Professional Sexism: Does Marriage Hurt Your Chances of Getting Ahead?
In the process of discussing an opportunity to co-anchor a radio show, I was asked a question that stopped me cold:
“Are you married? I ask because some men don’t want their wives to travel away from home.”
My first instinct was to be offended. I could not imagine a man being asked his marital status as some sort of barometer for professional availability; in fact, marriage in men is viewed — more often than not — as a stabilizing relationship solidly in the plus column. Adversely, for women it is often viewed with trepidation.
This incident made me evaluate other recent, professional interactions with men and a recurring theme began to emerge:
My marital status was often being counted against me — subtly of course, but it was seen as a liability.
There was the editor who loved to call me at all hours of the night to talk business, until he realized that I was married. Then, not only did the calls dwindle away, but I noticed that single women — with less discernible skill sets, but who may have been more likely to consider a proposition from a mentor/colleague – were being offered the very same opportunities that were once mine for the taking.
In the same category of sexism, I was passed over for one job in my twenties for being pregnant and in my freshman year of college because my father called the company to satisfy his need that the men in charge were on the up and up. In retrospect, they weren’t.
These incidents lead me to the obvious question:
Is the possibility of casual sex a determining factor for men when forming professional relationships with women?
My answer would be a resounding, “Yes,” but I wanted to ask some colleagues of mine to make sure I wasn’t reaching.
When asked did being single affect how she was treated by men in her line of work, a well-known publicist in the entertainment industry claims that it’s not about being single (at least not in the ways one may think), rather it’s about how much a woman brings to the table professionally:
“Regardless what some women may think, the quickest way to lose access to men, particularly in the entertainment industry is by sleeping with managers, agents and label honchos, If they only hired you to get into bed with you then as soon as that happens they will be asking for their final invoice. The smart executives know to keep women and business separate and aren’t going to hire a publicist for a valuable account because they want her for an orgasm. I can see this potentially happening with secretaries or interns who some people feel are easily replaceable but an individual who is in charge of your client’s public image in the media? No way.”
In an ironic twist, she says that she has also experienced the “romantically attached woman curse” and it cost her a lucrative contract:
“I was fired once by a client who really thought he had a shot with me. After he realized that I wouldn’t sleep with him, he had his manager fire me. He could claim it was for other reasons but he stopped responding to my interview requests for like a month after I rebuffed his advances.”
Married women tell similar stories. When asked how being married has affected her career, one news editor quickly helped me realize that my experiences were not unique:
“Men are full of shit when it comes to married women, especially with media opportunities. It’s always ‘What can you do for me?’ and if that doesn’t include dropping your panties, then they’re on to the next. I’ve had men want to take me to dinner, tell me how my face is made for television and give me some version of the line, ‘Stick with me, kid, you’re going places,’ then as soon as they realize there’s a mister in the picture, the façade drops, the interest fades and they move on to the next target. This isn’t to say that talent and hard-work can’t get you to the top. But giving men the illusion that one day they might ‘be on top’ is one way to keep your foot in a door that would otherwise be slammed shut.”
[Side note: None of my male contacts wanted to go on the record for this article.]
What became apparent to me during this impromptu survey is that relationship status can – and does – often act as a road block for women trying to get ahead professionally.
This leaves us with a pressing question:
What, if anything, can be done about it?
This goes beyond the workplace. Hmph!
I think what could be done about it, is for people to move away from gender roles as a start.
good topic! i think the issue is bigger than just women being treated differently by their bosses/clients, but also includes society’s perception of the sacrifices that married women should make. after getting married and having a baby, my very close friend has been struggling to complete her phd. during this time period, her husband has completed his post-graduate degree and she feels it’s due to her support and sacrifices. unfortunately, in her opinion, this support wasn’t reciprocal, and although she was working two jobs while in school, her husband had certain expectations of her domestically and emotionally. moral of the story: women are viewed as perennial caretakers, despite our circumstances, and a “good” wife is expected to fulfill her gender role just as well as her job description. if receiving phone calls from your boss at late hours or traveling for work impedes the former then the latter will most certainly suffer. this ideal is most certainly sexist and is seemingly exacerbated when we have children.
THIS: Women are viewed as perennial caretakers, despite our circumstances .
I completely agree with you. Women are expected to take care of others and this also applies even for those who have no children or spouse. I definitely feel for your friend. I think alot of men take their spouses for granted and imagine that their needs and ambitions are paramount. I find it interesting that you state that her husband had “certain expectations domestically and emotionally”. Hopefully your friend has also asked for help, for instance more sharing of chores domestically might help her finish her degree faster. Sacrifice is required in marriage but there has to be a balance or resentment builds up.
I think that you probably got passed over for the job your freshman year in college simply because your father called the place. This is not a high school project or your father calling other parents to find out if you are safe to sleep over there….its a JOB. Even I would’ve passed you up for that job had I gotten a call from your father….it’s unprofessional. That has nothing to do with your gender….
I have to agree with maggie I don’t think the freshman job denial had anything to do with sexism. If a potential employees “mommy or daddy” is calling a job to check I wouldn’t hire that person either
Yeah…no. This was not a corporation. This was a one man in the entertainment industry with a company and he wanted me to travel with him. I was 18 years old. Once my father called to see what exactly the details were, he quickly changed his attitude towards me and eventually the job went to someone else.
I found out later that he often did that with young girls who easily fell for the okey-doke.
Even at 18 (too long ago), professionalism was not foreign to me — and my father was exactly right. I would do the exact same thing for my daughter.
@Maggie and Kenzy, It’s not that simple. While I agree that if you are old enough to hold a job your parents should not interfere, some circumstances call for it. Case in point, the author states below that she was working for a one man operation. My father did the same thing at a temporary job I got, same situation, a one man startup where I would spend long hours in the office with the owner and another male colleague. There was no other female at this place. He just showed up one day on the pretext of saying hello and got to the meet the people I was working with. I still kept the job after and was not asked to leave. It may seem like overkill and some version of “helicopter parenting” but an older person may notice things that could raise red flags that you may miss when you are young. Many women are sexually harassed and even assaulted in work places, it’s not such a far fetched idea. Evaluate the circumstances in each situation and make a judgement call.
Now on the other hand, if a parent called or showed up to ask why their child was passed up for a promotion etc that would not be acceptable.
Turns out that some men are also afraid to mentor women because some people may draw the wrong conclusion. See the link below:
http://thecareerist.typepad.com/thecareerist/2012/02/food-fear-.html
This has nothing to do with “relationship status” and every thing to do with “quid pro quo”. They aren’t backing off BECAUSE you are in a relationship (as men have sex with married women all the time) they are backing off BECAUSE you won’t sleep with them. This is not new and not news worthy.
Please, somebody, please tell me this is different in the sciences.
Actually similar conclusions have been drawn for careers in the sciences. I think it’s even more common for women who have children especially in some academic institutions. A book called: Mama,PhD: Women write about motherhood and academic life chronicles some of these experiences. However, some institutions have taken notice and try to create environments that are more accomodating. Industries and government have already tried to create environments that are more balanced between work and personal life.