How to Survive A Controlling Mom and Still Be Close In the End
One of the worst fights I ever had with my mother was over me moving out. The fact that I was of age (22), done with college and working meant little, as this wasn’t about whether I “could” move out. Obviously, and legally, I could. It was about the sheer will of my mother against mine and what my parents thought was best (stay at home and save your money and stay away from that boy we don’t like) versus what I wanted (freedom to make my own decisions about my life without a running commentary).
It wasn’t a pretty fight. In fact, it still bothers me to think of it since it involved a level of aggression neither of us enjoyed very much and that didn’t solve anything. I eventually moved out when I got a job offer in Texas, I blew all my money and went into debt and I most certainly kept seeing that terrible boy they wanted me to stay away from.
Sure, my mother was right. But she didn’t get what she wanted in the end. Being right is a hollow victory when your daughter is a 24-year-old divorcee, nearly 10 grand in debt and severely depressed. But, after the dust settled, I told her that this might not have gone that way if she’d been more understanding about me wanting any semblance of freedom when I was a teenager and young adult.
Some people get to test drive adulthood under the supervision of their parents. I was told I could only be an adult if I physically moved out of the state. (At the time, simply moving out of the house, but remaining in the same city, caused that knock-down, drag out fight I loathed.) Any effort to get out and away was met with a glare of “I know better.” And while this worked great when I was small and desired to eat nothing but pizza and ice cream, it’s pretty stifling after age 19.
Plus, I didn’t know how to make decisions for myself for a long time – to disastrous results. And I was that way by design. It’s easy to make the “I know best” argument if you’ve been raised to be wholly dependent on your parents. And while there were some parts about how my parents raised me I wouldn’t change for the world, the part where I would cry until I was blue in the face over how it was unfair for them to expect me to adhere to rules that infantilized me at age 16, 19, 22, 25 and even well into my 30s, is something I’d like to avoid with my own kids one day.
With all this in mind, my mother and I are actually extremely close. As a child, she wasn’t just my mother, but my friend, protector, therapist, doctor, teacher and spiritual guide. I relished in telling her my stories. So much so that when we fought once when I was a kid and I told myself I’d give her the “silent treatment” the next day, I found myself still talking to her the minute she said “good morning.” Because the silent treatment wasn’t just a punishment for my mother. It was a punishment for me. I loved talking to her. Whatever bothered me seemed small in the larger scheme of breakfast chat.
I thought I was the only one experiencing this.
OMG, my mom hated me because I refused to stay at home and attend a community college. I chose to attend a large research university that wasn’t in my city. She acted like I did it on purpose but I would have totally lived at home if my area had more prestigious universities @_@ anyways I didn’t wile out like the author lol. I know I made the right decision, I have more opportunities for study abroad, research + medical activities, honor societies etc compared to my friends. I even help support my mom now, by sending her refund checks from my student loans. So that improved our relationship lol.
I could not relate more. I am 22, just graduated college and pursing a career in journalism. In the past month my mom has sent me a million communications job ads at her company. I love my mom, but I am an only child and went to college in my hometown. Moving out is essential when I get my first paycheck. If that job is out of the state, well that’s even better.
I can relate to ALL of this. My mother & stepfather Have been nosy & overprotective my entire life. My relationship with them is beautiful & extremely close but can be equally hard to deal with. When I was a teenager I was never allowed to go to parties, & once I turned 18, I had a strict curfew of 10:30. My mother actually violated all mother-daughter boundaries by reading my diary & KICKING ME OUT. I am now back at home, 22, trying to pursue music but lacking the skills necessary to be an ADULT & handle business as I’ve been treated like an infant my entire life. I cannot have a bloody glass of wine without incurring an attitude & disapproving glare, & I cannot leave the house without being GRILLED on my whereabouts & who I’m with. My BOYFRIEND of FOUR YEARS is not allowed in my home, & just last night I found myself sleeping in his CAR with him while parked on my own street. My growth is stunted, I’m trying to become a WOMAN sans being taught HOW by the very people who were supposed to instill those skills in me.
They are very loving & caring & I love them more than anything, but this ridiculousness is dehumanizing, MADDENING, & leaves me feeling violated.
Huh? Sleeping in your car? You may need to get yourself in check.
I saw this article and it immediately caught my attention. I am African and no one understands how African mothers are unless you have one. I have been controlled from birth and the control came with physical, mental, and emotional abuse. I was extremely suicidal as a teenager because of it. I could never do anything at all so it turn I never really had any friends because I could never hang out with me. After I finished high school at 17 and got my first job is when I started somewhat having a life because I would just say I’m going to work in order to hang out with friends. When I was 21 I left after my mother put her hands on me for the last time. I moved to ours away where I went to college to finish my degree. I was with the wrong guy at the time because I just wanted someone to love me. When I realized I was going the wrong way with this guy n tried to break it off he got me pregnant on purpose without my knowledge and becoz I was too chicken to have an abortion I am now stuck as a single mother when I never wanted to be a mother and had to move back home. So now I’m back under the controlling thumb. There is no more physical abuse but the verbal and mental have not stopped. Its hard to move back on my own as a single mother and I refuse to have my child live in poverty so I take the abuse until I am able to be on my own. I am 25 and treated like I am 2 when I have my own 2 yr old soon to be 3 at the end of the year. There is no talking to her. She is always right and everytime I try to stand up for myself I’m told I’m being disrespectful so I don’t say anything at all I just take it. I’m tired mentally, physically and emotionally and I really don’t know what to do but keep trying my best until the day that I can finally be on my own and know for sure that I won’t need to go back for anything.