True Story: He’s Trying To Turn Me Into the ‘Come Over & Chill Girl’
I’m not quite sure when it happened, when dating devolved into dudes just asking women to “come over and chill” instead of out on a proper date, but as a grown woman tired of the game, I think getting to know someone should happen outside the confines of your home.
Recently, I talked about realizing I have a type of guy that I’m attracted to. Despite dating all sorts of men, I typically end up with “different” guys—brothas who are slightly quirky or of a different culture than my own. I’ve dated Jamaicans, Ghanaians, Southern gentlemen, Brooklyn dudes, and now a black Frenchmen. Although they were all vastly different, they had something in common: they tried to trick me into being the come over and chill girl.
You know how it goes. You meet a cute guy, exchange numbers, and instead of asking you to hit up the latest Romare Bearden exhibit, he suggests you come over and watch movies, which is guyspeak for “I’m cheap and I want some ass.”
I won’t lie. I’ve fallen for the “come chill” request a time or two in the past, but after last year’s chillin’ debacle when a guy eight years my senior tried to make me feel childish for wanting to actually go on a real date instead of being cooped up in his apartment watching reality TV and dodging his wandering hands, I knew my come over and chill days were officially over.
But brothas keep trying. “Come over and chill” must be underlined in the international man handbook, because no matter where the guy is from, he will still try to work that tricky little number on you. The Frenchman certainly gave it a shot, but I nixed that idea before it had a chance to really hit the ether. However, some women aren’t so forceful in knocking down the request to chill and end up caught in the no-date matrix.
I know the dating game can be hard and often times annoying, but failing to require a man to meet your expectations—thoughtful gestures, planned dates, good manners–is no way to operate either.
Falling into the very frustrating trap of being the come over and chill girl is a dead end. Trust me. One day you’ll get tired of watching him play Call of Duty 35 for the 127th time and you’ll want to knock him upside the head with the remote.
Before it gets that far, just tell the next man you meet you want to get to know him the old fashioned way—outside of his house—and if he blinks, well, then he wasn’t worth the time anyway.
Have you ever been the “come chill” girl? How did you break out of that pattern?
Teach people how to treat you.
Yes!
That just happen to me recently. I met a cute guy and suggested that we should chill but instead I should “come over and keep him company”. Flat out told him no lets go walk in the park or something else…haven’t heard from him again. So sad that this is the mentality of some men out there.
It iss crazy that you suggested to go to a park which to my knowledge is free and he still turned you down. SMH.
Soooo every girl wants to go on dates and no women like to chill? I don’t think so. If you want real dates, yes, go ahead and tell the guy, turn down the chill requests. But please don’t assume every woman likes “the old fashioned way”. I don’t. It’s not that I’m falling for anything, I would rather get over for some chilling and whatever, than go on dates.
Also regarding the “never been on a date” article and all the “advice” that means you need a complete make-over to attract a man. Seriously? Taking care of oneself doesn’t neccessarily mean make up and weight loss!
And all this talk about “giving out sex”. What is this? The sixties? Is sex a good that you trade in for some behaviour? If you like sex, please go ahead and have it. If you don’t, don’t. If you’re annoyed with the way you’re treated, say so. But please don’t use sex as some sort of reward.
I would never use sex as a reward, but rather an expression of love and devotion not recreation to whomever at any point in time.
People do not value themselves at all these days and that is what is sad.
Sure you can chill, sometimes you want to chill but if that is someone sole means of courting you then for alot of people that is a problem and it should be.
Men have gotten very lazy, doing the barest minimum, boring, and unimaginative as result of alot of women not requiring much, outside of textin and chillin and then they wonder how they end up in some dudes rotation. Not you, but I am just sayin.
@ Oshh, I totally agree. Don’t take part of the rotation.
@Soe
If my grandfather was still alive, I MAKE him take you out to lunch and explain some things.
A man will go through a phone book (if they were still around) looking for a similar prounciation of your name if he is really interested. TRUST. That’s not old fashioned, that’s a fact. If a man isn’t putting in any effort to win YOU over, then best believe he’s saving up that energy for the woman he will really care about in the future.
I think this article (and others like it) are geared toward women who want to date and be in serious, monogamous relationships. If you want to watch half a DVD and have sex with no intentions of ever being more than that, then power to you. However, if you are looking for a husband, there should be a higher standard set for the types of men you would entertain. There are toooooooooo many women who are looking for a serious, monogamous relationship (that will possibly lead to marriage) and are going about it using the same tactics as half-DVD-sex-then-leave woman. Which makes no sense. If a man (and make him a reallllly sexy one, at that) came over to your house with a grocery bag filled with all the ingredients for beef tacos, you can’t expect him to use them to make you French toast.
You’re gonna get tacos.
Some men or even a lot of men may like putting in all that work, but as with most things, we are not all the same. I’m thinking you are generalizing a tad bit too much. I don’t like having to put in that much work and am extremely averse to the idea of having to win someone over. I like mutual attraction and interest, not having to convince someone of my merits. I certainly won’t be saving my energy to pursue someone that needs to be won over. My energy is better spent taking over the world.
@Ravi
TAKING OVER THE WORLD???? Bwhahahahahahaha! Dude puh-leaze!
You on here whining about some $40 dinner for a woman you love and then trying to spit out words about world domination? I TRULY hope there are readers learning a quick lesson in B.S. Mofo’s on the internet today.
@Anon,
where exactly was I whining? methinks you are confused about the meaning of the term. Whining would be lamenting about guys not taking you out on dates. And where was I talking about the “woman I love?”
I was merely pointing out your silly over-generalization. you ignorantly stated “facts” about what men will do and I have simply shown you that it isn’t true. Your “facts” aren’t true for me nor for a great many other men I know. I also hope that readers are learning a quick lesson on B.S. today. Don’t make stupid absolute statements about what 3.5 billion people will always do. Especially when you aren’t even one of them.
Ravi, if dinner is too much for you and the “men” you know, the proper words are broke-down punks. Thank the good lord for my father, grandfathers, uncles, and older cousins for teaching me who and what to avoid. Again, you’re on a WOMEN’S site trying to lay down “facts” instead of “dominating the world”. I can’t think of a single man in my family that would sit up on the “net” tellign women to not even expect a dinner date. That is straight trifing.
I mean really. A DATE is too much effort? You’re telling way to much on yourself right there.
Actually, I never said what was too much for me. And there is a name for women that judge men based on there willingness to buy you anything — the proper words are gold-digging whores. Too bad the good lord didn’t see fit to give your grandfather the sense to tell you all men weren’t the same and that the measure of a man has nothing to do with wanting to take you to dinner. Also unfortunate that he didn’t tell you that many men use buying you stuff expressly for the purpose of bedding you. Seems like he didn’t teach you a whole lot of useful information about men.
And just so we get this straight, I’m not the one coming up here pretending to spit facts. That would be you. I’m just showing that your ignorant comments aren’t facts at all. I never told a woman not to expect anything. Try reading what I actually type before posting another ignorant reply. The only thing I ever said from jump was that not every man wants to put forth all this effort to win a girl over. When did I say anything about buying dinner or the woman I love? Jumping on me for things I never said is straight trifling. Please do us all a favor and read more carefully before replying. you mischaracterizing everything that I say is telling way too much about yourself and your inability to comprehend written text.
Thank you so much brother for straightening this woman out. She clearly did not read your comments. The FACT is not every woman is worth the “chase”. The poor attitudes expressed on her, not to mention the lack of respect for men that I’ve read in this exchange prove that she is not worthy of my time, my money, my energy, nor my sex with such a negative argumentative attitude. Thank you brother for speaking on behalf of the millions of men that respect themselves and their money more than they do “impressing” certain types of women that aren’t it.
@ Soe,
Thank you so much for being the heretic. I think this whole idea of P…y being a commodity that men have to “earn” or outmaneuver women for is utter BS. That goes for men and women.
Having said that, as a man I must say that there are far too many young men who don’t have any interests that don’t involve a screen (sports, movies, video games) in the first place that they can take you to. Too many of them can’t give you an experience that they don’t have in their own lives. How I operate is to go with a woman to places I want to check out (historical sites, game nights, restaurants I like, some artsy thing, Black folk lecture series/events/programs museums). I hope that changes.
At the same time, the point of such outings and dates are to connect as a person and see if you have any vibe for something long-term. Often s3x is just the natural outcome of the connection. It isn’t to win someone over by “tricking”. For some men, there is that irrational fear that dating automatically equals blowing $100 on a steak dinner and not getting blown. They tend to see dating success in black-or-white terms…either you got some or you didn’t and it becomes too overwhelming to just “see where it goes” and spend money for that. For some women, there is this “I wanna get laid but not feel cheap”; it becomes about the ego. I hate when it ceases to be about the people and the vibe between them and what society will think of you if you don’t get the “best deal”.
“gold-digging whores.”
Hahahahaha! There has to be gold to dig for that to apply. Sounds like wooden nickels jangling in those pockets. I have NEVER IN LIFE known a man with any actual money that is on the look out for gold-digging W******.
“And there is a name for women that judge men based on there willingness to buy you anything” —– Dang on straight there is, it is called women with common sense. That “willingness” to buy you things, or PROVIDE tends to carry over into marriage, childcare, owning a home, keeping a job, furthering a career track, staying out of trouble, etc… .
” I don’t like having to put in that much work and am extremely averse to the idea of having to win someone over.”——–> I feel for whoever has been knocked down in life enough to accept this mess right here.
“Too bad the good lord didn’t see fit to give your grandfather the sense to tell you all men weren’t the same and that the measure of a man has nothing to do with wanting to take you to dinner.”—-> If dinner is too much to ask for why the HECK would a woman waste her time on a half-stepping dude?
I’m going to repeat this one, spelling errors and all —–>”Again, you’re on a WOMEN’S site trying to lay down “facts” instead of “dominating the world”. I can’t think of a single man in my family that would sit up on the “net” tellign women to not even expect a dinner date. That is straight trifing.”<—————— This.all.day.long.
And because this caught my attention as well
“not having to convince someone of my merits.” —-> When you have ACTUAL good merits, they tend to speak for themselves. Folks won’t need to be “convinced”. They are going to want to date you precisely DUE to said good merits. That’s what being a good catch is.
@Anon
JD/MBA from UVA means I could buy a dozen of you if I was in the market for gold diggers. I’m sure you probably haven’t heard of Darden, but use google then attempt to take the foot out of your mouth. If you have never in life met a man with money on the lookout for gold-diggers then I suggest you get out more. Most of my wealthy friends are vigilant about people just trying to use them for their wealth.
prostitute common sense maybe, but the professional black women that I know don’t need a man to provide for them. It’s called self-sufficiency; you should try it. maybe you should be looking for a partner as opposed to a meal ticket. Men that have to pay to get you are not likely to see you as much more than a prostitute.
Actually, I come across women that aren’t like you. They don’t need to be pursued or won over. They see enough merit in an educated, attractive, caring man that they don’t need me to put forth effort to win them other. The minute it becomes about winning and losing as opposed to getting to know someone and developing an actual relationship, then you are already screwed. Your juvenile take on male/female relationships is dated and useless. Grow up.
Once again, where did I say anything about paying for dinner being too much? Quote me if you can. Try reading more carefully, again I say. I never said paying for dinner too much. You were talking about going through the phone book, not paying for dinner. You were talking about putting forth massive effort to win someone over, not footing the bill for a dinner. I cover dinner with people I’m not trying to kick it with. Dinner isn’t effort. Dinner is less than nothing. Seems like you have been selling yourself kind of cheap if buying dinner is what it takes to win you over. Besides, I cook for the women I date. And I don’t do it to win them over. I actually enjoy cooking.
And please quote where I tried to lay facts. You keep getting it confused. That’s what you are doing with: men do this and men do that. I never said that women shouldn’t expect men to pay for dinner. find where I typed that. Quote me. Trifling = not reading before opening your big mouth.
Wow…… Once again you responded like a champ brother. Nothing like an educated, grounded, and sensible dude to put loud and loose cannon type women in their place. And yes…….. we all have our place.
I also was thinking the same thing about her being cheap because a “dinner” was all it took to win her over. At least that was the impression that she has been giving off thus far.
Narcissist! You sound like the man I just dumped. Always a justification for everything. I put up with not being a priority for him for quite awhile. And he made time to go out with his friends and never me so I bailed. When I asked about the going out to eat issue , a fight would breakout and his excuse was “exactly” like yours. You guys need to remember youre men not ladies. Most of you guys are acting like primadonna divas rather than gentlemen!
what constitutes being a good catch is in the eye of the beholder. for some people, it’s based on how much they are willing to spend on you. Apparently you are fond of guys willing to spend $40 for dinner (and where are dudes taking you and only spending $40; are you giving it up for Friday’s). Regardless, the very concept of winning someone over is rooted in demonstrating your worthiness to be with them as a romantic interest. If a girl already knew you were a good catch then you wouldn’t need to win them over. Winning them over implies that they weren’t already convinced that you were worth being with. Someone like Chris Brown (who by any rational standards is not a good catch) doesn’t have to win girls over. He doesn’t need to put forth effort and likely doesn’t even need to spend money for most women out there. This is because women are convinced of his merit based on their misguided standards. Intelligence, kindness, stability, ambition, etc. are not highly prized traits when it comes to far too many women that I come across in reference to initial attraction and getting in the door. These women have to be won over and I fail to see the point. My energy is better spent with my goals for changing the world.
But to each there own. by all means, continue to give it up for dudes willing to spend $40 on a cheap dinner. Such standards makes you patently mediocre. If there’s one thing I can’t stand more than having to chase after women, it’s mediocrity. So continue to do you.
Wooooooo chile. I didn’t know I was messing with UVA. And a JD/MBA??? Well let me sit on down.
You have GOT to be kidding me. Puh-lease. Like you’re the only one who went to a top tier school.
“If you have never in life met a man with money on the lookout for gold-diggers then I suggest you get out more. Most of my wealthy friends are vigilant about people just trying to use them for their wealth.” -> If they have to be THAT vigilant then who is in their circle in the FIRST place?
“I could buy a dozen of you”
“prostitute common sense maybe”
“opposed to a meal ticket.”
“you have been selling yourself kind of cheap”
“You were talking about putting forth massive effort to win someone over”
“the professional black women that I know don’t need a man to provide for them.”
“I come across women that aren’t like you. They don’t need to be pursued or won over. They see enough merit in an educated, attractive, caring man that they don’t need me to put forth effort to win them other.”
Hahahahahahahaha! Boo, you stay TRIFLIN! As the day is long. Going through the phone book is MASSIVE EFFORT???? People spend more time in line for an IPad(!) than the example I gave. Prostitue common sense? If prostitute common sense includes leaving mess like those quotes right in the dust where they belong then Sign.Me.Up. LAWD if this is what’s out in the streets these days parading as a man… because I refuse to believe that any of these adjectives —-> educated, attractive, caring <————– apply to you.
As a good man with a job, education, good looks, great conversation, Anon you sound really bad hell bent on not seeing any of the salient points that are being made. You have the type of vibe and spirit that turn good brothers off. This is constructive criticism so please don’t take this the wrong way as I’ve seen how you tend to react to someone with opposing views as you.
“This is because women are convinced of his merit based on their misguided standards. Intelligence, kindness, stability, ambition, etc. are not highly prized traits when it comes to far too many women that I come across in reference to initial attraction and getting in the door. These women have to be won over and I fail to see the point.”
TRIFLING. But I did laugh at that last sentence. You seem hung up on that $40 though.
“Regardless, the very concept of winning someone over is rooted in demonstrating your worthiness to be with them as a romantic interest.”———–> This level of LAZINESS and just showing up is why a lot of relationships and marriages end up not working.
Never said I was the only one. Just showing how you put your foot in your mouth with the wooden nickles comment. But there aren’t a lot of us in top ten MBA or JD programs. I’m in both. and any of us that make it through… well let’s just say money isn’t really an issue. But I’m sure you know all about that. Where did you get your MBA from again?
All you really have is silly ad hominems. You’ve been trying to go in from jump just because I begged to differ with your ignorant absolute statement about what men do.
never said they had to be THAT vigilant. doesn’t take much to spot the classless, money-hungry rats from a mile away. They are the ones that complain about guys not buying them anything and show that they base a man’s worth on his willingness to spend. In my experience, women that have their own tend not to have such a focus. But far be it from me to generalize. I recognize that all women are different. You base your assessment of men on what they give you, and if that works for you, do your thing. I’ll be chilling at the crib enjoying quality time with a woman not so focused on material things.
But notice that nothing you quoted even remotely resemble what you claimed I was saying. I see you’ve mastered the copy and paste functions; next step will be using them to copy and paste something relevant. going through a phone book to find a similar pronunciation of your name is very time consuming. Some men might put up the effort but to insist that all men would do such a thing is just nonsense.
I’m not hung up on the $40, you are the one that brought it up. I’m just pointing out that I never said anything like what you misread me as saying concerning the $40. you pulled it out of your ass. The only laziness i’m seeing is with you and your reading.
“I’m sure you know all about that.” —-> I don’t have an MBA, but I am considering grad programs right now, thanks for asking though!
“doesn’t take much to spot the classless, money-hungry rats from a mile away.” —-> If you were in the right circles, they really wouldn’t be around you.
“In my experience, women that have their own tend not to have such a focus.” ——> In my experience, women who have their own are checking for men who can carry THEIR OWN weight and also be a provider. That is basic life planning right there.
“I’ll be chilling at the crib enjoying quality time with a woman not so focused on material things.”———-> So a few pages ago on this very post, on 3(?), you were saying that women do nothing but reject you all day long, even with a UVA JD/MBA. So I do hope that you are able to find that woman who is not focused on material things and no effort, because it looks like the “material things” aren’t really working in your favor to land anyone.
the thing about rats is they are everywhere. they tend to infiltrate many circles. I’m not the one worried about it; that’s my wealthy friends that need to root out the gold-diggers. While I’m certainly well off, I’m not a millionaire. My wealthy friends have millions and they are the ones that need to watch out. I do carry my own weight, that’s not the point. We are talking about carrying the woman’s weight; paying for her stuff. A woman with her own doesn’t need to have a man pay for everything and many of the women I know don’t have a man do so.
And where did I say I only get rejected? I get rejected a lot, but I also get a win every now and then. If you read everything I wrote (I know it’s hard) then you would have seen where I give multiple reasons for being rejected. Some of the girls don’t date black men. This has nothing to do with money. But the thing is, I’m not using my material things to get women. That’s my whole point. So of course they aren’t working in that regard. I’m not going to buy a woman, because the woman you end up with was bought (which makes her what?).
But once again, you do you. see how it works out for you.