When It Is Time To Let It All Go?
As I watched the expertly done Bob Marley documentary Marley, I was jarred a few times by the less-than-mellow presence of one of Bob’s daughters, Cedella. She was only thirteen years old when her father died, but her memories of being raised by him were vivid, and her reaction to certain concepts regarding him were palpable. It wasn’t just that she lacked the blissed-out Jamaican accent and gaze that her mother Rita and bother Ziggy displayed during interviews — Cedella seemed bitter.
Don’t get me wrong, this was my impression based on the way the film chose to portray both him and her, but some of the things Cedella Marley described as part of her childhood did not sound fun. Like many children of superstar artists her father wasn’t always there for her, which is always hard. Bob Marley was also quite a character — womanizing, as his son described him, “harsh,” and obstinate about his ways (these aren’t spoilers, I swear), so it’s no surprise that his daughter was affected by all of it. Cedella has gone on to be very successful in the music industry herself and has three children of her own. On paper her life is great and she is likely a great person to be around…so why does she still seem so angry with her father?
I’m not sure what it takes or how to get there without completely unraveling, but recognizing that the way you were raised had an impact on how you view the world today is essential, whether you can find a fix for it or not. And of course, I use the impression that the documentary gave of Cedella Marley as an example of something that is very widespread; it often seems that many people are walking through life still angry at a parent whose behavior impacted them for the worse and then acting that anger out on other people, which makes me cringe when it comes from perfectly self-aware folks in their 30s and 40s. Some even openly use their upbringing as an explanation for bad behavior, but at what point is an explanation just an excuse? They say that time heals all wounds, but when it comes to scars from childhood, when is it no longer acceptable to not have dealt with them?
Yes, they, whoever they are do say that time heals all wounds, but I don’t believe it to be true.
I guess what has to happen is that people have to learn to not have high expectations for their parents. It’s much harder to let go of the hurt a parent caused, then say, a friend/acquaintance, coworker, stranger, or whomever.
It is never anyone’s place to suggest to another person how they should feel or when to let go/get over something.
Our childhood greatly effects who we become as adults. The earlier one is exposed to hurt feelings toward their parents, the harder it will be to let go of, I think.
I think too often, people underestimate how hard it is to change emotionally.
I agree with you 100%. How can someone dictate someone else’s healing process. I know as a 33 year old woman I struggle with issues with my father, and most times I make honest efforts to let go of the past, and move forward but sometimes your past hurts sneeks up on you when you least expect it. It’s a hard process and no one can dictate someone’s healing.
Beana – Too often those who have overcome their adversity think that others should be able to do so too. I am several years younger than you (I’ll be 26 in a little less than three months) and I too struggle with issues, but with both my mother and father. For the most part, I have moved forward as well, but it is difficult. People say to “let the past be the past”, but it isn’t easy when the past affects so much of who you are and the people who hurt you in the past continue to be ignorant of what they have done and hurt you in the present.
We never forget what our parents did and did not do.
I agree with the previous commenter. It is not our place to tell someone who got shafted in the parents category to just get over it especially when in her case she probably never got closure. But I’d like to understand more about how she’s taking this feeling of being short changed by her father out on other people.
I noticed that too during the movie. She did sound bitter as hell.
It is no longer acceptable when you die! One can never understand childhood scars unless it has happened to you. You learn how to cope and move on but those scars are permanent.
Those of us who were hurt by our parents sometimes don’t realize it until we are adults. It’s not as simple as “just get over it.” Time does not heal emotional pain. Though I believe that it is beneficial to let go of hurt, this cannot happen just because some years have passed. We need a spiritual heeling. At least Cedella is being honest and admitting her father is no saint, and his cheating and neglect hurt her. Now comes the healing.
There is no cookie-cutter recipe for healing emotional pain. I agree that people shouldn’t use their childhood trauma as an excuse for bad behavior, but what evidence is there that Cedella has done that? Expressing hurt regarding childhood trauma is not hurting anyone else. In fact, it’s therapeutic for the soul. It’s easy to judge people about something that hasn’t happened to us.
I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with this post.
Very well said. I watched a documentary about Nelson Mandela and some of his children expressed similar feelings of the hurt, pain and neglect they suffered. The late Steve Jobs was also said to have expressed regret that he was not always there for his children. Circumstances also matter, for instance I imagine a philandering person might elicit less empathy/sympathy than someone who was fighting an oppressive regime. Talking about it can be therapeutic and can help the person move forward.