How do you trust yourself to pick a winner after picking up two back to back duds? This was the question I asked myself every time I contemplated dating again. Maybe I was the problem? Maybe I had some flawed DNA that made me a target?

You don’t really get over abuse, just through it. I was left no longer trusting myself or my ability to judge a man’s character. I knew good men existed, I had fantastic male friends. I just doubted my ability to pick a good man for myself.

It took me two years to muster the courage to actively go out and seek companionship. For two years, I refused to give anyone my number, scowled at anyone that smiled at me and told the very persistent ones I had a boyfriend. I was not ready to try again. I was scared. Not only of getting abused again, but of placing myself in a situation where I knew I was the problem. Picking a dud once or twice may be fine. Three times though? It stops being an unfortunate coincidence and becomes a pattern. One that would partly place the blame for abuse squarely on me. While I did not make them hit or insult me, I was instinctively attracted to abusive men. I didn’t want that for myself.

One day, a friend of mine told me she was worried about me ending up alone and lonely. She set up a blind date for me and I went, just to make her happy. I was scared the whole time that I had some indiscernible scar that would let him know I was a victim or worse still that I could be victimized. It would make a great story if I say we hit it off and are now engaged. We didn’t, but he was a great reintroduction into dating. I kept going on dates and finally found someone I liked.

Here is where it got tricky. I had every sort of defense up. I was always on guard to see if he displayed any warning signs, if he was just waiting to become an abuser. I nearly drove both of us crazy with my analysis of every word, every action, every look. I asked “What does that mean exactly?” very many times. Like a champ though, he stuck it out. Every time I tried to run or shutdown, or blew a situation out of proportion, he explained it to me, reassured me. He was determined to show me not every guy came into a situation wanting to hurt me. There were guys out there who wanted to be with me genuinely. Color me surprised!

He didn’t heal me or put me back together. I did that myself. He was just patient enough to wait as the glue dried and to blow on the parts that took too long to dry. I began to trust my judgment again. The hardest part though was accepting my part; having picked these men all the while realizing that this mistake didn’t define me. I am more than one bad decision, especially as I try my hardest to not make it again.

I am dating again. I trust myself again to pick a winner. I am happy again. I survived and I am starting to thrive. What more could I ask for?

  • marci

    I am about to go on another date with a man who is very nice, respectful and loving, verbally right on. I was married to an abusive man for 7 years. It took me 2 years to date again, after the lack of physical intimacy was too painful to bear. I rushed I to intimacy with this new guy, but luckily after 9 months we reconnected and it’s better.. Our connection is laid back and nice. Since our first round of getting to knapsack other, I quit smoking, fell in love with myself and have started finding my soul again. I’m becoming my best self and he is attracted to that about me. I even bring out the best in him as well. Ladies it will happen. Keep on healing. Love to you all. Thank you for your honest post. Captures my past fears well.

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