Comments on: Hang in There Little Sister

By: Alexandria B

Alexandria B — Sun, 17 Jun 2012 20:13:18 +0000

Ditto!! A script from the page of my life except my mother is positive, my father is a bit negative and confused about some things; but it is my GRANDMOTHER who is just horrible when it comes to the torture/reward attitude. Its a manulation and control technique to give someone things that you know they will want to satisfy them, or even make them happy. At the same time, you demand (not ask) talk down (not talk too) and critique (not constructive) the same person. It sends a mixed message that is supposed to keep the person confused and still somehow loyal to the person they love but are learning to hate!

I don’t know what to do about it either. It is DEF helpful to use the Word to talk to people who hide behind “God” in ungodly ways. I do intervene as much as I can when I am in person and talk to my sister often to let me tell me what she is thinking without judgement to let her know that it is okay for her to have a voice. You can let your sister know that it is okay to name these things to herself, to you as her sister, and to God if she prays. She may be feeling that since all the church stuff is being thrown at her, God must be okay with this and its okay; she might think she is the one with the problem. It can be freeing for her to hear you say, “I know that is mommy/daddy and I love them. I know you love them too, but that is NOT okay what she just said.”

I am reading this book called “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend. It is Christian and it is traditional psychology. It is helping me get free(er) abo some of these same issues. And it uses the Bible to say in certain chapters “Parents, you are not being Godly when you damage your kids by speaking down to them or trying to control them.” It is a book I want my whole family to read. It can helpful for you to get further clarity, to your sister to help her restablish her own boundaries as she gets older (because the fear for me is that my sister will get used to this type of attitude and let some bad friend or partner treat her this same way). It can also help your mom, if she is open to it. If she is not, then just tell her that you are reading a Christian book and want her to read it and get her thoughts. Even if she only reads a little bit, the book goes hard from chapter 1.

By: onegirl

onegirl — Sun, 17 Jun 2012 17:43:00 +0000

@Cleo,
This doesn’t relate to this topic, but I bought that urban decay setting spray and it’s AWESOME!! Thank you so much for your helpful advice. :) You rock. hee hee.

By: Melancholy Soul

Melancholy Soul — Sat, 16 Jun 2012 01:29:15 +0000

My half-brother got lucky and was born a boy, so he has been able to have the father that my sister and I never had.

By: Mimi

Mimi — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 22:37:01 +0000

“… I remember going through my boy band phase. With grave concern, my mother (who does the talking for everyone) said, “Your father and I are worried that you don’t like black men. Why do you find your own people so unattractive?” Trust me, at 12, I had no idea my love for the Backstreet Boys was a reflection of self-hate…”

I cackled at that part. I’m sorry.

By: Cleo Hines

Cleo Hines — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 21:20:25 +0000

That was basically my life, I’m the little sister 15 years behind everyone. My mother would constantly berate me, and I remember bringing home a test one where I got a 97 and she asked me where were the other 3 points, did I eat them, a reference to me being a chubby kid, never mind the fact that I was chubby because I had asthma and had been force-feed a steady diet of steroids my entire life, when I hit 12 and stopped the steroids, I dropped the weight like I had been holding it for someone else. And while she berated me behind closed doors and in front of family, she bragged to all her friends how bright I was, which pissed me off to no end. My saving grace was actually my older sister, who basically took care of me emotionally, even though my mum tried to ruin that too, by constantly comparing me to my sister’ perceived perfection. She was the one that I would show my tests to, I remember for as long as I could remember, on my birthday she would have a bouquet of flowers delivered to me at school every year til I hit high school at 12.

To this day, I have way more respect for her than I do for my mum, and that sucks, but that’s just the way it is she created the situation, the way that I speak to my mum sometimes, I wouldn’t dream of speaking to my sister, when I’m in trouble or need something, that’s who I call. It was rough growing up like that, I literally had to learn to stand up for myself and not just do or say things because that was what people expected from me or because I was afraid of being berated. And my sister did call my mum on a lot of things, which made me know that she cared and I could count her as an ally. The only thing that I can tell you is to be there for your sister as much as you can, and yeah it might feel wrong to “speak out of turn with your mother, but it’s the only way your sister might realise that you actually do care and aren’t just paying lip service behind closed doors.

By: binks

binks — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 19:01:15 +0000

Well all you can do is be there for her and exposed her to the world and things through your eyes and be a good influence on her. However, I don’t condone undermining a parent in front of a child, no matter how much you disagree with them. Maybe you (or the both of you) should talk to your parents alone and let them know how you feel about their parenting from your perspectives. And if they still don’t care then all you two have to do is be there for each other for love, support and encouragement.

By: Yb

Yb — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 18:26:43 +0000

I think that for some parents after the have their last kind they get lazy. They don’t want to try anymore. Or maybe for their other child they want to try another parenting technique.

Who knows?

By: O'Phylia

O'Phylia — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 18:10:13 +0000

Because I’m a shamelessly bad child, I would overstep my mother in a heartbeat. When we’re alone, I usually confront her about being negative to someone.

As for black female role models, two words: Janelle Monae.

-1

By: Risse

Risse — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 17:09:24 +0000

Make yourself more available to your sister away your parents. Expose her to the world allowing her to see that what her parents say/think about her is NOT the end all be all.

By: Dalili

Dalili — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 16:04:23 +0000

**unconditionally**

By: Dalili

Dalili — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 16:03:43 +0000

Thank goodness your little sister has you! I agree with @YeahTam, the most you can do is be positive reinforcement, she’ll always remember that you stood in the gap and loved her conditionally when she needed it most. Take heart, you are making a difference.

By: NoitAll

NoitAll — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 15:53:17 +0000

It’s interesting that when you got a B in Math, they thought you weren’t doing well. If that’s what they really believed, it never occurred to them to get you tutoring? Instead they just berated you about it. That mentality is why I stopped going to church and I avoid Church folk to this day. SMH.

By: Crystal

Crystal — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 15:48:48 +0000

Wow! I’ve never been in this situation myself however I do work with young girls in similar families. I always try to offer them encouraging, uplifting words to counteract whatever they may be experiencing at home. I always try to show support and lace each word with love. Maybe just maybe, one of those compliments or words of encouragement will be a lift from the hurtful things they may hear at home.

Keep encouraging your little sister and letting her know her worth is so much more. Your love may be what she needs to keep her held up. If you has a cell, try sending her encouraging texts when you can’t be around just so she knows you care.

Negativity is always overcome by positive truths. Walk in it. Whenever I’m around negative people, I always remain positive….it’s contagious after a while.

By: BloominLotus

BloominLotus — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 14:47:26 +0000

Thank you for posting this. It’s so hard to be a sister and not a parent at the same time. But what can you do when your parent isn’t parenting anymore? Or when the parenting is clearly detrimental for your sibling?

By: minna k.

minna k. — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 13:42:36 +0000

THIS! Article! Is! (pretty much) My! LIFE! For! REal!

From the little sis 11 years younger than me to the fat jokes as a pre-teen, to the inconsistent parenting/ church “values”. I wasn’t allowed to watch the Smurfs. I wore my mom’s hand me downs, I got “whoopins” and was sent to church by myself. My sister has a sneaker collection, and my mom is all into Twilight with my sis, and i don’t think she has ever had to go to church.

Wanting to step in when my sis was out of line being a little kid and being told that i had no business correcting her. My father told her specifically not to listen to me, yet i carried her as a responsibility when they needed me to look after her regularly. How can a big sis do a good job when she is regarded as someone with no authority?

Lucky for her she is more extroverted, likes her body, and puts a different premium on certain material things than i would have. She doesn’t have the same kind of insecurities and sense of shame hanging over her head. We are very different people. I am sure she will do fine/better than me.

By: Driadonna

Driadonna — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 13:01:06 +0000

Thank you all for taking the time to comment! It is tough, but it always helps to know others have been there

By: I got sense!

I got sense! — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 12:17:42 +0000

Man, this sounds like an exert from my life. Yes, saying something will definitely bring about some backlash but it is NEEDED! The negativity and insults will drive your little sis down a dark road if she doesn’t get some relief. A heart to heart is needed here. A real honest (respectful) but forceful discussion coming from both of you is so important. If they are all about the Bible then use it. Whatever will get their attention. Ask them direct questions. Do you think Jesus would be happy with what you just said/did to me? Is that what the Bible calls us to do? Doesn’t the bible say….? This is the only way I could get my point across growing up. They wouldn’t listen to anything else. It ultimately ended up badly. I think parents (especially old school parents) forget that this child will turn 18 one day. And there is no scripture or passage in the Bible that requires you to call them, visit them, send cards for mother’s/father’s day, birthdays, or spend time during thanksgiving or christmas. My people had to find out the hard way. I pray that your sister can withstand until she is able to remove herself from the bad environment.

By: YeahTam

YeahTam — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 11:46:16 +0000

Kudos on the support that you are showing your little sister. She will appreciate more as the years go by. PLEASE continue to be the positive encourager that she needs.

By: Melancholy Soul

Melancholy Soul — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 07:25:35 +0000

MY mother is one of the most negative people who I know, and then she acts like she doesn’t know where I get my negative disposition.

I more than likely wouldn’t address a parent on how they raise their child, because people are going to do whatever it is they want to when it comes to certain things in life.