The Angry Black Introvert?
“You quiet. … Gotta watch out for them quiet ones.”
I got that a lot growing up. I used to get kind of offended; now, I realize all those people had a point. You do have to watch out for the quiet ones–but not for the reasons everyone thinks.
Like many introverts, social situations practically give me hives. My palms sweat at the prospect of small talk and networking. I detest banquets, awards ceremonies, plated dinner events, and anything else that means milling around with a drink in my hand, trying not to nervously laugh and wildly gesticulate while making what I hope is a moderately witty rejoinder.
But conflict is worst of all. Conflict is my Kryptonite. I avoid it at all costs, and that’s a lot of work. It involves brushing off slights, swallowing hurt feelings, ignoring subtle digs and backhanded compliments, deflecting insults, thanking people for their not-so-constructive criticism, and pretending I’ve completely forgiven someone when I’m still just working on it.
In short: it takes a lot to goad me into being vocal about my discontent. But once I’m there, I will go all the way in. Not only will I address the topic of the current argument with laser-like focus; crisp, concise sentences; and an unwillingness to concede too many points, I will reach back to all the other times I was infuriated and said nothing, so that the current exchange isn’t just a disagreement. It’s an epic blow-out.
This is what makes the quiet ones dangerous. Most people think it’s because we’re “sneaky.” I say it’s because we sit with our emotions before we react to them. I say it’s because we’re wasp’s nests. Poke us before we’re ready to civilly discuss an emotional offense and see what kind of unnerving, surprisingly assertive response you get. It might be written. It might be emailed. It might be via phone. Or it might be all up in and through your personal space. But whatever the medium, it will be unexpectedly unpleasant.
If much has been made of the stereotypical Angry Black Woman, with her contrary, outspoken views, her ornery attitude, and her teeth-kissing, eye-rolling demeanor, not enough has been said about the black women who tamp down their emotions for peace-keeping’s sake in her professional or personal life. This could be because not enough people believe we exist. But we’re out here, dwelling among all the extroverts who have no problem speaking their minds, initiating confrontation, and diving headfirst into conflict.
According to the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator profile on women like us–INFJs: introverted, intuitive, feeling, judging–we’re more likely to hold our anger in until it manifests as a health problem than we are to find healthy ways to communicate our issues before they begin to fester. So not only should others “watch out” for us; we should be wary of ourselves. If you’re like me, biting your tongue–sometimes for years–so that you feel liked, feel loved, or are seen as easygoing and amiable rather bitter and resentful, start taking small steps toward voicing your discontent with a situation in the moment you experiencing it. Start being upfront with your family and friends about how their comment or action made you feel. Start resolving, rather than resenting.
It will not be easy. And it won’t happen overnight. In fact, you may spend the rest of your life, working against your personality type to make significant progress. But it’s necessary work, and through it, you’ll find yourself feeling a more genuine serenity than the kind you’ve been pretending to have.
I’ve always been one of the ‘quiet ones.’ I used to get offended when people commented on it too…but I’ve learnt myself. I really only talk when I have something relevant to say. I just don’t talk for the sake to be talking & I also like to listen. Don’t know if that is a plus or minus.
Same here. I am quiet, and all my life, people just do not want to let me be. The only difference between now and back when I was younger is that now I fully accept and embrace my quietness. Like you, I do not talk just to hear myself talk, because that is when idiotic things come out.
One new thing I like about myself is that I’m becoming better at making the best of parties/balls/dinners–I actually dance a little, talk a little, and then I find a hallway or corner to recharge my battery for 10- 30 minutes, and then do it all over again until it’s time to leave. Also, I’m a little better at not holding in all of my feelings, which has resulted in less stress and ‘sudden’ blowups.
Love this article… I am an INFJ too.
I used to be like that. I kept everything inside and didn’t argue with people. But I didn’t forget. I didn’t do it because I wanted to feel loved or respected but because I didn’t have enough confidence to stand up for myself. But now I speak my mind clearly when I feel there are some issues that need to be adressed. I’m open to constructive criticism as long as it is justified. I don’t like wasting my time arguing with people whose only aim in life is to make others feel bad.
I agree, though I’m not quiet just cuz I’m angry. I just like to listen and don’t really like to have “filler” convo for the sake of talking. Doesn’t seem necessary nor am I that good at it anyway. I find that by listening I get a lot more info than by talking.
It seems that the author has low self-esteem. I too possess many of the same traits in regards to being socially inept. Work on boosting your self-esteem and things will improve.
I agree with you on the low-self esteem angle. My older sister fits to a perfect tee the personality type the author described. When I was younger and even up until recently, being around her made me very uneasy and anxious because it always seemed like something was bubbling under the surface yet she never expressed herself and when she did it erupted like a volcano. It’s funny though because I’m extremely extroverted so maybe that was just a case of clashing personalities. Anyways I finally asked her about why she is that way a couple of months ago and she alluded it was somewhat due to a low self-esteem/ confidence. Shortly after this conversation her friends gave her a makeover, she got a new wardrobe and haircut and it seemed as if her personality flourished. She’s still pretty quiet but is more outgoing and a lot easier to be around.
I don’t know that it has to do with “low self-esteem” all the time.. not everyone is meant is be extroverted…and there are tons of extroverts that have self-esteem issues as well. They just show it differently.
I agree with Queen. I did have some self esteem issues while growing up, but many young girls do (weight, looks you know but it never reached the point of me being anorexic). I have always been introverted even now, I’m very comfortable with myself but I really don’t like social events and I get burned out easily by being at parties. I know an extrovert who has tons of low self esteem, she always needs people to say how pretty she is or whatever. She also had bulimia and anorexia and uses skin lighting creams because she’s so unhappy with her self. So please don’t tell introverts that they have issues, every personality type does.
Sasha – Yes, it [sounds] like you two just have different personalities. I wonder if you ever tried to better understand your sister.
Yeah you people who think this is a self esteem issue should definitely read ‘Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that won’t stop talking’ Very insightful…
i’m in the middle of reading “quiet…” too!