How to Survive A Controlling Mom and Still Be Close In the End
One of the worst fights I ever had with my mother was over me moving out. The fact that I was of age (22), done with college and working meant little, as this wasn’t about whether I “could” move out. Obviously, and legally, I could. It was about the sheer will of my mother against mine and what my parents thought was best (stay at home and save your money and stay away from that boy we don’t like) versus what I wanted (freedom to make my own decisions about my life without a running commentary).
It wasn’t a pretty fight. In fact, it still bothers me to think of it since it involved a level of aggression neither of us enjoyed very much and that didn’t solve anything. I eventually moved out when I got a job offer in Texas, I blew all my money and went into debt and I most certainly kept seeing that terrible boy they wanted me to stay away from.
Sure, my mother was right. But she didn’t get what she wanted in the end. Being right is a hollow victory when your daughter is a 24-year-old divorcee, nearly 10 grand in debt and severely depressed. But, after the dust settled, I told her that this might not have gone that way if she’d been more understanding about me wanting any semblance of freedom when I was a teenager and young adult.
Some people get to test drive adulthood under the supervision of their parents. I was told I could only be an adult if I physically moved out of the state. (At the time, simply moving out of the house, but remaining in the same city, caused that knock-down, drag out fight I loathed.) Any effort to get out and away was met with a glare of “I know better.” And while this worked great when I was small and desired to eat nothing but pizza and ice cream, it’s pretty stifling after age 19.
Plus, I didn’t know how to make decisions for myself for a long time – to disastrous results. And I was that way by design. It’s easy to make the “I know best” argument if you’ve been raised to be wholly dependent on your parents. And while there were some parts about how my parents raised me I wouldn’t change for the world, the part where I would cry until I was blue in the face over how it was unfair for them to expect me to adhere to rules that infantilized me at age 16, 19, 22, 25 and even well into my 30s, is something I’d like to avoid with my own kids one day.
With all this in mind, my mother and I are actually extremely close. As a child, she wasn’t just my mother, but my friend, protector, therapist, doctor, teacher and spiritual guide. I relished in telling her my stories. So much so that when we fought once when I was a kid and I told myself I’d give her the “silent treatment” the next day, I found myself still talking to her the minute she said “good morning.” Because the silent treatment wasn’t just a punishment for my mother. It was a punishment for me. I loved talking to her. Whatever bothered me seemed small in the larger scheme of breakfast chat.
wow this is such a relevant article. my mom is like this as well, and as much as I love her and need her, there are just some things I can’t talk to her about.
I can relate so much to this post. I’m a college student so I’m not completely independent. I’ve never been that close to my mom but since my brother and sisters are married now, she has focused her entire attention on me. It’s not a bad thing but she can be so controlling sometimes. The funniest part is that we’re miles away and miles away. I tried to explain it to her once but I know I hurt her feelings. That’s the bad side of having a Supermom. She can’t help taking care of people and their problems.
This is my mom all day! I’m actually 23 and she’s trying to rope me into coming back home to live. I know it’s all out of love and I needed these tips to avoid it. Thanks Danielle!
Omg! I’m seriously convinced that myself and Danielle Belton are related (for this reason among others). Great article. I also had a very similar relationship with my mother. Matriarch of the family with me as her second in command. But when I broke, I broke hard, not even understanding why fully. And like Danielle I suffered dastardly consequences. The main being my life now as a single mother of one. I was the last person who was expected in my family to be in the position I eventually found myself by trying my hardest to forge my way on my own without my biggest support system: my family. The desire to flee from difficult situations involving your family push many into situations that are much more unhealthy than really just learning to deal with your family. Coming back and really dealing with my issues and relearning how to be in a healthy parent/adult child relationship with my mom has been one of the best things for me. It made me healthier and it has helped me become a much better person. The support of my family has been the main reason that I have been able to thrive and be the kind of mother I want to be. I definitely have had to set boundaries and as the author mentioned it’s not always easy but no real relationship worth having is. It helps become a better more well rounded person to actually DEAL with your issues with your family than to run away from them, especially when you know they love you very much.
This article describes my relationship and interaction with my mom. It’s improved slightly, but our relationship still sucks. When I was living on my own for a couple of years, things got 100x better. Of course when I moved back home, it didn’t take long for us to start fighting again. While I’m at home, I’m making sure that I’m paying off debt and finishing school so I can be financially independent and get the hell out of here.
Guuuuurl Candi, I feel you to the umph degree. I had to move back after graduation since there is no big corporate job waiting on me. I’m glad I have somewhere to go but I’d really like it if it wasn’t my Mom’s. Anything we swept under the rug while I lived alone or with my ex for the last six years is now coming to a head slowly like a nasty cyst, sore, puss filled and infected. It’s something everyday. I feel more like 16 than 30. On top of that her new husband whom I loathe supports her behavior. I am on a daily goal to get the hell out of dodge.
From me staying out for the night, to what I eat, when and how I date. What I do with my money. Funny she wants rent now, which I jumped at the idea, thinking it would give me rent payers rights but she still wants to control everything. I swear there’s rules that apply to me but no one else in this house. Ugh girl I get angry just writing about it. Well just want to let you know I feel you. Hopefully they’ll listen, go to therapy or shit we’ll move out soon.
Chile I’ll be damned if you’re not me! Hmmmph! I pay rent but you gon’ tell me how to wash my underwear, who to date, can’t bring anyone in, how to eat, and when to come in?????
After bein thrown out several times but having to come right back b/c of money woes and her sucking my money dry, I’ve FINALLY broken free and will do ANYTHING 2 not have to come back!!! If u can, SAVE UR MONEY BABY! so u can be free!