7 Signs He Won’t Make a Good Husband

by Demetria L. Lucas

Screen Shot 2014-03-13 at 7.35.50 PMI read an article yesterday: “7 Signs You Might Not Make a Good Wife.” It was another to add to the expansive list of “Hey, Black Girl, This Is What’s Wrong With You and Why You’re Not Married” stories.

Sigh.

For anyone whose ever had a breakup, tried to blame the downfall on their partner, and then managed to discuss it with a level-headed friend, the clichéd advice you heard was probably something like: It takes two to tango. Yes, two. Count ’em — one, then two. That means you, and if you’re hetero, him, too.  Which is why I don’t understand why there is so little dating/relationship material aimed at men. Even men who write about relationships dedicate most of their time to telling women how to be better women. What about the men?

Men can’t just be chilling while women are out here trying to transform themselves into what one of these 50-11 million articles says we should do to snag a may-ann. Not only is not fair, it’s guaranteeing relationships still won’t ever work. It takes two, remember? Two! One, then two.

Does anyone realize that if women en masse ever took all this advice, and collectively got all their ish together, there would still be a huge relationship problem? There’s not suddenly going to be a stampede to altars across America of mature, marriage-minded men springing up from the couch in somebody’s basement where they’ve been biding their time, hosting Madden tournaments or swilling copious amounts of cognac. The problems in relationships will still exist, will always exist, when only one half of the pair has been doing the work to make it better. Anyone currently in a relationship of any sort will tell you that’s not just a headache, but a recipe for imminent implosion. Sigh.

But I’m not here just to rant. Oh no. I’m here to help a brotha out, too. Allow me to offer “7 Signs a Man Won’t Make a Good Husband.” Share it with a man who needs to know.

1. Blames Women for Everything
Seventy-two percent of black kids are born out of wedlock. You’d swear women were getting themselves pregnant. The daddy who didn’t even offer to put a ring on it? He must have been run off by an independent women. No matter the subject — the economy, the melting ice caps, global warming — you can be counted on to find a way to tie it back to a woman (and her damn feminism). No woman in her right mind wants to come home to hear that crap. Please sign up for therapy. Now.

2. Is Emotionally Unavailable
I get it. Men are socialized to be stoic. No one’s asking you to bawl like a child when you’ve had a bad day at the office, but this whole “I’m just not going to talk/answer the phone; I’m going to drink myself into a stupor” and every time someone asks, “What’s wrong?” you lie and say, “Nothing” is pure-D BS. That, my friend, is a mismanagement of communication skills. Take some time to brood, and then learn how to open up to your partner without thinking it’s a sign of weakness.

3. Doesn’t Know How to Lead
Every Indian is not a chief, and every man is not a leader. Having a penis does not somehow grant you the specified skill set and mental capacity to know how to inspire others, i.e., lead. Leaders are not self-appointed and they’re not all talk. They are chosen by the people who believe in them because of their example and vision. If you have no followers, despite your proclamations that you are a leader, you’re no leader. You’re just the boy who cried, “Chief!”

4. Refers to Women as “Females”
This is an indication of either your lack of education or social grace. You are insulting half the population with this “female” talk, and you don’t even know it. You don’t deserve to have a wife if you can’t even recognize that an adult human with vagina is called a “woman.”

5. Is Obsessed With Looks
Lord knows, I love a good-looking man. I do, I do, I do, I do. But geez, a wide, broad back isn’t something to decide marriage material by any more than a fat *ss is. You have to have some intrinsic traits, too. You need some character if you expect a union to last even a little while. If you’re older than 25, contemplating major life decisions based on a woman’s dress size or her waist-to-hip ratio, boy, bye.

6. Thinks Women Are Supposed to Be Submissive
I know the Bible says it. But it’s been a month of Sundays since you saw the inside of a church, and while you can pull a quote out here or there, like most people, you’ve never read the Good Book. If you did, you’d know the verse about submission is about wives submitting to husbands and husbands submitting to God. If you don’t have a close personal relationship with the Lord — and yes, I want to see you in the church and tithing — don’t even mention submission.

7. Uses “Bitch” Synonymously With “Woman”
This doesn’t just apply for the rapper/block-hugger set. This is also the domain of so-called “good-ass men” with degrees, mortgages, and otherwise appropriate manners.  No worthwhile woman is looking at you like a prize when you’re constantly dropping “b-bombs” to refer to “females.” We’re well aware if you say it about other women, then someday you’ll be saying it about us.

Demetria L. Lucas is the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life, now in paperback. Follow her on Twitter at @abelleinbk.

  • Tam

    I really enjoyed this!!! It appears that a lot of the men that happen to call women females are so misguided. They want it “all” and are willing to give very little. Not only do that want to give little, they are beginning to become really arrogant about it. As if women should feel so fortunate to get the “little” that’s there….

  • Nigerian sista

    I completely agree with this article. Women are always expected to develop themselves spiritually, character, and be the perfect wife or girlfriend as well as look good all the time, and men (that i have come across) don’t invest in their spiritual lives or develop their character positively. Its give and take.

    Wish i had read something like this a while back, would have saved me some heart ache. But hey, life is all about experience i guess. I will keep developing myself inside and outside until the right man with the same moral comes along.

  • Ms. Information

    Word Demetria! I read it too…great article…it takes two people in their right mind to pull a marraige off.

  • my_reply

    Yea. I think relationship experts know it’s mostly women on the web reading these types of articles and buying books in the bookstore. Black women have been told left and right about what they’re doing wrong. Do you think Steve Harvey would ever write a book about telling guys what to do? No. Because he knows a bunch of black men aren’t going to buy a relationship book that tells them to do this and that. They know black women will buy books and click on any article that is supposed to tell you what’s wrong. You better believe with the way these books sell and number of readers for these types of articles that there are plenty of black women out there following their be submissive, fix me a sandwich, have sex with me advice only to be met with losers who want you to come over and chill or use your body for years without committing.

  • Right as Rain

    I agree with everything said here.

  • http://twitter.com/lyneka lyneka little (@lyneka)

    I’d wager a bet to say you shouldn’t even consider dating these type of men. Forget husband material.

  • Real Perspective

    So women aren’t “females” now? How exactly is that an insult to most women now?

  • http://www.clutchmagazine.com Clutch
  • sleeper

    Sooo #4 and #7, they couldn’t have been lumped under the same sign?

  • http://lovestutter.blogspot.com Sydnie

    I don’t blame you for going in on that hot mess of an article. I think most of those “7 signs” were so common sense, that those out here selling this “advice” must think we are absolute idiots. #icant Thanks for the rebuttal.

  • No m’am

    Great article!!! Love the new look on the site, this is niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice *southern bell accent* ;)

  • Right as Rain

    I came across this article a few days ago, and I think it goes along with what you said here.

    http://wildcougarconfessions.com/?p=1571

    In the blog, she talks about why women should ignore dating advice from men.

  • mortal

    “It takes two to tango. Yes, two. Count ’em — one, then two. That means you, and if you’re hetero, him, too. Which is why I don’t understand why there is so little dating/relationship material aimed at men.” – THANKYOU!! Arrgh I could write so much but when one person tries to do the job of two, it doesn’t matter how much that one two tries their will always be issues.

  • mortal

    couple of mistakes in there forgive me i am tired.

  • http://twitter.com/TruNedu Chinedu Michael (@TruNedu)

    Ok relationship adviser, could you please explain how I don’t fall under any of the seven categories above (seriously not one) and I almost 200 years (not really more like about 30) and have nothing going for me relationship wise.

    I never blame women for anything (cherish then cos I didn’t have my Mom around for long)

    I’m almost always emotionally available so much some ladies have abused that.

    I have been a leader just about all my life, my portfolio there just about overflows.

    I don’t refer to women as “females” but often prefer the term “ma’am” even to much younger women.

    I’ve never really been obsessed with looks, although I’m partially geeky and can be obsessed with techy stuff … ok I am a geek I do write programs every now and then.

    I don’t think women are supposed to be submissive but sincere. And I am submissive to God. I do pay my tithes and I’m so close to God and my Pastor that I do get invites once in a while to minister on Sundays.

    I have never used the term “Bitch” to refer to a woman.

    So how do you explain how a guy who tries so hard (It really is not easy when everyone around is doing otherwise) can’t find a woman to complement that. It’s really tough you know.

  • Darlene

    As soon as I saw this article I had to take some time out to send you a big THANK YOU. I am married so currently I can’t relate with all these articles about single black women, but it’s been so frustrating reading and hearing about so many articles and books about what black women are doing wrong. Thanks again.

  • Ms. Information

    We are out here! Don’t give up!

  • Right as Rain

    Okay, I hear you, but you have only told us what you want us to know. There could be something about you that doesn’t attract the women who you are attracted to.

  • sweetaspie31

    It erks me to no end when I hear a man call a woman a fee-mel.

  • http://gravatar.com/hesgottahaveit hesgottahaveit

    This is ridiculous. Only like 2 make any sense and are relationship relevant.Need more male writers out there.

  • Gfkag

    I think number 5, is hard to find a man who isn’t visual. Not saying all men cheat but either you both have to be on the same level in looks or he has porn or a part time lover.

  • http://twitter.com/ShareefJackson Shareef Jackson (@ShareefJackson)

    Great article but I disagree with #3. Or maybe I just need more clarification on your definition of leadership. I don’t believe the man should always lead in a relationship. That’s a specific type a-ish personality that not every man has, and it’s unfair to think that those are the only types of men that make good husbands. It really depends on the dynamics of the two involved.

  • leonard smalls

    Interesting article; however, allow me add that the state of Colored heterosexual relationships (relationships) is best analyzed in its proper context. Specifically, these particular types of relationships must be analyzed through a societal lense, wherein the influence of society on these relationships is also taken into account. For example, questions such as “who benefits from the current state of Colored heterosexual relationships,” “how does the subserviant role that Colored people currently find themselves in influence their romantic relationships,” and “what are the results of Colored couples attempts to emulate the dominant’s groups’ romantic dynamics?” These are just a few of the plethora of questions that arguably need to be discussed when analyzing relationships. Be not mislead, a failure to analyze the matter in its proper context will almost always result in a massive scapegoating event where men and women degrade each other.

    This has to stop.

    Carry on.

  • http://gravatar.com/godivabap godivabap

    ” If you don’t have a close personal relationship with the Lord — and yes, I want to see you in the church and tithing — don’t even mention submission.”

    Preach! And the church said, Amen.

  • http://twitter.com/rahlowjenkins tom scheer (@rahlowjenkins)

    Even the darn picture associated with this article is about the ring and material stuff. Good grief. :)

  • http://twitter.com/Echidiime @echidiime (@Echidiime)

    I think the part about submission and the fact that a man must be a leader are in conflict with each other. If you are looking for a man to be a leader, than prepare to be led (aka submit).
    I have personally come across a number of men my age and there about who are looking for a partnership – not every guy wants to be an alpha male and I think some of us out there would be doing ourselves a favor if we acknowledge such – especially, if you intend on being a career woman and wife and mother who hopes their husband would carry some of the weight in domestic duties as well.

  • Laugh

    I cringe when a man says female. It’s like they are talking about a dog so disrespectful. I can’t even have a conversation with a person that ignorant.

    Even the most disgusting slob of a man thinks he deserves a woman who is a 20 on a scale of 1-10 when he isn’t even a 1. This isn’t all men but it’s becoming increasingly noticed.

    Good article. It’s a mans world and we need to take it back!

  • http://twitter.com/TruNedu Chinedu Michael (@TruNedu)

    You see, right there is the problem, they always think there’s something else. I on the other hand think that as long as you truly stick with Jesus I believe we can work anything else out. I know I’m not perfect … but I think even God being perfect Himself does not demand perfection from us … why women want perfection is above me.

  • Yulez

    Cosign.

  • igbokwenu

    How do you treat a woman? How is your tone towards a woman? Are you sincere? Pastors have walked with the Lord, but they molest children, beat children, take naked pictures of themselves, sleep with women who are desperate to get pregnant, beat women, and the list is endless. You can sleep in the church and use the robe of your priest or pastor to clean your behind, that does not say anything about your character.

    Ask the women you have been with what the problem was? Were you too nice? If so, dont play all your cards at the same time? Instead of being nice, why not respectful. They mean two different things. You say you are a geek, so are you into things non-geeky? I can go on and on.

    And I can see you are Igbo…Chinedu is a lovely name. I am Igbo too….Igbo men have a reputation sha…..Do your research!

  • http://gravatar.com/mrhymes10 DBG

    What’s sad is that someone will read this not looking at themselves in the mirror to find their own flaws, but perpetuate their self-imposed victimization.

    Whatever. (shrug)

  • http://twitter.com/TruNedu Chinedu Michael (@TruNedu)

    Like I said I don’t argue that I don’t have my flaws … but I embrace change, as long as it is in accordance with the Bible, I am happy to change. I think that’s kind of the point of a relationship to help build/complement each other.

    Having said that, you have to admit that there are many women out there who will find even Jesus heavily flawed and need him to change his ways to suit them.

  • Youwishyoucouldbeme

    Well said!

  • NTG

    In other words stop dating black men. Gotcha!

  • Dalili

    @Real Perspective: The term female is all inclusive and covers all manner of species; the mole rat, anaconda, vervet monkey, giraffe, pit bulls, slugs, tse tse fly…you get the gist. It dehumanizes. Woman or girl is specific to the human race and therefore more appropriate. Besides I don’t know of any women, girls or men for that matter who refer to men or boys as males.

  • http://rawkfanatics.wordpress.com rawkfanatics

    lol black women are so funny, but of course i will get yelled at even tho the article is seriously garbage.

  • Meagain

    ‘I think the part about submission and the fact that a man must be a leader are in conflict with each other. If you are looking for a man to be a leader, than prepare to be led (aka submit).”

    I so agree with what you said. I disagree with #4 #6. I think this site should get more male perspectives (male writers) they seem to be written to play on the emotions of us Black woman, which tends to be one sided.

    In everything, we must be submissive. I mean think about it, when you are on your job you have a boss, who you must submit to. If go to church, you are under a pastor. If you are in a relationship with God, you have to submit to him. So, if you can submit to another man, then why not the man that you see as your potential husband. It would show disrespect to not be submissive to someone in the position of leadership. SMH this feminism stuff is getting on my nerves.

  • Erin

    So True! And I bought that damn Steve Harvey book too. LOL. I’m a well-educated, spiritually-minded, professional black woman who finds that often men can’t match me where I am in my life. We are expected to be these “great catches”, but men don’t seem like they have to work nearly as hard as we do to find a spouse or a love partner. I think it’s because women and society don’t hold them to the same standards as women.

  • Lovejoy1249

    Number 5 really touched me! I was dating a guy that seemed like we could have a future, until we started talking about appearances. I have been natural all my life, born with the curly hair lol. He told me that I need to get rid of the look and that as long as I am with him I need to always wear my hair straight. He even said that on our first date he was embarrased by my curly hair. Granted…he met me with curly hair! SMH lol

  • cocochanel31

    Loooove this!!! Preaaaach ! All these men walking around like Gods gift to toilets because they have a nice car or a good job, yet lack integrity, character and empathy. Get your non tangibles together first FELLAS then holla at me

  • http://Yahoo.com Sharon

    This was the best article I have read in along time, even though it’s table talk for alot of ppl, including myself every chance I get.This is a very serious topic for men and women both. As you can see, we are not alike on the issue.I feel so strong about this article because weather you know it or not this issue is the very coexistence of black ppl in relationships. All your points were valid and true, and if we don’t acknowledge this everyday, we should just stop growing as a race due to the future’s massive drop of relationships among black women and men. I feel there is a lack of knowledge in our day to day role as friend’s, lover’s, couples in marriage and over all families in general. If you believe in the word of God, there is a reason the book of revelations is being fulfilled, because ppl are losing their Godly behaviors. So if you don’t like this article, and find it’s not worth talking about everyday, then you are the mere reason we as black ppl and ppl in general are tumbling down and one day like the dinosaurs, WILL BE EXTINCT!!!!

  • http://Yahoo.com Sharon

    I wish I could meet you! You are RARE in yours words, I hate to say that but its true.

  • http://Yahoo.com Sharon

    What is the reputation of an Igbo man?

  • Felicia

    I love Ms Lucas!! Just love her! Great article. And Funny as hell AND so true!

  • Misty_Moonsilver

    I’m sorry. I guess I’m not included in this because my bf isn’t black.
    So sad. It seems like this article is meant for black couples.

  • http://www.facebook.com/maya.edmondson Maya Edmondson

    This is a breath of fresh air. It seems like there is some kind of assault going on on black women and I don’t know what is going on. So nice to be presented with the other side. Thank you.

  • Me

    I have to agree. If we’re gonna make a response to all the women-get-right out there, let’s make it a serious list of men-get-right. I can’t relate to anyone seriously trying to marry the man calling women hoes.

  • http://twitter.com/Clnmike Tonton Michel

    “Because he knows a bunch of black men aren’t going to buy a relationship book that tells them to do this and that.”

    Black men are not going to buy books period. We got better things to do.

  • http://twitter.com/Clnmike Tonton Michel

    I thought that was a bit vague too.

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    Chinedu,

    Goodafternoon!! My name is African Mami. Eh, based on what you have presented, it seems that you and I can go back to the motherland (assuming you are in the diaspora) and become the Barack and Mitchell of it! So, oooya! Contact me. I’m prone to craziness but it should not be a problem! I promise to show you a GREAT time. No more worrying about why you are not in a relationship. *ahem ahem*

  • Nuck If You Buck

    I feel the same way! And it feels recent, doesn’t it? I mean, it just feels like a Black woman-bashing free for all, or something! It’s so frustrating, especially when I try to be the best person I can, only to have so many people already have “statistics” and stereotypes to throw at me all…the…time.

    I feel like once I get my money all the up, no one can tell me “nuttin’.” Money=Power and all these broke, loud-talkin’ boys won’t even be able to say nothinnnnnn,’

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    Jesus is perfect. Hallowed be His name! Having said that..

    If somebody delves into a relationship with the mindset of changing them, that relationship is headed for a disaster of epic tsunami proportions. Assuming that you are dating an intelligent woman, she should realize from jump that “human is to err, as error is to human.” As such, instead of wanting to change the flaws they should be look to embrace them.

  • Me

    I concur. Men shouldn’t have to live up to stereotypes either.

  • simplyme

    I hate to “male bash” but especially in relation to 1, 4, 5, and 7 it seems like some guys get their pride or drive(future pride) from material success, money, looks, how their woman looks to other men, and other really superficial things because of the false standards our culture has set to be considered a “good man”. What happened to basic character traits like honesty, integrity, humility, kindness, and loyalty?

    They see women as accessories and a means to their own happiness instead of individual people who are full human beings. Theres a prevailing sentiment that women have sex and looks to offer in exchange for men who offer stability and money. It seems like even educated men buy into this fallacy. What happened to lasting partnerships between 2 imperfect people based on a deep connection rooted in similar values and complimentary character traits??? Looks are fleeting and income is unreliable.

    This is why I think Black marriage rates have been dipping for both men and women. Our priorities are kind of screwed up. I’m going to pull an O’Reilly and just blame it on hip hop music….

  • http://twitter.com/TruNedu Chinedu Michael (@TruNedu)

    @igbokwenu Like I said before I can’t argue that I am perfect but I am willing and happy to learn and change to new ways for the right reasons, as long as it conforms with the word of God. I believe that’s one of the functions of a relationship for us to complement and support each other and help each other be better.

    Having said that there are some women who will find even Jesus flawed and want Him to change His ways to suit them.

    @Sharon Thanks!! Wish I could meet you too.

    @African Mami LOL!! Good one. Like your blog too.

  • http://twitter.com/TruNedu Chinedu Michael (@TruNedu)

    True talk. But even the good book says “The righteous man falls seven times but gets back up again.” What makes him righteous is that he is able to change and get back up.

    As Christians we should be humble enough to consider every opinion according to the Word and not be too proud to change if we find that we have gone amiss or missed it some where.

  • 3D

    You sound like me a year ago. As a geek, you will NEVER be good enough for U.S. black women. They only want party animals and thugs. You’re better off going outside the race. They’ll be pissed about it, but just remember that they weren’t trying to date you when you were trying to date them all those years.

  • KommonSense

    Could not have said it better myself.!!!!

  • Ladybug94

    Demetria, this is a good article and spot on.

  • MsZMC

    I dont think those reasons are really relevant to why he wouldnt make a good husband. I was expecting this article to be a little more serious and a little less emotionally enraged….

    This would have been a better list of why he is READY to be a good boyfriend. And some tips on how to deal with men who are doing those things woulda been nice.

    Sorry, not an article I was expecting to read on Clutch.. maybe someones personal blog instead…

  • Leina

    You know it’s a demetria lucas because she constantly uses the words: cliched and En masse it’s time to pull out that thesaurus

  • Zenista

    “Every Indian is not a chief” that’s a bit racist no?

  • Marketgirl305

    It’s the derogatory way in which they say it.

  • http://www.lifestylebyky.com Kydee Kristina

    Yeah So I am going to Name Drop…when I think of the whole blaming woman for men’s slack all I can think is that book Act Like a Lady Think Like A Man…I feel that Steve Harvey puts a lot of blame on woman being too independent or too this and no blame on the men and how they are lacking in a lot of areas…the men get away with murder while the woman has to change…it aint right…preach on with this article! Preach!

  • Blue

    #4…”Refers to women as females” ummm really? He could use a word far worse like say “b**tch” Is “female” really that serious. Get a grip.

  • Blue

    No…

  • Meme

    Some parts I agree with, others are a bit off the mark. Case in point-#2.Men who are ‘emotionally unavailable’ & don’t communicate. I mean, that’s true of almost 100% of their gender. They don’t wanna discuss Basketball Wives or the latest slingbacks or even our office gripes. That’s what girlfriends are for. Everything else is pretty on the mark. Especially #1.

  • E

    #4…”Refers to women as females” ummm really? He could use a word far worse like say “b**tch” Is “female” really that serious. Get a grip.

    Poor, poor woman. Bet she is single too. Stop begging for patriarchal scraps, women! It sounds so close to “Pick me, brotha1″

  • tremayne d. houston

    gay population on the rise in T.minus 4,3,2..

  • tremayne d. houston

    seriously, no im not gay but damn i have dated other “Women” of other races and they use just as much tissue as Darkies. Women are a Wasteful species. Not enough trees in the world.. I mean come on They have to wipe their fronts and behinds.. Think about it..

  • dee

    when I read dating articles from clutch I realize how low the expectation of black women are. In certain cultures you wouldn’t even have to add “doesnt call women a b***” Its a given!!! This list as far as I am concern are the basics, besides number 2 ive never been with a man who does any of the things on this list!

  • http://gravatar.com/todra T. Payne

    Wow. This comment is just as sexist as the things the author is pointing out. My man is very available and can communicate. He will talk about anything that I am interested in, even if he’s not particularly excited about the topic (however I don’t waste my time watching trash like Basketball Wives so he’s safe on that one). I have several male friends who are FAR better at communicating and being empathetic than some women I know. Don’t do to men the very thing we don’t want them doing to us – stereotyping.

  • http://gravatar.com/todra T. Payne

    Thank you! So well said. I feel the same way.

  • http://gravatar.com/todra T. Payne

    I think black women are being bashed because of the dominance of stupid reality shows depicting black women as materialistic, bitchy, snarky, illiterate trash. Seriously. And some black women tune in and support the ratings, so the shows continue.

  • http://gravatar.com/todra T. Payne

    I hope you kicked him to the curb – with a blond wig! lol

  • http://gravatar.com/todra T. Payne

    I have never dated a party animal or a thug. My man’s actually a travel photographer (no, that’s no code for drug dealer). So obviously you’re speaking about a particular type of black woman with a particular mindset. Just setting the record straight.

  • http://www.facebook.com/timekaj Timeka Jacqui

    Yes. They had to wipe you all over too.

  • http://www.facebook.com/timekaj Timeka Jacqui

    “Jesus is perfect. Hallowed be His name!”

    Amen!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/lasaundra.watsonlegate Lasaundra Watson-Legate

    Valuable information to have before you take the plunge. I was surprised to learn how many heterosexual men are angry with and resentful of women.

  • Keepitreal

    I’ve never in my life encountered women being called “female” WTF??? The only place I’ve encountered such utter disrespect has been on line (wait for it) on black websites. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess Crappers started this trend?

    The need to have “You should be recognized as a member of the human race” on a relationship list is all kinds of sad.

  • paul

    Damn

    I blew 1-6 off coz I failed on all of em – but I was willing to negotiate

    until I got to number 7

    no compromise no sell out on that one.

    No se puede hacer

    Take that away from a man and ya leave him wid nuttiing

    that’s too much to ask any black man you’re tryna leave us defenseless, turn us into some kinda

    FOREST CHUMP.

    LMAO!

    nah – I don’t think so

    and anyway, being a 7/7 hasn’t left me without FEMALE company.

    7 is my lucky number.

    get some

    LMAO!

    ps

    @humorless ball breakers

    get yours

  • tc

    2keep it real: i have once encountered a conversation where a guy used “females.” It went like this: “we have already invited enough females …” Excuse me WTH??? Thanks for putting it out there D. Lucas.

  • Emanuel

    “I know the Bible says it. But it’s been a month of Sundays since you saw the inside of a church, and while you can pull a quote out here or there, like most people, you’ve never read the Good Book. If you did, you’d know the verse about submission is about wives submitting to husbands and husbands submitting to God. If you don’t have a close personal relationship with the Lord — and yes, I want to see you in the church and tithing — don’t even mention submission.”

    Real Men do not read the word, they “STUDY” it daily and from this comment my sister, I suggest you do the same… Real Men Love the Lord as Christ instructed us to and we stand strong in our faith, we do not lean not sway for anyone or anything. Church going is viewed as a form of Merit by many, FYI, God is not a God of Merits, we all shall be judged by how we treat, interact with one another… The Hebrew scripture taken out of context does not mean what many try to use as a judging tool on others, “Study to show thine self proven unto GOD” NOT MAN! Please understand Christ teaching, and see where Jesus brought all followers from underneath the traditional Religious acts, then and going on now today, the ways of the Pharisees… So my Sister, Real men stand and are judge by women whom will not and cannot accept the WHOLE word of God becasue of their carnal mindsets… 1 Cornithians 2:14 and many many more… Live as a daughter of God and ye shall see the Light and not hear it …..

  • Prinsca

    i just want to share my experience and testimony here..my name is Prinsca i was married for 6 years to my husband and all of a sudden,another woman came into the picture.. he started hailing me and he was abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost?then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn’t know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned the kids.. so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster?so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn’t believe in all those things? then when he did the special prayers and spell, after 2days, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn’t believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy..in case anyone needs this man, his email address [email protected], his spells is for a better life. again his email is – [email protected]

  • ladyt

    After reading this article I’ve realized that black men and white men are different white men don’t do most of the things on the list maybe you all need a white guy

  • Luxky

    my boyfriend is white and DOES do most of those things on that list. disagreeing with ladyt

  • Sexy Steve

    Most women are more attracted to the men who do these things than the men who don’t, regardless of race! Although these are great advice, Unfortunately most people (men & women) make decisions base of feelings! I treated my baby like the queen she is by not doing these things but that didn’t stop her….

  • BlackBeautifulUniverse

    This article was very very wonderful Demetria L.Lucas Thank you for sharing your talents and touching upon such an important topic.

    Now, about the “find a white guy because they as a collective group do not do any of the things listed above” comment posted. This suggestion of white men= savior and gentle man, is 100% FAULTY and a recipe for TOTAL disaster. I have met plenty of men of different cultures and colors who commit a plethora of the “no- no’s” listed above. I discovered this at social events and during work conversation with men of Asian, Bangladesh, Spanish, White Jewish, French, Italian and other descent. Yes this category of individual disrespectful men do include White American and European men. To challenge the stereotype of endearing white perfection, In my experiences the white individuals I met have sabotaged successful ideas I had to improve myself career wise. In other instances individual white males I’ve met have expressed their belief in women being solely sex objects and privately refer to women as “bitch” and “sluts”. Individuals within this group of white males even arrogantly describe how daily they imitate the stereotypical t.v. roles of “the honorable, genius, good intentioned white man” to get the things they want in life regularly.

    So PLEASE if you want to find out who an individual TRULY is, watch the INDIVIDUALS ACTIONS and WORDS. Do not invest in the positive or negative stereotypes the media promotes about their culture or country.

    I’m an African woman and individuals I met often try to label me as “inferior” and “unintelligent”. Mean while I’m very intelligent, worthy and beautiful. I know this response is lengthy. I wanted to respond because as an African woman who has worked hard to learn of who I am and then to learn to love my self, people often tell me I am too respectful and intelligent to ever date or marry Black man and I will only ever have successful relationships by dating white men. This ideology is a grave insult and TOTAL LIE.
    Any way Thanks for the WONDERFUL article on accountability Demetria L.Lucas

  • mark

    Of course not. All they refer to us as is “niggas.” They They don’t call us young educated black men. They call us niggas.

  • Raph

    It’s no surprise now why I have remained for so long with the same partner [wife actually]. I have never ever exhibited any of the ” 7 Deadly Sins” but now know how to turn all that around. An option to keep up my sleeve.

  • http://shereallytriedit.com Shell

    Preach!

  • penguin

    “I get it. Men are socialized to be stoic.”
    No, you most likely don’t. You say you do, but you don’t, because you can look at it, but you don’t have to live it.
    Anyways, men will always be told both things – to be both more manly and robust and to be more sensitive and emotionally open. The same guy gets to hear both things countless times during his life. It’s just the situation, in general – whether she feels threatened and needs a warrior or she’s all cozy and safe and needs a soulmate or a personal psychologist.

    And if it is socially acceptable for someone to
    - let the emotions flow about any issue
    - be vulnerable and expect protection
    - blame those who fail to provide the needed level of protection
    - be supported in that blaming by others
    - call sexual attraction misogyny
    - get extra praise if you perform something that others do daily and have done for years
    then
    in today’s world that person is automatically a winner in most situations. And that person has decided, now that the world seems generally safe, that some emotionally comforting people would be nice to have around.
    When something goes wrong, then yes – we need our warriors back.

    “I’m just not going to talk/answer the phone; I’m going to drink myself into a stupor”
    Well, yes, he probably will, because that’s more reliable than the 5 minutes in which he is allowed / asked to cry on someone’s shoulder. They’re a luxury, not a thing of routine.

  • Juci_Shockwave

    *plays the violin* Get in line. Women live with the conflicting double sided blade of how to act around the opposite sex too. Men don’t live with the notion or confusion that they have to be both virginal yet experience, innocent yet sexy {the whole Madonna the Virgin mother and Madonna the Whore}, so yea we women can understand and sympathize with the double blade bs society tells one on how to be. Society places BS on everyone that isn’t the reality or helpful for relationships. Both men and women have bias placed on them and have to deal with it daily which can restrict the unique true self from actually expressing, which can in turn benefit society. …but nooo we humans are forced to live by societal bs and if we don’t… we’re called all sorts of names or worse raped and killed. … but we’re all adults here and can control our own lives. We have are own thoughts. There is a time and place for every action and behavior, unfortunately, people will over exaggerate the traits that society tells them they ought to have and that will always have horrible endings. Again, know when, where, and how to react or behave in a given situation. If one can’t do that than such an adult ought to be viewed and treated as a child, too immature still on taking self responsibility and self control/policing.

    Personally I despise articles like these… they are too ridge and boxed. I don’t run to my man hoping for a warrior… in fact, I’m the warrior in the relationship, so people ought to stop this ridge, narrow-minded view of the genders and sexes. >_> It doesn’t get anyone anywhere. Not all men are warriors, nor are all women are princesses or queens… whatever… and such. Anyways there is a time and place for everything and unfortunately both men and women are raised and told by society such conflicting messages of the gender and sexes that they can’t utterly understand when, where or how to act because society has created an environment that surely end up having consuming over grown children without any sense of self responsibilities or true value. It’s quite pathetic. However, if the person is a true individual and uses his or her head, he or she can give society the finger and be his or her true self.

    Finally, a man who drinks himself to stupor doesn’t belong in my house. I’ve dealt with alcoholism from the adult men in the family while growing up and there is nothing cute or helpful when a man is drunk {it’s a miracle that I’m not hanging out with an alcoholic}. A drunk man is the most brutish, nastiest, and destructive creature on the planet. Alcoholic drinking till sh*t-faced is not a luxury, but a time bomb waiting to set off because the man hasn’t faced the root of his problems and resolved them head on. This isn’t about feminine or masculine traits but being an adult and taking responsibilities for yourself. A person who is psychologically damage makes for odd bed fellows and are a sure way towards a divorce. Unfortunately, these days I see so many people, especially young adults, who want it so easy and have life given on a golden plate. It sickens me.

  • http://www.twitter.com/NappyHugOut Napz

    Part of this post’s premise is why there are so many articles about women fixing themselves up to land a man/husband. It’s not sexist, it’s simple supply and demand. GENERALLY SPEAKING, men aren’t as obsessed with marriage or long term relationships as women are and in my experience, we aren’t walking around feeling “incomplete” without a wife. Marriage is probably lower on the priority list for men. To put this all simply men would not be checking for articles like that, so wiriting and posting them would probably not be a good use of time & space.

  • http://www.twitter.com/NappyHugOut Napz

    It’s also because marriage and committed relationships are not as much of a priority for men. Not saying we don’t want those things, but there are other things we want more or first.

  • http://www.twitter.com/NappyHugOut Napz

    Why so much expectation for men to be perfect. gotta give to get. EVERYONE only tells what they want you to know…just like the original post!

  • http://www.twitter.com/NappyHugOut Napz

    there’s no way any one person can be all of these things, focus on what he is and what he’s not.

  • Inquizative

    You would use a black man and a woman in the picture. Is that implying something? I am tired of this black male bashing. This shit has to stop. Anything to drag a black man down and prop up the black woman. Perfect alignment in keeping the black nuclear family separated and at the bottom of the social and financial ladder. I bet not a black woman took notice of the picture.

  • Inquizative

    Apparently you haven’t seen any “brutish drunk” women who have no inhibitions on putting her hands on a man because she fears no consequences. 80% of domestic violence in initiated by the woman. Your one sided man bashing “sickens me.”

    I worked in a very major and prominent hospital as a volunteer in the emergency room. The emergency room doctors would say we can always tell what sex the offender is by the type of violence ensued. They said for example. If a person comes in stabbed with deep puncture wounds 9 times out 10 its a woman offender. If it’s a slashing which is usually minor type knife injury it’s a male offender.

  • Stevenson

    You really had me interested in this article because you said it takes two then you went into the black man bashing so you lost me. A lot of our views are base on personal life experiences! I understand society may & will influence many if not most of us but in the end it is about choices! When it comes to discussion about male & female we will always point the finger at each other. If woman are looking for husband (long term) then they should behave as such! If they find a good man who respects them & don’t step out on them then they should do the same! In the end the same crap men do, women are doing it too! Most women only talk about good men but in the reality most of the want the dude that will disrespect them & cheat on them, sorry! I’ve had 3 relationship with 3 sisters & 2 of them cheated me, so it is hard to change my opinion about chicks especially sisters.

    The biggest crack I continue to hear is about double standard. YES prejudice is real & many areas there double standard especially within the business world. Most of the double standard are chicks against chicks. I mean sleeping with another woman’s man, it’s … especially when the woman knows the man has a woman. I guess men are to blame! As you pointed out most of us are born out of wedlock & I’m a product of a man who has 9 kids with different women. I was determined not to be like my father but in the end even after I got married & had 2 kids with my wife she committed adultery I guess we can blame that on men.

    In the end it comes down to choices! Just because one person (male/female) chooses to respect & honor their vowels/commitment it doesn’t mean the other person will. If men & women would choose to make better choices & not be willing to chase looks/money/popularity then maybe we would have less babies out of wedlock???

  • http://gravatar.com/surfsucks rat mafia

    how is the word female an insult?

  • Throwing In The Towel For Good

    I am reading this and crying. I foolishly came to visit my ex-husband over Christmas and have come to the realization that he was an ex for a reason, and should have remained an ex. Although I had such high hopes when I first got on that plane weeks ago, now, I feel like the biggest fool on the planet. I feel ashamed for havng come here. It was a terrible mistake. Since I have been here, I have on several occasions begged this man to open up to me, but he refuses. My ex has been married twice. I was his first wife that he treated like crap, and his second wife divorced him AND took away their children. He is paying child support for children that want absolutely nothing to do with him. I would be lying if I said that a part of me wasn’t happy for his pain. He has hurt me (and I am sure his ex wife and mother of his children) and the pain of not having a relationship with his childen is what he deserves. You can’t just wake up one day and tell the woman that you’re married to and who has built a life with you that you want out! This is what my ex did with me, but THANK GOD, I never had children. He even callously said that his ex should have just given him his children and left. Clearly, to him people are dispendible and easily discarded when he no longer wants them around OR has any need for them. Don’t get me wrong: This man can be generous at times, but incredibly selfish at times, too. When I was married to him (which was almost 30 years ago), I faithfully took my birth control pills because although we married in our early 20′s, I knew that if I got pregnant, he would leave me. I was very young but had enough sense not to create a tie with him through a child. I have seen too many examples in my own family to know that children do not keep a relationship together. I have seen many women in my family struggle to rear their children alone while the men flit off to the beds of new lovers. If his second wife had talked to me first, I would have saved her the heartache of foolishly believing that children would ground this man. Since I have been here, my ex REFUSES to open up to me, but I know that he is this way with everyone that wants a relationship with him. I am embarassed to admit that I even thought of rekindling things and moving to where my ex lives, but I know what would be a HUGE mistake. I NOW realize that while he is the same cagey, unemotional stone that he was when we were married, I have changed for the better. I am a great communicator because I WANT to be. I used to pout when I was a young married woman, but now I am about finding healthy solutions, and openly, honestly, and without judgement TALKING THINGS OUT. This man is also addicted to weed. Since I have been here, he has NO MOTIVATION TO DO NOTHING. I have never smoked cigarettes OR smoked weed a day in my life, and I can’t deal with this. In my head, I know that I need to move on, but I keep coming back to this loser, because I am in my 50′s and it’s been years since I have dated a good man. Truth be told, I have only dated ONE good man, but I was in my 20′s and too stupid at the time to realize what I had in front of me. I should have married that man, but because he wasn’t “flashy” I foolishly let a man that loved, respected, honored, and adored me slip away. That, was by far, the biggest mistake of my life. know that I have to get therapy because I am addicted to what could be with my drug-addicted ex husband, but truthfully never was. Signed, Throwing In The Towel For Good

  • https://www.facebook.com/michael.hummer.14 Michael Hummer

    While I generally like & agree with your article I take umbrage with the leader rule and the submissive rule.

    As far as the leader rule goes followers get the leaders they deserve. Short-sighted, myopic, ignorant, gullible, brain-washed followers support the leaders we have in America.

    As far as the submissive rule goes. You’re coming from a left-brained perspective on both the male and female role. The right-brain IS what most people confuse to be God when they experience it. This is because most people (80% sensates, search MBTI or Kiersey) think predominantly with their left-brain. Therefore a right-brain person thinks like God does from a left-brained perspective. While this may warrant submission from a left-brained woman (according to this article’s submissive rule) I’ll stick with a right-brained woman that I can respect. A left-brained man who respects his right-brain is a complete man indeed; good luck finding one.

  • http://www.jameswlewis.com James W. Lewis

    I wouldn’t say I’m obsessed, but let’s keep it real: Looks is more than likely the #1 reason that attracted you to your mate in the first place. If we get married, then you let yourself go–gain a ton of weight, come to bed looking homeless all the time, don’t make an effort anymore to look halfway decent–sorry, I can’t deal with it for too long. I’m around nice looking women often who are stepping their game up (I’m a trainer), so the wifey should step her game up, too. The husband should, too, of course. Goes both ways!

  • shea

    I agree with everything except being submissive. There is nothing wrong with being a submissive wife to a man who loves and respects her.

  • Nikki

    Submit to a man to submits to God. Good works don’t count for anything. A man who follows God can be trusted to guide his family with wisdom and love with God guiding everything. If he can’t submit why would you? It’s a set up for failure.

  • pat

    This country is infested with damaged men that are absolutely not emotionally available
    They don’t even care if there is something wrong with their woman. They are bad providers. They sit right there chilling with their homies while their woman is working 2 jobs and pays 90% of the bills. They define their manhood by how many woman they screw
    They actually thing it is their God giving right to stay gone a dew nights in a row because there was a disagreement
    A 50 year old man is not emotionally available and his communication skills are shot. A man that does not communicate and face issues and that constantly runs to his people and only blames the woman for everything, is developmentally ill and has not matured beyond age 15.

  • pat

    And let me add that the fact that they have kids is not an excuse to be emotional unavailable to his wife. I’m also sick and tired of the families that support these sorry men

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