That mighty splash you heard Sunday night was True Blood jumping the shark. I’m sorry ya’ll, but I fear that’s exactly what has happened. For the first time, last night I found myself checking the clock not hoping that there was more to go, but that the end was nigh. I’m sure there was a fight on Real Housewives of New Jersey that I could have been peeping. I may be wrong. We are, after all, only two episodes in, but I think season five of True Blood is suffering from too many (boring) plot lines, too much fan service and too many changes to the character of key characters.

In case you’re wondering, it is possible to be both a vampire and an angry, black woman stereotype. Tara has risen and she isn’t happy–though she’s not as a zombie vamp as I had feared. Unlike other characters who have been turned, for instance Jessica, Tara expresses her anger through otherworldly shrieks, animalistic leaping on the cabinetry, destroying rooms with vampire speed and deadly glaring. Now, she’s like a super, angry black woman. But, you know, Tara has always had good reason to be angry, though many fans of the show are keen to overlook that. In this case, her cousin and supposed BFF have turned her into a thing that she hates, something which Tara, in her first intelligible line this season, assures Lafayette and Sookie she will not forgive them for.

Meanwhile, Eric and Bill, are in deep with The Authority, the ruling body of vampiredom. Viewers get clued in on the vampire origin story (they are made in God’s image–the offspring of Adam’s first wife, Lilith) before the pair are interrogated by Vampire Stabler (Or, Chris Keller, if you prefer actor Christopher Meloni’s work on Oz). Luckily, before Fuck Up 1 and Fuck Up 2 (as they’re known around the halls of Authority headquarters) can meet their true death, Bill offers to track down and dispose of Russell Edgington, who you’ll remember has escaped his concrete grave.

I’m guessing from here on out Eric and Bill are going to be like buddy cops tracking a perp. Unfortunately, this turn of events really doesn’t square with who these characters have been individually or who they have been to each other. Since when is former Viking Eric, the ruthless mofo with swag to spare (sort of a Swedish Shaft), a fuck up or a sidekick? And a sidekick to mopey Confederate Bill of all people? Please.

By the way, Eric looking all puttin’ on the Ritz, licking blood off his fingers after saving a human Pam in early 20th century San Francisco? Priceless. Though I’m not sure why San Francisco in 1905 look likes Whitechapel in 1888. But whatevs…it was nice to see a little of Pam’s past. That character has made the last two episodes for me.

I’m not so interested in Terry Bellefleur’s past, especially if revealing it requires a sweet damaged man to become all ragey, shoving his girlfriend about. Can we agree that Terry’s old Army buddy from Afghanistan is probably not as helpful as he seems? Here’s hoping True Blood show runners dispense with this storyline quickly. So, too, the whole werewolf foofarah. If Alcide is doing something fully clothed. No one cares. Wolf puppies are cute, though.

Though I’m not a fan of Rev. Newlin’s pursuit of Jason Stackhouse, I can say watching his Carlton Banksesque grooving at Jessica’s party was a high point of Sunday’s rather dull episode.

I sure hope this gets better.

Okay, Treubies, did you dig this week’s episode more than I?

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  • apple

    Too many plots! I don’t care about Sam merlotte Jason terry Andy Arlene Luna Hoyt and please tie Jason into Sookie Tara Lafayette bill Eric and Pam ! Too much going on

  • Misty_Moonsilver

    Ugh I HATE what they did to Tara! WTF First I was worried that brain damage would mess her up…. I’m just mad and confused. They better find a way to fix her!

    I guess Bill and Eric are BFFs now that Sookie is out the picture.
    And yes I was looking at the clock…longest hour of True Blood ever.

  • Melodrama

    Dull episode??? That episode was GREAT. Girl, you are trippin lol. Vampire Elliot was well worth the wait and they are setting up some big religious themes for later with this crazy ass authority church of politics. AND Eric and Bill have always had this messed up frenemy thing going on. This stretches all the way back to Season 1 (“You didn’t respond to my texts” — Eric to Bill in one of their first scenes together). I don’t think they’re jumping the shark by setting them up for an alliance. It makes sense, considering both their lives are in danger now with the authority. Doesn’t the saying “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” come to mind here?

    As for Tara… I dunno. I recall Jessica being ragey after she was turned. Remember her whole, I’m gonna go back home and kill my family thing? Like Pam (kinda sorta!) stepped in and demanded she not hurt them, Bill did the same with Jessica. It’s been a long time coming for Jess to get used to vampire life. If Tara doesn’t get staked this season, she could have a similar turnaround.

  • Tiffany

    I was glad to see this because I felt the same way. I found myself drifting on fb on my phone and had to keep rewinding the show only to learn that I didn’t miss anything. It has to get better.

  • Elaine

    Whatever they do we need to see more of Eric and Alcide…who knew?!