Confession, I love reading blogs run by mainly men like Very Smart Brothas, Single Black Male and Naked With Socks On. I always leave these sites with an a’ha moment feeling like I’m in on the secret world of how men think. However, one of my absolute favorite male blogs has to be Black Girls Are Easy. Yes, yes I know the title of the site is extremely misleading and sort of degrading. Still, the posts are always brutally honest, leaving me either wanting more, extremely upset, but always thinking.

Last week, a few of my male friends were passing this article around like it was the newly added 11th commandment.

“This makes me want to be single,” one married friend said.  “Wow, this is so real, wish I had read it earlier,” an engaged friend responded. “He touched on everything in the article, I know a lot of men who feel like this, but would never say it to the women in their lives,” another guy friend stated.

The article entitled “Don’t Put A Ring On It,” dives into the rarely discussed topic of men settling down and marrying their women because it’s the “right” thing to do and not necessarily because they want too. Although I agreed with mostly everything in the piece, it still left me feeling a bit duped. I shuttered at the thought of women around the world (including a few of my friends), who are in long-term relationships, thinking they’re so lucky because they’ve “found the one,” yet in reality the man isn’t exactly feeling the same way. How selfish. The author of the viral article even went so far as to compare forced relationships to basketball star Lebron James failed attempt at getting a championship ring and pointed out the fact that women will NOT say no if you ask for their hand in marriage.

“Long time relationships have men feeling like Lebron James in the 4th quarter. We know everyone around us is waiting for us to make that shot, but we don’t want to take it. We’re not confident and it shows, so when we force ourselves to marry and it doesn’t work out, it’s like Bron missing that jump shot– we blame everyone around us. We as men don’t have to marry anyone we don’t want to marry. Marriage is such a big step that you have to be selfish. I have a friend who recently got separated, he knew he didn’t want to marry that woman, but because of that full court pressure she and her family put on him he said, ‘I might as well, ain’t nothing else popping right now.’ It’s time to stop going ‘might as well’ and start waiting for, ‘Damn, I want this girl forever ever.’ Trust me; it’s a totally different feeling. I want every man to aim for what he wants, not what is easiest to attain. You can fake being content for a few years but eventually you’re going to start creeping with shorty that’s more your speed or start hanging with your homeboys every night instead of rushing home to the wife and kids. First comes love, then comes marriage, and then comes marriage counseling because your dumb ass skipped the first step. If you don’t want her, don’t put a ring on it.”

Duh! I found myself shouting at the computer screen. Haven’t men been getting the same lecture that women have been getting from their mothers, grandmothers, and aunties since coming of age? Have some men missed out on the profound advice that you’re never supposed to settle?

“Don’t dim your light just to be walking around with someone on your arm, don’t you ever do that!” media maven Oprah Winfrey publically informed a heartbroken Serena Williams a few years ago. Although I’ve heard this message my entire adult life, it took on a different meaning when Oprah said it to Serena. Perhaps it was because one powerful woman was saying it to another powerful woman, but it’s a quote that I’m sure I’ll never forget. So often women are told to go after their dream mate and find someone who compliments them. Are men not being told the same thing?

It’s disheartening to think that any woman is out there “catering” to her man as the article pointed out, thinking she’s doing what she needs to do to keep him happy and the fire burning in their relationship, and in actuality, he doesn’t really want to be with her: he’s just “comfortable.” Wait a minute, what? And yes I know some women are just as guilty for staying in relationships or even marriages because it’s easy and not necessarily due to complete happiness. Whatever the case, it reminded me of how significant honesty is, and how much time is wasted when you’re not completely honest with the person you love or think you love.

Here’s a thought, let’s stop fooling each other. Fellas, if you don’t want to marry us, don’t string us a long, don’t bring the topic of marriage up, and certainly don’t ask us to marry you if it’s not whole heartedly what you want. Ladies unless you know for sure that it’s love with no boundaries, no walls, no fears, no pressure, and not an ounce of hesitancy — don’t you dare say yes.

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  • Jeni

    Confirms yet again the necessity of setting boundaries and moving on quickly when you know that a man isn’t marriage material, instead of you both getting comfortable in a groove, too lazy to find the one that God really intended for you.

    Stop acting like a long-term concubine if marriage is really your goal.

  • Emme

    If a man truly in his heart of hearts wants to marry a woman, no less than 51% of the reason is because he is ready to be married period. Not that compatibility and love and all that jazz isn’t important (of course it is), but a woman should never marry a man who, INDEPENDENT of his relationship, hasn’t resolved in his mind that the responsibility of the marriage commitment is what he wants to dedicate himself to.

    Marriage isn’t all about love and fun. To be successful, both parties MUST be dedicated to the institution of marriage. Many people aren’t. If you’re not certain that your man is dedicated to the institution itself, independent of your relationship with him…. Don’t marry him.

    I guess the same applies to women… If you’re not dedicated to the institution of marriage, seriously consider whether it’s right for you.

  • Just to co-sign some of the other women who are also disgusted by this article, I don’t believe ANYONE is 100% sure about the person they are being legally bound to when they get into a marriage. There are always doubts about whether or not s/he is the “right one” and if you can live with her/his BS.

    It’s baffling how much credit women give to men for spewing garbage about women, but when women do it, she’s “catty” or “bitchy” or whatever. EVERYONE is confused about marriage, and has doubts and concerns… just because a dude steps up and says it doesn’t make him some kind of messiah.

    /eyeroll

  • Seriously?

    The blog is for entertainment purposes. There is clearly a humorous element in the style of writing. The blogger does not imply that his opinion is the result of careful study, polling and/or research. He is presenting his own thoughts and observations in a semi-comedic manner. It really ain’t that serious, y’all.

    If people choose to take what the writer presents and apply it to their lives, then who are any of you to slap their hands like you are so much more enlightened. Disagreement does not equal enlightenment. If you disagree, then you disagree for your own reasons. Your conclusions that the writer is promoting selfishness or misogyny are no more valid than someone else’s conclusions that the writer makes useful, valuable points.

    Most blogs (BGAE included) do not profess to be news articles. They are also not summaries of sociological studies. Much like songs, they are the diaries of people who are telented writers and have a desire to share their thoughts. There is no nobility in attacking a creator and those who support him or her because you do not like what (s)he created. That course of conduct manifest a fear and discomfort with anyone who thinks differently from you.

    BGAE (and many other blogs written by males) is a fun blog written by a talented dude. If you don’t find it fun, that’s cool. But, to condescend those who do enjoy it just because you disagree is even more arrogant and damaging than you are accusing the writter of being.

  • I can only shrug at this article because I’ve seen many guys think they could do better than the woman they are with and string them along. At a certain point, one or two of the men might marry the girls usually it’s because they go out date a bit and realize their dream girl is expensive and demanding. I have also seen the divorces from those one or two as well.

    I blame both sexes in this stupid relationship! The men for being too weak to go out and get rejected by the girl they think they can do better with, and the women for not understanding that actions speak louder than words. You would think that if you are of marrying age and you have been with someone for two plus years and they aren’t asking you to marry them, that should be your cue. Guys aren’t good at closing the door when you haven’t done anything “bad.” At least I haven’t seen it.

    The real title of the article should be How to Recognize A Man who thinks He Deserves Better….maybe that’s too long. Lol..but you get the point. Avoid those relationship purgatory at all cost.
    serriasays.com