Black Woman: It’s All Your Fault (But Not That You Care)

by Danielle C. Belton

A while back I was having a conversation with a black man old enough to be my father. Up to a point, it was a very good conversation. We were talking about the state of the black family.

While I’m super open-minded to all the different ways anyone can have a family, there is a part of me that is Cosby Show, Huxtable-style old school, desiring to see more black families like the one I and my sisters, cousins, classmates grew up in – two parents, married, either both working or a father working and a stay-at-home mom. Old dreams die hard. No amount of Liberalism is ever going to make me let go of it, although I can understand why some would choose differently.

So this guy was appealing to my inner Huxtable, going on a rant about how he felt too many young black men were “selfish” and uninterested in settling down. I don’t like to hear anyone talk about anyone as a monolith, but I was curious to hear the rest of his perspective on this and asked him to continue. I asked him what he thought caused so many of the young men he encountered to be so disinterested in building up their families and communities and he said:

“It’s their mothers fault. You black women spoiled them and now they’re no good.”

*Record scratch* What?

Now, I understood his point. It’s not a new idea, the myth that black mothers raise their daughters but love their sons. It’s about as old as a Jet Magazine from 1975 on the exact same topic. But there’s a problem here. There’s a problem in all this fixation on what black women are doing – whether we are suddenly fatsuddenly unmarriedsuddenly unattractivesuddenly victims or suddenly stubborn, angry and stupid – the fixation is on us. And it’s madly dysfunctional to attack the person who actually shows up to the party, takes it serious, picks out an outfit, and does their best to have a good time.

It’s easy to demand introspection, retrospection, comments and corrections out of someone who shows up. Meaning, of course you can have a lengthy discussion on whether or not black women do their sons a disservice in how they raise them. The elephant in the conversation is what did the father do? Oh wait, the assumption is he wasn’t there, right? Hence let’s all criticize only person who did show up to raise the child.

Dammit, woman! Can’t you do anything right?

This reminds me of a common family schism of the unmarried eldest child of whom all the siblings, parents, and relatives assume has nothing better to do but attend to the needs of the family. After all, they are unmarried and never moved away from home. Obviously, you stayed behind to look at all of us, they think, so let us heap upon you our expectations and scorn. Those who leave avoid the judgmental eye of our aging parents. But the child who stays to help out is forever derided and belittled no matter the worth of their works.

Yet, the family would fall apart if this child ever put their foot on and declared they had their own life, interests, ambitions and dreams that did not involve filling out their divorced mother’s weekly unemployment check questionnaire since mom is disinterested in learning how to use a computer.

Black women get attacked because we’re there. We’re visible. We aren’t going anywhere. And we are willing to entertain our faults. We are willing to discuss. We are invested in our families and communities and each other, so we show up, whether we want to be there or not, out of communal pride and obligation. We’ll raise our kids. We’ll raise OTHER people’s kids. We’ll put everyone through college and let grandpa set up his hospital bed in the living room. We’ll support you when you’re a community organizer. We’ll support you when you’re President of the United States. We’ll have your children, raise them, then get into a lengthy debate about whether or not we’re fat because we’re A) trying to keep the President of the United States interested in our sexy or B) because we don’t want to sweat out our perms.

We’ll have the conversation because we care. We read. We organize. We show up. Even if we hate the conversation. Even if we’re sick of it. Black women are ride-or-die for whatever the hell this is. Their family. Their career. Their sorority. Their neighborhood. Their church. If you go missing, you better hope some black women come looking for you, call Al Sharpton and organize a search, otherwise you’re just S-O-L. Everyone hates a black woman until they need one. That’s just how it goes. Come rescue me so as you’re saving my life I can complain about the quality of this rescue. Did you HAVE to come get me with that do-rag on your head? I know you just wear it so when you go to work your hair will look “nice,” but still, that’s really taking me out of the moment as you save my life. I can’t concentrate on the life saving while worrying about you securing moisture on your hair through a synthetic scarf.

But please wear that scarf. If your hair looks bad, that will take me out of it too. Just be perfect. Why can’t you do that, black woman? Damn.

In the 1965 play, “A Day of Absence,” all the black people in a town disappear, causing a panic. While these people were invisible to the majority white populace, they controlled so much of their lives that once gone, it was a terrifying prospect they couldn’t overcome. Black women, while seemingly invisible if you’re a TV executive creating a non-reality show based program, are highly visible in many other aspects of our lives – largely because they are so present. Yet the disregard, the conceit, the disrespect is still there. It’s so easy to criticize someone guaranteed to give you page views and hits, who will write books and buy books, act in films and then turn around and support them with their dollars, it’s easy to jump on the person who shows up.  Because they’re real and they’re invested. They’re a wide swath of earth from whom mass media can greedily mine, because we will never stop writing, creating, consuming, and being invested. We will always want to know more about ourselves and each other. We will always criticize and question, damn and defend. Because we are present.

It would be a dull narrative for the media (and others) to talk about the reality of most black women, who love their friends and family members, who take good care of their kids, who have good jobs and live decent and law-abiding lives. How interesting is my story or my grandmothers’ story or your mothers’ story in a world that gets high of the schadenfreude of black woman misery – mainlining some “Precious” after snorting up some “Color Purple” then drowning us all in that “oh-its-so-sad” pity when most of our lives are full of joy in the  face of all this navel-gazing stupidity.

Unfortunately, you wouldn’t get that from the many, many stories. They just focus on what’s wrong with us. But the only reason why these stories are so popular, the only reason why they move newspapers and theater tickets is because of something quite positive about black women, something that is what’s truly at the core of their questions and wonder –

There are so many things wrong with you, black woman, they say. Why don’t you just give up?

And somewhere some black woman indifferently shrugs and just shuffles on. Got no time to entertain such silly questions. Too much work to do.

  • http://noirule.blogspot.com noirule

    I love this article. That is all. Kudos. <3

  • Yb

    Wonderful article. This has motivated and inspired me, after feeling so knocked down by the constant being thrown at us.

    Thank you.

  • Yb

    *constant hate

  • Fatima

    “There are so many things wrong with you, black woman, they say. Why don’t you just give up? And somewhere some black woman indifferently shrugs and just shuffles on. Got no time to entertain such silly questions. Too much work to do.”

    Yes!!!! So true!!

  • Tameko P

    This article is the truth! “Everyone hates a black woman until they need one.” That is deep.

  • Shannon C. Smith

    “Everyone hates a black woman until they need one”

    POW #straightlikethat! LOVED THIS ARTICLE!

  • OSHH

    Brilliant piece.

  • minna k.

    This is a great article.

    “There are so many things wrong with you, black woman, they say. Why don’t you just give up?”

    There is NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. :)

    I am a human being just like anyone else and will give myself the clearance to evolve in my strengths, explore, make mistakes, feel my anger and frustration etc. I think that all black women deserve the right to be happy.

    But sometimes you have to TAKE that right.

  • I got sense!

    +1

  • Jess

    Well done.

  • C

    Danielle

    You are a great writer.

    I always love reading your articles.

    I love you- LOL (seriously).

  • Natalie B.

    You must have been listening to my phone converstation last night! Wonderful piece, and I agree with you Laugh, we need to stop showing up.

  • QuestKnowledge

    I deactivated my Facebook account just recently and I reactivated it just to post this quote from the article. It was just soooo good I had to share it, cause I know black women are BEYOND resilient.

    “There are so many things wrong with you, black woman, they say. Why don’t you just give up?

    And somewhere some black woman indifferently shrugs and just shuffles on. Got no time to entertain such silly questions. Too much work to do.”

    I LOVED THIS ARTICLE and even more I LOVE THIS WEBSITE. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Sistah keep doing your thang!!!!!!!!

  • Nicole

    Wonderfully written article!! It is the truth whether we want to here it or not!

  • http://cupofjo-jo.blogspot.com bk chick

    Yes! This article preached!..especially this:

    “Come rescue me so as you’re saving my life I can complain about the quality of this rescue. Did you HAVE to come get me with that do-rag on your head?”

    I say we go on a black women strike and see how much mayhem ensues…that’ll be interesting

  • MIkela123

    This is the type of writing that Essence and Essence.com should be publishing.

  • I got sense!

    Yes, this 100% but they wouldn’t dare. Too afraid it may offend, too afraid that “you know who” won’t approve of the message behind it.

  • Nestafan2

    You never disappoint (I was looking for this on the “Snob” page). I especially love, “…we are willing to entertain our faults.” Nailed it. I also like, “Everybody hates a black woman until they need one.” I agree with another poster’s comment, this is what Essence should be publishing.

  • entro

    Beautifully written
    and so true. You’ve told my life story

  • http://www.vanityrich.com vanityrich

    I LOVE it! Thank you!

  • ~ Bravo!

    I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE this article!!! You have taken your words and explained what I believe is to be true. This is the article that should generate much discussion. Will it? NO! It will not because it is the truth. The desire on the continuance of creating wealth is the great concern, not the black woman. Before I proceed, I must “Thank You” for stepping out of the boundaries of society to write such an article to inspire and uplift black women.

    Quite frankly, I could care less how many articles are written, how many celebrities, how many studies are conducted to ostracize, coined us as the feeblest, and consider as the end-alls. My history has taught me the truth. Anytime a woman (A WOMAN) can slave with a baby on her back from sunup to sundown, get slapped by an overseer, then raped or beat by her master, scorned by his wife because he wanted us (still the same way), breast feed their children, then her (his) children (perhaps), take care of her household, go cook in their kitchen, and then serve her husband/family. While the entire time, she still manages to smile, pray, and have faith. It is NO article that any publication could write or ANY comment a celebrity could make that will discourage me from knowing who I am. I am strong, beautiful, smart, and capable of doing what YOU (society) say I can’t do. I have already done it. If they did it then surely I can do it now. I say and say it again. Majority of these articles/books are written for a profit. Some of them may house some truth, but don’t allow those negative comments to sink in your spirit. If the mighty dollar is involved, they will continue with insults and derogatory statements to throw us off course. If they succeed, guess what? That is the end of black civilization. The Black woman is the pillar and backbone of our community.

    I say this to embed strength and inspire the Black Woman. We shouldn’t ever stop speaking up for ourselves. At the end of the day, regardless of what is said about us, we must continue to not give up. “Black women are ride-or-die for whatever the hell this is” and because of this reason we have to EMBRACE ourselves and learn how to say “NO” to take care of ourselves. We can be there for our children and our families. Due to this strength and pride we have, we are expected to be there. On the flipside, this is how we neglect ourselves. Speaking from personal experiences, I too was one of those black women that had taken my family, friends, and my career first. Anytime I thought I was needed, I would help. When you take anything before yourself, you are the one and ONLY one that suffers. Once you finally take the time to look at yourself; you’re overweight, blood pressure is up, and irritability occurs. We will take the family first. I’m not saying this is the only reasons why. I do believe it is the majority of the reasons why some black women are overweight and unhealthy. We will sacrifice and say I’ll cook dinner instead of going to the gym. We will sacrifice on the budget and neglect paying for gym fees. (Hair does play a big part, but I’m pointing out the fact that is not the only reason why women don’t exercise.) In addition, we have problems saying “NO” out of being kind-hearted when we can take that time to edify ourselves. Since we don’t say “NO” and especially to our beloved sons. I do agree with the older gentlemen. We do have a hand in making them “no good” or “not doing better” by spoiling them.

    I spoiled by son rotten and now I realize I shouldn’t have taken my father’s advice. He is very accustomed to receiving and not having to work for it. Not only could I have done better in this area. His father wasn’t much of an assistance either. The Father could have done better by teaching him more than athleticism. As the article states “we show up”, so as the black woman (mother) I will show up because I still desire my son to become a “conduit member of society” not another “expected” statistic. This is why I have realized; no matter what, as black women we have to stay strong. We never know what we will face. Our black men must step up, but meanwhile we cannot even allow their shortcomings or society tactics on us to sway us.

    If you are unmarried, overweight, underweight, dark, light, uneducated, single mom with four kids, married with a dead beat husband, it doesn’t matter what your circumstance is. We are here and we’re not going anywhere. We have to RISE UP to make the necessary changes within. No one has ever done for us throughout the history of America what we have done for ourselves and it is obvious they aren’t now. The fixation is on us and will remain as such. Find it no surprise and continue to rise. If we break, it is over. You are all YOU have.

  • iQgraphics

    Firstly, until the link posted by the author, I never heard the “myth”, ‘Black women raise their daughters and love their sons’ … I had to go read that
    both this and that post are very good

    I do examine the black woman being the scapegoat for everything… and it’s true. In this day and age we are required to do EVERYTHING, so by default, when something is a miss, people look at us.

    I understand fully. And to that, my sentiments fall in line with the authors.
    Got no time to entertain such silly accusations. I’ve got too much work to do.

  • imadime

    danielle, you’re a very good writer & i agree with your perspective here. i’ve stopped entertaining “the conversations” because i’ve got too much to accomplish!

  • sandy

    Yes it’s all our fault for everything…don’t forget to tell other black women this too: it’s their fault for putting down each other. Darn why does it all come back to us?
    I agree.

  • Tara

    You did the damn thing in this article, Danielle, and just in times for Mother’s Day too! Thank you for writing this. As a busy new mother, wife, teacher, and business owner, I feel so stressed out, under-appreciated with the weight of the WORLD on my shoulders. I know that feeling of having to be the one to figure out EVERYTHING for EVERY- damn – BODY. And if things don’t go right its because I am inadequate.

    Today I am having one of those days where I’m about to tell everyone “where to go,” but your article has made me think twice. I’ll suck it up and keep moving because that’s what we do. Its what we HAVE to do.

    Damn,…God works in mysterious ways. :) Or for me at least he does.

  • Lisa

    Danielle is the best writer on this site, hands down.

  • Cosmo

    Instead of looking at it as ‘fault’ maybe you can turn the perspective…Women do ‘birth’ the conditions on the planet. We *are* the first teacher. We are the portal through which every human being comes to the planet. What we do impacts the world….

    I don’t agree that we are at fault, but I do think as women we have to take responsibility, even it if it just deciding that what we ‘produce’ being it from our bodies or from our thoughts, has to be more conscious.

    It empowers me to think of taking responsibility for what I create. To decided here and now, that I create the grandest vision of my life, and not worry about who is or isn’t doing their part.

  • Tra

    LOL!! Tara I feel you! Yes, this article was right on point cause these folks are working my nerves on the job and the family has a list of things for me to do & the man has a whole other list!! Oh well, for centuries we’ve been the ones who smile and keep it moving – so even though I feel like cussing some folks out, letting some folks go hungry and catch the bus – I’ll suck it up, continue to be pleasant, keep smiling & keep moving and go fishing the first chance I get!!

  • binks

    Agreed! And wonderful article!

  • Kacey

    Bravo, Danielle, Bravo!!! So well said. I always look forward to your work. Keep it up!!

  • au napptural

    Woot woot! Run tell that haters!

  • http://codeemphasis.blobspot.com Clarity Jane

    So well put. Well done to the writer…I’d like to read more from you.

  • Syd

    You can read more from her, over at “theblacksnob.com”. Read the piece that she wrote about Trayvon Martin. I had to frame that piece…she’s that good!!! I heart you and your wonderful writing Danielle Belton…thank you!

  • Elena

    This article is on point!! Love it!

  • Bridget

    Couldn’t have said it better! Thank you!

  • Cheya

    Thank you!! This was a Great read!! Well written, clear, true & real prospective! Thank you for sharing our thoughts out loud!!! Brilliant!!!

  • LemonnLime

    Beautiful and inspiring! Just what I expect and want to read on a site for black women!

  • http:www.chicnoirhouse.blogspot.com Chic Noir

    Well said Danielle C. Belton.

  • Questknowledge

    You made me CRY!!!! lol. I thank the Most High for women like you :)

  • http://blacksnob.com Danielle Belton

    Thank you everyone for responding to the piece. It came from the heart (and out of several conversations over the years with friends). I’m glad it resonated with so many of you. It’s easy to ask those who take responsibility to be responsible. It’s easy to judge the actions of the one person who chooses to act. Instead of sitting on the sidelines snickering, it would be so much better if the critics of black women took a lesson from us and got in the game.

    If you can do it better, by all means, get in there and throw some elbows. No one will stop you. ;)

    Thanks again!

    Danielle

  • http://blacksnob.com Danielle Belton

    Thanks, Clarity. You can find me here: http://blacksnob.com

    And thanks for the ups, Syd! I’m so glad to have you as a reader. ;)

  • http://www.innyvinny.com Alicia

    Fantastic piece, sis. I tuned out all of this “black woman” this and that LONG ago for these very reasons. Loved reading every bit of this.

  • Kacey

    I’m looking forward to reading your book when its done.

  • The Comment

    Damnit Woman!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! This article had me rollin’.

  • Dd

    This is so on point! Great job!

  • RC

    i like the piece, but this is what i don’t get….
    you were cool with ole’ boy speaking his mind about what’s wrong with black males….
    but when he starts talking about black women you got a issue ?
    and another things, stop with the “at least i was there” single-mama line. YOU HAVE TO PUT IN WORK TO RAISE HEALTHY,PRODUCTIVE CHILDREN….. that’s like me groaning about not getting an A in a class when i didn’t put forth my best effort, but saying “at least i showed up….”

    good day ma’m.

  • http://blacksnob.com Danielle Belton

    @ RC:

    Early on in the piece (third graph) I make the point about my disdain for people who speak of things in a monolithic manner people, but I let him go on as I wanted to see where this was going. So he basically traded monolithic views on men for continued monolithic views on women. He, like a lot of people, falls into the false logic of a “good” and “bad” gender, so while he was convinced women were the “good” gender, he also labeled them as the solely “responsible” gender. So it isn’t about settling for less, it’s more about my life-long critique of how black men are marginalized in these conversations, as if they’re all just accidents we run into and women are the only people who can create solutions. Adding to the oddness of it, this man though he was a good father, yet he just assumed as many others do that black men are some non-factor in child raising. Perhaps my dad was a unicorn in his mind. Maybe he thought HE himself was a unicorn.

    But that’s a whole other post. I was focusing on those who focus primarily on what women are doing to the exclusion of men, society as a whole, our economics, etc.

  • http://kimberlyluxe.com Kimberly

    WOW!

    You are a phenomenal writer. I agreed with every point and have NOTHING to say. LOL.

    This post will be shared with all of my friends!

    -bookmarked-

    Great read,

    Kimberly

  • LuvIt289

    100% Agree

  • MarloweOverShakespeare

    This post is one of the best! Keep up the awesome writing.

    “I know you jusy wear it so when you go to work your hair will look “nice,” but still, that’s really taking me out of the moment as you save my life.”

    L. O. Freaking L.!!!!!!!

    I really wish somebody would undercut my efforts with this, so I can leave their life in my good God’s hands. Show them who’s really in control and in the business of saving!

  • Unknown

    I just bookmarked this! You just sum up all my feelings on this topic with this piece. I like all the analogies and some of them truly hit home. Great job!

  • Alexandra

    Exactly. I hear that one!
    Best thing I read on here in a while.

  • Huggums

    A lot of women who write about this subject make a lot of hay about the fact that black women are there. They “show up” as you put it. Here’s the deal about single mothers. Two adults had sex knowing there is a risk of pregnancy. After all, that’s what sex is for – procreation. If the man leaves, he’s a deadbeat. I’d never be friends with or have anything to do with a man who didn’t take care of his kids. People like that absolutely disgust me. I think we all agree on that, but the mother is just as (ir)responsible. The woman chose to have sex with an irresponsible, noncommittal man or didn’t bother finding out if he was. She chose not to look for commitment (specifically in the form of marriage) in the men she was with. She was with a guy who made her feel tingly down there in part because of his DGAF attitude. Then, shockingly, after she gets pregnant, she finds he DGAF about her and the baby. If she was married and got divorced, she was most likely the one who initiated it (I acknowledge that there may be a good reason [i.e. abuse, adultery, etc.]) She chose not to use all of the birth control methods available to her (BC pills, morning after pill, condoms, abortion). Knowing all this, I keep reading articles like this one. “Black Women: It’s All Your Fault.” “We aren’t going anywhere. And we are willing to entertain our faults. We are willing to discuss.” For the most part, I see women, particularly single mothers, willing to act like put-upon, longsuffering victims of forces entirely outside of their control. The reality is most women have a surfeit of men available to them during their youth and many of them choose to spend it chasing the wrong type of men. Then, some of those women get pregnant by these men and wonder why they don’t suddenly turn into Mr. Mom.

    Also, there are just as many articles out there talking about black men and other specific demographics in the same way. Why are so many in jail? Why are so many abandoning their families? Why are they lagging so far behind in school? Why are more in jail than in college? etc. etc. ad nauseum, so please stop playing the victim.

  • Teresa

    This is an outstanding article

  • http://drgoddess.com Dr. Goddess

    Thanks so much for this, Danielle. You’ve captured so much here and as someone who has recently been having to stand my ground (no pun intended) on managing other peoples’ expectations, “The Day of Absence” has grown in tremendous importance for me and if we all wanted to do this, at least temporarily, I’d be in support. Nevertheless, thank you for sharing what’s so easily overlooked and underrepresented! xoxo

  • Really

    You are still saying yes to a fail community. I have no problems with you raising your son but encouraging BW to say Yes when need, will not change the communty.

  • http://www.TheImageofBlackWomen.com Brittany McBryde

    YES!!!! I LOVED it!….. And I came prepared to do both damning and defending lol I am the creator of the documentary “The Image of Black Women” a documentary aimed at debunking popular myths, and stereotypes perpetuated both about and by us; trying to unravel who is the Black Woman?- I feel even as being one, living with many, friending tons, and seeing these creature everyday we are still such a source of puzzlement. One thing this article hit on the head is that we show up…. we keep showing up, even in my film we discussed that we *Always* show up, even if it hurts us. Despite increase in statistics of higher education, employment rates, starting salaries, and RAPE statistics Black Women show up, stand and delivery… with a smile! Great read!

    Danielle, look for my email. I’m about to send you a FREE DVD ma’am. Thank you for taking some time to clear the aid about the damned if we do, but we must dilemma is brightened my Friday!
    Brittany McBryde

  • Doingitdifferently

    I just want to let you know that I am “raising” my son as well as loving him. I expect everything of him that I expect of my daughter and everything of my daughter that I expect of my son.

    My son witnesses daily, in my very transitional neighborhood, what happens to boys who refuse to become men. The sky is the limit for my children. On the journey, they will learn from me the value of self discipline, work, responsibility and community. They will learn that love is a verb not an adjective.

    Yes, I am a powerful woman raising powerful children.

  • Elle

    This is phenomenal! Studying Womanism and the crux is right here in this article. Absolutely love it and thank you for it! Several quotes will be on my mind for weeks to come! Appreciate you, Sis!

  • Keep it Real

    Thank You! I said the same thing almost word for word but my comment was deleted. This is a self inflicted tragedy. Black men didn’t always abandon his family. It’s clear documented facts that this didn’t start until the 1960′s when black women WITHOUT a man in the home started receiving money for every kid she had. Illegitimate black kids are now 72% of all black births. Who is then going to teach a boy how to become a man?

  • Ms. Pillowz

    Oh yes! The Trayvon Martin article. It was so good that it had my stomach in knots! I am truly a fan of The Snob!

  • Reginna

    I absolutely love this. As a 26 year old Black Woman I’m learning myself daily and praying even harder trying not to succumb to the stupidity I face from people who don’t know a thing about despite what they see on the outside family & friends. However, reading this and while doing so I’ve been assured God works in mysterious ways Tupac keep your head up came on then right after Maxwell don’t ever have to wonder right after. It’s a struggle daily and I’m comfortable with that because of articles like this, music as described, and most importantly because of the Man Above. I find it that some people will try their best to make it hard for you simply cause your a woman and even harder cause your a black woman. But I’m just fine & I love the skin I’m in are you?

  • Dee-InMiami

    Thank you.

  • Chox

    Excellent. The best I’ve read on this website.

  • Regina

    Love this article & the interesting thing about the comments immediately some still forget the purpose/point of the article – and completely refuse to acknowledge the facts & somehow manage to confirm every word the author wrote-Lol!

  • Tasha

    I don’t necessarily see it that way… I interpret as the older man may have been saying as a whole, like from the beginning, we as black women spoil our male children which started a cycle and now those that are fathers, who have already been spoiled to the point that they don’t really know how to be a man and raise their own boys. So daddy can be there but did his mom “cripple” him and so on and so forth.

  • Dalili

    Thank you Danielle!

    “There are so many things wrong with you, black woman, they say. Why don’t you just give up? And somewhere some black woman indifferently shrugs and just shuffles on. Got no time to entertain such silly questions. Too much work to do.” Fantastic summation! Love it!

  • blackandproud

    Great article! That comment everybody hates a black woman until they need one is true. The comments that Huggums made are completely true. All of these black women creating these black boys without fathers have raised a generation of boys who did not grow up seeing their mother loved by a man. That is sooooo important! That is why you have a generation of black men who are indifferent to black women generally. They love their mother, sister, neices and less often daughters and these are the only black women that they care about. They dont care about black womanhood. Other races of men care about the women of their race and look out for them. White men hell they gave the world to white women practically now white women are using it against them. Asian men and Indian men everybody knows how they feel about their women. But black women created this generation of men. On the flip side, black women love their sons soooo much because it is the first black man to love them unconditionally. Many did not grow up with dads. Then the father of the son did not stick around and that is why black women love their sons like that. It is their first true love.

  • ELLIE

    @Huggums: You do the math on this one…more than 70% of black households are headed by WOMEN. This means that only 30% of black men are actually worth dating. Dating is TRIAL AND ERROR so a woman who’s out there dating only has a 30% chance at getting it right, and “making good choices in men.”

  • Jennifer

    You perfectly summed up all the thoughts in my head. I LOVE THIS!!

  • http://sisterescape.blogspot.com/ Le Chele

    I agree that black women are now at the center of the petri dish but I do appreciate the newfound interest (shallow as it is) on black womens’ issues considering they were previously shadowed by our black male or white female counterparts.

    http://sisterescape.blogspot.com/2011/08/no-woman-left-behind.html

  • Smokie

    You’re completely missing the point. But, I guess that’s the goal, huh? Yes, the black woman takes blame for her poor decisions, but the point of the matter is that SHE TAKES BLAME AND STAYS THERE TO SEE THE FALL OUT OF HER POOR DECISION.

    I don’t think this author is playing the victim role; this author is playing the visible role. She’s playing the real and tangible role of the black woman’s humanity and accountability – flaws and all. I can’t explain it better than she did.

    Something tells me you completely understand the author’s well stated point, but someone has to play Devil’s Advocate…right?

  • http://www.moniselseward.com Monise Seward

    SHAT! I am just beyond impressed and overjoyed….you said it, and quite well. Thank you, thank you Black woman!

  • Krystal

    I am IMPRESSED! YOU BETTA PREACH! This article truly spoke VOLUMES. Loved it!

  • NoitAll

    @blackandproud Sorry, I think you’re being incredibly simplistic with your point. All other men love their women? NO, THEY DON’T. Rapes in the Congo, bride burning in India, gender specific abortion in China, FGM in Muslim countries, white males’ fight to limit contraception here in the U.S. Do these things sound like love? If they do, I’m afraid for all of us.

  • O.L.W.

    Amazing. Awesome. Dead On… Kudos to you Danielle!!

  • http://whoisgordonblu.blogspot.com/ GordonBlu

    “It’s easy to demand introspection, retrospection, comments and corrections out of someone who shows up. Meaning, of course you can have a lengthy discussion on whether or not black women do their sons a disservice in how they raise them. The elephant in the conversation is what did the father do? Oh wait, the assumption is he wasn’t there, right? Hence let’s all criticize only person who did show up to raise the child.” Are you saying Black mothers deserve a Trophy or “Pat on the Back” for doing what they supposed to do? (raise a child you gave birth to?!) When you get pregnant & decide to have a child, you a) abort it, b) give it up for adoption, or c)raise the child to the best of your ability. Some women have children by men that they KNOW aren’t going to stick around. Some women get pregnant for very selfish reason we won’t even get into here……. “And we are willing to entertain our faults. …” I don’t meet many black women who will even acknowledge being wrong about anything in general let alone admit to faults about themselves. I say this as a Black man who grew up in a family dominated by women, & though I love my mom & aunts & all of my beautiful cousins I’ve seen 1st hand the deep down issues they carry & hold onto. The sad part about most of this is that even though these “Issues” aren’t simple, the answers are……

  • Huggums

    “You’re completely missing the point. But, I guess that’s the goal, huh?” – Don’t understand what this means. I understand her point and disagree.

    “Yes, the black woman takes blame for her poor decisions, but the point of the matter is that SHE TAKES BLAME AND STAYS THERE TO SEE THE FALL OUT OF HER POOR DECISION.” – Not really. Of course I don’t know every single mother out there, so no doubt many take full responsibility for their decisions, but that’s not the case in the media or in this article. We’re either being told outright to praise single mothers as heroines and victims of circumstance or we’re told never to criticize them because [insert reason here] or they’re there. No one is picking especially on single mother’s. They get more praise than anything even though they made a terrible decision that now puts their child about 100 meters behind the starting line. The single mom’s deserve as much criticism as the deadbeat. Talking about how unfair it is is childish. Like I said, women have birth control pills, the morning after pill, and abortion. Way more options than men.

    “I don’t think this author is playing the victim role; this author is playing the visible role. She’s playing the real and tangible role of the black woman’s humanity and accountability – flaws and all. I can’t explain it better than she did.” – Again, black women (women in general really) are NOT held accountable. We’re told that single mom’s get tricked into screwing around bad, irresponsible, shiftless, jobless, but oh-so-charming men. She couldn’t help herself. Then, when the criticism starts coming down we get stuff like this.

    I’ll say this. The older man’s criticism doesn’t even take the father into account. The author is certainly right about him. Like the moron with 30 kids and 11 baby mama’s, tweedledum, tweedledummer, tweedledummerer, etc., every adult in the situation deserves criticism.

  • Huggums

    “@Huggums: You do the math on this one…more than 70% of black households are headed by WOMEN. This means that only 30% of black men are actually worth dating. Dating is TRIAL AND ERROR so a woman who’s out there dating only has a 30% chance at getting it right, and ‘making good choices in men.’”

    There is quite a bit wrong with this statement, but first let me say that this is exactly what I’m talking about. A woman chooses to have unprotected sex with loser men of their own volition. This is not about picking a random ball out of a box, red for good, blue for bad. You are not required to pick a man at random. Even if you did pick men like that, you don’t have to have sex with them. Can’t help yourself? Cool. We got what you need. Birth control pills, condoms, the morning after pill, natural family planning, and abortion. Even if you’re against abortion, all of the methods mentioned make it virtually impossible to get pregnant if you don’t want to. It’s possible that they may all fail, but highly unlikely. A single mom either had sex with a loser and knew it, or she didn’t know because she didn’t bother trying to find out, which she would’ve done if she was actually looking for a good man instead of following her vagina. Also, there’s no requirement for you to only date black men. Most people would like to marry someone inside their race. I know I want a dark, chocolatey sister, but I might find a good woman who’s white or asian or hispanic. Who knows?

    Now, on to the statistical errors. First, some of those women were married and got divorced. They may or may not have had a good reason for it, but they most likely initiated it. Also, black men who aren’t living with their spouses are more likely to be involved in their child’s life than men of other races in the same situation. I don’t know how much that accounts for though (not enough to drop it below 50% I think). There are also a lot of spiteful, evil women who won’t allow her children to see their father. There’s also the fact that a lot of these women are basically apart of soft harems. The same dude is going around impregnating lots of apparently very stupid women. At the extreme end, we have wonderful men like Desmond Hatchett repeatedly impregnating the same 11 women. Women who KNOW about each other and still have sex with this guy. Unprotected sex. Or Marissa Alexander – with an abusive man with 5 other women who he openly admitted to beating except one who I guess was his favorite.

    Now, nothing in that paragraph is meant to excuse bad men, it’s just to say you’re leaving a considerable amount of relevant information out of your calculus. There are more decent black men than that. That being said, it really wouldn’t matter how few there were. Every one of the women I just mentioned chose to be with bad men. They then chose to have unprotected sex with these bad men several times. This means that every single one of these women is choosing to bring new lives into the closest thing to hell on earth. A hell which they will spend at least a considerable amount of their adult lives trying to escape. Many will fail in the attempt and end up dead, in jail, and doing the same thing to their children. The large-scale, long term havoc wreaked on their children by people like Desmond Hatchett and his cretinous concubines has huge effects on society, and we’re all supposed to feel sorry for the women? C’mon, son.

  • Huggums

    I don’t agree with this. Everything can’t be blamed on what happened to you when you were a child. I don’t know what’s going in the minds of men who were abandoned as children and do it to their own as adults, but to me it indicates a tremendous lack of empathy. At some point, you have to take personal responsibility for your life and your decisions.
    That being said, it’s weird how people replicate things they grew up with. You’d never think someone who was abused would ever want to do that to their own children, but they often do. It makes sense why if you understand, so I’d like to see what goes on in men’s heads when they do that.

  • http://facebook Omar Turner

    And the Saga continues…..

  • http://facebook Omar Turner

    So the Saga continues…………..

  • http://gravatar.com/herlilblackbook hlbb

    I’ve read this in May…I’ve read this in June…and I’m reading it again in July…
    I use it as a reminder, especially for the days where everyone wants a piece and gives not even a thank you in return.

    From one Snob to another. Thank you…

  • http://gravatar.com/lovelytechkit lovelytechkit

    @hlbb I’ve read this in may,june ,july, and now august too. It really helps me not to get too bogged down by other peoples issues and demands about/on me as a black woman. As Sweet Brown would say “aint nobody got time for that”, and as Daniel Belton would say “I’ve got no time to entertain silly questions.I have too much work to do.

  • http://rebreathebre.wordpress.com rebreathebre

    its September…. and i continue to read this post.

  • tim

    It starts with the woman. She must pick a good mate to have a child with, by picking a man of good character they both can raise their children. It may not lead to marrage but by picking a man you can respect, you can trust his wisdom when it come to raise the kids. Strong work ethic, emotional grounded, god fearing, kind hearted, ect. Look for these things and if they are missing don’t date him or have his kids. Yes I do know there are bad men out there, you can not change them so don’t you can only change yourself and make your life easier

  • Delores

    Oh please give me a break! “Fearing God” has not a damn thing to do with it. Black males whom are mature and commited, are few and far between,you and I both know that. In fact, if we look at the truthful, real statistics,most black males are just horny,childis unrealistic,brain damaged,soul damaged fake,little boys. I married out of my race for a second time, after getting burnt epically by the so called choir boy, mamma boy military black male whom I had a son by, who vanished suddenly on me, leaving me to care for my son without his presence. Oh he went into his “religious beliefs and his great character” hahaha so on and so forth, he worked for the military, yet he turned out to be a pathological liar and a whore monger who’d had numerous affairs behind his wife’s back. I had his child, but in the end he accussed me of me of lying about being pregnant by him to the point where I had to get a dna test. He was a piece of work ha finally when it was proven he was indeed tge father,(which he already knew) he accused me of using HIS sexuality to get child support! Even though he was as dumb as a box of rocks and could never support himself and his OTHER 7 kid’s outside of the military. Black American men are generally emotionally and mentally slow to begin with. I ‘d rather cut my tongue out and fry it, before I allow myself to trust any black male for any reason again. The majority if you are just plain corrupt!

  • Delores

    Yes, but ask yourself how these women got this way? Because of some crazy black man not respecting and cherishing them! The only way to gain self esteem is by them constantly pretending to be right as well as pretending to have all the answerd since men a rarely around to help them,. I love admitting when I ‘mwrong because it’s a freeing experience and because I don’t take myself that seriously .

  • STEPH

    I’m a black male from Guyana and I cant put my finger on it, but it seems to be something about this country that has men in general golng crazy. I think for the most part i’m not like the men describe in your attacks, but I got to say I found it tough reaching my current age trying to navigate this sense of hopelessness that seems to engulf most our neighborhoods. Although i’m visually impaired, I tried my best with what I have and it’s sad to see some of these healthy individuals scratch and claw for excuses. Also I would like to point out that females will eventually replace their male counterparts with simillar behavior. In closing, long term is defined in more than one way and White people sure knew what they were doing in earliar times and the plan is still and always will be revealing it’self. ?WAKEUP?

  • http://gravatar.com/finsfan4life finsfan4life

    I couldn’t help but think about my upbringing while reading this post. I’m a black man raise by both of my extremely supportive parents. I have a sister and a wonderful black woman as my girlfriend. I understand my situation is not considered the norm, but what I can take from it is that it starts yes with the black woman to paraphrase what’s aforementioned. Most importantly yourself who has the power to generate critical thinking into those who read your post. Can we encourage this new generation of black ladies to value family and companionship and if we happen to have a son can we make sure teach them to respect women?
    It does start with the black woman, how about thinking before picking a mate. How about deciding to stick to work things out when ish hit the fan. Or demand respect from your respective mates. Respect of your body, faith, views and dreams. Yes, you are wonderful but it is also your job to make yourself recognized when us, men, are too blind to see how wonderful you are.

  • http://nicolebrene.wordpress.com nicolebrene

    This is a very interesting & relevant topic. As a black woman who has struggled to earn a good education, establish a career, raise a daughter, mostly alone and a step-son, been married and divorced, is providing the primary care for an aging parent while my older brothers come only when I fuss at them…I can relate to sooo much of this. I can also relate to and agree with finsfan4life’s comment: As black women, we are often too burdened down taking care of everyone else to recognize our own worth and apply that knowledge in choosing mates. It is a vicious cycle where the more stressed and tired we are from “always being there”…there’s nothing left for ourselves. We need HELP!!! But we’re too exhausted and multi-focused to pick the RIGHT help that will stick with us. Hopefully, as more and more enlightened individuals, such as yourselves, share their thoughts….change will come….eventually. Peace & Luv

  • mymomisdumb

    But it is at the least 50% the Black woman’s fault. And it starts with her poor judgment and decision making skills with regards to choosing fathers for their children.

    If you knew the man was no good before the children came, it was yourrresponsibility to walk away. Now children are involved and their lives are subsequently ruined because they have a sh-tty father, and, yes, that is, in fact, all your fault.

  • ades0002

    Wow, this is my life. I feel like I could’ve written this – the words so perfectly matched up with what I’ve muttered to myself, my goodness, you’re a good writer.

  • ruth

    Amazing article!! So well done! I will be sharing this one.

  • https://www.facebook.com/dez.esper Destiny Esper

    Your words are everything. Thank you, sister.

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