True Life: I Have Never Been on a Date

by Driadonna Roland

I’ve never had the experience of a stranger asking for my phone number, and then meeting him at a restaurant for dinner and drinks. No attractive man has ever organized a flash mob to ask me out for coffee.

In fact, in my mid-20s, I have never been on a date.

I know other women who can say the same. They had a “boyfriend” in high school. Then a college boyfriend or two. Now, they’ve broken up and she’s ready to have some fun. At least, it looks fun in the rom-coms, but I’m sure if me and Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome were sitting across from each other at a candlelit table right now, I’d have no idea what to say!

Every notable relationship I’ve had began as a “situation.” You know how you think you’re friends, and then it just kind of eases over into something more? The texts went from, “What was the homework in chem class?” to “What you got on?” And for some reason … you answered.

Sooner or later everyone starts to ask, “What’s up with you and homeboy?” You say nothing, though you know it was up last night and the night before. And that’s fine until you watch “Think Like A Man,” and wonder why no one has ever embarked on an epic pursuit of your goodies. I want someone to string a million Christmas lights up on a rooftop and cook a gourmet dinner for me!

I can admit, watching those exaggerated depictions of what romance should look like has caused me to view my relationships as inferior. It frustrated me that my boos never planned anything special for me. But then I had to ask myself if that made his feelings for me any less real. And I had to check myself for setting such a low standard in the first place.

Going forward, I plan to not hold my date to an unreasonable expectation. I know I wouldn’t ask anything I would be unwilling to do. Then again, without some sort of dating precedent, how do I really know whats reasonable or not?

Any other Clutchettes out there who have yet to go on a “real” date? What’s your game plan for how to conduct yourself when it does happen?

  • Melancholy Soul

    I’ve never been on an official date. I would only consider an outing to be a date if the two people mutually have interest in each other. I’ve gone out with guys who I couldn’t care less about. I’m sure they considered those to be dates, but I didn’t. I plan to conduct myself on a ‘real’ date as I would any other day.

  • Laugh

    You already know! It’s because you allowed your love interests to not have to work and court you. Why should a man ask a woman on a proper date if all he has to do is text ‘what you wearing’ and it’s on? The problem isn’t whether or not you know what a date looks like, the problem is your standards are wayyyy too low. Having a dinner date would not be much different than a study date. There’s just food involved, you look extra nice, and topics vary. You deserve more and it doesn’t need to involve a man renting a helicopter for the night. People only do to you what you allow. These men have sensed they can get away with the bare minimum and that’s all they’ll give if that’s all that’s required.

  • Ms. Information

    That is weird…I am 33 and get asked out on dates almost daily– and this has always been like that….maybe you are giving off some type of vibe or something?

  • apple

    I love dates! My fav date was in this place in NYC called St marks ! We went to all stores on the street (a comic book store my fav) and then went ate sushi and then went on like this long adventure thru the night .

  • Kathleen

    I understand. Im 26 and never had a real boyfriend.

  • http://method2hermadness.blogspot.com girlformerlyknownasgrace

    WHAT…ok, i hate to admit it, but Steve Harvey’s logic does apply here. You don’t get dates because you don’t expect them. At least you realize it, though. Hopefully your next dude raises the bar!

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    RAWR!!!!!

    i like that mama!!! you is d=something fierce!!!!!!!!!

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    ooooh lala!!!! sushi will have me in the emergency room doe!!!

  • Guest

    He’ll come soon. Prepare now. You’ll never know where your first romantic date will end up. Best of luck to you. 

  • Jess

    Sweety, first and foremost you have to believe that you are worthy of being wooed. It is not an unrealistic expectation to expect a man to court you, to romance and pursue you. Even in the animal kingdom, there are specific rituals, behaviors and ceremonies depicted by the male animals in hopes of winning the favor of the eligible females. Surely, you believe that you warrant at least as much pomp and circumstance as a female peacock?? Dates are great for their intended purpose–getting to know the character and personality of a person before committing to a relationship. Hell, that beginning phase is often the best and most magical part, don’t sell yourself short. Make him work for it.

  • http://msanomalous.com Victoria Shantrell

    hmm.. I’m 23 and all I pretty much do is date. I haven’t been in a real relationship since I was 18 and in high school. And even back then, I still had dates with several guys. I can only think of a couple reasons why a person would never have been asked on a date by their mid-20s: not attractive (and even then, ugly girls still get asked out, maybe not by Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome, but SOMEBODY will ask them out.. or be in chase of the goodies at least) or awkwardness. I have a friend who’s my age who’s never been on a date, kissed, a guy, no nothing and that’s because she’s awkward.

    I actually think your growth is being stunted by not dating. Dating helps you figure out what you want and don’t want; understand male motives, thoughts, and actions; help you figure out how to interact with men. Dating is essential to self-development.

    V

  • NF

    Is that what people wear on dates now? (See article picture)
    Wow! I feel old and overdressed and I’m not even 40.

  • gmarie

    I think I was 23 when I’d FINALLY gone on my first real date. Things are just..different now.you definitely have to make your wants and needs known because today’s 20 something (and sometimes even older) young men will try to do everything they can to avoid actual dates and implement “house dates” where you guys “hang out” and “chill” and someone’s place “watching” a movie.

  • sholla21

    That’s exactly what’s going on. When I read “What you got on” my eyebrows went, “no he didn’t”, lol (yes, they speak). If a guy can get what he wants without putting in any work, he won’t feel the need to. I feel a little sad for women who think romantic gestures are unrealistic. I expect romance therefore i get it. I wouldn’t be with a man who has no idea how to be romantic and I’m willing to do my part. Guys enjoy romance too, just a different kind ;).

  • Jaslene

    I’ve never been on a date or had a boyfriend. It use to bother me a lot now not so much. I have a problem with intimacy.

  • interesting

    welp. i’d suggest you do some soul searching to find out why you’ve never been on a date or asked out and dont blame the men in your life and their approach but take a hard look at what YOU are doing, then find women who get asked out or approached all the time and start to mimick them until things start to change.

  • Melancholy Soul

    How can you say, “He’ll come soon”?

  • PhillyGirl12

    African Mami – Do you have a job or do you work for Clutch?? You are on EVERY SINGLE article!

  • isolde

    Women are often socialized not to voice their concerns or “rock the boat” so to speak while men are socialized to speak up and go after what they want. And when women do speak up they’re often called nags, uppity, angry, argumentative, ball-busters, etc. What you have to ask yourself is whether or not clamming up about your standards and expectations is worth what you get in return. Who’s to say that any of your past beaus wouldn’t have taken you out on a real date had you just asked?

  • jamesfrmphilly

    because she doing him……

  • Chika e.

    Omg!! I’m 24 years old and i have never been on a date. I’ve never been kissed. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I would really like to experience the whole dating experience. I want a boyfriend. I get rejected by every guy I like. Guys don’t come up to talk to me. In high school guys would talk to me as a dare from their friends or as a joke. It hurts!! Oh well. I have given up on finding love. I’m focused on other things.

  • Jae Bee

    Wow, I’m sure that comment made her feel good about her situation. [sarcasm off]

    I’d have to agree with previous posters who have stated that men will only treat you the way you allow them to. If you don’t set those standards for yourself and demand that a man treat you right, then don’t be surprised when he doesn’t. If all a man needs to do is send you a text to get with you, why should he bother attemting anything else?

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    Abeg, mind your GOTDAMN business!! I comment as I please! The fug?!

  • apple

    It maks you ill? Usually when I feel ill if i eat sushi I feel better!

  • http://www.blackchickontour.com Terri

    Maybe it’s you “new breed” of girls. IDK I’m 47. I’m on husband #2 (we’ve been together 16 years!) and I was always dating before I got married. I don’t know the secret. But I think a lot of it is to take care of yourself (Look the best you can, because yes, it does matter. A man can’t see your smart brain until he has enough motivation to come and talk to you), have respect for yourself, and don’t be up in the club showing your azz (literally or figuratively).

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    @phillygirl12

    Mind your business!!!!! Are you paying my bills?! Rude MUCH?!

    I comment as I please, if it means EVERY article, what is doing you???!??!?

  • apple

    I’m 23 and never had a real boyfriend either !

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    girrrl, even the mere thought of it drives me complete nuts.I don’t even like the smell….

  • Fit_MissC

    LMAO x 100 @PhillyGirl12 says:

  • Melancholy Soul

    I am 26 and have never been in a relationship either. It’s nearly impossible for me to have romantic feelings for someone else and I just don’t care for relationships.

  • http://method2hermadness.blogspot.com girlformerlyknownasgrace

    Aww, that is actually kind of sad…

  • Fit_MissC

    “first and foremost you have to believe that you are worthy of being wooed” – I don’t think enough women believe this sentiment wholeheartedly. My last relationship was almost 3 years and when we met woo went “whoosh” in like a month. The woo is one of the best parts of dating someone new and should never be rushed. I regretted that I didn’t put more effort into appreciating it more or having higher standards of what I would accept. Now, I’m all about the woo. Can a girl get some woo – hell yeah.

  • http://method2hermadness.blogspot.com girlformerlyknownasgrace

    I comment a lot on this site, but i use my phone (most times, except when i am at home). The power of mobile technology.

  • Janie B.

    Wow. Driadonna I felt like I was the one who wrote this. LOL. I can’t believe I’m not the only one who hasn’t been asked out or approached.

  • http://msanomalous.com Victoria Shantrell

    @ Jae Bee

    But am I wrong though?

  • Stanley

    I’m a man. I’ve never been on a date either.

  • Ms. Information

    @ African Mami..lol..I never accept though mama…that is why I am still single..lol…who are all of these extra people worried about wtf you are doing…I think I may find another site soon…Black women on this site have developed a sisterhood and respect even when we don’t agree with one another…where did all these trolls and itch bays come from?

  • M dot

    I’m in the saaame exact boat :/ I feel you lol

  • Queen

    Don’t give up.. you will find one eventually. Just do as your doing.. don’t focus on it so much.

  • That Girl

    I’m 21 and I’ve been on plenty dates. Especially since I started college and I have to say you can’t let guys txt you and ask “What you have on” I will kindly ignore the hell out of a guy like that.

    The way I get dates is to make myself approachable. When I have a boyfriend I don’t make much eye contact with guys and when they try to say hi I give a quick smile, hi, and I keep it moving.

    Now that I’m single again I go out and I smile at guys. I flirt and I’m not afraid of rejection because that isn’t they way to go through life. I only just decided to start dating again last week and I’m going on a date this Friday. It’s all about how you portray yourself and not being afraid.

  • Ms. Information

    @ AM when did people start policing when and what people comment on…the funny thing is if you have noticed that she comments on articles…you are on just as much…

  • Laugh

    I say everybody here who has never been on a date needs to get on a dating site STAT! Don’t even look for Mr/Ms Right. Accept the first coffee/lunch date you are offered, as long as they are seemingly normal go to a safe public place never give your adress. Who cares if he/she looks like a duck. I say just do it to get some social/dating experience. Try something new and dating wont seem so intimidating, you may actually enjoy it.

  • Queen

    I don’t think it has to do with being ugly or awakard. o.0 We don’t really know what her situation is/was..Maybe she never had a father? Maybe it had to do with self-esteem. Who knows.

    I think people need to stop focusing on it so much; someone will come when you’re good and ready, but in the mean time focus on “you”.

  • Gina

    This thread makes me feel sad. I’m not the best looking person put I’m 21 and I have been in a three year relationship. My first kiss was in 6th grade, lol. Anyways, I just recently broke it off and have had people interested but I’m so picky. I had a 3 month long trist with someone but it was established that it was a ‘friends’ situation only. My long term boyfriend didn’t officially ask me on a date until he had a job and money to take me to a really nice restaurant. And he dressed in a suit and I was dressed up to.
    It was nice feeling that I WAS WORTH the expensive meal and being treated like a young lady. I think the older I get, I will expect nicer dinner dates and such but as for right now, since most of my male peers are college folk and poor, I think a decent dinner and movie or something creative would suffice.

    And I think dating has a lot to do with self esteem. I think I’m cute, not ‘hot’ or ‘gorgeous’ but if you walk and dress like you are somebody worth knowing, guys recognize that that is an interesting different woman. And I feel like a 10 now rather than the 7.5 I actually am XD

  • Melancholy Soul

    My father was never a huge part of my life, but I don’t go looking for male attention, so…?

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    @ Ms. Info

    Girrrrrrl, I ain’t phased! I am going to frequent and comment as much, if not more. You are right about the sisterhood!!

    Shout ourrs to all my girls hurrrrrrr!

    nyhoo: when I grow up, I just want to be like you girrrrlie. Gerring all the boys hot and bothered!!!! Yes lawwwwdie!

  • Purple Rain

    Wow, I was just thinking about this! I’m 26 and I’ve never been on a real date either. I have been in relationships before; two previously which were a result of dating websites. I just found the online dating thing to be much easier. Though not necessarily more effective because both relationships failed miserably.

    I’m trying to stray away from the online dating thing and focus more on meeting men in “real life”! But it has been a difficult transition and I rarely get asked out. I think the last time was two years ago, by a creepo when I worked as a teller. Men just don’t approach me.

    I do admit to being very shy. Maybe they pick up on this, I don’t know. I’m thinking about trying a dating coach.

    Anyone had any results after using a dating coach??????

  • Laugh

    @That Girl- you are so right! That’s what you gotta do be willing to Put yourself out there. But we are all so afraid of rejection.

    You guys should check out this guy on YouTube he gives EXCELLENT dating advice. His name mhlifestyle.

  • Nestafan2

    You’re not alone. A lot of women have never had a real date or a real boyfriend. Most of the time when they claim to be in a “relationship,” they are either seeing someone’s husband, or they are just hooking up after dark.

    There are many women who have no idea what relationships entail.

  • grateful

    i know i’m going to catch some flack for this but whatevs…

    do you LOOK like you give a sh!t about yourself?

    do you put effort when you dress up to go out?

    i remember having 2 boyfriends in high school and then getting to college and having a few guys come up to me in college but that was about it.besides school i had a part time job , never wore makeup, dressed up very casual when going out and smart casual when going on dates. i never really got my nails done , wasn’t very inshape, wore simple weaves and had simple relaxed hairstyles most of the time, etc. i think you get the picture.

    i was a casual, no-stress, low maintenance girl.

    and i thought that was what guys liked (and besides, it was easierand less complicated than getting dolled up so i liked it).

    but guess what? wasn’t nobody bangin’ the door for me.

    i remember asking a guyfriend if i was unattractive and he said no, i just didn’t put effort. i looked like a low-maintenance girl so guys approached me and our dates in the same manner.

    ok, then.

    i started with my body. got in shape (i’m very toned now!), got rid of my acne (expensive but worth it) , went natural (boy was that a journey) and found a few cute hair-do’s for everyday and special occasions, started wearing makeup; a simple foundation, mascara and lip-stuff look for everyday and more for special occasions ( did it make one heckof a difference!), couldn’t afford going to the nail salon so i started buffing and painting my own nails (both up and down).

    then i looked at my clothes. i used to buy mostly greys, blacks, dark blues but i started going for brighter colors. i went for what clothes looked good on my body type vs going for what was comfortable.instead of going for what was safe i went for something a bit more stylish. i started wearing heels a lot.i started smiling a lot more.

    i felt a lot more confident about myself.

    the every day guys in the street started whistling and staring. even the guys at my workplace commented and were like wow!some of them (and other guys i’d known before) started asking me out and looking at me as more than an acquaintance.i used to think other races of men didn’t find me attractive but even they started approaching me . it miphed meat first and i thought these guys were shallow (i was still the same person i had always been personality-wise so why hadn’t they approached me before?)but i realised something.

    men are very visual and they get their cues about you from how you represent yourself. the rest of the world does too. when you take care of the way you look and carry yourself with class it changes the aura you give out. trust me.

    if you believe however that ” a man should love me for me” or ” he should love me even at my worst that’s how you know he is the one” and it’s working for you , then ok. but for the rest, let’s not be ashamed to put our best foot forward. don’t be afraid to firmly check a man for asking ” what you wearing?” if he is not your boyfriend. show men that you are the kind of woman who likes to be taken out and courted, not merely texted. no giving the goodies unless you all is in a relationship!!!! (unless you’re friends with benefits)

    remember men are very visual , and they read you by how you look and conduct yourself. don’t be lazy.

    good luck.

  • OSHH

    As some have stated, folk that haven’t been on dates need to let it be known to whomever is showing interest and its mutual that you like to go on outtings, even free events etc. but that you do like to get out and experience life by doing different things and not just hangin at someone’s house. It’s the standard and expectation you set for yourself, and only you can do so.

    I don’t know about going out with people just to go though, the only way I can date someone is if I am interested, not just for something to do cause I am bored, a free meal or so called experience on dates with people you are not even interested in.
    It’s a different ballgame entirely when the pistons are firing on ALL cylinders = chemistry compatibility, attraction

  • Anon

    I’m about to ask a for real question… Are ya’ll in need of writers? Because I’m about to have to ask for GROWN 20something women to be authoring these articles.

    Mid 20′s and never been on a date? I can’t with this. I just can’t.

  • Anon

    LAWED hammercy! Thank you Jesus! I’m SO glad that you’re 21 and have a clue. PUH-LEEEZ ladies, if some dude texts you about “what you got on” and ya’ll ain’t been together for AT LEAST a year, keep it moving!!!!!!!!

  • Anon

    If it is that serious for you ladies, then I recommend online dating or rec sports ASAP!!! There is NO reason to be under 30 and NO prospects. Shoot, even Kendra from Playboy managed to find a man and ole’ girl was just about a smidgen from a straight up **e.

    It is the summertime. Get out there, get cute, and get some dating experience! You don’t have to marry him, it is just dinner. And for the love of all things, NEVAH pull out your card to pay on the first date!!!!

  • Yulez

    What’s all of this bar raising talk? Unless all women collectively decide to raise the bar, forget about it. There’s always another girl available to do what you won’t. Men don’t bother investing, because they don’t have to. Some folks need to learn to be happy and single. I just don’t find dating/relationships/hookups/beingmadeafoolof to be worth the effort.

  • cocochanel31

    How old are you? I cannot see someone out of college never going on a date…sounds a little suspect….
    If indeed that is true – please dont entertain another man ever that refuses to take you out in public.

  • Anon

    You’re also on a women’s site complaining about how YOU haven’t asked a woman on a date. Those two things look like they go hand in hand.

  • http://devadonna.blogspot.com Driadonna

    Ladies,

    Thank you so much for your comments! I think my overarching point was that i’ve been in a number of casual situations that wound up with us actually “catching feelings,” so to speak, as opposed to the typical pursuit. But I REALLY like the comment about how even in the animal kingdom, there are mating rituals. I would say self-esteem plays into my newfound trepidation about dating, or not feeling ‘worthy of being wooed.’ Some girls just think they deserve the world; some have to convince themselves! ya know?

  • Isis

    I have a friend who had never had a relationship. I keep telling her to join a dating site. Cant have a serious relationship if ur not dating.

  • OSHH

    what happened to my other comment!

  • Myownopinion

    You have to be approachable is all I can say…and not be shy. Sometimes I think women have to make the first move, and if they’re interested they will pursue you. Anyways, what is the girl in the picture wearing on her date? With her boobs hanging all out that takes away from the mystery…just saying.

  • PeeWee

    I’m 22 and never had a real boyfriend/relationship either! Just a few flings & friends with benefits here & there, a couple of which lasted as long as an actual relationship smh…..or the classic “talking to” someone, which never really went anywhere

  • http://method2hermadness.blogspot.com girlformerlyknownasgrace

    @Driadonna, I was about to type how much i appreciated this article but i might as well type it here. I think it is providing stimulating convo about dating tendencies or lack thereof. I dunno, for me I have always thought it weird for men to straight forward ask me if I just wanted a friends with benefits type of thing, or just a texting-and-lets-hang-out type of thing. I’ve always been black-or-white; if a guy even seems indecisive about me, he really is not worth the time because that probably means he is holding out for someone else or a better match. I don’t waste time on those guys either.

  • grateful

    and another thing, your dating prime is your 20′s, so PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE, DON’T LISTEN TO ANYBODY WHO SAYS “WAIT, HE WILL COME” .

    He won’t .

    find out what the problem is .

    fix it.

    and then you will meet him.

    but do it now before you get to your 30′s.

  • http://method2hermadness.blogspot.com girlformerlyknownasgrace

    NO where my comment at

  • OSHH

    What yours is yours whether it be in your, 20′s 30′s 40′s 50′s 60′s etc
    Just cause you might be prone or more apt to date in your 20′s doesn’t mean you are dating the man you will marry and/or the the right man for you……. nor does it mean you are even ready to be the right woman as a wife to that man. Sometimes folk have to go through some thangs, a refining process and that takes time, only then will you be ready.
    It’s like asking the Lord for certain things and you want them now but the LORD knows you are not ready, mature enough etc to handle certain blessings, which if given prematurely could become a curse and so until you are ready, you are being prepped by life.

    *******MOD Where is my other comment though!

  • PrincessP

    Same here. 27, and although I’ve been on dates, never had a boyfriend. Just a few “situations” and friends with benefits.

  • Isis

    Pleaseeeee listen to Grateful. You want to get that guy in ur 20s. You don’t wanna be like me, 32 years old and single, while all your girlfriends got their guy in their 20s. 20s are your prime child bearing years. Don’t waste them if you can help it.

  • Isis

    If I ever have a daughter I’m gonna talk to her about dating from the time she’s young. I want her to be ahead of the curve, not behind, like me. All the things my parents should have taught me, so I could avoid, I had to learn through trial and error. My entire 20s was wasted because I didn’t know a thing about men.

  • http://fuckyeahchar.tumblr.com/ LynLyn

    I actually been in more dates in high school. I had a boyfriend when I was 16-18. I broke up with him because he cheated on me with different girls including two close “friends”. When I got to college I was pretty much single. My school was very small and it’s very diverse. It was mostly girls and some guys. Most of the guys had off campus girlfriends, they were players, m
    Most guys in college didn’t care about dating and it was a foreign concept to them. A date in their mind is going to his place and watching a “movie”. I feel for that “let’s watch a movie” trick too many times. Younger guys don’t care to put any effort to actually ask a woman out and just date her. They rather just would have a FWB situation or just a one night stand. They want just sex and nothing more. College really screwed up my perceptions of men and just dating.any were gay and most of them were just not interested in me.

    I talked to maybe one of two guys at my school and they ended up disappointing me in the end. I talked to one guy in my freshman year and the other in my senior year.The first guy was with his ex the whole time while we were “dating” and I didn’t know.He told me that he had broken up with her the year before and that she was a bitch to him. He lived in very far from school and out of state. I really thought that we were starting to build a relationship and become official. As soon as the summer came, he has went back home and got back with his ex. He had blocked me from his Facebook and changed his cell. I found out through one of his friends that he was spreading rumors about me when I never did anything with him.

    The other one I really liked and tried to get to know. But instead he went our with this girl who didn’t even like him and just used him for his car, money, and alcohol. This chick knew that I was interested in him and that I liked him and told me that I should go out with him. But she wasn’t interested in him at all never. It really hurt me that she did this because I thought that were friends. I was depressed for the last couple of months because I had to see them together all the time, go out, make out and talk about their sex life. It made me angry that I did so much for him to notice me. Not only this but this girl cheated on him, flashed people in public, didn’t have manners, and didn’t know how to clean her own clothes. I always thought guys didn’t like easy/slutty girls as girlfriend material.

    I felt so unattractive and felt like there was something wrong with me because I had such bad lucking dating. I just sort of stopped caring about myself for a while. I love fashion and dressing up. The stress of my senior year and just my personal life caved in on me and I stopped wearing feminine clothes and I would wear sweats all day. What’s the point? Why should I put myself out there once more? I get the same end result no matter what the situation is. Me being left rejected and the guy always with someone else who doesn’t give a damn. feel like I can never win with dating. If I let a guy approach me he is always someone who I don’t feel an attraction and they are not my type at all. Or they are pretending to be nice and they are a douche later. But if I approach them and be forward with them they never like me back or want to go out with me.

  • Melancholy Soul

    Maybe women would be able to find a decent man in their 30s if our society stopped thinking that women are objects who have a shelf life.

  • overseas_honeybee

    @Isis … do you think you would have been ready to settle down and make babies in your 20′s? Many of my girls hurried up and got that ring/kids and now really wish they had waited. There’s a lot of growth between 22 and 32. Sis, 30′s are prime time too not to mention they come with less foolishness. There’s still plenty of time left for kids and a hubby.

  • grateful

    @OSHH

    note i said “dating prime” meaning the BEST TIME . this does not mean you won’t find one after that , but it’s gonna be harder, trust.

    one thing i’ve learnt as i have matured in my christian walk is that there are certain things that we as christians tell each other that aren’t necessarily accurate or even true either to comfort each other or because we don’t know what else to say. this is one of them—-> “What yours is yours whether it be in your, 20′s 30′s 40′s 50′s 60′s etc”

    if you’re past your 20′s it’s not too late but please be about it.

    please don’t be sitting in the church pews sunday after sunday praying for that man but doing nothing else and thinking that’s enough.

    i’m not saying you should approach a man but make sure you are noticable and stand out in a crowd (in a good way). make sure you have other activities and join other clubs/sports/hobbies besides church.

    God bless!

  • overseas_honeybee

    I’m having a hard time believing this one myself. Guess it depends on what your definition is of “a date”. It’s been a minute for me lately due to work, church and school but dang. Set a standard and keep it. You teach a man (and anyone else for that matter) how to treat you.What you allow ito go down is what will happen. we’ve all made mistakes in dealing with men but you take notes and learn from it.

    I find when I’m not so focused on “romance” and just go out and enjoy myself … the fellas come a knockin’.

  • Isis

    Yes because now I’m old, bitter and set in my ways. lol Back then I had a naivete about me and was still optimistic about love. I’ve been alone so long I don’t even know how I would function in a relationship. If the universe allows you I say do it when you are still young. I envy those who got it in their 20s. Its the best time. I never wanted to be in my 40s with young kids. Oh well

  • OSHH

    I just turned 38 and most people do not believe that is my age LOL so yeah while I am praying, I am working(faith alive) on me and the LORD is too, outwardly and inwardly.
    I strongly encourage folk to start cultivating and developing the qualiites you want in someone else, in yourself first.
    GOD bless you also!!!!!!!!

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    @ grateful,

    hey sissy!!!

    @ OSHH

    Happy Belated hun!!! Lawwwwwd hammercy you are a strong lady to be declaring your age, I am taking mine to the grave!!!loool.

  • binks

    We need to make a Clutch

  • OSHH

    You have to got to shift your focus. Stop giving these lil young boys so much power over you. Get your fly back girl, and start doing things outside of boys you enjoy doing.
    Start doing the positive things that make LynLyn joyful inside. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you. So work on you inwardly and outwardly, your character, your interests, your style and career. Do things with folk that love you, like real friends and your fam and the rest will come Lyn.

  • grateful

    @Isis

    don’t give up mama.your 30′s are still good , not the best but still good. unfortunately you don’t have the same luxuries you had in your 20′s which is why i say “be about it” because if you’re not careful they will fly by like your 20′s.my point is DON’T DO NOTHING. this is what theunmarried (but wanted to get married) black women who are in their 40′s tell me.

    @Melancholy soul

    the ideal is having fun and getting to know dudes in your early 20′s, start dating seriously in your mid 20′s and then get married late 20′s. it doesn’t happen exactly like that for everyone but you get the gist.

    i don’t treat women like they have a shelf life but the thing is majority of the time the men

    1)who are the ones who approach,
    2)who are the ones who propose for marriage,

    do so, (since the women on here are complaining of not getting dates i can only conclude they don’t approach men nor would they be willing to propose so this applies to them)so unless a woman is willing to be in the minority and initiate these 2 things ,these are things a woman might have to adhere to if she wants success in this area.

    even white women (the group with the most options) adhere to this somewhat.

  • http://tontonmichel.tumblr.com/ Tonton Michel

    ” but I’m sure if me and Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome were sitting across from each other at a candlelit table right now, I’d have no idea what to say!”

    How about hi, my name is ______________, come here often?

    You will be surprised with how many men will run through an open door, eye contact, a smile, actually talking back when spoken to, we usually run seek these things out. That and going to places were men are.

  • jdonnielle

    Stick a fork in me, I’m done!!! Omg, Im on a blog stroll, hit this corner and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry!!! Im 27, soon to be 28 and I’ve yet to go on a real date either because meeting someone at Buffalo Wild Wings just can’t count…especially when I arrived first and I’m ALWAYS late! Either way, food for thought, hell breath for life…definitely something to embrace. Thanks a bunch!

  • That Girl

    One thing I forgot to mention is I don’t date guys that attend my school. I usually date older guys. No older that 23 before and 25 now. That probably helps as well because they’re more mature.

  • Glazed’

    A lot of the women on here who do not believe this article. I am assuming are older but I can tell you as a 21 year old college student this is definitely true. Luckily, my first date was with my current boyfriend at 19 we still go on dates definitely wish it was more. There are lots of women I have seen that have not been taken on a date although they had some piece of a man. Today the men in college “want to chill”, “hang and watch a movie at the house” pretty code for sex/hookup. They don’t want to take women on dates. My friend and I said to know if a man is serious he will at least ask to take you on a date instead of chill at the crib that’s the first sign because it’s crazy out here today. My roommate has been dealing with two men in two semesters of us being in the dorm NONE have taken her on a date and she doesn’t bother to ask I guess out of fear and they sure aren’t breaking their necks to ask but can come over for sex pitiful.

  • gmarie

    I’d rather this than another Kardashian/BBall wives topic. It’s real and relevant at least.

  • Ann

    Me 10!

    No one has asked for my number randomly, it doesn’t happen and I don’t think it’s weird.

  • Beauty

    Go to mhlifestyle on Youtube he basically is a dating coach.

  • Ann

    What kind of logic is this?

  • Beauty

    Good advice!! It’s true you gotta lose the weight if necessary and pull yourself together or no one is gonna approach you. Thats just how it is nowadays. There are fabulous girls even gorgeous girls who dress very comfortable or don’t put much effort but the sad thing is your most likely to get overlooked.

  • Beauty

    It’s true that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.

    Just think about it, is the loser who lets this ignorant girl just use him someone that you would really want to be with anyway? Thats a blessing in disguise girl. I know it’s strange to say but you really can’t take things so personally. We all get shot down or dissed by someone we thought were going to be the one. When things don’t work out you gotta say….NEXT!

    And get your sexy back, they are not worth you giving up on yourself.

  • Beauty

    True, a lot of my friends who got married in their twenties are now going through divorce so the grass isn’talways greener.

  • Beauty

    Girl you need to be a writer. I literally am laughing out loud at your comment. Too funny.

    “meeting someone at Buffalo Wild Wings just can’t count…especially when I arrived first and I’m ALWAYS late!”

    Praying for you to get that REAL date!

  • YinkStar

    Being 23 and never been on a date or in relationship myself, I think confidence and self-esteem plays a huge role in all of this. Also having an introvert personality doesn’t help =/

  • Anon

    NO! Women shouldn’t have to make the first move.

    Even high school kids know that.

  • Melancholy Soul

    The difference between a lot of you and me is that I get approached a lot! More than what I ever care for because I have no interest in dating.

  • http://fuckyeahchar.tumblr.com/ LynLyn

    @Keep it Real

    Most of the guys who approach me are random hoodlums with sagging pants and horrible speech. I hate thuggish guys. The other half is composed of creepy older men who are around my dads age 45+/50+ asking me out. Ew! I don’t dress revealing or act a certain way when I’m out in public. I just keep to myself and mind my business and these thugs and senior citizens are always bothering me trying to ask me out on a date. That’s not what I want or like. They are persistent, annoying, and creepy. They also get angry when you reject them.

    I’m not attracted to these type of guys so why would I give them a chance. If I don’t find you physically attractive and if you are bothering me when I’m trying to go on my way to work or when I don’t like to be bothered on the subway you aren’t worth my time. I like guys who are hipsterish/alternative/nerdy. But they are never interested in me.

  • Kacey

    The guy on the ‘Black Girls Are Easy’ blog wrote an epic piece on this very issue. Its called “Dating Vs. Come Over And Chill”. It’s very good and I highly recommend it to any woman. I know some of you here object to that blog because you THINK it degrades black women. That is NOT the case. He is speaking to a certain demographic and in a language that they can relate to. I used to dislike it until I opened my mind long enough to actually read the content. His posts are insightful and beneficial (if you are offended by the language and content, then you are obviously not part of the audience he is speaking to, point blank!),

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    @ Anon,

    It’s a real struggle in these mean streets, help the sista’s out!!

  • Alexandra

    Well I didn’t go on an official date until after I started college (19). I was on & off with my bf at the time (and long distance) so I took the opportunity to go ahead. My first date never went anywhere, but several months later (20yrs) I was on another date with someone else and that never went anywhere either. It was my fault though. Then came a three-year gap between ending a serious relationship and meeting new people.

    My first dating experiences were all new to me, they were awkward, I wasn’t yet comfortable with dating someone lighter than I, and I had other personal issues.
    I’m 23 now and I’m still not crazy about dating, especially with strangers. But unlike other people, I can admit that the issue was: ‘me’. There were times where I picked up that a guy was trying to converse/flirt with me and I would find ways to change the convo or show lack of interest to prevent further advances. I still do this sometimes, but not as often. I’m dating someone now (we’re not official) and when asked on a date, I was the one who made the plans. I chose to go somewhere where we would have to interact with each other so neither of us would feel awkward. I’m still learning though…

  • Melancholy Soul

    Exactly, LynLyn. If I were to ‘love’ the guys who ‘love’ (approach) me, I would be dating men who have nothing to offer and who I am not compatible with/attracted to.

  • Pseudonym

    yES!!! I LOOOOOOVED that article! So true. Don’t be easy. Don’t be so down to just go over and “chill.”

  • Rochelle

    The author sounds like she has very low self esteem. I am 30 years old. Still young. But I don’t know what is up with this generation. A text????? WTF is that. I always tell people (men) I met not to text me unless it is a “Im here at such and such waiting for you” type of thing. If a guy starts texting you to “get to know you.” Cut him lose immediately! He is an A-hole looking for a quick lay. Tell him if he wants to get to know you he must call. If not be gone. You cannot get to know someone through text. That is the ultimate disrespect to me. Also, your type of “dating” is what leads to children out of wedlock, broken homes. late or no child support payments, and single mothers. If a guy doesn’t plan anything special, especially for the freaking FIRST DATE…….he is a loser that does not deserve your time. Move on and find someone that actually likes you enough to plan and impliment a evening out. This ESPECIALLY goes for college students! Tell that fool what is up. It is funny, because I have been telling my little sis about men and the games they play since middle school. She is 22 now and handles herself like a grown woman should when it comes to dating. This foll was telling her that he likes her but he is not “looking for a relationship right now” Please….POOF BE GONE! Another guy was insisting to go bowling on their first date. She didn’t want to go bowling. She wanted a nice dinner and movie. SO they decided to go get something to eat. Last minute he calls and says his grandma is sick and he has to reschedule. NO N*gga, you just wanted things your way not caring what she wanted to do (on a first date where he should be trying his hardest to impress her, not the other way around) and that is not going to fly. She caled him out on his bullshit and said there will be no rescheduling. She even wished the foool a Merry Christmas! *Loves Her* Brings a tear to my eye. Anyway I say all this to say that you have to watch what a man says AND does. If he is not a gentleman in the beginning he will never be. Love yourself and let these dumb n-words beat off.

  • Pseudonym

    “and another thing, your dating prime is your 20′s, so PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE, DON’T LISTEN TO ANYBODY WHO SAYS ‘WAIT, HE WILL COME.’”

    [*dead*]

    HI.
    LA.
    RI.
    OUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    If we were in the same room I’d run over and give you 10 high fives!
    hahahaha!!!!

    I nominate grateful for Comment of the Day.

  • hearyoume

    great recommendation. matthew hussey’s tips (about almost anything) are almost always on POINT. He’s gorgeous too…

    The only relationships i’ve been in where with guys I met online but I was in a really bad place then. In the recent past, my self esteem is better but I was not interested in dating and all the work so I stay home alot and don’t dress to impress much. That’s changing now…

  • http://kinksandart.tumblr.com Paris

    Wow! This article is so sad to me. And I wondered why when I tell a guy when first meeting him that I enjoy going out on dates he looks at me like I’m the one thats crazy. Some ladies have been making it really easy for these guys. Shoot I even had a dude admit to not being “the dating type” (code for “can I come over and chill” type) take me out on various dates including out for sushi. Why? Because I made it know that this is what I expect in order to get closer to me.

  • Imnotalone !

    This is my story ! I’m 28 years old and I too have never been on a date. I almost shed a tear because I truly felt at times that I was the only one ! Thank you, thank you, thank you for being open enough to share your story. I know in my heart that we’ll get that date and when we do it will be with the man who we are meant to share our lives with !

  • Melancholy Soul

    You are not alone. I think it is easy to feel that way when a lot of blogs rarely have articles for those of us who don’t care about dating and/or have never been in a relationship/had a real date.

  • Melancholy Soul

    You are not alone. I think it is easy to feel that way when a lot of sites rarely have articles for those of us who don’t care about dating and/or have never been in a relationship/had a real date.

  • binks

    *Okay, let’s try that again since my comment did the weird half posting thing*

    We need to make a Clutch’s chronicles or something…lol I can somewhat relate, I have a problem with dating in general. But my problem is I have self-sabotage issues because I believe the type of man I want and ultimately attracted too just doesn’t exist anymore in this day and age. So I just don’t bother with the whole dating scene in general because I’ am not the type of person who date just because… Sure I have prospects and I have no problem attracting and getting a man’s attention when he pursues formally (not down with the whole texting, “we are just talking to each other”, or loose connections/hookups scenes) but if I don’t feel the spark and the chemistry It’s a no go with me. But as for the problem stated, I agree with those who already spoken about STANDARDS! You get what you expect, if you are taking crumbs why would you expect for him to step up to the plate with a 3-teir cake for you. And these days, many men feel like they shouldn’t have to or don’t need to step to the play right so on top of that you have to be extra careful with weeding them out. And I agree that you have to look at yourself objectively to see if you have hidden issues that need to be resolves.

  • Krysie

    Unless she went to an all girl’s school (like moi for four years) and is not a lesbian…then YES it is possible!!!

  • Miss September

    This is sad. I have experienced it from both sides. I have been on several dates in my life.On the other hand, I have had lots of come over and chill relationships. I think that I was waiting around for the guy to take the initiative to ask me out on a official date , yet it never came and that’s strictly because I allowed him to be comfortable coming over and chilling . I think if we ladies raised the standard like some of the previous posters stated we will have more guys trying to date us as opposed to coming over and chilling .
    I have to emphasize that we show people how to treat us, that goes for any relationship romantic or otherwise. If he isn’t trying to court you from the start, don’t stick around after. Chances he isn’t going to change .It’s like you just wasted time on a loser when you could have been out on date with someone who is worth your time.

  • kaya

    OMG i thought i was alone too!
    <3
    So glad for this article, sometimes I feel alone because no one talks about it like
    Something wrong with you if you haven't at "— age" its bad enough im awkward dont need to add to the list…

  • Harmony

    Some of the comments on here are bothering me but I think it has more to do with societal standards. I’m a 20 year old female that has never been kissed, is a virgin, and has never been on a date or had a BF. Guys have never asked me out either! Yet I don’t care. I’m more focused on my schooling and interests. Relationships and dating seem like hard work to me and I already have a lot problems as it is. I guess I’m selfish and weird. A lot of the people I know are the complete opposite of me especially at my age. I’m a bit of an asexual and very love shy. I know a lot of people on line that are virgins past 25. A lot of the media and society doesn’t talk about people who are late bloomers. People like me get a lot of harsh judgements and told that there is something wrong with us.

  • Melodrama

    @LynLyn

    “I don’t dress revealing or act a certain way when I’m out in public. I just keep to myself and mind my business and these thugs and senior citizens are always bothering me trying to ask me out on a date.”

    GIRL, YES. Somebody needs to inform these nightgown shirt wearing, dusty, saggy pants fools and old ass weirdos to SIT DOWN. I cannot tell you how many times I have gotten the demeaning “HEY BABY” shouted at me from a distance by one of these types. And it’s very true. They get pissed off when you ignore them or straight up tell them you’re not interested. Too many times to count that anger crossed over into harassment with me. It has been a jarring experience every time and unfortunately, makes me incredibly suspect of any stranger who approaches me these days. Which I know makes it difficult for me to be open to the good guys. But how can I be open and “put myself out there” (as all you other commenters have been harping about) when I’m expected to show an interest in them just because they “noticed me looking all sexy” as I’m pumping my gas??

    I’m 23 and my dating life is uneventful (never been in a real relationship either, folks! And I’m a virgin! Wooo, double minority!!). Hopefully it will become fodder for a sitcom when I get the time to write about it. I’ve been stood up on a first date, been dissed by TWO guys who initially agreed to go out with me when I finally worked up the nerve to ask then later changed their minds and one I was supposed to be talking to but then he got 5 minutes of fame and I quickly became an afterthought.

    To all of you who have been on 100 dates or are 30+ and married and want to dispense your wisdom to us sad 20-somethings who can’t “find” a guy, hush up! XD Everybody is NOT gonna have the same experiences as you. Stop rubbing it in (or insinuating that all dateless women must be ugly, fat and awkward. It’s not always us that’s doing something wrong). With my situation I think I’ve just been looking in the wrong places. I recently discovered a treasure trove of sweet, attractive nerdy guys of all colors at an Anime Convention. They were shy and I didn’t get approached a lot, but I was super flattered by one who did approach me directly, called me beautiful and kissed my hand before parting ways. Apparently, nerd conventions are where it’s at lol. And as long as I keep weeding out the douchebags, thugs and senior citizens, I’m optimistic about my dating prospects changing. PS — Tried online dating, it was STUPID. Just a bunch of horny guys who either want to sext after two messages or clueless ones who don’t want to date at all, they just wanna send 100 messages all day long! I don’t have time for that mess! *flips hair and exits, stage left*

  • overseas_honeybee

    @Isis. 32 is not old love :) I am set in my ways too LOL! but I do understand the power of compromise when needed.

    It’s good to know who you are and what you want off top so you can let a brotha know from jump. I encourage you to speak words of “life” to yourself because the energy you put out … is the same energy you will receive back.

    Take this time right now to get your house in order so that when the right man comes into your life you’ll be ready to rock his world spirtually, emotionally and physically :)

  • Luna

    I’m 26 and have never been on a date. I’ve only had one bf, when I was 14. I know someone who is 29 and has yet to go out on a date.

  • OSHH

    overseas_honeybee ITA!!!!!!!

  • OSHH

    African Mami, thanks hon, and ain’t no shame in my game! LOL.
    Proud to be this age and all the ways I am blessed!

  • OSHH

    Binks, yes!!!
    My comment that was lost yesterday *eye roll* was basically saying, I cannot and will not date someone cause I am bored, want a free meal, just get out, or gain experience dating and accumulate date miles just because o_O when I am not interested in the individual. I did that when I was alot younger and that is a waste of time and actually kind of selfish ,not only that, but it doesn’t translate over to when chemistry, compatibility, and mutual attraction is present, that;s a totally different animal.
    I am working on me in the meantime and not sweating it, you enjoy life alot more that way. I DO believe I will meet him one of these days, the man for me is a rare breed yes Binks, but I do believe he is out there and we will meet alot sooner than later.

  • LemonNLime

    I can’t agree more. If you are texting me to get to know me, it is a NO GO, DELETE. I don’t have time for all this other foolishness. If you are flaky in the beginning, that is just a sign of things to come and I want NO part of it.

    And I don’t need a expensive dinner or all that. Two of the best dates I went on were nearly free, one to the art museum and another was a picnic in the Commons – both of which he organized and he was nothing but a gentleman during them.

  • Srenda

    Ladies, enjoy the ride! Just don’t be a passenger. Take that wheel girl. You are the one who steers your life. Yes their will be friends with benefits and hook-ups and some of these might turn into lasting relationships even marriages. I’ve seen it happen. Learn to cultivate friendships with men. The guy you are sleeping with now may still be a guy 10 years later who will have your back if you develop a friendship with him beyond the physical. Life is funny like that. Guys want to be close, too, they are just scared. You want to do something a guy you like doesn’t want to do? Go by yourself or go with your homegirls because a guy who shares your interest might be at that event. Find out what you really like doing besides going to the movies and out to eat. What are your goals in life? A goal oriented woman tends to have higher self- esteem because she is not focused on getting a man to notice her per se. What kind of world do you want to live in how do you want to contribute to that world? Draw him into deeper conversations from jump if he’s like, well uh gotta go now or doesn’t call back then know he wasn’t into your intellect. What does he think about Obama’s policies? Romney? Where has he travelled to or would like to? What are his hopes and dreams? What’s his family life like? Raise the energy from the other head to the head on his shoulders. Get him thinking and feeling with all of who he is but first you have to think and feel with all of you, too. Learn to blow a man’s mind without blowing him.

    You want a relationship and not just casual sex? Learn to stimulate a man mentally physically emotionally spiritually before you let him enter into your temple. Ask questions. Draw him out. Share your heart, your stories your interest your experiences. Be friends. College is a time to experiment (safely, please) with sex and intimacy. Whatever happened to just kissing for the first couple of months. Then a little petting here and there. Make him weak for you. There is actually nothing inherently wrong with letting a guy come over some guys are broke. Just don’t let him get any. Easier said than done? I know. But it is possible. Make dinner together. Go for a walk then say bye bye. No willpower , then don’t try this method.

    Ok, real talk: Horny as hell and you are thinking about calling up that guy you like who never wants to go out on a date with you? Don’t do it. Masturbate instead. Tired of that or not into that pray, take a cold shower, exercise, read about what’s going on in the world. Focus on your goals, your education. Let the sex and the intimacy and the relationships with these guys be the icing on the cake. A guy is a human being, remember? He was once this little boy in such need of his Mother’s love and attention. He’s trying to find it any way he can get it. Be outstanding . Be a great human being. Life is much more than dates and marriage and having kids. Sometimes time runs out on the kid thing then what you gonna do? Sometimes you want to go out and eat and see that film, or go to church or that art opening with a man you care about but he ain’t around. So what you gonna do deprive yourself? There is a whole exciting world out there brimming with possibility. Find ways of doing things you want to do regardless of who you may or may not get to come with you. You can get married and have dates any time in your life if you want. I’ve seen it happen. Don’t believe the naysayers who say otherwise or say your dating life is over once you reach 35. Follow this advice and no matter what happens you will learn and grow and most of all have fuuuuuuun! Life is precious, remember….!

  • Leo the Yardie Chick

    You get no judgement at all from me, Harmony. *fist-bump*

  • OSHH

    I agree with most of this, but like you said he has to be open to thinking and feeling and sharing with you all that he his and vice versa, if he’s not then, on to the next one. Dating is a process of elimination and don’t be afraid to cut folks loose EARLY when you see they are not right for you.

  • 2Naturho

    I couldn’t agree with this article more! I’m 24 years old and a recent college graduate. I’ve only had one boyfriend, but I’ve never gone on a LEGIT date. I’ve been on a blind date before, but I don’t count that as a real date because a.) I didn’t know him from adam, b.) it was the worst setup ever (HELLdate!) I can sympathize with the writer of this article to a certain standpoint but at the same time you have to know what kind of situation you’re getting yourself into when a man is simply just texting you and not taking it any further than just coming over and “chillin.” But when that day comes where I get a legit date, I’m sure I’ll handle it smoothly…no rush, I’m still young :)

  • arie

    I think that it is only society that says that we should be doing certain things at certain ages, and in turn people feel pressured because of it. I don’t understand it.

    I think that there are TON and I mean a TON of people who have never truly been on a date, never had sex, etc and are 25+ , it’s just not spoken about.

  • MissyChris

    This was really sound advice!! Couldn’t agree more, if you want more than the physical, you better be more interesting than just the physical.

  • Demetrius

    “Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome ”
    Or “Mr. Tall , Light-Skinned and Handsome”

  • engtzgirl

    Harmony. Im 27 (yes 27) and still a virgin and gladly so. I think society pressures us into thinking we have to “do it” when we have gotten to a certain age. I definitively felt the pressure in my early 20′s (where you are now) but somehow managed to remain a virgin. I am waiting until marriage because I believe that it is God’s choice for me. I hate that you consider yourself a late bloomer. You are neither late nor early. It is just not the time yet. When time comes you will know.

  • Nat

    @melodrama Anime conventions huh? lol hmm I think I should go & see wassup lol. I’ve been asked out formally on a date once in hs, never been on a dinner/movie date, didn’t even have a date for prom :( & melodrama I’m a virgin too lol. I’ve found men/people in general don’t really want to hang out with virgins. But i know i made the right choice. I’m not worried about STDs, pregnancy, or heartbreak issues w/ guys. I will wait til marriage, but once I’m in medical school I will start having kids regardless if I’m married or not. I want kids before its too late. My mom doesn’t get to see/be with her grandchildren due to family issues, and she hopes that she will get to hold my children…she’s getting older :/ I figure, I’m gonna be a doctor anyways so I will be able support them financially. Anyywaysss, lol if any of you clutch ladies know what is up with this big dating mystery do tell. I hate those “come over my dorm & talk/chill” texts >=[

  • preciousJem

    I’m 28 (turning 29 in a few months) and ditto. virgin, never been kissed, love-shy, always keeping guys in the friendzone. I gather that I should feel bad (according to my family) but I can’t bring myself to settle for just any guy. I have some things I want in my life before i settle down ( a career, a house of my own, and some savings) that have been slow in coming during my 20s but the thought of sitting on my butt waiting for some guy to support me is emotionally painful and physically sickening. So I keep working. You are not alone.

  • preciousJem

    I’m almost 29 with master’s degree (lots of time on campus) never been on a date or in a relationship. Maybe you and your friends went out on a lot of dates but some of us didn’t and haven’t. it doesn’t make us less than.

  • Anon

    I refuse to see that mess on the title alone. Who wants to volunteer for that? I am not that curious.

  • MsMooreinDC

    Um. Bottom line is that if all a dude needs to do to get into a “situation” with you is send a few text messages, why the hell would he spend all that time, effort, planning and money to take you on a date?

    I’m not advocating the idea of making men “pay” for the goodies via expensive dinners and elaborate dates, etc…(that’s just an itty bitty step from hooker-dom), but c’mon…if you want to go on a date, the prerequisite for your time should be a date invitation, not a text message about “what’s going on with you…”

    No bueno.

  • Yevi

    Wow, never would have thought that dating is a big deal.

  • Glow

    I’m with you girl, and you are not alone!! At 25, I too have never had a boyfriend, been on a date, much less kissed a guy…and yes, I’m a virgin. I used to be embarrassed about it, where I would lie, but I began to figure that it just wasn’t my time, and one day it’ll happen for us, and well, good things come to those who wait—that’s what I like to believe.

    I’m also in my selfish 20′s phase, where I’m trying to do things for myself such as obtain a career and supporting myself, and like preciousJem said, those things are just coming slowly in our 20′s due to a number of factors not of our control (see the recession). On top of that society has made it worse for people like us in this boat with all the judgement making us feel like something is terrible wrong with us because we haven’t done certain things by a certain age—even our own parents make us feel this way, as I know my mom likes to brings up the fact that she was already married at my age. Ugh.

    It sucks, but just know you’re not alone and it won’t be forever—no matter what people will try and tell you!

  • CulturallyAware

    Oh yes Srenda! You got it!

  • CulturallyAware

    Love it grateful! First look good for you and then all the rest will fall into place! This is so true!

  • Kate

    I could’ve written this comment. I’m 20, never been on a date or kissed and guys don’t ask me out. I’m shy and it definitely doesn’t help to get to know people. So I don’t go out a lot but I like that. I can focus on me and my family more. And I think I may be a bit selfish but I don’t care. I like my life that way.

  • http://www.yahoo.com yemaya

    sometimes you dont have to classify everything. if you want to make an adult decision to enjoy a man’s company at your home or his home, so be it. eating and talking together can be very intimate and if it decides to go to another level just be clear about how you feel and what you both expect. sometimes sex is a form of healing, if you are two people that care about and respect each other. i was one of those sit on it and wait women, and to some extent i still am, but i also realize that being in the arms of a good friend can be healing and also teach you what you want in a mate. (which may not be each other) but in the meanwhile, it can be good for physical and emotional needs. life is about experiences so i definitely encourage women to (safely) explore, once they have set guidelines about what they want. some sisters wont have a special friend unless he takes them out. some dont require that but they need to talk often. find out the things you wont compromise on and be open about others. some of the other things you want will end up happening as you spend time together. you will get your dinner and dates. follow your own guidance and not anyone else’s advice and make sure to enjoy.

  • http://succulentwomenfindlove.com Trenia

    I’m a dating coach and I help women to create the life they desire and move past relationship trauma/drama so they can finally meet Mr. Right.

  • OSHH

    @ What a Black man thinks… you know this was alomost on point except who gives that kind of authority to someone they are just starting to date?
    Secondly being a leader is not a bout dictatorship at all. A husband who has that kind of authority in his household to make final decisions not only leads but serves and takes into full consideration, the opinions, thoughts and feelings of his partner who is his wife and helpmate, not subordinate.
    It is a partbership with each person in their respective role under the guidance and authority of GOD.

  • OSHH

    to this I say, “My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in glory.” and that includes the right kind of companionship without fornicating.
    It is about choices though and how people choose to go about life!

  • zuzi

    *Raises hand* Count me in. 21 years old and I’ve never been asked on a date. I wasn’t too stressed about it until other people’s nervousness made me think I was doing something wrong or wasn’t doing anything right so far. I’ve come to terms with being a late bloomer or just know blooming (my life, my timeline, right?). I guess it depends on how you look at it. Anyhoo, I can totally relate to the poster who said she never put much effort into her appearance and as a result didn’t receive much in the way of date offers. There’s something about a casual appearance (little to no makeup & ill fitting clothes) that signals to certain men that you’re laid back and low maintenance. Therefore, you’re low effort. It appeals to his laziness. You look like you just stepped out of the house and are soon to go back into it with him. Of course, appearances can be deceiving so take caution when rushing to conclusions on who a person is, their likes and dislikes solely based on how they look (I say this to the men and any woman pursuers).

    If your slacking in the appearance department, the best thing to do is play up the features that you like, be approachable, and wear that flawless makeup called confidence. This combination of things often sends the message to men that you are no play thing. You are the real deal and if he wants to get to know you as he is sure many men do, then the date offer will surely follow the introduction.

    The best thing I’ve learned about progressing in a relationship (past the first date) has been said previous times before in the comments. Here’s my cossign: Teach people who you are (gradual process) or who you want to become (defining process). Be honest and up front with yourself first (as in, date yourself. Get to know YOU!). Pay attention to how you feel in different situations with men to determine what you’re comfortable with and what you’re deal breakers are. I’m certain then that you can be upfront and have no illusions and it will be joyful to uncompromisingly communicate that to a potential boo thing.

    Besides, the beginning of a relationship is a screening process. If you want to go out on a date then suggest to your potential love interest your desire to do stuff in the public sphere. If he doesn’t budge from the couch or make advances that you can appreciate, then easy, just weed him out. Another thing, don’t keep him guessing about what you want. I think we underestimate how much the other person also might not know what to do. If he seems like the puzzled type, then throw him a clue. Both of you will be thankful for better communicating to the other and keeping the relationship ball rolling.

    Whew. I didn’t know I had that in me haha. Thanks clutch for the platform!

  • SMS

    Everyone has already put in their two cents but I had to comment and say that I really appreciate this article and all these women in their 20s not being ashamed to say that they haven’t dated or been in relationships yet. I too am 22 and a virgin to the entire relationship thing. I have friends and acquaintances who are like this too. I used to think I was abnormal but it is really more common than society wants us to think. I have come to realize that some of us have dated a lot and possess more relationship experience while some haven’t. There is nothing wrong with those of us who have less experience. Whichever side any person falls on is due to any number of personal and subjective reasons.

    So I am just working on improving myself, getting myself ready for that right man and staying open to meeting new people.

  • http://gravatar.com/gokingbeef bhillboy

    A lot of you women are 20-25. That’s not old maid status. Your supposed to be having your first real dates around now. A lot of the “hand wringing” in your comments sound borderline neurotic.

  • Stanley

    Actually, I was on a house date last night.
    Then, what is stopping you women from asking your man out on a date? I know if I wanted I would, why don’t you?

  • Dee

    I’ve never really gotten any actual pursuit from men. I’m 24. Never been kissed, never been on a date, never had a boyfriend, not even in high school. The most I’ve ever done was hold a guy’s hand, and that was when I was 16. The crazy thing is that people tell me I’m adorable frequently enough that I don’t think I’m physically unattractive. I run, I have a good job, and like to think that I’m outgoing and fashionable as a black woman. I have a good deal of female friends, and all my male friends are (attached) from high school. These last four years, I have been a bridesmaid three times and am the godmother of three different babies. While I’m genuinely happy for my friends, I am sort of becoming jealous and nauseous at the sight of other people in love. I feel like it’s an experience God may not want me to have in my life. What if I die without ever knowing what an orgasm is like? Love? Motherhood? A loving sexual relationship? I show up to events alone and lately have been declining hanging out with work friends because they are all married, engaged or dating and I don’t want to kill the mood being a depressing third, fifth, seventh, or ninth wheel. I have been going to the same church since childhood. I try and volunteer and donate blood and get out in new and atypical situations to meet new people, but just wind up as a friend. I converse easily with new people so I’m truly addled to why I honestly feel so invisible to men in this capacity. I truly, truly don’t feel as though I come off as pretentious. The three times I’ve approached men, they immediately turned the situation into a sexual proposition, and I really want to get to know someone before I decide to share my body with them. I mean, don’t ask me back to your house if you don’t even know my last name, that’s just ratchet. I’m beginning to feel so lonely and depressed, I’m border-lining. I don’t know how much longer I can go on feeling this way. I hope something changes soon.

  • confused

    Id just like to say that I really understand your feeling..this bewilderment as to why nothing has ever ‘happened’ despite stacking up in all areas (which is uaually what people tell you to work on) what is you have and still get nowhere thats more dissapointing than if you did nothing.. Its madness. I see too many insecure.. Dysfunctional and quite frankly uninteresting and unattractive people have great , long lasting relationships… It makes me question the advice people give about ‘working on yourself and it will come’ it might be good fir YOU to do that but it doesnt seem to bring in decent dates like people say

  • http://www.clutchmagonline.com/2012/06/true-life-i-have-never-been-on-a-date/ Ivan

    You are not adorable and guys are scared because they think you are a Feminist !!! OK . Lets be honest here . You have to ask them out .

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