I’ve never had the experience of a stranger asking for my phone number, and then meeting him at a restaurant for dinner and drinks. No attractive man has ever organized a flash mob to ask me out for coffee.

In fact, in my mid-20s, I have never been on a date.

I know other women who can say the same. They had a “boyfriend” in high school. Then a college boyfriend or two. Now, they’ve broken up and she’s ready to have some fun. At least, it looks fun in the rom-coms, but I’m sure if me and Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome were sitting across from each other at a candlelit table right now, I’d have no idea what to say!

Every notable relationship I’ve had began as a “situation.” You know how you think you’re friends, and then it just kind of eases over into something more? The texts went from, “What was the homework in chem class?” to “What you got on?” And for some reason … you answered.

Sooner or later everyone starts to ask, “What’s up with you and homeboy?” You say nothing, though you know it was up last night and the night before. And that’s fine until you watch “Think Like A Man,” and wonder why no one has ever embarked on an epic pursuit of your goodies. I want someone to string a million Christmas lights up on a rooftop and cook a gourmet dinner for me!

I can admit, watching those exaggerated depictions of what romance should look like has caused me to view my relationships as inferior. It frustrated me that my boos never planned anything special for me. But then I had to ask myself if that made his feelings for me any less real. And I had to check myself for setting such a low standard in the first place.

Going forward, I plan to not hold my date to an unreasonable expectation. I know I wouldn’t ask anything I would be unwilling to do. Then again, without some sort of dating precedent, how do I really know whats reasonable or not?

Any other Clutchettes out there who have yet to go on a “real” date? What’s your game plan for how to conduct yourself when it does happen?

  • Stanley

    Actually, I was on a house date last night.
    Then, what is stopping you women from asking your man out on a date? I know if I wanted I would, why don’t you?

  • Dee

    I’ve never really gotten any actual pursuit from men. I’m 24. Never been kissed, never been on a date, never had a boyfriend, not even in high school. The most I’ve ever done was hold a guy’s hand, and that was when I was 16. The crazy thing is that people tell me I’m adorable frequently enough that I don’t think I’m physically unattractive. I run, I have a good job, and like to think that I’m outgoing and fashionable as a black woman. I have a good deal of female friends, and all my male friends are (attached) from high school. These last four years, I have been a bridesmaid three times and am the godmother of three different babies. While I’m genuinely happy for my friends, I am sort of becoming jealous and nauseous at the sight of other people in love. I feel like it’s an experience God may not want me to have in my life. What if I die without ever knowing what an orgasm is like? Love? Motherhood? A loving sexual relationship? I show up to events alone and lately have been declining hanging out with work friends because they are all married, engaged or dating and I don’t want to kill the mood being a depressing third, fifth, seventh, or ninth wheel. I have been going to the same church since childhood. I try and volunteer and donate blood and get out in new and atypical situations to meet new people, but just wind up as a friend. I converse easily with new people so I’m truly addled to why I honestly feel so invisible to men in this capacity. I truly, truly don’t feel as though I come off as pretentious. The three times I’ve approached men, they immediately turned the situation into a sexual proposition, and I really want to get to know someone before I decide to share my body with them. I mean, don’t ask me back to your house if you don’t even know my last name, that’s just ratchet. I’m beginning to feel so lonely and depressed, I’m border-lining. I don’t know how much longer I can go on feeling this way. I hope something changes soon.

  • confused

    Id just like to say that I really understand your feeling..this bewilderment as to why nothing has ever ‘happened’ despite stacking up in all areas (which is uaually what people tell you to work on) what is you have and still get nowhere thats more dissapointing than if you did nothing.. Its madness. I see too many insecure.. Dysfunctional and quite frankly uninteresting and unattractive people have great , long lasting relationships… It makes me question the advice people give about ‘working on yourself and it will come’ it might be good fir YOU to do that but it doesnt seem to bring in decent dates like people say

  • http://www.clutchmagonline.com/2012/06/true-life-i-have-never-been-on-a-date/ Ivan

    You are not adorable and guys are scared because they think you are a Feminist !!! OK . Lets be honest here . You have to ask them out .

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