How to Survive A Controlling Mom and Still Be Close In the End
One of the worst fights I ever had with my mother was over me moving out. The fact that I was of age (22), done with college and working meant little, as this wasn’t about whether I “could” move out. Obviously, and legally, I could. It was about the sheer will of my mother against mine and what my parents thought was best (stay at home and save your money and stay away from that boy we don’t like) versus what I wanted (freedom to make my own decisions about my life without a running commentary).
It wasn’t a pretty fight. In fact, it still bothers me to think of it since it involved a level of aggression neither of us enjoyed very much and that didn’t solve anything. I eventually moved out when I got a job offer in Texas, I blew all my money and went into debt and I most certainly kept seeing that terrible boy they wanted me to stay away from.
Sure, my mother was right. But she didn’t get what she wanted in the end. Being right is a hollow victory when your daughter is a 24-year-old divorcee, nearly 10 grand in debt and severely depressed. But, after the dust settled, I told her that this might not have gone that way if she’d been more understanding about me wanting any semblance of freedom when I was a teenager and young adult.
Some people get to test drive adulthood under the supervision of their parents. I was told I could only be an adult if I physically moved out of the state. (At the time, simply moving out of the house, but remaining in the same city, caused that knock-down, drag out fight I loathed.) Any effort to get out and away was met with a glare of “I know better.” And while this worked great when I was small and desired to eat nothing but pizza and ice cream, it’s pretty stifling after age 19.
Plus, I didn’t know how to make decisions for myself for a long time – to disastrous results. And I was that way by design. It’s easy to make the “I know best” argument if you’ve been raised to be wholly dependent on your parents. And while there were some parts about how my parents raised me I wouldn’t change for the world, the part where I would cry until I was blue in the face over how it was unfair for them to expect me to adhere to rules that infantilized me at age 16, 19, 22, 25 and even well into my 30s, is something I’d like to avoid with my own kids one day.
With all this in mind, my mother and I are actually extremely close. As a child, she wasn’t just my mother, but my friend, protector, therapist, doctor, teacher and spiritual guide. I relished in telling her my stories. So much so that when we fought once when I was a kid and I told myself I’d give her the “silent treatment” the next day, I found myself still talking to her the minute she said “good morning.” Because the silent treatment wasn’t just a punishment for my mother. It was a punishment for me. I loved talking to her. Whatever bothered me seemed small in the larger scheme of breakfast chat.
Thanks for this post. I am STILL going through this struggle with my mother and ironically it seems to be getting worse the older I get. She demands to know everything about my life so she can make craftily-worded, guilt-ridden “suggestions” about my decisions. And when I refuse to answer her incessant questions, she starts investigating–questioning my siblings/friends to get info, and at one point, even calling the guy I was dating to “get through to him” since I wasn’t listening.
It is hard to establish and maintain independence, especially because she is my mother and there are times when I do want to talk to her and have her opinion about things. However, when I do hold firm by not involving her in every life choice, she considers it an affront to her and says I am being disrespectful. Almost 30 years in, this is getting harder and harder to deal with. Hopefully your keeping in mind the tips above will help. Thanks for sharing, Danielle.
I fear my mother and after multiple attempts to escape her I have just gave in. She makes my life hell and everyday I wish to go to sleep and never wake up. I don’t know how I’ll escape this
Oh my Apple. I’m sorry to hear you say that. Is your mother abusive?
Apple,
There’s always a way out. It might take a little time to find it, but it’s there. Just know that whatever you’re going through won’t last forever and you can take control of your life. In the meantime, try talking about your situation with someone you trust, they might be able to help you find the way out. And if you’re not comfortable talking to a friend or family member, call a counsaling/crisis hotline (800-273-8255). You can even talk to someone one-on-one on your computer through a counseling/crisis website (http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx). These services are here to help regardless of your particular circumstance.
Just know that you can make it through your situation, and if nothing else, I pray that you wake many more mornings.
-Celeste
Apple honey please email me so we can talk. Hit me @ [email protected]. I have felt that way since childhood honey but please trust me it can and WILL get better! Are you working or a student? Can u save up you money so u can move? Maybe u can take ur financial aid and move out? Or live with a friend or family member? Maybe pay them money or rent, cook or clean for them as payment. How about a shelter? I know you may not want to go there but I don’t want u to harm yourself because u feel trapped. Please honey email me I’m concerned for you. Let me know how u r! I’m praying for u.
Apple believe me things get better , stay positive. I have been thru the same thing with my mom you are not alone I am speaking from experience. If you need to talk please email me [email protected]
I’m going to email this article to my mother.
Another great piece Danielle. Every healthy relationship has some boundaries.
My mother is narcissistic. There is no way we will ever be close.
Girrrl you ain’t Neva lied! I’m just finding out why my grandmother acts the way she does! She’s a narcissist as well. As a child, I KNEW many things weren’t right but of course I couldn’t put my finger on it. She’s still trying to control and guilt and disrespect me. I’ve had enough and am HEAVILY considering cutting her out of my life. Some fam say I should just back away from her: keep the call few/far in between, and either dont visit at all or visit sporadically. Teiko honey follow these links http://gloriarubio278.hubpages.com/hub/Do-You-Have-a-Narcissistic-Mother
And a link on how to adopt “low contact” with ur narc mother. Im going to adopt these principles. http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/low-contact.html
If you need to back away or cut all ties, do whats bet for YOU. Especially if she’s still damaging you. We can’t continue to let them control us! EmAil if u need to chat [email protected]. Love,
Anna