There are some people who really have problem saying no. Whether it be that they are more concerned with hurting someone else’s feelings than standing their ground or that they have never been much of an assertive person, saying no is not always the easiest thing to do.
Author of “The Power of a Positive No,” William Ury, Ph.D., offers these tips for those of you who have a hard time telling others no:
Find Your Yes Deliver Your No with Grace and Resolve
Before you can even think about getting good at saying no, get clear on what to say yes to in life. If your yes is more time with your family, that will mean turning down obligations that keep you away from home. If it’s yes to better health, you’ll need to say no to late nights at work that keep you from the gym. The firmer your foundation and connection to your yes, says Ury, the less difficult it will be to say no. After all, you’ll be answering to a higher cause.
Buy Some Time
Whenever possible, don’t respond to a request on the spot. This keeps you from saying yes under pressure (“Um … sure, I’ll host the baby shower”) or reacting emotionally to the request, especially when you’re feeling stressed out.
The moment of truth can be the most difficult of all, particularly when you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. Ury suggests a “yes-no-yes” approach: First, share what you’re currently saying yes to (“My mother and I always go out for breakfast on Saturday mornings”). Then say no (“So I won’t be able to help you set up for the brunch you’re hosting”).
Deliver Your No with Grace and Resolve
But don’t stop there. After you’ve turned someone down, affirm your good intentions by closing with another yes — this time, to a mutually positive outcome (“But I’d be happy to help clean up after it’s over”). In so doing, you relieve some of the frustration wrought by closing a door, while sending the message that you respect the other person’s needs.
Have a Plan B
Even if the other person gets emotional or reactive after you’ve delivered your no, don’t yield under pressure — as difficult as this may seem. Instead, take a deep breath and listen attentively to his or her objections. Then, gently but firmly, underscore your no — and keep it simple and clean; no backpedaling or scrambling for defense.
Cut Yourself Some Slack
Even with practice, some will always find saying no a challenge. For the dyed-in-the-wool people pleaser, there may be a twinge of guilt — and, for the overly ambitious, regret. Realize that your perennial inclination to offer help is something to be lauded, not criticized.