Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And the beholder has grown up watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show that’s not really a fashion show and digesting Sport Illustrated swimsuit covers. We, as a people, have a general idea of what’s attractive, even if what’s “attractive” is often the result of a trainer, hair extensions, good camera lighting, self-tanner, a great diet, lots of exercise, Photoshop and good ol’ genetics.
But aside from the world of the “Professional Pretty” class of folks who get paid for giving good face (actors, models, entertainers, singers, etc.), there are the many, many more of us in the much more difficult to categorize land of “regulars,” where all beauty is relative.
Enter, stage right, this woman:
While I’m no Elle Macpherson, I’m tall, slim, blonde and, so I’m often told, a good-looking woman. I know how lucky I am. But there are downsides to being pretty — the main one being that other women hate me for no other reason than my lovely looks.
If you’re a woman reading this, I’d hazard that you’ve already formed your own opinion about me — and it won’t be very flattering. For while many doors have been opened (literally) as a result of my looks, just as many have been metaphorically slammed in my face — and usually by my own sex.
I’m not going to delve into whether or not the author of this, Samantha Brick, is comely. Because, again, she opens with saying she’s not a member of the professional pretty class like Elle Macpherson, but one of “us” –regulars. And she wants her attractiveness judged in that context. Maybe she’s thinner and blonder than others in a land of the short, squat and brunette. I don’t know. I’m not in her life. But what is and isn’t pretty is often a matter of taste among us regulars.
Like I had to accept oh-so-long ago that I was not Professional Pretty “hot.” Hot in that ethereal, unreachable way that some women are just born into being. I’m cute. I can be pretty or lovely or even beautiful depending on what day it is and if I bothered to use concealer. But universally good looking? Hot? No. I am not hot. Even the guy who “thinks” I’m hot for whatever reason is usually referring to some body part of mine that would be oh-so-hot all on its own if it weren’t attached to 5’3” of awkward black nerd girl.
But in the land of regulars, how do you know if someone is hating because they’re muy celoso or because you’re just one of those obnoxious slags who refuses to acknowledge that you may be a jerky-mc-jerkface and people don’t like you because you’re rude or lacking interpersonal skills?
1) Are you able to make and retain friends, often for years?
If yes, stop. Why are you taking this quiz? Everyone’s supposed to hate you so much they can’t be friends with you, ugmo. Back to the line.
If no, continue.
2) Are you in a public place?
If yes. Stay where you are, I have questions.
If not, go some place public to finish this quiz, a café, coffee shop, your job, school, wherever anyone can see you.
3) Is anyone looking at you?
If no, stop. No one is jealous of you. Everyone knows that the truly gorgeous turn heads and people can’t stop staring.
If yes, continue.
4) Is the person looking at you looking like they’re full of desire or disgust?
If desire, continue to No. 5. If disgust, skip to No. 7.