True Story: He’s Trying To Turn Me Into the ‘Come Over & Chill Girl’
I’m not quite sure when it happened, when dating devolved into dudes just asking women to “come over and chill” instead of out on a proper date, but as a grown woman tired of the game, I think getting to know someone should happen outside the confines of your home.
Recently, I talked about realizing I have a type of guy that I’m attracted to. Despite dating all sorts of men, I typically end up with “different” guys—brothas who are slightly quirky or of a different culture than my own. I’ve dated Jamaicans, Ghanaians, Southern gentlemen, Brooklyn dudes, and now a black Frenchmen. Although they were all vastly different, they had something in common: they tried to trick me into being the come over and chill girl.
You know how it goes. You meet a cute guy, exchange numbers, and instead of asking you to hit up the latest Romare Bearden exhibit, he suggests you come over and watch movies, which is guyspeak for “I’m cheap and I want some ass.”
I won’t lie. I’ve fallen for the “come chill” request a time or two in the past, but after last year’s chillin’ debacle when a guy eight years my senior tried to make me feel childish for wanting to actually go on a real date instead of being cooped up in his apartment watching reality TV and dodging his wandering hands, I knew my come over and chill days were officially over.
But brothas keep trying. “Come over and chill” must be underlined in the international man handbook, because no matter where the guy is from, he will still try to work that tricky little number on you. The Frenchman certainly gave it a shot, but I nixed that idea before it had a chance to really hit the ether. However, some women aren’t so forceful in knocking down the request to chill and end up caught in the no-date matrix.
I know the dating game can be hard and often times annoying, but failing to require a man to meet your expectations—thoughtful gestures, planned dates, good manners–is no way to operate either.
Falling into the very frustrating trap of being the come over and chill girl is a dead end. Trust me. One day you’ll get tired of watching him play Call of Duty 35 for the 127th time and you’ll want to knock him upside the head with the remote.
Before it gets that far, just tell the next man you meet you want to get to know him the old fashioned way—outside of his house—and if he blinks, well, then he wasn’t worth the time anyway.
Have you ever been the “come chill” girl? How did you break out of that pattern?
LOL, I cringe when I hear “come chill”, had to dead that a longggggggggggg time ago
I have a guy friend who wants to date me so bad and thinks that the proper way to get me to hang out with him is to “drink, smoke, and chill” at his place. I’m not stupid. I know what that means. One day he kept asking to hang out. I told him he could come over if he didn’t mind hanging out with my family, and he says, “Naw, nevermind.”
I had another guy friend who was interested in me and after hanging out twice, he quickly fell into the “chill at my place” routine. I wasn’t attracted to him at all and hanging out at his house bored the heck out of me. One day he wanted me to hang out at his house again and watch movies. I told him that I could watch movies at my own house. He stopped talking to me and even started hiding from me at work!
So yea, I don’t do the come over and chill thing.
Ladies!!! Ya’ll need to stop this “coming over to chill” mess. Unless I see a ring and a newborn (and EVEN THEN), there is no reason to not be going on dates. Stomp that from the GET-GO. And if that’s the type of dude you normally date, then it is officially time to do a “come up”. Chillin’ ends in college as far as I know.
CHURCH! Speak on dat right there. I was one of the ones who fell for it in college but them days is ova. Total red flag for me.
YES!
The woman always set the stage from day one of how she expects to be treated from the first encounter, phone conversation, and first date. A man knows what type of woman he is dealing with and what he possibly can get away with. They see what they like and will pursue. So this coming over mess is only short changing yourself from the very beginning. I don’t recall accepting those terms in college. Even when it comes down to a man saying “hey baby” or whistling, I always tell my nieces never to walk up to him. And please do not lean over into his car. Let him come to you. He’ll walk across the parking lot, room or wherever to approach you as well as maintain your attention.
Great article!
Teach people how to treat you.
Yes!
That just happen to me recently. I met a cute guy and suggested that we should chill but instead I should “come over and keep him company”. Flat out told him no lets go walk in the park or something else…haven’t heard from him again. So sad that this is the mentality of some men out there.
It iss crazy that you suggested to go to a park which to my knowledge is free and he still turned you down. SMH.