Ditto!! A script from the page of my life except my mother is positive, my father is a bit negative and confused about some things; but it is my GRANDMOTHER who is just horrible when it comes to the torture/reward attitude. Its a manulation and control technique to give someone things that you know they will want to satisfy them, or even make them happy. At the same time, you demand (not ask) talk down (not talk too) and critique (not constructive) the same person. It sends a mixed message that is supposed to keep the person confused and still somehow loyal to the person they love but are learning to hate!
I don’t know what to do about it either. It is DEF helpful to use the Word to talk to people who hide behind “God” in ungodly ways. I do intervene as much as I can when I am in person and talk to my sister often to let me tell me what she is thinking without judgement to let her know that it is okay for her to have a voice. You can let your sister know that it is okay to name these things to herself, to you as her sister, and to God if she prays. She may be feeling that since all the church stuff is being thrown at her, God must be okay with this and its okay; she might think she is the one with the problem. It can be freeing for her to hear you say, “I know that is mommy/daddy and I love them. I know you love them too, but that is NOT okay what she just said.”
I am reading this book called “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend. It is Christian and it is traditional psychology. It is helping me get free(er) abo some of these same issues. And it uses the Bible to say in certain chapters “Parents, you are not being Godly when you damage your kids by speaking down to them or trying to control them.” It is a book I want my whole family to read. It can helpful for you to get further clarity, to your sister to help her restablish her own boundaries as she gets older (because the fear for me is that my sister will get used to this type of attitude and let some bad friend or partner treat her this same way). It can also help your mom, if she is open to it. If she is not, then just tell her that you are reading a Christian book and want her to read it and get her thoughts. Even if she only reads a little bit, the book goes hard from chapter 1.
Ditto!! A script from the page of my life except my mother is positive, my father is a bit negative and confused about some things; but it is my GRANDMOTHER who is just horrible when it comes to the torture/reward attitude. Its a manulation and control technique to give someone things that you know they will want to satisfy them, or even make them happy. At the same time, you demand (not ask) talk down (not talk too) and critique (not constructive) the same person. It sends a mixed message that is supposed to keep the person confused and still somehow loyal to the person they love but are learning to hate!
I don’t know what to do about it either. It is DEF helpful to use the Word to talk to people who hide behind “God” in ungodly ways. I do intervene as much as I can when I am in person and talk to my sister often to let me tell me what she is thinking without judgement to let her know that it is okay for her to have a voice. You can let your sister know that it is okay to name these things to herself, to you as her sister, and to God if she prays. She may be feeling that since all the church stuff is being thrown at her, God must be okay with this and its okay; she might think she is the one with the problem. It can be freeing for her to hear you say, “I know that is mommy/daddy and I love them. I know you love them too, but that is NOT okay what she just said.”
I am reading this book called “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend. It is Christian and it is traditional psychology. It is helping me get free(er) abo some of these same issues. And it uses the Bible to say in certain chapters “Parents, you are not being Godly when you damage your kids by speaking down to them or trying to control them.” It is a book I want my whole family to read. It can helpful for you to get further clarity, to your sister to help her restablish her own boundaries as she gets older (because the fear for me is that my sister will get used to this type of attitude and let some bad friend or partner treat her this same way). It can also help your mom, if she is open to it. If she is not, then just tell her that you are reading a Christian book and want her to read it and get her thoughts. Even if she only reads a little bit, the book goes hard from chapter 1.