s going on behind closed doors. The beautiful woman with the fancy title, full bank account, enormous diamond engagement ring and great guy on her arm who seems to have it all—just might…and then some.

But like I told my friend, sometimes in life you have to learn to love what’s good for you and not what you think is good for you. But that might be another discussion for another day.

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  • Perspective

    More evidence of women trying to be and conduct themselves as men and it simply does not work, meanwhile still reserving the right to be treated in such a manner than maintains and preserves all the privileges that the typical gender roles afford women. Ridiculous!

    As long as women take the accountability with this mess. I have no issue, but we all know once something goes down or goes wrong, women will put all the blame on men. Classic

    Terrence laid the law down, and once women catch feelings then the argument turns into how black men are shiftless, want to man whore around, and not commit.

    Hey lady, This is what you signed up for. Now that your feelings are all caught up don’t get mad at me cause I GOT CHICKS ON THE SIDE.

    Some of these women need to grow up.

    30 years old and change talking about side pieces.

    Next weeks article will be about their lack of prospects for marriage.

    (Rolling my eyes)

    Sometimes I just wonder what SOME of you women are advocating. Your all over the place.

    Stop trying to be men! It’s really not as beneficial as you think it is.

    All this does is make men whoring around THAT MUCH EASIER.

    More Va JJ without commitment – HOORAY! More non-commital sex for black men.

    Some of the choices – SOME of you women make… Ya’ll never check for the COLLATERAL DAMAGE IT ENSUES.

    • LemonNLime

      What are you talking about? Did you read this article at all? This article is about men to catch feelings in no strings attached relationships NOT women. Maybe you be lecturing men about their actions and feelings rather than women.

    • HowApropos…

      How about you tell your whorish brethren to practice better judgement also.

      Or do you all relish that you’re whores on the side?

      Why do black men like you act like you’re doing something special and then you have to throw black women into this.

      Stay on topic. Black men have no problem being ‘paid mandingos’ for cuckolds, they love to be ‘rent a dreads’ for desperate white women, and some of them have no problems when ww call them the n-word because it makes your dick hard when they defy you.

      There’s nothing special about black men being sidepieces.

      It’s as American as apple pie.

    • HowApropos…

      And they wonder why the HIV/AIDS stat is so high.

      We’d better start with the black men and why they continue to think with their dicks.

      And then wonder why black women allow them to have sex with no condom.

      Russian Roulette, black folks…

    • OSHH

      @ How Apropos..that’s my thing, in this day age side pieces or anything not monogomous is a very dangerous game to be playing, period. It is the equivalent of Russian Roulette and no piece on earth is worth my life/health.
      People, men and women need to be more responsible, and have some type of morals and standards, instead of it being whateva.

    • HowApropos…

      I totally feel ya, OSHH

      It’s been my observation that lots of black folks live a ‘reactive’ life, rather than a ‘proactive’ life.

      Things wouldn’t be so complicated if folks would just stop and think before doing something that can affect them for the rest of their lives.

      I don’t mean to sound so sanctimonious, but some folks do have to learn to discern situations that can help or harm them.

    • Ms. Terious

      good luck trying to get perspective to start with the man in the mirror

      *whispers* i honestly think he works for clutch and gets paid to get the ladies all riled up.

    • HowApropos…

      I wouldn’t put it past this site to do that. ^^^

    • chanela

      Right! @howapropos it absolutely disgusts me at how so many people approve of such disgusting out of control behavior. the hilarious thing is that they get so out of this world surprised when the studies of STD and AIDS rates come out high as a mug. umm how did you think that happened? people are so nasty and don’t ever think. i don’t care if i sound judgmental or on a high horse, i know better than to insult myself by behaving with no morals or respect for my body. so sad that other “adults” don’t take care of themselves till its too late .SMH

    • YouWishYouCouldBeMe

      Perspective, I think I know your first, middle and last name. You have deep issues, but it’s okay. I only wish your parents hugged and kissed you more when you were growing up. Since you lack maturity and possess infancy, however, I want to give you a different “Perspective.” Not all women are whoring around like the one in this article. Quite a few are either celibate or sexually cautious, engaging in sexual relations with a low number of partners. However, this article opts to shed light on a small group of women who engage in this promiscuous behavior. See, the point of this article is to let men know that “guess what? Sometimes you were just a temporary fix (i.e. a maintenance man) or a “side-piece.” Every man that we sleep with is not meant to be our husbands. Sometimes our Va-JJ’s (as you call them) crave something long and hard to scratch an itch. Every man is not good enough to be our Mister. Just like men say that not every woman is wife material…this article reiterates to men that sometimes you aren’t husband material. You serve a single purpose, and in this particular case, it’s merely sexual. Get over yourself and the men who find out they are jump offs for a woman have to get over it too!

  • LemonNLime

    Seriously I keep trying to post to no avail.

    I think if you asked the average guy on the street if he had problems being a “side piece” the majority of them would have not problem with it UNTIL it came to the point your friend encountered where the woman openly admitted to only using him for sex because she is marring or dating someone she deems better or more acceptable for public display. That is when guys get “hurt” because it hurts their pride. I bet most men would assume that if she is sleeping with him consistently then surely she must be attracted to him in some way so he feels like he has some type of control, but once she drops the bomb that she was using him AND that she wouldn’t want to be seen publicly in a relationship with him, that is when it becomes a problem of pride. Even if it was super obvious to everyone and their brother she was using him, I think bc of pride and double standards most men would assume they were the exception bc in most men’s minds there is no way a woman would just use a man sexually and not get attached emotionally.

    Now maybe he really does hurt from being used because he honestly liked her. If that is the case I really feel like he is in the minority. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, I’m just saying the number of times if does happen is much less that the number of times it doesn’t …if that makes sense.

  • LemonNLime

    Where are my comments?

  • LemonNLime

    I think if you asked the average guy on the street if he had problems being a “side piece” the majority of them would have not problem with it UNTIL it came to the point your friend encountered where the woman openly admitted to only using him for sex because she is marring or dating someone she deems better or more acceptable for public display. That is when guys get “hurt” because it hurts their pride. I bet most men would assume that if she is sleeping with him consistently then surely she must be attracted to him in some way so he feels like he has some type of control, but once she drops the bomb that she was using him AND that she wouldn’t want to be seen publicly in a relationship with him, that is when it becomes a problem of pride. Even if it was super obvious to everyone and their brother she was using him, I think bc of pride and double standards most men would assume they were the exception bc in most men’s minds there is no way a woman would just use a man sexually and not get attached emotionally.

    • LemonNLime

      Maybe he really does hurt from being used because he honestly liked her. If that is the case I really feel like he is in the minority. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, I’m just saying the number of times if does happen is much less that the number of times it doesn’t …if that makes sense.

  • Wow!

    Terrance is more than a little right. And this story almost feels surreal. I dont know any men like this and I know some pretty good dudes.

    As a man this sounds a little – ehh – to me. It sounds like this man hit the jackpot and let his ego get in the way. Just the profiles of the folks involved (and the realities of dating choices) says that this man should have expected that a jump was what he was getting into. Sad or not this is the way the world usually works. “Pretty Woman” stories are usually fairytales. Women and men of a “higher social class” tend to go slumming with folks not of their class. That is where they get their excitement but rarely where they go for stability. What he took as her treating him with what felt like “feelings” was simply her treating him like he mattered, even if only in one small part of her life. In 2012 this should happen and the other person (the dude in this case) needs to check his emotions. After telling him the deal she is not responsible; he is not a victim. Sounds like the dude was being a little presumptive and a whole lot of modern-day emo.

    Shoot, I know dudes who would do anything short of pay for this kind of convenience in 2012. I think the saying is dangerous but it applies here; Dude needs to man up and enjoy the free ride or keep it moving until he finds his princess.

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