Have We Been Duped?
Confession, I love reading blogs run by mainly men like Very Smart Brothas, Single Black Male and Naked With Socks On. I always leave these sites with an a’ha moment feeling like I’m in on the secret world of how men think. However, one of my absolute favorite male blogs has to be Black Girls Are Easy. Yes, yes I know the title of the site is extremely misleading and sort of degrading. Still, the posts are always brutally honest, leaving me either wanting more, extremely upset, but always thinking.
Last week, a few of my male friends were passing this article around like it was the newly added 11th commandment.
“This makes me want to be single,” one married friend said. “Wow, this is so real, wish I had read it earlier,” an engaged friend responded. “He touched on everything in the article, I know a lot of men who feel like this, but would never say it to the women in their lives,” another guy friend stated.
The article entitled “Don’t Put A Ring On It,” dives into the rarely discussed topic of men settling down and marrying their women because it’s the “right” thing to do and not necessarily because they want too. Although I agreed with mostly everything in the piece, it still left me feeling a bit duped. I shuttered at the thought of women around the world (including a few of my friends), who are in long-term relationships, thinking they’re so lucky because they’ve “found the one,” yet in reality the man isn’t exactly feeling the same way. How selfish. The author of the viral article even went so far as to compare forced relationships to basketball star Lebron James failed attempt at getting a championship ring and pointed out the fact that women will NOT say no if you ask for their hand in marriage.
“Long time relationships have men feeling like Lebron James in the 4th quarter. We know everyone around us is waiting for us to make that shot, but we don’t want to take it. We’re not confident and it shows, so when we force ourselves to marry and it doesn’t work out, it’s like Bron missing that jump shot– we blame everyone around us. We as men don’t have to marry anyone we don’t want to marry. Marriage is such a big step that you have to be selfish. I have a friend who recently got separated, he knew he didn’t want to marry that woman, but because of that full court pressure she and her family put on him he said, ‘I might as well, ain’t nothing else popping right now.’ It’s time to stop going ‘might as well’ and start waiting for, ‘Damn, I want this girl forever ever.’ Trust me; it’s a totally different feeling. I want every man to aim for what he wants, not what is easiest to attain. You can fake being content for a few years but eventually you’re going to start creeping with shorty that’s more your speed or start hanging with your homeboys every night instead of rushing home to the wife and kids. First comes love, then comes marriage, and then comes marriage counseling because your dumb ass skipped the first step. If you don’t want her, don’t put a ring on it.”
Duh! I found myself shouting at the computer screen. Haven’t men been getting the same lecture that women have been getting from their mothers, grandmothers, and aunties since coming of age? Have some men missed out on the profound advice that you’re never supposed to settle?
“Don’t dim your light just to be walking around with someone on your arm, don’t you ever do that!” media maven Oprah Winfrey publically informed a heartbroken Serena Williams a few years ago. Although I’ve heard this message my entire adult life, it took on a different meaning when Oprah said it to Serena. Perhaps it was because one powerful woman was saying it to another powerful woman, but it’s a quote that I’m sure I’ll never forget. So often women are told to go after their dream mate and find someone who compliments them. Are men not being told the same thing?
It’s disheartening to think that any woman is out there “catering” to her man as the article pointed out, thinking she’s doing what she needs to do to keep him happy and the fire burning in their relationship, and in actuality, he doesn’t really want to be with her: he’s just “comfortable.” Wait a minute, what? And yes I know some women are just as guilty for staying in relationships or even marriages because it’s easy and not necessarily due to complete happiness. Whatever the case, it reminded me of how significant honesty is, and how much time is wasted when you’re not completely honest with the person you love or think you love.
Here’s a thought, let’s stop fooling each other. Fellas, if you don’t want to marry us, don’t string us a long, don’t bring the topic of marriage up, and certainly don’t ask us to marry you if it’s not whole heartedly what you want. Ladies unless you know for sure that it’s love with no boundaries, no walls, no fears, no pressure, and not an ounce of hesitancy — don’t you dare say yes.
I haven’t read that blog but I have to say that I agree with both of the comments here. Love is a choice ok, to look out for one another’s well being always, and it requires folk to be unselfish. I just have to smh at alot of folk these days. People are so lost, selfish, immature, greedy, carnal minded etc etc etc
I LOVE Black Girls are Easy…one of the best black male perspectives out there..
You all love ‘Black Girls are Easy’? I can’t get past all of the misogyny and slang.
I don’t mind the slang, I don’t think its used in a way that takes away from the overall message. If anything I feel like he’s writing for/ to his audience in a way that they can probably relate. I generally don’t speak slang but understand what he’s trying to say. Where’d you get misogyny from though? I’ve been reading his blog for about 2 years and didn’t really detect any misogyny but maybe I’m missing something.
I don’t think you are missing something. Some people are just more sensitive to sexism/misogyny than others, and most of the Black male centric blogs I have read heavily promote both.
* To answer the question of the article – No, I have not been duped.
@ Teiko..I take it very tongue in cheek and hope that women aren’t reealllyyy using it as a guide….it makes some valid points but I hope that women are reading it as fodder and not as revelation.
But some women are using it as a guide because they don’t know any better.
I find it disturbing that so many black women here are more than happy to read and support a blog written by a presumably stubbornly single black male but will probably turn their nose up at a sister giving advice who has been there done that and achieved happiness as a single woman. I don’t like how willing some black women are to support black men, who are usually just using them for $$ and props, but not a fellow sister who is genuinely concerned for our well being and happiness. When will we learn?
How much of a role does mindset and biology play in the different ways men approach marriage and women approach marriage?
Men in this society are generally not socialized with the idea that marriage is a culmination of our lives nor do they feel the pressure of a biological clock. Thus many of us can operate from a place where we do not feel pressured to marry until….
But until what though?
Until we find that chick that is so “bomb ass” that we cannot imagine a life without her. Well there is a problem with that too because what you may consider “bomb ass” at 22 is not so “bomb ass” at 32 or 42. The truth of the matter is marriage is not a natural state of being and so it is going to take effort on every couple’s behalf to have it and to hold it. One of the primary factors undermining relationships today is the prevailing belief that it is suppose to be this easy organic fit.
On what planet?
Movies, TV and pop culture have created an illusionary relationship existence that has distorted both male and female expectations and not for the better. Your spouse is not your favorite pair of jeans that you are just going to slip into and all will be right with the world. Plus those jeans are never that comfortable once you put on that extra 10 pounds. Life experiences can add proverbial pounds or take them off. When you are in a committed relationship you have to make alterations to accommodate the changes that will occur with both you and your partner. That is if you want it to last.
But like anything in life that you hope to invest in for the long term, it is important that you do your due diligence. In relationship as in business it is worth the effort to determine compatibility, shared values, shared interest plus a commitment to the relationship long term not just until one or the other circumstances changes.
I have great admiration for Oprah Winfrey but just like I would take fitness advice from her with a grain of salt so would I take relationship advice. If I was creating a media empire now, I would take her opinions as gospel. Another thing, women need to start disavowing themselves of that old ridiculous bromide that men are supposedly imbued with a sense of certainty. We are as certain that our relationship is going to work out well as we were that we were going to be an astronaut at the age of ten. Any man who tells you he knew when he first met a woman that he was going to marry her is a liar. We can be just as unsure we want to marry or be with a certain woman in a certain time as any woman can in a similar situation. This whole relationship and marriage thing is just as uncertain and difficult for men to navigate and how you feel from one day to another is never guaranteed. This stuff is not easy and it is not suppose to be, it is serious business and we need to start viewing it as such. Being serious though does not mean it should not be fun also.
@Rastaman now yours is a blog I would read!
Boom!
I agree with you a 100%. Great blog post!
+1000
Correct!
Given the recent article on the site, you can add porn to the mix as one of those things which give false expectations, use up precious body resources, distorts what sex should be and generally adds to the chaos of a greedy, selfish world.
Marriage is serious business!
I dont like reading/listening to blogs like that. I tried that once for 2 weeks and afterward I felt it messing with my head. I’m much different then a group of people sworn together by a color
Same here.
+1
I thought Black Girls Are Easy was a hate blog when I had the misfortune of stumbling upon it. Most of these sites are just a patriarchal guide for women to navigate the sexist dating world in ways men see fit for women.
Prime example: the so called “bottom bitch” is only that to hood men. To another culture, she’s a supportive girlfriend. I love how a certain group of men purports that black women are not supportive, and other groups of women are. However, these men write blog posts about the “bottom bitches” who’ve “held them down,” whom they’ll never truly love, because they aspire to have more. Interesting, fellas.
Yeah, the thing with that blog, it’s not as much as a problem of what he’s saying as much as it’s how he’s saying it.
Bottom bitches exist in all cultures- it’s the safe and easy girlfriend who a man doesn’t passionately want but he doesn’t have to work hard to keep her and gets security from her predictability and loyalty (and then he marries her and cheats on her with women who remind him of the type of woman he should have married instead, but now he’s 10 years and $400K worth of house debt in too deep.). Women have them, too. Rather than call it the “bottom b*tch” it could be called the “safe bet” nice guy who they marry b/c they’re at the “i-need-to-be-married-by-this-number” age or just want to wear a diamond ring and be part of the wives club. Starting with the title of the blog, the language is over the top and offensive, but most things I’ve read from that site are valid- they’re just expressed in a rather tacky manner, which I wish they would change. It’s so unnecessary inflammatory. After reading that article, I wondered why I’d stopped; then I kept clicking through and I remembered.
Agree with apple.
I dont even let stuff like that enter in my psyche.
hahaha. It’s happening AGAIN!!!!! I keep clicking. Anyway, an excerpt from a post titled “Why Are Black Girls So Damn Difficult?” Sounds like an article straight out of Clutch:
“It must suck to be a Black woman. You can’t go out to the bar without throwing a drink in someone’s face. All of your friends talk shit behind your back. You never get chosen on the Bachelor. Your boyfriend only takes you to McDonalds. Either you go to an inner city high school that’s in need of Michelle Pfeiffer to help you learn to read or you’re stuck in the suburbs as the sassy sidekick to some witty blonde. Apparently Maury Povich is the only positive male role model in your life. Oh and don’t you dare get out of line with your man because the State Farm guy is always waiting to replace you with someone a shade lighter and with less attitude. That’s how TV portrays Black women so that has to be true, right? They’re all eye rolling, church going, McNugget eating, man problem having females whose only positives seem to be the ability to dance and dress nice. Today’s special word is BULLSHIT, as in the portrayal of Black women in the media has become straight bullshit.”
[link: http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2011/12/why-are-black-girls-so-damn-difficult.html
@Yulez
“To another culture, she’s a supportive girlfriend.”
No, in other cultures she would be a fool. In other cultures, they dont have the same dating rituals as we do in the West or even in African American communities. Most of the world doesnt date and if they do, they dont date as many people and they dont date as long. Men generally tend not to get very serious until he is on his feet.
I agree, apple. I just can’t either!
+1