Title-less But in a Relationship? A Black Woman Held Hostage
“We’re together, but we decided not to put a title on our relationship.” The words, barely audible, came from my best friend’s mouth as if she’d just sold her common sense in exchange for love and a warm body between her bed sheets. What’s a best friend like me to do when I face the same vulnerabilities of going through the motions of investing love, quality time, energy, and emotions, all without the very basic relationship fundamental: a relationship title. So I did what any best friend would do; I listened and remained nonjudgmental. I listened as she told me she met his child and his child’s mother and how she was emotionally growing closer to her man. I listened as she told me she was always introduced to his friends and family only by her first name. I listened as she tried to make logic out of being in an exclusive relationship without having the title of being in a relationship.
While I listened, I also heard her pain, her silent cry of wanting more. One would think it would be easy to define a relationship — simply communicate with your partner your needs and requirements. Sounds easy, until you’re in the situation, that is — a situation where you’re getting the quality time, bonding, attention, and consistency you want from a man. The saying goes “the heart wants what the heart wants.” In this case, it wants love, care, attention, affection, and companionship, but neglecting to put a title on a relationship does the heart a great injustice.
If love is a battlefield, then being in a relationship without a title is like being on the battlefield without armor. Defining a relationship is the very least one can do to avoid heartache. You can’t control how the relationship goes or grows, but putting a title on it solidifies you’re in a dual situation, where both individuals are held accountable to uphold the relationship. Title-less is no way to maintain a healthy relationship. It all boils down to whether or not you are claimed. There are those (male and female) who opt out of using titles because of underlying commitment issues, and then there are those who find not using a title takes pressure off the relationship, which, in other words, is sex with no strings attached. If you’ve lived long enough, you know sex without personal investment can be emotional suicide.
All too often black women in search of love find themselves in an undefined relationship. Could it be the nagging relationship statistics creating the theory that there are not enough black men to go around? Could it be being single for so long creates a bottomless void of loneliness? Could it be unresolved insecurities keeping my best friend held hostage by an undefined relationship? Regardless of the reasons, my best friend, like any woman in a relationship, deserves a title. Don’t be held hostage. Define your relationship, Clutchettes.
Have you ever opted out of having a relationship title? How did it turn out for you?
Krystal Glass is the creator and producer of “The Black Love Bond,” a series of events created to strengthen the bond in black relationships through open forum conversations and interactive workshops for singles and couples.
Did that, would not do it again. I would not recommend it for any woman wanting a long term, stable commitment and relationship.
You cannot sneak your way into a relationship by being a doormat. A man won’t commit to you just b/c you let him set up the terms and rules, which involve you keeping yourself available and single while he comes and goes as he pleases. If you are really in a relationship, you’ll feel safe, loved, cherished, and secure. The scenario above offers none of that.
Plus, you’re blocking yourself off from the man who will be you boyfriend and husband. Guys like that make you a priority, not an option.
All the man is doing is setting up a situation where he doesn’t have to do anything to get sex, food, money, or shelter from you, but if you find out he is talking to/sleeping with someone else, he’ll tell you to shut up b/c you aren’t his girlfriend or partner.
Don’t be so desperate to have someone in your bed that you tolerate someone who gives you 10%.
It is so sad how many women think that by letting themselves be used, the man will someday fall in love and commit. They won’t. They’ll knock you up and move on. They’ll take your money and use it on some other woman. And you’ll be told that you had no right to expect anything b/c you weren’t in a relationship.
Black women need to stop risking their physical and emotional health with this garbage. It is a dead-end street. Know your worth and don’t forget it.
Preach!
It’s absolutely crucial that you be able to define a relationship when dating. If he/she cannot say you are their girlfriend/boyfriend, that’s a problem.
But when you’ve been together for a long time, it seems to me, pressure to give the relationship an official title can actually lead to a break up. Pressure to become engaged or married can destroy a relationship, as if to say what you have already is not enough. To me, a big part of marriage is just about validating the relationship for the rest of society.
I don’t need anyone’s stamp of approval to be with someone for an extended period of time if the two of us know what our relationship is.
It is obvious reading this sites articles and comments that a lot of Black women are lost and some/alot even stupid. I dont understand in a country where Black women are outnumbered by non Black men in the millions that soooooo many Black women are willing to accept scraps…its sad and pathetic. How do you cling to a group of men calling you all b***s and h***s and the rest is singing along….and otherwise place little value on you all. As someone wise says*mate out or die out* Black women.
It is sad but true. I try not to be harsh, but black women need to wakeup. Most good marriage-minded men who date women and are crazy about them want to make the relationship exclusive. A man who doesn’t should be a common sense sign that something is WRONG! I think a lot of black women are lost when it comes to dating. They have no idea about the types of men to go after that might be marriage-minded or husband material. They have no idea about what should be tolerated. This man is telling her that this relationship isn’t serious. It seems pretty common sense, but black American women have been taught to drop common sense by the black underclass. The black underclass is so anti-common sense. Rap culture and the black underclass have told black women to chase after the wrong types of men. They glorify the emotionally unavailable man making it seem as if a good woman is all he needs to commit and act right. You sleep with him, and everything is great. You bond, and suddenly you’re in love with a man who calls you his main chick to his buddies. You think you can change him. Thug love books are popular nowadays, but they’re fiction. Some women feel like drama and pain are a part of love.
I feel like some black girls need a dating guide about how men view things differently, dating, sex, contraceptives, and other common sense tips that they’ve been encouraged to drop.
Black women’s cluelessness about men and associating with the wrong types of men is the reason behind most of the problems plaguing AA women (STDs, children with uninvolved fathers, domestic violence, singleness). Many black women need to do better when choosing men. Too many are playing wifey for an emotionally unavailable man.
Let me guess…. this is the “mis-informed” white people section of the commentary. LOL do society a favor and get a black friend. @nic @my_reply @cc just cut it out… your post read as if you’re from the sidelines making empty assumptions. This post was about a black woman in a relationship struggling to draw the line between her heart and her common sense. And here you go spewing off STD statistics, misogyny lyrics, etc. Why when it comes to black women you seek to dig from the scum of the earth to draw comparisons? Although you were factual in your statistics do you ever hear of the comparisons made to white woman as the highest abortions And highest welfare recipients? Oh ok. Since we’re doing fact finding instead of what this article was clearly about…any woman could find herself in this situation.
@Vikki – What the heck are you talking about? I am a black woman. I guess you think I’m a self-hater now. Black women dealing with STDs, uninvolved fathers, and singleness are not the scum of the earth whatever you meant by that. Bad men are not just thugs, and the black women making bad decisions are not just hoodrats. There are plenty of black girls in college recklessly “dating” men that put their health at risk. There are professional black women dating professional men who don’t want exclusive relationships. There are black women working 9 to 5s while they have a man child at home running up the bills. There are black women with children getting no support from the children’s father. These situations are not uncommon. It is because they are willing to drop common sense because they think any man is better than no man. Let’s not pretend it’s just the thugs and hoodrats messing up.
The author is writing about a black woman making what I think is a bad decision. I think many black women are making bad decisions when it comes to dating. That is how my comments tie into the article. Yes non-black women are having dating problems, but this is a website about black women. Also with all of the problems surrounding AA women that stem from romantic relationships, in my opinion, they have it worse.
I’m saying too many black women have low expectations for men. They need to choose better. I don’t know how that makes me sound like a misinformed white person.
I agree my_reply. It is sad but it isn’t always their fault. These women tend to grow up without fathers and no male mentors whatsoever so how would they know what a good relationship looks like. We need to end the cycle of single parenting!!!!!!!!!
@vikki,
Sorry, try again, but I’m black too, and these are the things I’ve seen in my circle and that my friends have seen in their circles too. And I’m talking about highly educated, Ivy League and/or advance degree holding black women. Booksmarts and money do not protect women from thes problems.
Women who find out that their perfect on paper black FWBs are sleeping with hookers or just lots of other women. Men who are married but act like they are available. And the men who aren’t your boyfriend but avail themselves of all of the privileges and none of the responsibilities. And women who are aware of ALL of these things but still won’t tell these men bye.
I wish I WAS only seeing this from the sidelines. I wish it was just an inaccurate stereotype. I wish I had NOT seen girls at the most elite schools in the country (that I attended) get knocked up by guys who weren’t claiming them. I saw girls drop out b/c of this. And the non-boyfriends got to skip happily off to medical school, law school, to work in investment banks, and forget all about them.
And it wouldn’t matter any less if it was poor and uneducated girls.
As myreply said, this is about black women and we are black women who are are upset seeing other black women settle for NOTHING.
But some people would rather deny and pretend that we do not have real problems between men and women in our communities, and that a ridiculous number of black children grow up with fathers, and women have babies by men who were never DATING them and jumping through all kinds of hoops, as the black men on this thread are, to justify why this is okay.
It is NEVER okay and we need to do better. But if you are okay being described as “cool people” and laying down with men who sleep with lots of women b/c sometimes husband and boyfriends cheat, then go right ahead.
Sorry if your reality normalizes this behavior but it is not normal and it should not be accepted.
Well, it also shows that a lot of men aren’t raised to be real men and think you can use women any way you see fit and they shouldn’t complain. I remember this garbage from college. Women who would sleep with guys and let themselves be convinced that it was normal to not get “claimed” or acknowledged in public b/c other people would “get in their business” or be “jealous.” And those guys were inevitably running that line on a lot of stupid girls and probably giving out nothing but pregnancies and STDs.
A lot of men will defend the misogyny and black women are encouraged to accept it and not to air our “dirty laundry.”
It’s kind of sad and pathetic how many men and women will defend this whole non-relationship when it is really nonsense.
Again, it’s just a way to keep your options open b/c if you really care about someone and want to commit, they don’t have to wonder what it is. Sure, you don’t a marriage for that, but no one can really come up with a coherent argument why someone would not admit to being in a relationship with you.
A lot of us clearly don’t know what a real commitment is and I think grow up in homes when men come and go as they please and with women who are too scared to say anything about it b/c they think these scraps are better than being alone.
I know this article seemed to pinpoint men and not defining the relationship by a title but what about women who choose to NOT label the relationship that they are in? It’s not just men that choose not to label, women do as well.