Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And the beholder has grown up watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show that’s not really a fashion show and digesting Sport Illustrated swimsuit covers. We, as a people, have a general idea of what’s attractive, even if what’s “attractive” is often the result of a trainer, hair extensions, good camera lighting, self-tanner, a great diet, lots of exercise, Photoshop and good ol’ genetics.

But aside from the world of the “Professional Pretty” class of folks who get paid for giving good face (actors, models, entertainers, singers, etc.), there are the many, many more of us in the much more difficult to categorize land of “regulars,” where all beauty is relative.

Enter, stage right, this woman:

While I’m no Elle Macpherson, I’m tall, slim, blonde and, so I’m often told, a good-looking woman. I know how lucky I am. But there are downsides to being pretty — the main one being that other women hate me for no other reason than my lovely looks.

If you’re a woman reading this, I’d hazard that you’ve already formed your own opinion about me — and it won’t be very flattering. For while many doors have been opened (literally) as a result of my looks, just as many have been metaphorically slammed in my face — and usually by my own sex.

Ha. Adorable.

I’m not going to delve into whether or not the author of this, Samantha Brick, is comely. Because, again, she opens with saying she’s not a member of the professional pretty class like Elle Macpherson, but one of “us” –regulars. And she wants her attractiveness judged in that context. Maybe she’s thinner and blonder than others in a land of the short, squat and brunette. I don’t know. I’m not in her life. But what is and isn’t pretty is often a matter of taste among us regulars.

Like I had to accept oh-so-long ago that I was not Professional Pretty “hot.” Hot in that ethereal, unreachable way that some women are just born into being. I’m cute. I can be pretty or lovely or even beautiful depending on what day it is and if I bothered to use concealer. But universally good looking? Hot? No. I am not hot. Even the guy who “thinks” I’m hot for whatever reason is usually referring to some body part of mine that would be oh-so-hot all on its own if it weren’t attached to 5’3” of awkward black nerd girl.

But in the land of regulars, how do you know if someone is hating because they’re muy celoso or because you’re just one of those obnoxious slags who refuses to acknowledge that you may be a jerky-mc-jerkface and people don’t like you because you’re rude or lacking interpersonal skills?

Easy.

1) Are you able to make and retain friends, often for years?

If yes, stop. Why are you taking this quiz? Everyone’s supposed to hate you so much they can’t be friends with you, ugmo. Back to the line.

If no, continue.

2) Are you in a public place?

If yes. Stay where you are, I have questions.

If not, go some place public to finish this quiz, a café, coffee shop, your job, school, wherever anyone can see you.

3) Is anyone looking at you?

If no, stop. No one is jealous of you. Everyone knows that the truly gorgeous turn heads and people can’t stop staring.

If yes, continue.

4) Is the person looking at you looking like they’re full of desire or disgust?

If desire, continue to No. 5. If disgust, skip to No. 7.

5) Mmm. Desire, eh? Do you think they’re cute too?

If yes, that’s interesting. Go on to No. 6.

If no, DON’T MAKE EYE CONTACT. They’ll walk over! See if there’s someone else looking who’s less terrifying, then go on to No. 6.

6) Do you hate them for being cute?

If yes, then yes! I believe that you believe people hate you because you’re beautiful because you’re the kind of sad person who projects your lookism (yes I made that up) onto others and judges them for it. Because you hate people because they’re good looking. Because you’re a narcissist. Or perhaps you have histrionic personality disorder. You just need to be the prettiest. The fairest of them all. And in your self-obsession you push those thoughts onto others. Because while we all deal with occasional jealousy and competitive lookism at some point in our lives, if folks are still “hating” because you’re cute and you’re over 25 it’s only because you’ve never, ever left high school and you’re a cast member on Basketball Wives.

If no, you’re probably a healthy, well-adjusted person who realizes that only a maladjusted person would be so petty to judge people solely by their looks post the age of 25 and not take into account all the other things about us that make us interesting. Besides, you’re good looking and secure in being good looking. You stopped caring what anyone thought a long time ago. You win in life. Jealous people are just sad folks who haven’t grown up. But you’ve transcended. Bully for you.

7) They’re disgusted, eh? Did you forget to wear pants to the coffee shop again?

If yes, go home and put on some damn pants, girl. You’re way too goofy for anyone to hate.

If no, tell me this …

8) Do you still think you look awesome even though they’re giving you the stink eye, refusing to consider that something just may be off about you?

If yes, people probably hate you for how you look. But it might not be jealousy. Perhaps something about how you present yourself reminds them of their own personal fears and horrors. Just because you’ve transcended to a point where you feel no shame about wearing four inch heels and a Bodycon dress to Starbucks like it’s the “clerb” doesn’t mean we’ve all advanced to your level of not giving a crap. Pity us, those who still care about social norms and mores, not hate. Sure we may shout “PUT ON SOME PANTS” when you walk down the street, but screw us. What do we know about your life?

If no, you’re normal. No one hates you. Stop being so darn paranoid.

Also, constantly complaining about other lady people “hating” you for being beautiful sounds like something a jerk would say. Because it’s good to be pretty if you are pretty, and most attractive people know how horrible that sounds to complain about something so hard to obtain and keep. Because if you truly are beautiful, inside and out, the good outweighs the occasional weirdness from someone who never graduated from the 9th grade every time.

What do you care what a few petty, sad people think? They’re not even worth talking about. You’re beautiful.

Unless you’re beautiful, but a jerk.

Then you should probably be concerned.

And if you’re just regular and a jerk … it’s not us. It’s you.

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    Lol!

    All I know is that this woman is living in dreams of grandeur, or possibly could be that #beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and in this case, she is not beholden to me.

    sigh!

  • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

    Here’s the truth, ladies and gentlemen: If a person is hated, chances are it isn’t because of their beauty, it’s because of their attitude.

  • [email protected]

    This is sooo funny! I joke when I say don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, and I do like the Keri Hilson song Pretty Girl Roc. I’m just a regular awkward girl with confidence in myself. Never thought someone can “hate me” because I’m beautiful. On the other hand, just like I envy women who are the total package, really pretty, personable, and nice figure, I know women can envy me because of my fake me out carribean look. Fake me out because I’m America and I just have long locs.

  • http://fattiesoslim.tumblr.com FattieSoSlim

    HAAAA! This is hilarious! Love the article, and the quiz!

  • http://maliseaqueen.blogspot.com LQG509

    This is a funny article. I was in a sales training for a major chain hotel, and my white co-worker who looked like a young Demi Moore said to me, “do you have the same problem as me?” I asked, “what is that?” since I certainly was unaware what she was referring to, and she replied, “you’re beautiful, do you have people who treat you differently because of the way you look?” I thought for a moment that she meant preferential treatment, not that someone would hate me. She said she has it all of the time.

    The remainder of the week long training, she and I were very close, two tall, slender, aesthetically appealing women; one black and one white. Every where we went, we were asked if we were models, we looked at each other and laughed.

    Nevertheless she said, she always gets dirty looks from women (white), and men were always doing things for her based on her looks. I told her if it did happen to me, I was oblivious to it, but since meeting her, I can say I am more aware of it, and find that there are times (especially in the black community) where sistas will downplay me based on my looks in a condescending manner. “Oh we’ll don’t you look like Diana Ross, but you need some meat on your bone, here eat this…”

    If you got it, you got it. Be happy with it. And if a sista has a little more, celebrate her, don’t hate her.

  • Tonton Michel

    x10

  • nigerian sista

    @Perverted Alchemist, I so agree with you. I have known some pretty women and their personalities suck.

  • The Taker

    Agrees.

  • Dalili

    LOL! the article was hilarious!

  • JaeBee

    This is true but, I feel that a lot of time “attitude” can be misinterpreted because of someone’s looks and other people’s jealousy. I’ve seen many a woman become quite catty toward other women, who are attractive, who are automatically perceived to be “stuck up” because of their looks. Usually these women don’t have any evidence for why the other (more attractive) woman is so stuck up other than their own insecurity about their own looks.

  • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

    But by the same token, moderately attractive women don’t exactly have well developed personalities either…

  • mamareese

    That is not true. I was an UGLY duckling starting out so all I had was my personality. As I grew older….not a boastful person but I do hear that I’m a beautiful exotic looking black woman, often. Before you all shoot me down I also have a faint childhood scar from my ear to lower cheek, but I always hear that it is sexy. Not prefect but ok….I never let any of that mess jade me because I recall the days of when I had nothing but me inside. So the remarks that pretty people have bad attitudes and all is not true. Plus I have far from cute friends that at like stank dimes at times. Anyway, all this comes with maturity, most of the chicks I find trying to mean mug me or stare me down are sillhy acting anyway. They feel that you ruin their odds to catch a man at that moment. But all men have a flavor for all types of women. If you look better than me….get it girl.

  • jordyn

    this is a joke right -____-

  • Linneax23

    They may not hate you because you are beautiful, but they may hate you because you are more attractive than them. And this is very subjective but women and some men are easily threatened, depending on how insecure they are, by people who outrank them in attractiveness even slightly. We people are petty.

    The person who wrote that article may not be that pretty objectively but she may be prettier than her friends in the slightest. That’s enough to make women get catty depending on how insecure they are.

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